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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I know a lot of experts on dearcupid.org think men normally don't befriend girls unless they want something more from the girls - either sex or romance. So what do you guys think about this?Do you agree that a lot of the time, guys and girls befriend each other because of the attraction--because they think something more might happen between them. They eventually stay friends because they realize it never could? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've just read an article on the Internet and I think it summarizes what I'm trying to say:Of course "men" and "women" can form close and purely platonic friendships.There are three important truths that never seem to get acknowledged when this conversation comes up:1) Some men and women are incapable of forming purely platonic friendships with the opposite sex; the key here is that "some" is not "all" - many who fall into this category make the mistake of projecting on others.2) Any individual may be able to form purely platonic friendships with some other individuals of the opposite sex, but not with others. You can be naturally attracted to one "type" and not to another. Intimate friendship may overcome that, or it may not. It's not automatic, and some are more susceptible than others.3) Just because a relationship is not "purely platonic" doesn't mean it isn't a "real" friendship. I can be attracted to friends of the opposite gender to some degree and still be friends with them with out it being sublimated unrequited love or some sort of sham to get into their pants. I can even be presented with the opportunity to act on those desires and not take that opportunity because, for various reasons, I would prefer our relationship to remain at the friendship level. (Hell, maybe we could even have sex and not form any sort of romantic attachment, "friends with benefits" style - it probably wouldn't work for me, but it would be presumptuous of me to project that on everyone else. It might work for some people.) In other words, you can think your friends are attractive and still be friends with them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've just read this in another forum:Do all men want to f___ their female friends? Yeah, pretty much. Men--especially younger men--almosr NEVER go out of their way to befriend women unless they are attracted to them. Almost never. If a guy makes any effort at all to be your buddy, you can pretty much bet he's into you.But you what? It doesn't matter that much. Men see women they find attractive walking down the street all the time, too. They don't don't go hitting on every one of them. As they mature, most guys come to recognize that the world is full of desirable women who, for any number of reasons, are not available to them. If your male friends are mature enough to take "no" for an answer and leave it alone, there is no reason you can't be friends with them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter reading all these comments,here comes to the conclusion: guys and girls can be just friends but some can't.It depends on different people,different personalities and different situation.
I've got a few guy friends and we're pretty close.I'm sure we're just platonic friends.Cos they told me they didn't find me attractive and they see me as a sister or brother.
I've also got 2 guy friends who find me attractive.One of them has stroked my thigh and has slapped my arse before! Another one asked me to be his 'friends with benefit'!!! WTF?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondiamondshards: Brilliant point!
I totally agree with what you say here.Men and women can be just friends if they're acquaintances or casual friends. They can also be just friends (platonic) if they don't find each other attractive.
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reader, diamondshards  +, writes (20 August 2012):
My take is that it depends on the kind and level of friendship as well as when this friendship developed. I do believe men and women can be close friends {ie, talking to each other really often, hanging out etc.} without there being any sexual tension/intention when they share a brother/sister sort of bond, which usually develops when they have grown up together and known each other since they were kids. The kid in the neighbour who you've always went to school with and gradually became best friends with? You two can be close without neither of them wanting anything different. {I stress 'CAN'- of course some people have fallen for their long time bffs}. I think this happens because you get to know them before you see the opposite sex as 'partner material', then your bond gets deeper over time, but still not necessarily in the partnership direction.I also do believe women and men can be friends even when they meet as adults, but in this case I believe the friendship tends to be less 'close', more diluted. You hang out sometimes, you chat when you get a chance, you text or call every once in a while, but it's not that 'we MUST see/hear each other every single day' thing. I don't believe in friendships between opposite genders which are THAT close and developed once both parties were adults. If you and your male friend do talk to each other daily {and go out of your way to do so, you don't just accidentally bump into each other}, if when you're on a week long vacation you call him every single day, if you constantly make plans to see him...chances are at least one of the two is interested in the other. Of course, there may be exceptions, but I find them unlikely to be the rule.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2012): A man and a woman who spend enough time together to call them selves friend's are like two ships waiting for the perfect storm of opportunity to wash them into bed.
