A
female
age
26-29,
*ECRET IDENTITY
writes:ok so heres the deal...me and my bf have been dating for almost a year now...we stated having sex 5 months after we began dating...but we NEVER used condom...we are 2 highschool students and he is to graduate this year...i have suffered a miscarrage already only because im too active...i want to kno am i wrong to have unprotected sex with him for this long? and am i so wrong for getting pregnant?
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female
reader, Rose22  +, writes (2 May 2013):
 hmm well the answer to this is that you should always use a condom for one, and just please think about all the other things in your life you might want to get done before a child comes and makes it more complicated. Think about your own health and the health of your potential baby... you want to bring it up in a loving healthy place and relationship dont you? i think just wait i while before having a baby and PLEASE use protection or the pill, its not only pregnancy you need to think about...
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (15 February 2013):
I hope you are reading all these answers. people, strangers, have taken a lot of time out to answer and work out things for you
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 If you put your future child above yourself you'd see that having a child at your age is being nothing but selfish. The child will be so much better off if you wait until you can afford to give it a good upbringing. Children need more than love and air to live on. They need stability, and teenage relationships don't have a high record for lasting.. thats one. Second, your body isn't ready for a child, and my guess is that is why you had a miscarriage. Miscarriages are quite common, especially when your body isn't ready to be pregnant.
Everyone who reads my answers know this, but I will say it again to give you a bit of information about where I'm coming from. When I was 15 I decided to move out of home, found a place right after I turned 16. From then on I was fully on my own financially, got nothing paid for by either parent. My father is an artist, he makes no money. Nor did he have a place to live as he couldn't afford one. Mom and dad split up when I was 3, so from then on it was every other weekend here and there, and when it was dads weekend we were at my grandma or aunt. Mom was a single provide for two children, meaning we never traveled anywhere. Got our first car when I was maybe 8 or 10, buses only until then. No luxuries. Hand me down toys for most part, poor little brother of mine had to wear girl clothes and his first bike was pink.
What I'm trying to tell you is this. My mom already had an education and a full time job. But things were still tough, and traveling between parents on weekends is no joy. We were among the poorest in the neighborhood. We never bought the fancy things, always home cooked food, always birthdays at home, never anything expensive like inviting the entire class to an activity.
And because of this, I never want my own children to have the same childhood, I want them to be able to have the things other kids have. Not spoil them, but at least be up to date with proper clothes and not just second hand stuff. Kids at school make fun of you if you don't show up in proper clothes. Its also hard after each summer to hear where everyone else have been, while you were at home all summer.
Tell me, did you ever travel, anywhere, when you were a child? No? Yes? Wouldn't you want to be able to travel on vacation with your kids? Wouldn't you want to be able to save for their education so they have a future? Wouldn't you want to give them nice birthday gifts, instead of just knitting them a scarf each year? You're heading down to poverty if you have a child this young, unless you suddenly win the lottery or inherit. Or unless you've got parents willing to pay the costs.
And your boyfriend.. don't count on him always being there paying his share. My mom thought my dad would be around too you know. He wasn't. He had a job when they met, but hasn't been able to hold down a job since because of his mental disorder (which hasn't been diagnosed until recently). That meant lowest of lowest income for my family, that meant going on welfare and getting help from the government. And they don't give you much.
So, can you handle a child on your own? Can you take care of it on your own? Because your boyfriend is not guaranteed to stay with you forever. You aren't even married, he's made no sort of promise or commitment to you. And even if you were to get married, he could still end up divorcing you. You have to be able to carry on ALONE if such a thing happens. If you rely solely on him, especially at your age with no real proper income and no education... well then hello poverty and social welfare.
Is that really something worth risking? Is that really something your future child deserves? This is why I don't have children yet, at 27, and believe me I could have had children if I wanted them so badly. They're not difficult to make. The difficulty is giving them a good upbringing, and none of the men I've been with up until now have been stable enough, good enough, for my future children. They've been too young, too naive, too immature. I've lived with boyfriends too you know. Living together for a little while is no proof things are going to end up great. We split parts. I've been engaged too, that wasn't a guarantee that he was a good man, or someone able to give me and my future children what we need.
When choosing the father of your future children you need to be VERY careful. It is the most important decision you make for your children. You can always leave him if he is mean to you, your children can never have another father. They will always be attached to him, in ways you aren't. So think carefully about it. If you love your future children you will want what is best for THEM, and not just think about what you want for yourself.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 February 2013):
 being pregnant while you are still maturing (and your body is not done growing at 16/17) is not healthy for you or for the baby.
