A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:why is sexting (sending racy/sexually suggestive texts and FB messages) wrong? I can't see a problem with it and have been sexting an ex-colleague who i have no intention of seeing in reality. My gf of 6 months (who i love and am serious about) found out last night and was upset and angry, i can't understand why 'cos sexting is just a bit of harmless flirty fun. I have never and would never cheat. If she was sexting, i'd be ok with it as long as nothing happened in reality. Is my gf overeacting?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): I am in this boat. I caught my boyfriend sexting many other women, just recently. It turns out, he was always doing it and has always done it, since the time we moved in together. This "harmless act" escalated with one woman, in particular; they actually met 3 times and went to lunch (supposedly a kiss in the parking lot is all that happened), while I was in my last month of pregnancy up until week 7 of our new baby's life; when I opened his phone and saw many sexually explicit photos of his sexting partner and himself. I was so ridiculously hurt that he was turning to another woman/women instead of me for his gratification. I feel abandoned, emotionally and my self esteem and confixence are shattered; at a time when I needed my boyfriend most in our relationship. If I did not have a new baby with him, I would have left him for sure, indefinitely. I realize now, that he has different "bounderies" regarding sexual contact; whether it be electronic or not; and I have told him that in the future should this continue; even once. We will be taking the high road and he can deal with the consequenses of losing his family to his choices of needing selfish, sexual gratification. I am horribly hurt. I am over the top, angry. And I do not trust him anymore. He has lost that right and privilage. As far as electronics go...I have all his passwords and access to all of his accounts, phone lists, email, twitter, facebook...etc; until I feel comfortable that he is trustworthy.Do yourself a favor, just stop it now...and if you can't or won't; stop wasting your girlfriend's good heart and let go so she can find happiness with someone who respects her and has clear boundaries in a committed relationship.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): You are being disrespectful and your girlfriend is not overreacting. Why"I have never and would never cheat."You say. How does she know this?"If she was sexting, I'd be ok with it as long as nothing happened in reality."And if she was sexting and she said she wasn't really hooking up with these guys would you believe her or would there be some doubt in your mind?*YOU* may know it's just harmless and *YOU* may know you'd never act on it, but *SHE* can't be expected to know that - nor believe you if you tell her so.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (26 January 2012):
 Its as good as cheating on someone by having sex with another woman, and then saying, "It didnt mean anything! I was thinking of you the whole time". Do you see the logic (or the lack of it!) behind this?
What you say is "harmless" is certainly not harmless.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (25 January 2012):
 Flirting is perfectly fine and natural. Your problem is that you don't have a sense of boundaries. When you use the internet or phone, you feel bolder. Things get more graphic and inappropriate than it would in person. Let me ask you this: would you say the things that you say via phone to the woman's face?
There is a HUGE difference between flirting with coworkers in person than what you're doing. You don't pass someone's desk and say, " Your ass looks so great in that pencil skirt, I just want to bend you over this desk and ram you from behind." That's grounds for termination, not to mention completely inappropriate and out of line if you're in a relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): Does the girl you send dirty texts to know about your gf? You are both disrespecting her and making a joke out of her. i think it`s best she dumps you so you can send dirty texts as much as you want.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 January 2012):
 This is how I define cheating: ANYTHING you can’t won’t or DON’T tell your partner. That being said if you are being open and totally honest about what you are doing and she’s not happy then you need to stop.
Personally I had an open marriage (that has ended due to his lies) and THE ONE thing that I was livid about was his SEXTING and TEXTING with other women. EMOTIONAL attachments bother me way more than physical ones.
I don’t see it as harmless flrity fun if it’s hurting your GF… racy and sexually suggestive texts and FB messages are easily misconstrued and hidden… The fact that you are not respecting your GF’s wants and needs is the issue here.
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A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (25 January 2012):
 How would you feel if you checcked your girlfriends messages and you saw "I want to feel your ______ inside my _____" or you saw a picture of her private areas, sent to some guy.
You'd be pretty effin pissed, right? Do you want other guys looking at her stuff, without you knowing, even if it's not physical, it's just a phone?
You need to realize that it's not ok for you to sext girls. If you are in a relationship, you should be sexing her up, not turning to another girl and talking about intimate details.
It IS cheating, and it is NOT "harmless flirting" Even just flirting is bad. It shows you do not care about the girl you are with.
You're sending a message, loud and clear, that you'd rather talk about your genitals with another woman.
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A
female
reader, bardia +, writes (25 January 2012):
 You want the attention of other women. You're saying that the flesh and blood woman you have with you isn't enough. You . Are. Cheating. You have no respect for your girlfriend. If you want to experience the attention of other women, be a man and break up with your girlfriend. She deserves to be with someone who will love and cherish her above all others, as the tender heart that she is. Your actions show that you obviously do not care about her and that you are not ready to be in a respectful, loving, committed relationship. No one should have to compete with another for their significant other's affection, real or virtual. What a slap in the face to your girlfriend. This makes me want to vomit.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (25 January 2012):
 i dont think its cheating BUT it is very insulting and disrespectful to your girlfriend and shows you to be either selfish/naive/stupid when it comes to others feelings.
back down and apologise or risk losing your girlfriend
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (25 January 2012):
You're kidding, right?
What according to you is acceptable about it?
