A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Last night me and my bf were having sex he was behind me when he stuck his finger in my anus. He has done it b4 which i dont mind as it doesnt hurt me. B4 i continue weve always had this joke bout doing it up the bum. I always said i would never do it and he says u will u will love it never say never. I know hes done it b4 quite a few times and i think he has a thing 4 it but over time its our little joke. So there he was finger in my anus then he started rubbing his penis there . I said what u doing i dont think so! Your loue it he said. He had my arms behind my back and him on top of me and i could move. He put it in and i screamed with pain. I was panicing saying stop stop! It hurt so much i was trying to get free and get him off but i couldnt it hurt so much i continue screaming. I finally managed to get him to stop after a few mins which seemed forever! I couldnt look at him i put my head in my hand and started crying! He started cuddling me saying im sorry i thought u were joking. And putting it on it hurt i said do i look im joking with tears running down my face. He said i would never hurt you i love u. Anyway he just cuddled me and i just lay there numb to him. This morning he just acted like nothing happened. And i dont know what to say to him. Hes texting me today saying how much he loves me! I just dont know what to do. Cos i do love him. and with what happened last nite what was that? Have i been raped i dont know! Help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): Hi
Yeah, it was rape and guess what.. if you don't take any action against this man then get prepared to be raped on a regular basis, then cuddled and then the next day his acting like nothing happened. Shit! Put that man out of your life, no matter how much he says he loves you. It takes a certain level of heartlessness to continue enjoying an act with someone who is screaming in pain!!! And he has the nerve to say that he actually loves you? My guess is that he got scared that you might try to take an action against him, so he tried to mellow you by cuddling!
Not only do you need to throw him out of your life, fast, but you also need to tell him that he needs to see a shrink!!
Get out of there! FAST!!!
A
female
reader, nicollieollie  +, writes (4 October 2009):
I think anal sex is on another level than vaginal sex. My boyfriend and I have vaginal sex but I would never consider having anal sex. he has tried to but I have said no and he stopped right away. You should really talk to your boyfriend about it so that he knows your boundaries. I think sometimes men who are "in the moment" forget that they are dealing with a real person with feelings and the man will just want to get off. Ive seen men like this and it actually scares the hell out of me = ( . I think its hard when the person is someone you love but you really have to be stern with them. He should not have done that to you and I do consider that rape.
I am so sorry that happened to you. Take care 3
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female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents  +, writes (4 October 2009):
 That is sick. Yes, that is rape. You clearly told him No, and screaming in pain, and he clearly continued anyway. Just because sexual activity was already in progress does not mean that this wasn't rape. Especially when he put your arms behind your back and got on top of you so you could't move. I would feel MAJORLY violated if this had happened to me.
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male
reader, charlie p +, writes (3 October 2009):
I think that that was actually rape...rape under classical definition meaning forcing a non voluntary sexual act. many men have 'things' for certain sexual practices, but him putting it in after you saying no is unacceptable, keeping it in for several minutes with you screaming is disgusting.
i think in your heart of hearts you feel the same way as i do about this, but my advice is get rid of him. i wouldnt listen to his excuses, as said above actions speak louder than words.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): I'm very sorry this happened to you, no one should have their wishes disrespected in that way, especially when it was clearly hurting you and he continued anyway. It was wrong for him to do so, especially AFTER you said no, and even more so considering that you have talked about this in the past and he knows you are against it.
I believe that this still counts as rape. I respectfully disagree with LazyGuy's point that saying yes then no makes a hard case. You never said yes to anal sex, and I doubt anyone would agree that consenting to have sex means that you are consenting to any type of sex he feels like. Some girls are fine with vaginal sex and anal sex but absolutely hate oral sex. Consenting to one does not imply all are okay. Also, sometimes girls (and guys) consent to sex and then change their mind at the last minue, realizing that it's not REALLY what they want to do, and that's ok. If you change your mind, and make sure the other person is aware that you have changed your mind, then they HAVE to stop, even if in the past it's been ok or if just now you said it was. If they don't stop, then it's rape.
I also disagree with what LazyGuy said about you not saying no to it. Saying no doesn't mean that you have to leave the person, and it doesn't mean that if you stay you are okay with whatever you said no to, it just means that you don't want to do that particular thing. But please note, that's just my opinion, I don't mean to just attack LazyGuy, my apologies.
Also, although you have joked about it in thet past, it sounds to me that still no where in the joking did you ever say that you were open to the idea. It sounds like the "joke" was that he kept saying you'd enjoy it but you disagreed.