That alone is enough of a reason to not get pregnant
then there are the issues of:
how much does a baby cost? Here's a way to figure it out:
http://www.babycenter.com/baby-cost-calculator
I ran these numbers for you:
Cheap daycare (316 per month) for ten months
Disposable diapers (72 per month)
Wipes (20 per month)
I’ll assume you are breastfeeding 100% for the first four months and then adding solids so I figure 57 dollars per month for 8 months
(formula would cost even more)
Figure that you will not buy any baby clothes that your families will supply you with these things…
No college savings for the little one
No medicine and first aid (assuming you will have welfare)
No baby shampoo, no baby lotion no baby nail clippers, no baby toiletries…
No toys no books no media….
Your yearly cost so far is nearly 5,000 dollars. Do you have that?
Now let’s add one time costs;
One car seat (will need if the child EVER rides in a car, in fact you can’t go home from the hospital without one) 100
NO stroller
No play yard
No backpack
No baby carrier at all…
No diaper bag (use a grocery bag to hold the diapers and change of clothes… you have no bottles as you are breastfeeding and no toys as you didn’t buy any)
NO swing
No bouncer
No play mat
Crib is mandatory but at first the baby can sleep in a drawer (you line it and take it out of the dresser)
You can change the baby on the kitchen counter and bathe the baby in the kitchen sink
No bassinet
No hamper
No diaper pail
Basic bedding and blankets 64
No mobile
No baby dresser
No lamp
No decorations
Crib mattress is extra that’s another 100 bucks on top of the crib
No baby monitor…
You will be breast feeding so you won’t need bottles and nipples
Eventually you will need a high chair
You can get away without a breast pump by using hand expression.
Nursing bras are not cheap you will need three… on on you, one in the drawer and one drying on the rack… at 75 dollars a bra….
Removing all the extras your one time costs are minimal at around 100 dollars…
so I ask
how much to you take home
how much does he take home
how much is rent?
how much are groceries?
how much are utilities
how much is transportation
have you ever cared for a baby 24/7 for more than one or two days?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 February 2013):
 "we thought seeung as he is a senior then the baby will be born during the summer"...huh? How would you have a baby by this summer?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 February 2013):
 I don't think it's WRONG per say, but I DO think it's STUPID to try and get pregnant at 16.
I have two nieces who got knocked up and never finished high-school - one married the father - he beat her senseless and they divorced. The other is a strictly single mom. NEITHER of them take very good care of their kids. (IMHO) they are now (early 20's) try to cram all that fun stuff teenagers/early 20's do, like getting a good education, partying, travelling and they CAN'T. They can't get a well paid job because they didn't finish high school, they can't party like they want because they are parents. They can't buy nice things for themselves, because they have a kid. They certainly can't travel either.
Having kids is a 24/7 job. Yes, they can be in day-care (except when they are sick) They are expensive. THEY are a HUGE responsibility.
I didn't have kids til my late 20's /early 30's and I am GLAD I waited. I have traveled the world, had a career (actually in a couple of fields) I have a bachelors as well. Also, and this might sound old fashioned) I'm married. Have been for 15 years. There is MUCH stability in our home, emotionally, socially and financially.
WHAT is the hurry? Seriously?
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female
reader, levelonetwo  +, writes (4 February 2013):
Can I just say.. kid's are not accessories and for goodness sake, you are only 16 - in my eyes a child yourself. Enjoy your life and if you still feel the same in a couple of years time, then go ahead and have a child.
There are too many children being brought in to the world without any consideration from the parents to being financially stable, having an established and loving home with two fit for purpose parents!
As a mother of two, I am astounded by the number of young people who simply have children without any thought about whether they can afford to have kids, wake up and nurture them at various times during the day and night and have the life skills and experience to bring up a child!
Use protection until you really know the guy and you are in an established relationship. You could pick up an STD or Genital warts anything .... just be careful.
I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage and your body will need time to recover properly.
Being a parent can be quite tough and at 16 do you really have the resilience to cope with a young person 24/7? Get out, enjoy your life whilst you are still young. You'll be wondering what you missed out on in 10 years time if you don't have clearer goals and dreams when you are young.
