A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi i just have a very simple question, i have been with my bf for 4 years now but i have recentley cheated on him for the first time ever and i am very confused about my feelings but i just wanted to know: when you cheat, does it really mean that you do not love your partner anymore? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): I am a very "black and white" person. No half measures. No gray areas. I live my life like this and I will NOT change it for anyone or anything.Respect plays a big role: if u cannot even respect yourself u won't even respect another.I believe that if u cheat it is not only that u don't love your significant other But u don't love yourself as well. For me cheaters are really beyond contempt because they hurt innocent people. They destroy lives. They are selfish and hypocritical. I cannot believe the gall of some cheaters who hurt the very people they were supposed to love, still claimimg they love them. Cheating is a choice . It is a deliberate act. It is a fallacy that cheaters cannot help themselves. I note that when the wheel turn for cheaters they pay the ultimate price: it may be years and years later but when Karma catches up with them, it is sweet sweet pay back.Still loving someone while destroying their life: hell no. For cheaters its all about them, their satisfaction, their wants, their greed and to hell with the impact it has on others lives: especially their kids. Cheating is very simply :a choice.LoveGirl
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male
reader, gangster20  +, writes (28 January 2012):
I used to think like many of the people here, that love was supposed to be perfect and that cheating meant the complet absence of love for your partner. I cheated and ended up hurting 2 incredible women. I love them both, and the reason I did it was that I felt guilty for leaving one of them, because we had been together for a long time and I felt owed her. The other one I love and want her to be my wife, I loved her from the beginning. I was stupid for cheating and I regret everyday. I bretrayed her trust, but I do love her and want to be with her. I was a coward and that's why all this happened. I say you cheat for many reasons, and it does not necesarily mean you don't love your partner. People make stupid choices in life, and it can happen to anyone. People say that if you love someone you don't hurt them, but the truth is you always hurt people you love at one time in your life, for one reason or other, because you are not perefect and because you can't know what the other person is feeling or thinking at all times. I make no excuses, I was stupid and feel embarrased. I'm trying to work things out because I love her and want to be with her, and I wanted that from the biginning but I didn't know how to handle things in a right way.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): I cheated on my wife of 15 years and friend of 20. She's done with me, but I still love her. I'm still with the other woman and much better off for it, but still love my wife. I don't miss her so much, because the marriage was broken irreparably before the affair even happened, but you cant just erase so many years of your life. You become intertwined with people you love, and it isn't as easy as changing a pair of shoes.
So no...absolutely not...when you cheat, it can mean you do love your partner. You just don't love or respect your relationship. In some cases, it is possible cheaters dont respect the person they cheat on either. What people often forget, is that two people in a relationship, no matter how good it may be, are individuals. In a relationhship, you have love for both the individual and the realtionship you share...but the two are independent, and so is the love to an extent, because the love originates from different places. Thus, you can love a person as an individual and build a loving relationship with them, and you can love a relationship where the love for the person has changed or died. Or, you can love the person where the relationship has changed or died.
None of this justifies cheating. I'm just pointing out that love for a person is somewhat separate from love for a relationship. True, one can feed the other, but cheating usually only attacks one in the mind of the cheater. hisnk about why most people cheat...they either are in an unhappy relationship, or they have an issue with the person (alcoholism, abuse, etc). Typically, its not both. If it were, they probably wouldnt have gotten together in the first place.,
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female
reader, KittenPaws  +, writes (14 December 2010):
CindyCares, you makes a really good point, and I think you're absolutely right.
It's so easy just to assume that you love someone simply because things are running smoothly and there are no obstacles or challenges. Its with the test of time, of challenges and of resisting temptations that you prove whether you ever really loved someone.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 December 2010):
 Maybe it just means you did not really love him to begin with.
It's easy to "love " somebody when there are no challenges, no obstacles,...no temptations. Much less when your loyalty is tested and you have to choose between what feels good to you individually and what is good for the couple.If you did not pass the test, your love can't have been as strong as you thought.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): I don't think love is all or nothign : either you love someone or you don't love them at all
I think you can love someone in different ways and in different amounts
If you cheat on your significant other you could still love them just not the way you "should". meaning. Your significant other should be your best friend, your soul mate, your lover/intimate partner...it's possible your relationship with them has changed into something more like OK-friends but not BEST friends, or just friends but no longer lovers. Thus I think it's possible for you to still feel some feelings of love for them if you cheat BUT obviously you do not love them completely and fully in the way you should if you are their spouse or significant other. It could be you love them as a friend, but nothing more. This means you have the wrong label on your relationship. Your relationship should be labeled as that of friends, not of spouse or intimate partner.But since a "spouse" label has been put on it (because you went through a ceremony and signed papers) that means you are held to the standards and expectations that are not applicable to the reality of your situation thus having romantic/sexual encounters with someone else is a betrayal.
similarly it's possible to still love your S.O as an intimate partner yet cheat on them, because you no longer love them as a BEST friend. Again this means you have the wrong label on your relationship. You relationship should not be labeled as spouses or S.O. but of FWB
I think it's better to be honest and re-label the relationship to reflect what's really going on, even if it means getting divorced, than to cheat.
