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Should I confess everything to my husband?

Tagged as: Cheating, Long distance, Marriage problems, Sex

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Question - (20 January 2010)

22 Answers - (Newest, 31 January 2010)

A female age 41-50, anonymous writes:

i am a wife n a mother. i have been married for the last 5yrs. my husband has gone for offshore job for 2-3 months. last sunday i had sex with my brother-in-law. from that time i am really feeling guilty. should i confess everything to my husband?

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A female reader, Share Bear +, writes (31 January 2010):

Is your husband living back at home with you, or is he still away on his offshore job for some time? -It could really help to spend some time together to work things through.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2010):

from the day i hv confess i m feeling good. bt the pain is still there in us. v r both trying to work it out. hope it will be in comin days.....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010):

I am glad for you.Your husband is a genuinely nice person.Do you agree with me that he doesn't deserve this kind of betrayal from you in future?

Please ask yourself the following questions:

1.Why did I cheat?

2.Was it the sex or did I do it because there's something missing(love,emotional stability) in my marriage.

If you do love your husband you would work towards filling the empty spaces in your marriage

3.Would I have cheated with my brother-in-law or any other guy would have done

4.If it was your brother-in-law was it because you are attracted to him or was it a heat of the moment thing

5.Can you honestly see you loving your husband in future.Love is the most powerful factor to make sure you don't stray off path.Most of us get tempted.But To take the final step was a very BIG decision.If we do love the husband its easy to say NO and stay away from the temptation.

A marriage without love is like a body without life.Its obvious your husband loves you.He wouldn't have forgiven you otherwise.But do you love your husband?I meant Are you in love with him?

If you can never see yourself loving your husband think twice before continuing your marriage.Honesty with your husband is appreciable.Being honest with yourself is life-saving.Please do some soul searching and waiting for your reply ~Mrs.Anon

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A male reader, Sal84 +, writes (22 January 2010):

It seems that you have some sort of enemity with your husband.1st you decieve him and then you tell him about it so that he can forgive you and so that you no longer feel guilt even at the expense of causing bad relations with his brother in the future.Its a great gesture on the part of you husband to say that he forgive you, but I sincerely hope and pray that he gets selective amnesia and forgets the incident as its very difficult for men to forget.

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A female reader, Share Bear +, writes (22 January 2010):

Congratulations! -That must was a brave but necessary act for you to regain piece of mind in the long run. You made the right decision to be honest and I'm really glad it worked out for you!

I think CaringGuy is right to be a little cautious. Be aware that this may keeping hitting him or slowly sinking in as he starts to come to terms with this. Just be careful to treat him with kid gloves for a while and to be supportive of him through this. Basically just don't take it for granted that this is the last you'll hear about this, and be prepared to listen and to reassure him about your feelings for him.

But you've got through the biggest hurdle. He's agreed to stay with you and to work through this together. That's fantastic news, and I wish you both every happiness. You may even find that you come out of this whole experience stronger as a couple for your brave admission.

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A male reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 January 2010):

He won't have forgiven you that quickly. He might start to become angrier as time goes on. So just be aware of that, and make sure you give him a huge amount of reassurance.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

i confessed everything to my husband......he was badly hurt....bt he says he has forgiven me n wants to start a fresh life with me....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010):

Instead of anyone else over here playing Judge,Jury and executioner I suggest you tell your husband.Its his decision what he wants to do about it.He has entire rights to know about it.I have known of so many women who forgive their cheating spouses,take them back and act like they are the most perfect guy in the world.All I am trying to say is that if they are so unbiased and perfect,they shouldn't have taken their cheating spouses back?No one here has a right to condemn you or judge you because none of us are perfect.Its up to your HUSBAND.

Hiding it from your husband is not fair on him.When we do a mistake we should be prepared to face the consequences as well.You don't have to be a saint but accepting your mistakes is a good start on the way to being a good human being.Remember you cannot do anything about what has happened.But the next hour,the next day,the next day is fully under your control.Its never too late to take ownership of your actions.Go on and tell your husband.That seems to be the best step forward.