I don't mean this to be nasty.. just think about what you can achieve in the next few years and have some real goals! Once you have your own home and more stability and life experience, children will be a very welcome distraction!
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (4 February 2013):
Hmm I think you are rather young to have a child and I mean you aren't even married yet. When it comes to children you have to understand that a lot of things will change. You should also consider some "worst case scenarios" such as what will you do if you lost your job, appartment, bf leaves you etc. These are problems a lot of couple face when they are not prepared you make sure and do your homework before it happens :) . All the best!
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female
reader, Auntie5 +, writes (4 February 2013):
Thanks for the extra information, it does help to know that you're already supporting yourself. However ... dealing with an infant can be really hard. Rewarding, yes, but difficult at times. And having children limits what you can do, or makes those things much harder. I'm talking about travel, finishing high school, going to college, just having fun. Even working can be difficult, when you've both been up half the night with a colicky or sick baby, depending on how flexible your supervisor and daycare are. I'd encourage you to wait a few years to start a family. You should spend your teen years preparing the foundation for the rest of your life -- schooling and so on-- and doing the fun things that you won't be able to do as easily once you have little ones to think about.
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female
reader, deirdre +, writes (4 February 2013):
from your question and reply to previous answers, it seems you came on here looking for reassurance, not an honest opinion. yes it IS wrong, yes it IS irresponsible and no you are NOT going to be together the rest of your lives. so get on the pill or implant because you WILL ruin your life!! and yeh I do sound judgemental but you need someone to tell you, I dont know your family situation that caused your parents to allow you to be emancipated at this age but you need to live your life as a teenager, which is what you are. what you need mroe than anything is a responsible adult guiding you, but I can see that is not your fault that you dont have this. good luck tho (in not getting pregnant)
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male
reader, Starmonster888 +, writes (4 February 2013):
 Hey,partying isn't for idiots! You take that back! Seriously, i'm legitimately hurt. I love partying:( But this isn't about me.You couldn't be more right in saying that you don't have to take our advice, and if we took your age out of the picture and just considered the facts of the matter, that is to say that you are both employed, want a baby and have planned for it, most of the people here probably wouldn't stop you doing what you want. But the age thing makes more difference than you can possibly imagine. Like, bucket loads. Everyone here knows it and they're touchy because they've seen it a hundred times over and once a kid is born, it's smack in the middle of the inevitable.But you're not a statistic. You're an individual. One in six billion and I think we sometimes forget to look at it that way. You're one girl who wants a baby, not another girl who wants a baby if that makes any sense. It doesn't change the odds, but it does make the odds your own. Here's me asking you not to gamble that you're different and backing off.
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female
reader, SECRET IDENTITY +, writes (4 February 2013):
SECRET IDENTITY is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyuur answers are somrwhat helpful...but i am emancipated...meaning i have my own place...yes i have a job...and yes so doese he...we live together already...we thought seeung as he is a senior then the baby will be born during the summer and he can take care of it after he gets off work...daycare!! alot of parents are doing it...plus we dnt party...partying is a waste of time...only stupid idiots party...so calling me immature and everything under the sun is yuur opinion but it isnt nessecary...but i appriciate yuur honesty but this is an advice column doesnt mean i have to do what yu ask...i just wanted to see what id be faces so i could cover my bases
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (3 February 2013):
Yes you are quite wrong, and quite ridiculous. Do you have work? Any means of paying for your child? Any idea at all about being a parent? Are you confident this guy you’ve not even known a year’s going to stick around for the sleepless nights, the nappy (diaper) changes, the inevitable sacrifices of the social life?
Are you actually trying to get pregnant, or just happy not to use protection and indifferent as to whether you get pregnant? Your attitude suggests you’ve got a heck of a lot of growing up to do before you’re remotely ready for a baby. Here’s a radical suggestion, stop having sex! I don’t even think it’s legal at your age in the USA.
I wish you all the very best.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 February 2013):
 Who is paying for this child, to feed it, clothe it, raise it, educate, take care of medical needs, and such??
You should not be making decisions that others have to foot the bill for. Not only that, but at 16, you are not mature enough to give your child what they need. You're making decisions that impact your parents' time and money without so much as asking permission.
You are a minor. You are not an adult. Your boyfriend is definitely not an adult, and very likely to leave you abandoned and in poverty rather than ruin his life.