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reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (20 August 2012):
 I realize there are already many, many answers but I thought I would add anyway. I have never had a male friend that did not try to date me. They all act that way in the beginning but it changes very quickly and I begin to hear compliments then inappropriate comments. Then when I say I have no interest they won't talk to me anymore! Great "friends" right? I agree completely with bondgirl 100% I had guy friends in high school but I think that is different. Having an opposite sex friend when married is inappropriate in my opinion. As Bondgirl said, talking to a colleague or neighbor is one thing, but being married and going to dinner or the movies alone with a male friend? Highly inappropriate to me.
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reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (19 August 2012):
 31 answers and counting, and yet here I am compelled to write again.
There are some troubles here. One our premise is taken from a line in a movie delivered by a comedian. The line was written to get a laugh. It was delivered to get a laugh. Truth or guidance was never intended. It was pretty funny. Humor happens when the truth that we know is cast in a way we don't expect.
Hugo is also wrong for two reasons. One he is giving his opinion, without any proof, from his own unique perspective. There fore his truth cannot be applied to people who are not in his perspective. Two, he is writing what his audience wants to hear. You would never see this published on another forum because this is exactly the message that this forum desired.
So I reject it all. What is the truth you ask? For me It is that close platonic relationships between people attracted to each other are too risky to bother with. For Cerberus the Truth is that he can and does successfully have these relationships. And For Hugo, apparently, every one of his relationships is like this. Now I hope that the women who think I should be able to have that kind of friendship will forgive me for my weakness.
BTW I will take The Art of Manliness website over the good man project any day.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2012): Of course it's possible, I have plenty of female friends I find attractive but have no lust nor desire to be anything more with.
God I hate the good men project though, 'how to be a man by doing what women tell us to do.'
There is nothing worse than a man who embraces feminism so much as to think the only way to be a good man is complete feminisation and becoming subservient to women.
I have a friend who worships that site and as much as I respect him he acts like teenage girl, is over emotional, becomes a slave to any woman he dates and spends so long freaking out and trying to figure out how to meet a woman's needs and be the perfect sensitive, meek man, that he completely doesn't get that he has needs too and most women, in my experience, don't like to date pushovers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have just read a very meaningful article about "Lust Doesn’t Have to Ruin a Platonic Friendship".This article also proves what Harry (the movie "when harry met sally) says is wrong.
A man can still be a friend with a woman whom he finds attractive.
Please read this:
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/harry-was-wrong-lust-doesnt-have-to-ruin-platonic-friendship/
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually,this topic reminds me of a guy telling his friends(including female friends) that he wants to have sex with all of his female friends but he said this in a joking way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow!I've got loads of replies.Thank you for sharing your opinions :)
well,it seems that everyone has different points of view on friendship between men and women.I personally think platonic friendship (no sexual/romantic feeling) definitely exists between men and women only if:
1.the man is gay or the woman is lesbian
2.They find each other unattractive or even ugly
3.One of the parties is already married
4.they always see each other as brothers/sisters
I strongly agree with what ladder theory says about the relationship between men and women.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): Ok I am of the female gender but I will say this, I once had a friend who was quoted as saying on friendships with men ''Do you fancy them? Because if you don't want to sleep with them, then what's the point?''
something to consider there lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): So why is it if you ask the girl what their guy friend's would do if they offered them sex they don't hesitate in saying that they would take it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): Ok, I'm starting to worry! As far as I know I'm not gay,or ugly, lacking in social skills or married.I get on better with women than men. A quick scroll through my phone contacts tells me that 2/3 of them are woman and I haven't slept with any of them. I find some of them attractive, they're all fun to be around, but we're just friends.When I broke up from my partner I phoned my best friend who is a woman. I'm godparent to her daughter and she helped me through a difficult time. I can't see what the issue is with being friends with the opposite sex.
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reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 August 2012):
I thought further, And although this topic has plenty of answers I think I'll add a bit more.
I have had some online friendships with women who were in my danger zone. I didn't seem to have a problem with it. I have no problem working with women or interacting in a business situation. I wouldn't call them friends. Same in my Hobby areas.
The other thing you should think about when considering my opinion is that I don't attach strongly in most cases. I don't need a lot of friends.