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A female reader, Share Bear +, writes (21 January 2010):

Thanks, soon567.

Whoa- Male anonymous, how can you play down or even justify such an act as 'a mistake'?

A kiss, a embrace can be a mistake. Sleeping with someone takes enough time that you've recognised what you're doing and consented to Carry On. Unless of course the intimacy is so awesome, so enthralling that you don't even realise that you could be ruining your marriage? Intimacy sooo good that it overcomes your even considering the brutal destruction of your marriage? How can such awesome sex be a genuine 'oops!' mistake??

If someone makes a mistake in their naive youth or teenage years, before experiencing life and relationships: THAT may be a mistake. If you accept a ring on your finger standing on the beach at sunset, ask your dad to give you away, ask your sister to be your bridesmaid, and stand up in front of your family and friends and vow to Marry your lover... and THEN you sleep with your brother-in-law?

THAT is not 'a mistake'. That is the wilful destruction of everything that he trusted your marriage to be.

Male anonymous, you may have generously forgiven your wife, and this poster's husband may even be so gracious as to forgive her for this. But do not try and play down or even to justify this, and do not try and condone living a lie, letting the other partner go on living a lie without ever knowing that their marriage is a sham. The former suggests it may be forgivable for the rest of us to do the same, and the latter suggests that we don't even have to confess.

Has your life really got so bad that you want to live in such torment as to never trust that anything that you value is real, because you haven’t even asked it to be true??

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010):

Heather108, how can you start your post praising honesty and then encouraging life rules which encourage lies and deception?

Why do you seem to insinuate that it might be okay to cheat, but not to cheat twice?? Would you think the same if your dad cheated once on your mum??

Secondly, you're more worried about your reputation that remaining true and honest with your partner? (in this case- her husband!!)

Thirdly, you're not even honest about your deception with your best friend or with 'anyone'??

Fourthly, you encourage denying it even suspected/ accused??

Fifthly, you forgive yourself all this, and seem to think that is okay?

and finally, you even disguise your behavious by leading your partner on to trust that he is in a caring and fresh relationship?

Okay- and with those views- you considered yourself the right candidate to post on an advise website??

How do you find any value in your life?? Seriously? WHAT do you value?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010):

Whoa- Male anonymous, how can you play down or even justify such an act as 'a mistake'?

A kiss, a embrace can be a mistake. Sleeping with someone takes enough time that you've recognised what you're doing and consented to Carry On. Unless of course the intimacy is so awesome, so enthralling that you don't even realise that you could be ruining your marriage? intimacy sooo good that it overcomes your even considering the brutal destruction of your marriage? How can such awesome sex be a genuine 'oops!' mistake??

THAT is not 'a mistake'. That is the wilful destruction of everything that he trusted your marriage to be.

Has your life really got so bad that you want to live in such torment as to never trust that anything that you value is real, because you haven’t even asked it to be true??

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010):

i have been through this before, my wife told me. (I wish i never knew ) Honestly, don't tell him, what he wont know wont hurt him. the saying is true. Whats good about this is that you still love your husband and want to remain with him, and you only made a mistake, all peopple make mistakes, that's why we are called HUMAN, we are not gods. We are a universal creature of emotions/actions, and not everyone can control themselves, u are but 1 of 6 billion people in the world who has made a mistake, i wouldnt make this anymore harder then it is by telling your husband. Just repend, pray and ask god for forgiveness, and in due time if you think its time to tell him,then do so, if not, dont worry. Goodluck

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A female reader, heather108 +, writes (21 January 2010):

Honesty is almost always a good thing but in this case it would serve no good purpose and only hurt your husband.

If you truly feel guilt then there's a good chance you would not let it happen again.

Many married women have such affairs but your main error was letting it happen too close to home and with a relative.