The fact that you have to ask questions like this show everyone that you are not mature enough to handle motherhood, much less be financially able to care for the child. Not only that, but having a baby now exempts you from many of the crucial choices in building your life. You are too selfish to handle caring for a baby who is by necessity selfish.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (3 February 2013):
 Sorry, but YES you are wrong and very foolish to be trying to get pregnant at such a young age.
How on earth do you think you could support a baby for the next twenty years (at least) when you haven't even graduated from high school yet, let alone thinking about your prospects for a good job.
Even if you loved your possible baby, I guarantee you WON'T love 3:00a.m. feedings when you have to get up early in the morning to go to work or school and endless nights spent awake because your child is crying with colic.
Not to mention being able to hang out at the mall or wherever, or go to parties with your gal friends.......nor can you even think about going on vacation without considering: am I gonna take my child with me? Leave him/her with the parents to look after? Find a child minder - who would expect to be paid, by the way.
Then there's the pediatrician's visits and fees; buying clothing and toys for the little one, and when he/she starts kindergarten, school supplies.......believe me, it's endless!
Last but not least, do you expect your boyfriend to be your partner or husband for the next twenty years or more and to take an equal hand in supporting you and helping raise his child?
Even if he is willing to commit to that now, it could be another story when reality hits and he finds he's in way over his head. But if he's working, he'd still be legally obligated to pay child support to you.
OR: Do you expect your parents to raise any baby while you do your own thing?
I ask you. why on earth SHOULD they?
They've spent years bringing you up; their responsibilities are done.
Incidentally, HAVE YOU told them about your plans? If not, you should.
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male
reader, Starmonster888 +, writes (3 February 2013):
In a word, yes.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 February 2013):
Yes.
If you want to have children you need to be an adult. If you are an adult you will be living on your own, making your own money, and getting by on your own. Unless you are an adult you can not have children. Children can not have children. That's pretty basic logic.
Now start using your brains, this isn't a question about ethics or morality. This is a question first and foremost about intelligence. If you are intelligent, you will know that babies cost money. If you are intelligent you will also know whether or not you have the money it takes to provide for a baby, and you will also know what the consequences would be should you prove to be unfit to be a mother: the child gets taken away.
So, take a good look at your life and then tell me, are you an adult and do you have what it takes to provide for a child?
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female
reader, chinana  +, writes (3 February 2013):
 Dear OP, why arent you and your boyfriend using protection? Sleeping with your boyfriend is not a crime, not using protection that's wrong especially at your age and from your post it seems like you already know this. You and your boyfriend are still in school if you get pregnant again and have a baby can you afford it? Will you quit school and get a job? A baby needs diapers, clothes, food and a lot of sleepless nights are you ready for that? No more hanging out with friends and if you think getting pregnant will get you and your boyfriend closer you will be surprised on how quick he can bail out on you once the baby is around. Which means your parents or guardians who are still looking after you will have another mouth to feed and more bills to pay. Will you be able to graduate from school with a baby in tow. Its all fun and games now but trust me when you become a teenage mum you can kiss all the good times goodbye. There are numerous responsilities that will come with your irresponsible behaviour. Dont squander your youth by getting pregnant now, use condoms and prevent it.Besides getting pregnant you risk catching sexually transmitted diseases. Some diseases can ruin your chances of having babies in the future. You should consider visiting a local community reproductive clinic or Non governmental organisations, in your area and find out more from there. Ask your boyfriend to come along, if he cares about your reproductive health he will escort yout. Goodluck.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (3 February 2013):
 Yes, its not fair to you, your boyfriend, your parents or the child that may come of your unprotected sex. You are basically asking to have a life of poverty, frustration and not being able to get educated. There are some girls that have a child at this age and do manage, but they are few and far between. The odds are stacked against you. Please think of yourself and your future. I got pregnant at 19, got married and 2 years later was divorced with a baby. I had 3 years on you and still I wasn't mature enough to have a child! I made it, got an education, raised a beautiful daughter and eventually found a nice man and got married again..but sweetie..don't do this to yourself! If you are going to have sex....USE PROTECTION and use it EVERY SINGLE TIME. Someday you'll thank the aunts and uncles on here that tell you this.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (3 February 2013):
 You need to use condoms. You're going to ruin your life AND his if you don't. You're way too young to get pregnant. You won't be able to provide any kind of a good life for a baby because neither of you has a decent job. Condoms are cheap and easy, you need to be using them each time you have sex. It would be very selfish to your child to be trying to get pregnant at your age.
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