A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Right some questions, masturbation when in a relationship - isn't the whole point of masturbating because you can choose who you want to look at as in porn/think about and not many people think of their own girlfriend because there is no point? My boyfriend said he resented me for going mad about it. He said I think I deserve a w***, how about a bit of me time? Is he saying he deserved to get himself off to something that wasn't me and something of his choice? He also wanted me to compromise. So he wants me to allow him to look at other people? How is that even something you can attempt to ask a girlfriend?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): This subject has been discussed tonnes and tonnes.
He also said I pick that over you when you aren't here (porn.) Why is he not thinking of me sometimes, when I stopped him from looking at porn he said so I can still do it as long as I'm only thinking of you and he seemed relieved. He was like okay I'll do it in the shower. Why couldn't he of thought of me before I had to tell him if he could in the shower? I feel like he doesn't find me attractive enough. He picked porn over thoughts of me and I also believe he was trying to get out of having pictures of me surely that isn't right?
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 The whole point behind masturbation is to have an orgasm… how you get there is not the point… but it’s a “sticking point” for many insecure individuals.
You are not mad about porn right? Because yeah that can be a different issue. Porn is an issue and many folks do use porn to jerk off, or have a wank or as my hubby says “rub one out” … so many terms for such a simple natural act. Even babies masturbate… they have no clue what they are doing only that it feels good and their arms reach… cool huh?
ME time is a great way to put it and I think your boyfriend is right.. he does deserve his ME time just like you do.
When you say he wants you to allow him to look at other people… what do you mean? Do you mean other women when you are out… if he glances, that’s no big deal… if he’s RUDE about it, that’s different. Or do you mean PORN… because again they are two different things. For women that do not like or accept porn, they need to find a guy that is willing to not look at porn for them…they are out there…. If you have a partner that looks at porn and you don’t like it, that is a fundamental difference that can’t be fixed. Find a new partner.
If all he does is admire a pretty girl on the street and he’s subtle about it, I see no problem with that at all….. often the statement we use is “I do not care where my husband gets his appetite as long as he eats at home”
My husband looks at others. My husband looks at porn. Guess what… he also gets into bed EVERY NIGHT WITH ME… he cuddles ME. He kisses ME. he loves ME. he wants to sleep next to me… not Sunny Leone or Angelina Valentine…. Or that cute Asian thing he saw at the mall….
He does not ask for my permission to look. He does not need to. IF we are out and he’s being rude about it (the exorcist neck thingy I call it) I will call him on it…’honey don’t break your neck” and he’ll stop….
He does not ask my permission to masturbate although to be honest I’m the one who masturbates way more in the marriage than he does… it does not mean I don’t love him and want him….
The fact that we masturbate or look at others is not negatively impacting on our home life in any way shape or form… it works for us.
How is his masturbating negatively impacting on you directly?
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 “… isn't the whole point of masturbating because you can choose who you want to look at as in porn/think about and not many people think of their own girlfriend because there is no point?”
Well, everyone’s different, but I wouldn’t necessarily agree with your premise. If he’s a considerate lover, he’ll take the time and make the effort to make sure you enjoy yourself during sex. Sometimes he’ll just want a bit of instant, effortless gratification without having to worry if it was good for you too. And don’t rule out the idea that he’s thinking about you while he’s doing it – I often think of experiences I’ve had with my partner.
Masturbation for a lot of people is something that’s very personal and private, something they wouldn’t discuss with anyone. He’s been open with you that he does it and intends to continue. Do you think your reaction has encouraged him to continue being open with you? About this, and perhaps other things?