As to the maturity question. Maturity helps, but I need to know my own limits to keep myself safe.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): Yes I believe they can. I have many male friends and sadly like a lot of others, I always get accused that there is something going on. There isn't. I think it depends alot on age and the two people. A mature male will be able to be close with you without wanting more, even in his teens. It really is aload of rubbish what people tell you. I'm not saying there aren't a LOT of guys who will want more, as there are. But as a past reader here said it depends how they approach you,. if they immediately ask for your number, its pretty obvious what they want. Other than that there is no harm done
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 August 2012):
 In my experience, men and women CAN be friends.. but only if at least ONE of them is happily taken in a romance... it's better if both are happily married.... then it's a no brainer...
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): I think it's quite condescending for people to say it takes a level of maturity to be able to be friends with the opposite sex. Since when is it immature to be attracted to another person you're obviously interested in even if that interest is purely platonic?
Am I immature for being attracted to my girlfriend?
OP platonic friendships between men and women are of course very possible, there are plenty of ugly men and women around that are lovely people.
In my experience it can happen but at the same time I've slept with all my female friends in the past, but the ones I've become friends with since I met my current girlfriend are all platonic.
For me it always happened due to the fact I'm very physically affectionate with my friends and that can get out of hand. Plus I find myself attracted to a very wide range of women, it takes a lot for me to find a girl ugly enough that there isn't some form of attraction there.
Now a lot of people before me didn't actually answer this part of your question at all.
"men normally don't befriend girls unless they want something more from the girls - either sex or romance."
It depends on the circumstances of us befriending a girl. If we're a complete stranger before we befriend you and ask you for your number then it's not friendship we want. If we have shared projects in work or college and are thrown together and develop a friendship then yeah it can be strictly platonic but again the chances of attraction are very high.
OP random guys don't befriend random girls, people only really befriend people who are useful well what use has a girl you hardly even know other than to get to to bone her eventually? In college, work, or someone you meet through friends or hobbies, they all have a use as a person.
This article is quite informative when you cut through the usual melodramatic tone of this crappy paper. The test group is small but the study had some interesting findings, in my experience it's quite accurate too.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2178297/What-Harry-told-Sally-right-Why-man-just-friends-woman--attraction-gets-way.html
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reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (14 August 2012):
 I also wanted to add that I too get along better with men. I too had male friends growing up, but that is the difference "growing up". My male "friends" now are acquaintances, colleagues, etc. I don't call them in the middle of the night when I am upset for a shoulder to cry on, I don't call them to go to sporting events, I don't call them to go see movies. There is a huge difference in what you call a friend and the stage of maturity. Yes, I understand that some people CAN have a "friend" of the opposite sex who they constantly see, talk to, and do things with, but that is rare because that much time spent together ends up in feelings developing. If it doesn't, you're made of steel.
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reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (14 August 2012):
We aren't imagining "sinister sexual relationships" at all. We have just had experience with human nature and human nature is that when people are *close* friends, someone MAY develop stronger feelings. That is human nature and not anything sinister.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): The biggest load of rubbish ever is the following phrase "Men and women can't be friends", unfortunately propogated by When Harry Met Sally.
My best friend is female. We are incredibly close, in fact everyone thinks we are a couple. We are not, never have been. We met when we were with other people, we remained best friends when we were single, we are still best friends now we are dating others. when we were single, we even went on holiday together sharing a twin room. There is nothing there but very deep friendship. We have been there for each other through the best and worst of times.
Nine of my ten closest friends are female. Never had a thing for any of them or vice versa. I have been told by all of them at one time or another that I have a gift for friendship.
Am I unique? No, I don't think so, as most of them also have good friends of the opposite sex. I think it is more likely from my generation down (we are all mid-30s). I know people in their mid-40s onwards who just can't get their heads round platonic friendships between the opposite sex.
I agree with the earlier poster who says it takes a level of maturity to do it. I mean, what's WRONG with just going to a meal or the movies with someone whose company you enjoy?
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reader, C. Grant  +, writes (14 August 2012):
 When I was younger I had 'friends' who were girls, but I always had a thing for them. There is presently a woman who I would consider a friend for whom I have no other feelings at all, but it's taken me a long time to get here. Wasn't possible at all for me in my teens/20s.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 August 2012):
 Growing up I had mainly male friends, as the street I lived on only had one girl and she was 10 years my senior and my older brother and I were two peas in a pod.