The bright side is that you can make use of my guidelines for maintaining a proper reputation.

First, never discuss private personal relationships with anyone, especially best friends.

Second, if accused, denial that it happened is your best answer.

Third, forgive yourself because we all make mistakes and there's no good reason to keep beating yourself up over something that was only motivated by curiosity or loneliness.

Also, when your husband comes home, find some reason to make it a real special catch-up event that he will remember for a while to come.

I wish you well.

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A male reader, lakers_lover09 +, writes (21 January 2010):

i wouldnt be able to live with myself if i did that to someone i love. TELL EM he will respect u for it later and life.. especially for his children.. but his brother in law is a doushe. his own bro...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010):

Arrrgghh! How can so many of the aunts advise ongoing lies?? What sort of a marriage will you have if you never tell him about this? It will be a complete sham- based upon cheating and lies!

And that it is exactly what it is right now- and it will continue to be a complete sham until you’ve come clean with him about your mistake- and until he has forgiven you.

And if he doesn’t forgive you? –Well that’s his choice and he has every right to make it. We all deserve the truth so that we can make informed decisions about what we want from life. It may be that he can no longer love you after what you’ve done to him. Imagine his hurt and embarrassment at family gatherings??

And anyone who suggests you should only tell him IF he might find out? Well that’s appalling! What sort of moral is that to live by? How would you judge a future son or daughter-in-law if they took this stance towards your child?

How would you describe yourself? A wife and mother? Married for 5 years? How would you look back on your life? Value your achievements? You have wasted the very core of your adult life and potentially destroyed the relationship between your child’s parents! –And for what? -A mistaken roll in the hay??

Your only salvation is to come clean with him and to put yourself in his hands. Or this will weigh on your shoulders forever.

Be humble.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010):

Your husband is in the middle of the ocean on an oil rig (a very tough job) in order to provide for you and you decide to have sex with his brother...now you want to confess because you feel guilty and telling him would make you feel better. Does your husband mean anything to you??? How old are you? You are very immature. You need some counseling and you should do some volunteer work so that it might perhaps teach you to put others before your own selfish desires.

I feel sorry for your husband. I feel even worse that I you are female, you make us all look bad.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010):

If it was a mistake and your brother in law will not tell do not tell him! It will only hurt him unnecessarily. If he is gone at his job 2-3 months at a time, think of how much he will worry what you are doing? Just keep it to yourself and make sure it doesn't happen again

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A male reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 January 2010):

This stands to do more damage. Imagine how your husband will feel when he knows you cheated on him with his brother. He will be very hurt. Make it clear the your brother in law it will never happen again, never be alone with him and deal with your guilt alone. Then when your husband gets back, focus on your marriage.

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A female reader, lola29 +, writes (20 January 2010):

your brother in law is probably going to tell him sooner or later. AND might blackmail you to have sex with him.

Well think about what might happen, be prepared. secrets like these never really stay a secret.

goodluck

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A female reader, Roadster73 +, writes (20 January 2010):

Firstly you have to ask yourself why you did it? and is it likely that you will do it again and the chance of your husband finding out?

If I were you honesty is the best policy but I wouldnt tell him if he has no chance of getting back to sort it out, it might effect his head and work if you did that?

What I would do if it was a mistake that you dont want to repeat I would write him a letter explaining everything for when he gets home, a real letter from the heart telling him if you feel you made a mistake or if your lonely without him home. Also I would look up your nearest couple counselling and sort thatout for when he gets back or even now for them to help you tell him in a controlled safe way?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010):

if you do confess then you are going to have to be prepared for the reaction that you are going to ge and it also depends on if you are prepared to tell the kids where their dad has gone if he walks out on you.

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A male reader, ChrisC +, writes (20 January 2010):

I think your hustband has a right to now. Keeping this from him is the same as lying to him and deceiving him. He doesn't deserve that. Believe me, I learned the hard way what happens if you keep things from someone and lie to them. You need to confess.

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