A
female
age
41-50,
*uzie27
writes:My husband comes from a family where the men are always in charge. He was very nice to me when we were dating and after we got married he changed like he thinks he is my master. I feel like a slave sometimes and if I don't do what I am supposed to he yells and curses at me and he even spanks me. He doesnt usually hit me too bad but I am thinking that if we have a baby maybe he would be nicer with a child in the house. What do you people think I should do. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): When i got with my boyfriend he did just the same, i got pregnant and the abuse got worse!! he claims he never hit me, but he used to pinch me pull out my hair, push me into walls and threaten to smash my head into walls,,, after the baby was born i thought that things would get better, i was so so so wrong only 2 weeks after the baby was born he hit me with a belt buckle and split my head open i was feeding the baby at the time!! 2 weeks after that he kicked me so hard between the legs i thought i was goin to die!!! please dont go through what i had to, with the support and advice of the lovely people on this site i got out of the relationship, luckily i am now away from this man and i am very happy, my son is here and i wouldnt change him for the world but it would of been so much easier to leave if i didnt have the baby!! please leave this man it will never get better only worse and the longer he gets away with it the easier it is for him to do it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): run- i dont believe children makes relationships any better . for many people it draws them apart because women tend to give the child the attention that needed while the guy does his own. do not have a baby to please the man. it never works. they will seek happiness and quietness somewhere else. dont do it
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reader, BigSis  +, writes (16 March 2008):
 Suzie my love, don't put up with it, he is abusing you and it will get worse. My ex-husband had a foul temper and his fists were his way of trying to show me who was in control and who was boss. Then in a flash he was the sweetest guy you could possibly meet. He could flick a switch and be a totally different person. My family and friends adored him, but they didn't know the real him like I did. I was too afraid to go to them for help, as my family were very proud, and a divorce would have been classed as a scandle amongst our community. I put up with this abuse and after 3 years of marriage I gave birth to beautiful twins. I thought then that everything was going to change. I thought wrong.His temper worsened and eventually people started to see him for what he really was, a coward and a manipulative bastard.One day he lost his temper over something so trivial - (which part of the lounge to put the Christmas tree in), that the argument turned into a full blown fight, after trying to throttle me and then knocked me out - literally, in front of the children, they were 3 yrs old at the time. After two more years of constant mood swings, personality changes and beatings, I finally divorced him.I didn't learn my lesson though, because soon after, i met an older guy (by 20 yrs) at first treated me like a queen and spoilt me rotten. Have you heard the saying ''Out of the frying pan and into the fire''? Well, I did it. He was worse, i was treated even worse by him. He even 'made' me have two miscarriages. Thankfully I never married him!Darling, please take our advice, and do something about him hitting you, and definitely do not have children with this man. Now that's off my chest, I will let you decide what you think is the right thing to do. Please take care of yourself. xxI'm sorry about the rant guys, but a quick note to all the Aunts and Uncles here: I'm sure you all agree with me when I say I think people should be made aware of what goes on behind closed doors, as far as abuse is concerned...and it should not be allowed to continue. It's a subject very close to my heart, and if I can help other women who are going through what I went through, then I will gladly be of service. BigSis.
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reader, Mariawong  +, writes (15 March 2008):
Please don't use your child to hope that this man will change. It won't work i think. May be you should communicate with him let him know that you don't like the way he hit and yeal at you, and ask him to change and let him know that you are being hurt by him. Hope that he will change. may god bless and help you through this hard time
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): Leave him now, if you have children with this man he will hit them too.
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reader, Gena Bullock  +, writes (14 March 2008):
 I think you need to have your head examined if you think it's okay for a man to hit you, no matter how or where! It is inappropriate and uncalled for. He's a control freak and having a baby is the LAST THING you should do. Talk about misery loving company? Why would you even consider it?
Please don't let this man get away with abusing you as he's been doing. This is outright abuse and illegal. Get help right away! Love or no love, DO IT TODAY!
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reader, sexi  +, writes (14 March 2008):
 Hi
If he doesnt change now, he wouldnt ever change. Dont go and start a family for all the wrong reasons.Speak to him and see what he thinks. You should try and so for counselling or marriage therapy.Dont involve children in this if you are unhappy. You should never feel like a slave in a relationship. The fact that he doenst hit you hard doesnt mean that it is ok - HE SHOULDNT BE HITTING YOU AT ALL. You really dont want to bring children up in this kind of an enviroment. Sort out the issue you have before starting a family.