I hope you two are able to talk and work things out, you know him best, you know what he's *really* like (although this should be some indication). So, if you feel this was just a mistake and are certain you can trust him again, then good. Otherwise, leave him and find someone who will respect what you want from a relationship and not force things on you just for his benefit.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): I think you have just seen a huge red flag in your relationship and about where your man really stands.
He is in this with you for the sex and the control he has over you. He does not love you, his words are hollow and meaningless, he is trying to control you with apology and working on wearing you down so he can get what you want.
If he wanted to introduce this into your sex life, his utmost concern would be with your comfort and your feelings about it, none of which he did. He literally does not care about you as a person at all.
You are being used. Actions speak louder than words. Get out of this relationship before he sucks you back in, he is a soul crushing person out for his own jollies, he will dump you when he has had his fill of you and move on to the next victim.
I agree, speak to a professional relationship counselor or abuse counselor about this if you don't believe us.
I am sorry this happened to you, it wasn't your fault at all, and yes you can call this rape, that is how you experienced it....he pinned your arms and forced himself on you and didn't stop when you said no or when he heard your screams, you must have put up with enough of a fight that he couldn't really carry on with it.
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A
female
reader, asian tealeaf +, writes (3 October 2009):
 i think u should put a strap-on on, and pierce is anal cavity, when he screams in pain, and says no, stop, tell him, oh, i thought u were joking, i thought this was fun! even if u were joking, his first instinct should of been to pull out, and ask if u wanted to continue or if u were really serious. this man of yours dear has major issues. i have met men who wanted to perform anal and boy, did i drop the mallet on their parade!! i dont have sex withanyguy just like that. and, i dont EVER allow anal to be performed on me. im against such terrible acts, i see how guys get all upset when i say, okay, only if you let me fuck u in the ass as well. the excuses they come up with, like, thats gay, or, girls get fucked, guys dont. tells me a lot about how they view the female sex! and it tells me what they want out of me. im nothing more then a walking fuckable vagina, hence the term, "CUNT", which guys like to use soo loosely nowadays. he was selfish. i would be enraged with him, and i would make sure he paid royally for his abuse. break up with him. theres no love after this had taken place. for me, that would of gone out the "back door", no pun intended. professional help for yourself? i would not. i would take this experience and empower myself with the knowledge id just gained. and use it to my advantage in any relationships i got in for the future. i would pull my chin up. and i would make sure i had a few nasty lasy words with the bugger ex bf that did this to me. and id make sure that he felt as degraded as me when the at was performed. yes, he did apologise after the deed was done. and now acts like all should be well, and forgotten. it will take your ass a few days to forget. i know all too well the pain of anal. an ex husband of mine "slipped" into the wrong hole. i was on the ground in excrutiating pain for hrs. in fact, the pain knocked me out into a blissful sleep for a couple hrs, so the pain numbed eventually, but going to the washroom later was an experience i will never forget. might as well felt like i was shitting out a forklift or two. your anal area gets torn to shreds. and screw all the guys who say just relax your anal area, lube it up. you will come like crazy. heres a word of wisdom for u. if the guy asks you if he can fuck u in the ass because he wants you to orgasm, he says all his other exes loved it and he had them cumming like crazy, if you decline and you see he is getting upset, or disappoited etc, then you know for sure, it was never about you. it was NEVER about giving you the ultimate :O !
it was about HIM. and what he was going to get out of it. guys love anal because the ass is tighter, and, it gives them a sense of, hey, this is dirty, and now im going to go to all my buddies and tell them i just banged this chic in her ass. my friend was against anal sex forever, then the one time where she trusted her new bf whom she was madly in love with, he was the first guy she ever allowed to do this to her, and yea, he knew after he banged her in her ass, it was virgin. he could not help but go to his buddies and brag to them about how he banged her in her ass and how he was her first anal partner etc. she found out 2 yrs later still with him, that he told all his buddies this. friends of his whom they hung out together with. and she felt to dirty and so ashamed, she broke up with him, he cried and said he did not realize it was such a big deal, he only told a couple good close biuddies of his. she replied, yes, but all this time they knew and looked at me like i was some dirty dumb bitch who allowed her bf to slam her in the ass. she said, if you loved me, you would of held our intimate sexual intimacies sacred, and secret. it was like she said, she was a diamond to him before, and he took his feces and smeared it all over her. she said you cant undo what you did. and i can never look at your friends ever again with my head held high. you shamed me, she said. i feel like i was just another anal sore, another notch on your belt. she told him to f off and that was that. most guys are in for it for their own pleasure, their own causes. and usually its not because of your needs, its what turns them on. not you as a couple. girl, id really think about your relationship and i hope you will empower yourself to free yourself from this gentlepig, hes no gentleman. and be strong and tell him, what he did was absolutley and irrevocably UNACCEPTABLE!! period. end of story. and sorry is not enough. "it will never happen again" is not enough. but hes right, it will never happen again because you have moved on to greener pastures, you dont hang out with pigs in their playpen. u dont dirty yourself with such degradations. you have pride, you have self respect, and while your not a prude, or a cold fish in the bed, you have a sense of self respect and you have a limit to what you will allow to be done to you. and he crossed that boundary line you set up. you signed up to have a healthy sexual relationship, not one that degraded you, and inflicted pain upon you. if you have any questions, or comments feel free to p.m me anytime. im so sorry to hear your story, my comments are only based on what you have willingly told us, giving all benefits of doubt, as well as knowing we dont have both sides of this story... but if you are being honest, i have to say im disgusted with your bfs behavior. but it does sound pretty typical of a guy to do so. i hope you will find your inner peace with this soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): He was far more concerned with getting what he wanted than with anything you had to say about it. If you have sex with him again, he'll assume that that kind of thing is fair game. It seems to me that your choice is to put up with it or break up with him. I strongly suggest that he merits the latter.
