A
female
age
30-35,
*eheh
writes:I had an intimate relationship with many boys when I was 19-20 years old. Im really upset with what I had done. And I'm scared that what would happen if in the future my husband would get to know about my bad body figure. Please help me? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (3 September 2016):
For starters, I have to assert that your past is ABSOLUTELY your future husbands business if he asks.
The single thing that separates romantic relationships from all others is sex. Why someone would think past performance in this category is somehow off limits baffles me. It would be like going for a mortgage and saying your income and past credit history is non of their business.
If the guy asks, you have a moral and ethical obligation to answer completely honestly. If he doesnt ask, then that is his own fault and deserves what he gets.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2016): Would you want to know if your husband had been very briefly married many times in the past? Think about it like this.
You might not want to know all the details. Or you might think you want to know the details but later regret hearing them. But still you might feel angry if he kept his past a secret from you and then you found out the truth much later.
Once you are married try to never meet or interact with any of your past sex partners. If avoiding them all is impossible then you MUST tell your husband about your past with ones you cannot avoid. DO NOT let your husband meet or spend time with any of your past lovers without knowing you had sex with them. That would be very insulting for a man.
The morally right thing to do is tell your husband (before you are married or engaged) that you are not a virgin. You don't need to tell him everything but you should not try to fool him. You can say "I don't want to talk about that" for some questions but you should not lie. There is an important difference between refusing to answer a question and telling a lie.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 August 2016):
 Quite frankly, I think instead that this OP's concerns are
rather valid and justified -
The OP lives in a country where STILL today arranged marriages are the overwhelming majority. It's slowly getting better, and love marriages are becoming increasingly more acceptable- but we are still looking at 85%-90 % of arranged ( by the parents ) marriages, - and this in urban, industralized areas... (... imagine in the country ) .
The wide majority of men , then, within this wide majority of arranged grooms to be , still nowadays wants and expects a virgin wife. Not so much for religious reasons , but simply , in the same way as an American or European guy would naturally expect his future wife not to have a rap sheet for armed robbery , and would be upset in finding she has :
because nice girls just don't do that kind of stuff.
( I am not saying this is right- it's not- just that it IS and we cannot pretend this is not what the OP will have most probably to contend with. ).
You cannot go back in time and undo what is done. So, no point in wringing your hands about it.
But, I think all you can do is to be sincere and then, what will be will be. I don't think you have any valid alternatives.
If you get a good offer or somebody seems serious about you- before things get even more serious, tell him that you already have sexual experience ( no need to be TOO detailed at this stage ). If he is a modern, open minded, kind hearted guy /.. which, he coud possibly be. One can be a respectfl son that wants to follow tradition and please his family, AND an open minded, non judgemental type ) then, no big deal and no problem.
If he is NOT openminded, he can withdraw his offer honourably and diplomatically, with some generic excuse , without causing scandals, rows and animosity.
But if he should find out later that he got what in his , or his parents', mind, is " tainted goods ", I am sure you know the repercussions may be unpleasant at best and dramatic at most.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (30 August 2016):
 As long as you are loyal and faithful to your husband and are the best partner to him that you can possibly be, your past is none of his business. Everyone makes mistakes. Relax! You're not the only one, you're not the first one and you won't be the last. Chances are that your husband too will have a past. Both of you need to look past that and plan a beautiful future together and not let bygones weigh you down.
...............................
A
female
reader, masquerade711  +, writes (30 August 2016):
 The right man will love and accept you for who you are right now, not who you were or what you've done before. Your past experiences are part of what make you who you are. You've learned lessons and figured out what you want, and that's something to be proud of.
As long as you have been screened for STDs and your husband is not at risk physically, there is nothing to be concerned about.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (30 August 2016):
 The likelihood that he knows that you are not a virgin will be low. You likely haven't done any damage to yourself, you can do kegel exercises if you're worried about not feeling tight enough. And if you don't bleed: not everyone bleeds their first time, hymens break even without sex being involved. If you feel you need to, you can tell your partner your hymen broke on its own. He doesn't need to know about your sexual history, that's between you and you alone.
...............................
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (30 August 2016):
 What is done is done; the past is behind you... and unless there is a sexual transmitted disease (STD), or you cannot have children or the future husband requires a virgin there is no need to share your previous experiences in any great detail.
IF and when you do find a future husband what are the chances of him knowing and bumping into any of those previous boys?
Whatever your guilt or shame is; there is no need for you to keep punishing yourself. You must forgive yourself and accept what is done is done, because you were young, curious, naive and gullible (19-20 years old). Now you are more the wiser for it (22-25 years old) and do not wish to continue having these brief intimate relationships.
Take Care – CAA
...............................
A
male
reader, PuffinMuffin  +, writes (30 August 2016):
Nearly everyone regrets something they did in the past. Just don't let your future be defined by it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Auntie Goddess +, writes (29 August 2016):
 Your past is in the past. It can not be undone no matter how ashamed you are. We all have something (or a lot of somethings) we regret and skeletons in our closets. Your future husband should love you for the person he met, the person he fell in love with and I can tell you are no longer that person you were at 19. None of us are! Be sure to get tested for STI's, keep the results so you can show him if needed. I'd be honest about it if were to come up in conversation.. No need to give a number. Just say you were promiscuous. (Its a small world, people talk and you don't want to be caught in a lie) Quote the song if you must. Be thankful you were safe, express you feel ashamed and I'm sure he as a story just as shameful for him! If he thinks any less of you for something you obviously feel horrible about, then he's not the one for you! Unless you like judgemental people, remember a marriage is supposed to last forever. I'd want to know everything about my partner and vice versa! :)
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 August 2016):
 Sweetie there is no point in worrying about your past. Only you know who you have been intimate with. You don't need to tell your future husband if you are uncomfortable with it. You need to let it go and look forward to your future now.
...............................
|