Throughout school and college I had many male friend all of them platonic. For instance my best bud, ended up marrying an old female acquaintance of mine who became one of my best friends as well.
I have never had anything sexual going on with any of them, I actually regarded most of them like extra brothers. I wold often be the "wingman" as well. I still talk to most of them.
I just in general get along better with males.
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reader, demeplev +, writes (14 August 2012):
 I have mostly male platonic friendships for a million years...with that said I need to point out that most women have difficulty being friends with men because either the male fancies them or vice versa, but I feel that it DEPENDS on the girl in question.so many girls who want to be friends with guys usually want more or develop feelings ..and I believe that most men will want to sleep with almost any girl under certain conditions..and it depends on the integrity of the girl to disallow that to occur in a true friendship otherwise it will always teeter on fwb or something more..sorry I believe that wholeheartedly. Good luck. peace and love
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reader, dearkelja +, writes (14 August 2012):
 Interesting reading. I had a very close male friend and we used to compare on-line dating experiences. It was great to have a male friend. Until.....
He found the one and he never hung out with me again (though he called occasionally to chat)...Until....
He and "the one" were experiencing problems. I listened as he talked through his problems and told him to work things out. He said he was surprised to hear me say that. I never asked why but I think he thought I was interested in him and would try to talk him into breaking things off.
These days he is "sort of" happy with "the one" and I never talk to him or see him because I'm not real fond of rainy day friends.
I think it is possible to be friends but I agree, not too close of friends. The occasional golf outing or casual lunch but anything date like should be avoided to minimize the risk of someone getting feelings.
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reader, ChiRaven +, writes (14 August 2012):
 I have two friendships with women that I have had since 1967-68. Neither were ever lovers. We are just good friends. They are 250 miles away, so I don't see them all that often, but we have a good time when we do. Neither friendship was ever based on attraction. So it IS possible to have friends who are just that.
(By the way, I've dumped more than my share of prospective gilfriends/lovers because they could not deal with these friendships. NOTHING comes between me and my friends!)
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reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 August 2012):
You asked for a man's opinion. This is how I see it. A friendly relationship with a Woman is so dangerous wit so many pitfalls and traps that I just won't try.
Having said that there are two exceptions in my life. One is women well over 60 years old. The other was my greatest mistake. Ended up being an emotional affair on my part. I still talk to her on occasion, always very carefully.
FA
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (14 August 2012):
Bondgirl makes a really good point about the difference between being FRIENDLY and actual FRIENDS. I have a lot of male classmates I can get along great with without having something more develop. Do I consider them to be friends, like true friends in every sense of the word? No. It's not facebook after all.
I believe that it is very hard to maintain a close friendship with a guy you get together with, talk to, do stuff with on a frequent basis. Often something more develops on one side or both. Platonic friendships are doable, but close friendships are not, in my opinion, unless:
- one's gender preference keeps you out of the option pool.
- you're both already in a happy relationship with someone else and don't need that void to be filled.
- some variation of the above
There are probably exceptions, but they are very rare.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): I tried many times to be friends with guys and ended up sleeping with them, and after that there was no more friendships.
You see a lot on tv that girls and guys are friends but in a real life it's rare. I went to a party recently, and saw there a guy who I knew, but last time saw him 3 years ago. We hugged and were catching up, and the next day he invited me to his pool party, there were other people, but he stayed next to me the whole time.
He has a girlfriend and doesn't even live in the same state. But its his vacation home and he comes every couple months for a long weekend but often just himself. He complemented me all day on my body, was brushing against me, and then I said, hey, I thought we were friends, I know your girlfriend, what's up with this flirting?
He said, you really believe in friendship between a man and a woman? I hang out with you because you are pretty and I like having pretty girls around me. Here we go, I thought he liked to hang out because I m smart and fun, may be that too, but would he hang out with me, if he didn't like physically, probAbly not.
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reader, Lake +, writes (14 August 2012):
It is interesting to read the different views here. One I think we can all debate on for centuries.
"Women view any men who talks to them mean he wants to sleep with her.
Men view any women who talks to them mean she fancies him.
Same sex means they are being friendly."
Why?
Why does this perception exist?