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male
reader, Silius Sodimus  +, writes (4 February 2013):
I like Janiepegs answer. Firstly when is he masturbating, is it when he's at home? When he's with you and your asleep, when he's with you and your happy to have sex but he just want's to masturbate. The thing to remember as well is that it's not necessarily wanting to see a particular porn star and having a sexual attraction to them, it can also be just the act of seeing two people having sex that gets him turned on. I.e it's the sex act not the girl that stimulates him. Also there are naked people in movies, at the beach e.t.c should he be blindfolded so he doesn't look at them? Also everyone has fantasies, e.g your bf might be into anal and your not, he still loves you but likes to imagine those fantasies (not necessarily with a different person) and yet at the same time loves you and is happy with his sex life because there is more to you than just sex.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (4 February 2013):
Dear OP,If I understand you correctly, this post is not about him watching porn, but about masturbation and sexual fantasies.I would never let anybody tell me to stop masturbating, no matter if I'm in a relationship or not. The point, for me, is not to imagine sex with other people but to do something good for myself and enjoy my body. Masturbating calms me down and makes me a little happier. Besides, my body belongs to me, no matter who I'm with. I have to take care of it, feed it, clean it, dress it and listen to its signals. I should be allowed to do that in my own way and to touch me wherever I want, as long as it's not publicly or otherwise disturbing. In my opinion, each one has a right to have fantasies, no matter what they include, and to do with his/her body whatever he/she wants. Also, imagination is something deeply personal and shouldn't be externally controlled by other people. In fact, you can't control fantasies, they pop up, no matter if you're physically and otherwise monogamous and faithful. Whether or not porn is okay should be discussed in a relationship, I agree. But there are limits of what you can ask from a person and to stop masturbating or thinking about someone else once in a while is pushing it too far for me. It's like wanting to control someone's body and mind.
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male
reader, Starmonster888 +, writes (4 February 2013):
 This is always a complicated one. Jannie says she wouldn't have a problem refraining from porn if her partner preferred she didn't, whereas i'm not sure I would. Now, I wouldn't consider myself a very unreasonable person generally, so I would like to believe that other reasonable people could share the same reluctance. With me, I watch porn passively and it doesn't interfere with my daily, so it would jar me if my daily interfered with my option to watch porn if I so choose. Of course we can have a great dialectical about how porn makes different partners feel about themselves/ the relationship/ whatever, but I just really strip down to my personal bare minimums; Sometimes I want to masturbate and watching porn just makes that more fun. Because that's what it is at the end of the day for me, fun. I don't want to just achieve an orgasm, I wan't to have fun doing it and sometimes that isn't with my partner. Sometimes I feel rather asexual/voyeuristic and I want to watch a porn flick. One could quite rightly ask "Why do you want to watch other people have sex when I'm right here" to which one could reply "Same reason we watched 'Love Actually' when we could have been making our own romance".Now, i'm not by any means saying you're wrong if you're not like me, I'm just trying to highlight the fact that you're not like me. People are different and therein lies the dilemma; you guys need to adapt around one another and I think you have already gotten of the wrong foot. Find a middle ground somehow. You feel strongly, he feels strongly. You'll find advocates of both sides of the argument but neither side is right because this isn't a one size fits all deal.You guys need to find what works for you.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (4 February 2013):
 For some people it's easier to look at porn in order to masturbate, me included. Some people prefer romance novels. However if my partner prefers me not to look at porn I have no problems stopping it. If I used my own imagination to masturbate it will take very long, I would not get as wet and the quality of the orgasm will not be as great. At the same time I know that the overall quality of the relationship is more important than minute long orgasms. Masturbation and real sex have an obvious difference in that in real life you have intimacy, all your senses are stimulated in foreplay, it brings you closer to the person. In masturbation the sole purpose is a quick release.
His reaction and his resentment were towards you telling him what to do what not to do. Maybe he has never had a problem like that in previous relationships therefore thinking you are controlling. He does not think he needs your permission to look at porn. He is basically telling you if you can't compromise on that you need a boyfriend who does not look at porn, or who looked at porn but could stop for you. He is not going to stop it just because you think looking at other women is wrong, which is something you are disagreeing on.
You have your own opinions and no one can make you feel right or wrong about your feelings. If a man cares more about a formed habit than your feelings maybe he is not the one for you.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (4 February 2013):
 I have many links about porn on my profile and I think they would help you, take a look through them for more advice.
Most people do masturbate when in relationships though, but porn and masturbation are two different issues.
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