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A
female
reader, patient66 +, writes (3 October 2009):
You've now prob lost trust. You screamed stop and he shouldve, no doubt. He was thinking of himself and not you.
The question is do you want to be with a man that thinks only about himself and has no consideration if he was hurting you?
He knew how you felt about it and that should have been enough. I think he crossed the line.
Its up to you to decide if you can move on from it or decide that maybe he doesnt have your best interest at heart.
Good Luck xoxo
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): God this is a hard question because if you feel raped that you were physically forced to do something against your will than I would say 'yes'. Men excuse this by saying they thought 'no' really meant yes but that is just an excuse for being selfish and doing what they want to do without your agreement. It happens a lot though even in marriages men are stronger than women and some men will force things once in awhile and then play dumb or say sorry ..... I'm sure they wouldn't want or accept the reverse but don't think about it that way.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (3 October 2009):
 Are you asking for legal advice or relationship advice?
Legal, I don't know, you after all did consent to have sex with him, just not in that way. Saying yes and then no makes for a hard case. More important, he has said he wanted to fuck you in the ass and you did NOT say no (as in leaving him).
But if you are asking for relationship advice, then yes. You said no, have said this repeatedly. He didn't listen. He forced what he wanted, for several minutes completly ignoring your screams and tears.
Now, men are not nice and a "joke" is: http://www.demotivateus.com/anal-all-girls-like-it-in-the-ass-some-just-dont-know-it-yet-demotivational-poster/
This gives you some idea of how some men think about it. How HE thinks about it.
Abusers ALWAYS say they are sorry. Afterwards. The fact is, he knew you didn't want it, he heard your pain and he continued nonetheless.
Does it really matter wether you call that rape of abuse or whatever? He didn't mind hurting you for several minutes.
But if you want to continue this relationship, you can see if he is REALLY sorry with a very simple trial. Go to a sex shop. Buy the biggest dildo you can find, and bugger him.
If he won't allow it, then you know exactly what you are dealing with. Someone who think it is alright for women to suffer pain for his pleasure but not the other way around.
But hey, you love him. So, advice just doesn't matter. Buy a lot of lube and get used to it. You will. Whenever a woman say "but I really love him" nothing matters. They will forgive anything.
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A
female
reader, Rose_red_09 +, writes (3 October 2009):
There's alot of guys that will always push their luck when it comes to anal sex - but if you are screaming and saying no....
Could he have misinterpreted your behaviour because of the joke that you have between you guys - I guess as I don't know the dynamics of the relationship, it's hard for me to gage.
But - no really does mean no - if anything, you need to talk to him and explain exactly how you feel. Am sure that you now feel that you just can't trust him.
Take care
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (3 October 2009):
It may not have quite been rape as you were in a sexual act already but he was forceful. He did not introduce that into your sexual activity in the proper way at all. If I were you I would get rid of him. This was very disrepectful what he did. His utmost priority should have been to make you feel as comfortable as possible before even attemtpting to violate you in that way. Now your trust for him is tarnished and really it seems he has little respect for you. This makes me sick that some guys seem to be able to get away with this but. It is up to you to be strong and always stand up for yourself. I am here for you if you need someone to talk to.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 October 2009):
You told him clearly to stop and screamed, yet he continued. It's really very hard to judge. Do you feel as if he raped you? I konw you're confused, but it depends on how you feel about it. More importantly, he didn't seem to be that bothered did he? So you also need to ask yourself whether you want to be in a relationship with this man. If you feel bad, do see a counsellor to help you. I@m sorry I can't be more help.
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