A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I were at school together in Norway when we were seven. Years later due to the wonders of facebook, we got in contact again. We found out we both loved hill walking, etc…so a couple of summers later we went on a walking holiday in Norway for a week with a couple of other friends. I fell for him on this trip. I found out later that he had fallen for me too.When we returned to university I found out he was being set up by one of his friends. I thought I’d try my luck and texted him to tell him that I like him. He replied saying that he was already seeing this girl and nothing could happen between us. I found out later that he was disappointed because he liked me too. I started seeing someone else.After two years we were both just out of those relationships and finished university. He was given a job working in Malaysia to start in July. At this point we’d been hanging out a lot and just having a great time as friends. Then he got a call to say that he was being sent to Norway instead in September. He obviously decided that the distance from Scotland to Norway was manageable and started our relationship. We had a very happy year of doing long distance. We got to see each other almost once a month and talked on skype twice a week and emailed or texted a little everyday.Unfortunately my depression started creeping up on me. I think he was worried that I wasn’t the girl he fell in love with. My motivation was being sapped from me. I didn’t think much of this (although I should have) because as far as my history with depression had been, this was not a bad phase at all. I barely noticed…but then I started overreacting when he did something small wrong. I’d get really upset and cry…he’d feel awful…then I would a little later and apologise and try and explain that it wasn’t his fault at all. I should say that this would happen most times I’d visit him…but it would last for half an hour and the rest of the time we spent together would be amazing. This went on for about 6 months…Last Sunday he broke up with me. He said that the distance was getting too much for him and that he didn’t feel like he could be there for me because he was so far away. He also said that my depressive outbursts (I guess you could call them) were destroying him…if he’d said that he was being so deeply affected by them then I would have done something more drastic to try and sort myself out. But he said that he had to be selfish. He said that it’d be different if he was living in Scotland and could be there for me all the time and that even a week seems too long to be apart. Let alone the 3-4 months in total we'd spend together over the next 1 1/2years - he said he didn't see the point if we were going to see each other that little. He will be moving back to Scotland in 1 1/2 years and he said that he wants to see how things go with us from there because we get along so well. And that we should meet up when he’s back in Aberdeen. He says he still loves me, but surely he wouldn’t have broken up with me if he did would he? I was supposed to be visiting him in Norway last Thursday but he said it would be best if I didn’t because he might change his mind. We almost broke up at the beginning of January for the same reasons, but I thought we’d managed to fix it, but he said it was just fixing the cracks. He’s gone away to the US on a two month training course, so he’s going to have a huge amount to distract him from any thoughts of me. I’m worried he might forget about me in this time or move on. I should be seeing him when he’s back in Scotland in April…I just want him to change his mind…because of our history, it feels like we’re meant to be together. It really felt like we were meant to be together.Sometimes I feel like giving him an ultimatum in April saying that we either get back together then or I’m done. He can move back to Scotland or we’ll do the distance thing again. We’ve not talked at all since we said goodbye last Sunday and I’m not expecting to hear from him until he’s back in the UK although I want to…I'm leaving it up to him to talk to me...sometimes I feel like I should just get on with my own life, like he said, and just see what happens when he moves back, but this almost means waiting around for him…and sometimes I just wonder if he loved me at all those last few months…I know depression is hard for someone on the receiving end to deal with…He seems happy with the fact that I may or may not be there when he does eventually move back...My plan for the next couple of months (basically for April) is to get back into running and eating healthily again…I want to be the girl he fell in love with because that’s the real me. I have this fantasy that he’ll change his mind in April, but I don’t think that will happen. He’s too sensible…I’m sorry this was so long. But any advice would be amazing…I just feel so lost…
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2013): It sounds as if you haven't been managing your depression by seeing a doctor, trying medication and so on to relieve it.
Long distance relationships are difficult, and so are relationships with people who are depressed but not getting proper care for it. The non-depressed partner often ends up feeling burdened by the other's mental health issues. Your boyfriend has been dealing with both situations and it seems that he's overwhelmed by it all. And yes, it's very possible that he still loves you but the feeling of being overwhelmed outweighs his love for you.
Get back to being "the girl you used to be" for yourself. Don't expect that he will magically return to your side because of it. Take care of yourself and you'll find all kinds of opportunities opening up.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (4 February 2013):
 Hi
Yes, do get on with your own life,get back into running and eating healthy for YOU and your well-being. I don't what you were like when you were 'the girl he fell in love with' but something made you change,maybe it was the relationship?
The distance thing hasn't worked for him,its made you unhappy too, so he's been kind and honest and made the break.Don't wait for him,by April you will be over the worst of the split will probably understand why he ended it.It has run it's natural course.
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female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (4 February 2013):
 I think his mentioning the prospect of reconnecting in 2 years is his way of softening the blow. it should not be considered a reason for sticking around, waiting for him, or giving him an ultimatum, because threatening him with 'it's over' is no different than it is right now, so it's no leverage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy depression has nothing to do with the relationship. It's something I've always struggled with. He's always been just as loving as he always was. It was only in the last month (when he was obviously thinking about a lot) that he started acting differently...
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 February 2013):
 Love on his part has always been like, it's manageable, we can try things, you love me, so . . .. On your part you have so much hope and you are yearning for acceptance. Your depression in your relationship is sign that it's not working. You are sad that he's not loving you back the way you love him. If you get healthier again you should do it for yourself not because you want him to get back to you. If a guy is not into the relationship, he will think of a new bunch of excuses of why he can't be there. You are hoping that your depression is the issue because this is something you can change and control, but you can't make a person love you. Really the title of your post should be you are depressed because of your boyfriend's being overseas a lot and his non commitment to the relationship. It's not good to wait and fight for a relationship that is frustrating to you anyway. You will be much happier with a guy who is local and is sure about what he wants. I actually think your boyfriend would be kinder to just break up once and for all instead of giving you false hopes.
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female
reader, ALZI +, writes (3 February 2013):
First of all, I think you are pretty brave to see the facts as they actually are. You two are young, living far apart, and have so many options waiting for you. IF the two of you are meant to be it will happen. Let him make it happen. He's the guy. If they are not, it won't. You have to be okay enough with yourself that you can handle it either way. You sound like you are. I wish you the very very best. You deserve it!
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