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female
reader, KittenPaws +, writes (14 December 2010):
I think that I have a stricter view of this than most of the other posters.
If you love someone, you don't cheat.
If you love someone, you don't have to ask.
Think of the situation in reverse. Your partner cheats on you, and then posts on a public forum to ask if he doesn't love you. He waits on the replies.
If he then said the words 'but I love you' to you, would you believe him?
Think of how hurt you'd be to find out that he cheated on you. That is how deeply you've risked hurting him by what you've done. -That is NOT love.
I think it's time that you did some soul searching. Because if this is the way you treat your lover of 4 years, how on Earth do you treat the rest of the people in your life??
Please give this a great deal of thought.
And whatever you decide, if you haven't told him already- your boyfriend deserves the truth.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): "a very simple question"
That is understating this by quite a bit.
You simple answer is that "No, it doesn't mean that you don't love your partner any more." It can mean a lot of things.
It can mean that you never did love your partner, even if you thought you did.
It can mean that you don't really know what love is.
It can mean that you are _____________ (put any good or bad description you want in the blank).
But, what it does mean is this: You violated a very important relationship, and you need to understand why you did it. If you don't work on this, your future relationships will be strained and troubled by this and the underlying issues. People don't cheat without reasons, they do it for all sorts of reasons.
Read "After the Affair", or "Surviving the Affair", or "Not Just Friends".
Understand yourself, then you can understand your partner, and you can have a good relationship.
Oh, and BTW, tell your boyfriend, he deserves to know and to make his own decisions, because if you don't then you are still cheating on him in the relationship even if you don't have sex with someone else.
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female
reader, Tine +, writes (13 December 2010):
 i don't think it means that you don't love your partner it just means that temptation of someone new is too hard to resist sometimes.
other than this time have you ever questioned your love for them??? if so then maybe there are a few things you aren't happy with in the relationship and maybe these things need addressed..
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male
reader, tby1 +, writes (13 December 2010):
 no to me its not a sign that you dont love him, look at my question earlier today, i never physically cheated on her just thru texts and emails, but ive never once stopped loving her, infact i have realised that i love her more than i thought since. i suppose different people see things in different ways.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 I don't think it means you don't love your partner, but it definitely means you love yourself way more and put yourself first and above your partner, and do not consider their feelings. I don't think most would call that love, but love comes in many shapes and variations. You could have true feelings for him, but that doesn't help if you treat him badly. Loving someone is no excuse for treating them badly, but I know how often the words "but I love you" are being told after abuse even. You judge it yourself if thats true or not.
But, think of the love you have for family. Sometimes you screw up with family as well, but that never meant you didn't truly love them. Love and loyalty are different things. Some like to think that love naturally contains loyalty, some don't. It's up to you to decide.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): A guy friend told me once that a man who cheats on a woman doesn't really love her. And generally it works the other way around too. Love is love. When you love someone, which means you are satisfied, and just completely happy with a person, no you wouldn't cheat. You wouldn't dream of doing anything to hurt that person or lose that person.
Obviously you are not totally happy otherwise you wouldn't have cheated. The reason you are not happy could be due to something he is lacking, it could be something you are lacking, or it could be a combination of things. I'll give you examples. Perhaps he is not that attentive to you and you got frustrated and bored. Or perhaps he is great and you are still growing and have some maturing to do so couldn't realise how good you have it (that just comes down to bad timing.) Or perhaps it is both your "faults." Maybe you have just come to realise you are not as compatible as you once thought. That happens all the time.
So whatever the reason, obviously something is missing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): No, it can mean a lot of things - that you are upset or angry at your partner, that you feel they are not giving you something you have shown them time and again that you need, or, most often, that you feel in some way rejected by your partner. To cheat, you must almost always feel that your partner has pushed you away - that you aren't with them in the way you want to be, or have been. You feel some separation from your partner.
But of course it is totally possible to cheat and still love them.
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female
reader, Adorskable +, writes (13 December 2010):
 I don't think it means that you stop loving him, but I do think that you were missing something in your relationship and chose to cheat instead of communicating with your partner. To many cheating is a deal breaker in a relationship and the person being cheated may choose to leave. I think its very important to think about your feelings and emotions before you cheat, because you might realize how much you actually love that person, but that person will want nothing with you because you cheated.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (13 December 2010):
I personally believe that if you cheat, there is a lack of respect. You need to respect the person in your life as well as love them.
I suspect that this is more of a sign that you should be out there having fun, rather than in a committed relationship. My advice would be to break up with your boyfriend and have your fun. One day you'll love and respect a man enough to commit fully.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (13 December 2010):
 Not entirely, but it's a huge sign you don't respect him or the relationship, so the relationship should be over. I will always love my ex gf's for various reasons, but I don't want to be in a relationship with any of them.
Break it off with your BF. It will save you both a lot of prolonged problems.
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reader, The Realist  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 I don't think so at all. I think you cheat because there is something that you want to gain that you just don't feel like you have with your partner. You can love the person very much but feel like something sexual is missing so you cheat.
If you still want to be with him you need to take a look at your relationship and see if you can pin point it to work on it. Does he know about this or are you just going to have to work through this on your own?
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