If it means nothing to you then why would you do it? You're talking to another woman about SEX, that is out of line. You are cheating on your girlfriend, whether you agree or not, and you cannot get out of this on a technicality that it is not physical, because cheating does NOT necessarily involve only the physical aspect. Sending sexually explicit messages to a woman other than your girlfriend is cheating and your G/f has every right to be mad at you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 January 2012):
 You can't be serious...
Would you be sexting with your GF right next to you?
How can it be harmless if you GF's feelings got hurt?
And no she isn't over reacting and if you continue she will DUMP you, and THAT would be all on you.
There is nothing harmless about it. You spend time "pretending" to be sexing" up another woman, to in some ways bond over dirty talk with someone else. Not everyone who sexts cheats, but people with no sense of values, morals and right & wrong often do.
You are not committed 100% to your relationship if you have a "need" to sext another woman. Fun or not. THAT is how most women will view this.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (25 January 2012):
Why not fix your sexual thoughts to your girlfriend? I think in most cases of flirting, there is an attraction there otherwise you would not waste your time. If you carry it on, you will lose your girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 January 2012):
 Come on. You're not that naive are you? Why is sexting wrong when it's jus harmless fun? Because it IS NOT just harmless fun. Look at your girlfriend, did she find it funny? No she didn't. It wasn't harmless either, because she got pretty upset.
Why you may ask? Because maybe you're unaware of it, but sexting other people qualifies as cheating to tons of the rest of us. Be it real life or not, online cybering or real life groping or giving love bites, you can always say "it wouldn't lead to sex". But things don't have to end up in intercourse for them to be crossing the line.
Where exactly do you draw the line? You need to have this conversation with your girlfiend. Some people agree to cybering, or kissing other people. Some agree to threesomes, and so on. The line is drawn at different places for different people. But these things are commonly understood as crossing the line, and if you haven't picked up on it then you don't have an excuse from now on: sexting, cybering, exessive flirting, sending and taking nude pictures, chatting with live women online who sell sex services, lap dances from strippers, groping other women and being felt up by other women, sleeping in the same bed (or some times even the same room) as another woman.
The list can go on from this as well. And you need to talk to your girlfriend about where the line is draw, and you need to respect her wishes and meet her at a compromise. Understand that sexting other women is by many defined as cheating, it is hurtful, it is disrespectul, and it might be harmless fun to you, but it isn't harmless fun to your girlfriend. She gets hurt by it. Knowing that it hurts her, you decide whether she is important enough for you to stop it.
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A
male
reader, soul83  +, writes (25 January 2012):
It is a gross error of judgement on your part. I personally think it crosses the line and sends out the message that you want to look around instead of being committed to your partner. Do you forget what the word 'committed' means??
If you wanted to have a bit of fun on the side, you should have established the relationship as casual first and defined the boundaries with her. Clearly you didn't and now you have crossed the line in her eyes.
You would be best to sincerely apologise and give this time to let the dust settle. The relationship is quite new and depending on her beliefs, age etc, she may decide to seek revenge on you. Don't be surprised. This just depends on her character and we are in no position to judge her.
Let this be a lesson to you.
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A
male
reader, Dr.LanceMerryweather +, writes (25 January 2012):
 Why bother doing it at all if you are in a happy relationship?
From my point of view, it's wrong. And so immature. If you can't see why your gf is so upset, you need to grow up and quit your childish games before you lose her.
Sorry if all that sounds harsh, but it's just my point of view.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 January 2012):
 She is not overreacting, because you are already cheating.
Harmless flirting would be " you look good today " or " nice perfume you've got "- and this too, in moderation, because a regular habit of showering other women with MORE attention than you give your partner is bordering with disrespect.
But anything pertaining creating sexual intimacy - even if no physical contact follows - and exchanging words and pics leading to erotic arousal should stay within the couple, and involving other people is blatantly crossing boundaries.
Unless, expressely accepted and agreed upon by BOTH partners. Which is clearly not your case.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (25 January 2012):
 Cheating can mean many different things to many different people.Here's my example. Person A and Person B get into a monogamous relationship. Both expects monogamy from their partner although Person A has a different view of monogamy from Person B.Person A and Person B both need to respect the boundaries of what monogamy means to their partners.Since your girlfriend things sexting is cheating, in her eyes, you cheated on her.You don't see it as cheating, but that does not invalidate her feelings in this situation.If you want to maintain a good relationship with your girlfriend, you need to STOP SEXTING, because her boundary is different than yours, and you need to respect that.If you feel that you absolutely cannot live without sexting other people, then you need to break up with your girlfriend so you can sext. But you cannot have both, in this case.She is not overreacting. In her eyes, you cheated. Her anger is justified in her view. So you need to choose what's more important to you...sexting, or your girlfriend.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): No, she's not over-reacting. It's emotionally cheating on your girlfriend and I hope she kicks your sorry arse to the curb.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): No your girlfriend is not overeacting, sexting is cheating! In reality your saying sexcual things to another woman, that is still cheating. If I caught my Man doing that he would be gone in a second. A committed realtionship is just that, you commit to the other person and you don't engage in any type of sexual behaviour with anyone else, that includes sexting! My suggestion is that you do everything in your power to make this up to your girlfriend, your actions hurt her, and your attempts at justifying it are hurting her more. Good Luck
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