I can honestly say, that I have made friends with female human beings with the only intention of being friends. Is that so hard to comprehend? Why do we have to imagine sinister/sexual reasons for companionship?
Human by nature are social creatures. If we only care about sex and reproduction, then villages, towns and countries would not exist. Not everyone who smiles at you, or offer a helping hand want to sleep with you. If so, then maybe you are living in the wrong place?
Hell, if no one is about, I would talk to a wall! Does that make me want to have sexual intercourse with it?
Please don't brush all humans with the same sweeping statement. The older you get, the more you put into friendship. My oldest friends will always be there. If need a shoulder to cry on, I care not if its female or male, as long as it belongs to one I love and trust.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2012): It's possible. But, expect for it to bore single guys who csn't get a decent girlfriends, real quick.
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reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (14 August 2012):
I agree with misfitschick, and yes I have tried. I developed a friendship with a guy and it turned into more for both of us. He then wanted to go back to being "just friends". I tried, but my heart simply couldn't take it. I was in love with him. When you're attracted to and in love with someone, you can't just switch off your feelings for a friendship.
I think it could be possible in extremely RARE occasions where two people never had feelings for one another and nothing developed in the meantime, but that is dependent on both people never developing feelings. That's a chance you take.
I think you can be FRIENDLY and you can have COLLEAUGES who are of the opposite sex, but to have a friend that you do things with, talk to on a daily basis, and generally spend a lot of time with...chances are something more is going to develop. If it doesn't, someone is probably gay or you have more of a brother/sister relationship (which I'm not sure can happen either).
Honestly, I do not take much interest in men unless they are a romantic prospect. Yes, I have acquaintances and wonderful colleagues who are men. Yes, I talk to men at my job. Yes, I talk to my neighbors who are men, and I have great conversations with them. But, I don't text them, don't call them and chat, don't go to movies with them, don't communicate with or see them on a daily basis.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (13 August 2012):
 The ones who say it isn't possible are usually the one who have never bothered to try. It seems like it's often men who believe that the only reason to be friends with women is for sex, rather than people who just enjoy each others' company.I had a platonic guy friend in college who I was incredibly close with. If he had wanted something to happen, there were so many times it could have and didn't. I never felt any sexual tension there either. Ever.
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reader, misfitschik66 +, writes (13 August 2012):
 And another thing..i used to have crushes on some of my guy friends and they still don't know to this day i had a thing for them!
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reader, misfitschik66 +, writes (13 August 2012):
And another thing..i used to have crushes on some of my guy friends and they still don't know to this day i had a thing for them!
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reader, misfitschik66 +, writes (13 August 2012):
I know I'm not a guy and this is just my own personal opinion but I have never been friends with a guy that did not like me physically or emotionally or vice versa
My husband(friend at the time) he straight up started hanging around me and wanted to start a friendship with me just because he was obsessed with me i eventually started to really like him and 4 months after we decided to take the next step and started dating..we are married now
before i even met my husband i had multiple guys who hung around with me just because they wanted to be my boyfriend i turned them all down and guess what? they stopped being my friend!!!!!
my husband has also told me that all his "girlfriends" stopped talking to him after he told them he was marrying me
I guess they thought they still had a chance with him? i dunno but i think it's a little odd don't you think? to just stop being some ones friend once they find out there getting married!
if your friends with a man or a woman chances are they have common interest or a good personality you can stand to be around and chances are someone in that party will become attached or emotionally connected to the other at some point whether they want to or not even if they know that never have a chance and an example of that being is if your friend is a homosexual or a lesbian
and an example of this is I had a friend in high school who was a lesbian come out and told me knowing full well i was straight and she never had a chance say she was in love with me even though i knew this we are still great friends and we don't let this get in the way she is now happy with someone else and she has said she is over me and it was just that we extremely close and used to do everything together that the feelings started to develop
so my opinion stands..opposite sex friendships at least has one person interested in the other even if it never really comes to the surface
this is just my experiences and opinion though and i'm sure there are lot's of other opinions as well
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (13 August 2012):
As I've often said, I'm friends with girls that I don't fancy, and if they all fancy me I'll eat my own words!
I think that men can have platonic relationships with women, and vice versa. I don't always think that there needs to be 'something' between them.
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