Regards,mail me if you wanna talk
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reader, asian tealeaf +, writes (14 March 2008):
 uh, if you think things will quiet after you have a kid, you're in for one nasty surprise. guess who will be stuck looking after a colicky baby, changing diapers etc? all the responsiblities will fall upon you. and, your poor child will have him as a poor example of what a reelationship entails, and if you have a daugfhter, she will never see what a real relationship is like. in our MODERN society.if you're not his equal and partner in life then what are you? his servant?unless you're the submissive type, i'd leave while your child free. less complications now. real grief once you have a child. so i would start looking at your options. and find a real man who will treat you as his teammate and equal in life.its too bad theres men out there like him who mess up good women like you. we don't need men like that they're just a thorn in one's side. don't take his abuse. a man never treats the most precious things he has in life, like chatels. a woman raised him, and he should honor his mother and trerat his wife like his queen, and in return a wife will treat him as her king. it's a two way street. give and take. if you think it's bad now, like i said it will only get worse. raising children is VERY STRESSFUL and the added stress of a domineering husband who'se abusive etc only burdens you, more. i have a 1 yr old daughter and i need to know at the end of the day, my husband has my back. when i'm tired or stressed he holds the homefront together, just like when he is having a hard day, i have his back and his needs as first in line. thank god my husband is very passionate about these things and more. family to him is his first priority,and his friends, to him and everything else are second place. sacrifice dear. one he probably has no idea what is all about. what is his interpretation of love, and partnership, and sharing lifes burdens? sounds like he throws it on you and expects you to do as he says, so when he says jump, just how high do you expect to jump before you bash your head into the ceiling? wake up now and walk away unscathed. stay and get pregnant, and be forwarned of the hardships that are guaranteed to come. good luck
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reader, korculan queen  +, writes (14 March 2008):
Honey he is an ABUSER. You are living with domestic violence. The fact that he CHANGED after you got married indicates to me his mindset. He feels ENTITLED to treat you as a slave as he does not see you as an equal in this relationship. Each time he slaps you he takes away your self dignity, self worth and erodes your confidence. With a child the likelihood that while you are pregnant the violence will get worse is an absolute certainty. Do not make the same mistake I did and have children to your abuser. Get out before it is too late. I am a domestic violence worker and I can tell you now you are living with domestic violence. The forms are physical, emotional, financial, social, spiritual and sexual. From your post you have experienced physical, emotional and I am sure you have had other forms. Google cairns regional dv service and look at the power and control wheel and the cycle of violence. It usually is a one month cycle. Take care.
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reader, Collaroy +, writes (14 March 2008):
 Hi,
there is one thing that you can guarantee. If you have a baby he/she will be treated just as badly as you. Now you might feel you can deal with it, but will a baby who is unable to protect him/herself fair any better?
This man is a monster the sooner you realise this the easier it will be to get away as soon and as far as you can.
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reader, Paladin +, writes (14 March 2008):
 You clearly are in a difficult situation and while it could be a self esteem issue I sense you are mostly concerned about having a failed marriage. Regardless of your reasons for trying to work this marriage out you really need to face the fact that you deserve to right to be respected as an equal and that spousal abuse is simply wrong. The man your with has serious issues and yuo can not be his therapist. Thinking of having a child at this time and with this person in my opinion is a serious mistake and if you go through with it will haunt you for the rest of your life. I doubt this is the life you want for yourself or a child and I see no good reason for him to ever change and with the new pressures of a child it could even get worse. I think your best choice is to work on a plan to leave this person as soon as you are able to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): my mom told me that my ex father was kind to her before they got married then on their honeymoon he assaulted her she stayed with him for another 14 years but anyways basically if u have a baby and its a girl theres a good chance he will treat her like he treats u plus me coming from a home like that i got assaulted a few times myself so really its a good idea to run but be ready for things to get rougher
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 March 2008):
 I think there is no justification for beating you. And I am sure that things won't get better if you have a baby. Babies demand a lot of attention and care, and they mean a lot of stress.
I think you should leave him. I also think that you need to work on your self-esteem. You're just hoping he won't beat you as hard as he is hitting you now. That's so sad.
Being in charge does not mean he is the dictator and he can use violence.
Don't have any babies with him. Just run.
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reader, fishdish +, writes (14 March 2008):
 Let's just say, he didn't change. He didn't get worse, he didn't get better. Do you really want a child to grow up in an environment where one's mother is devalued and treated as though SHE were the child? I don't think he WILL change, at least for the better, because I don't think he understands that his behavior is unacceptable. He seems to think that the home is his dominion and therefore he can treat you as he sees fit, which is unfair to you, obviously, and is generally inhumane. If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, tell him your concerns. If that doesn't work give him an ultimatum: no more spanks or other master-slave like treatment. If that doesn't work, get out. Three strikes he's out, okay? Don't bring a child into this situation as it will likely only build tensions, add complications, and scar the kid, no one deserves to live in this environment, including yourself.
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reader, faith_believe_love  +, writes (14 March 2008):
 I do agree with askeve shes right i know someone just like you in your situation and that was my beautiful mother.My mother always told us that our father used to hurt him physically before he gave birth to my older brother my mum thought that my father would change if she got pregnant but honestly thats not true he gets worse and my mum told me that my father keeps on hurting him!!..even us was not an exception and yes my father used to hit us when we were younger and even when we were teeners b4.Now that we are grown-ups my father changed his way towards us but theres only one thing that never change and thats being so narrow-minded.duh???My mother said that even though she regret marrying my father she was blessed having us.Anyways im not actually giving my opinion here im just sharing my story my mother's story.take care and god bless you!!.
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reader, Shamandalie  +, writes (14 March 2008):
I really don't think a child would change him. Domestic violence is a serious issue. Is anyone in your family aware of this? Is there anyone you can go to for help?
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reader, AskEve +, writes (14 March 2008):
 Do you want my honest opinion here? RUN AS FAST AS YOUR LEGS CAN CARRY YOU! This man is a bully and a control freak. He seems to have some strange fetish where he wants to dominate you and it will only get worse with time. The WORST thing you could do is get pregnant to this man as he'll only end up dominating the child too.
Don't allow him to control you in this way! The spankings may not be too bad just now but they WILL get worse. Just wait until he takes his hand off your face or worse still punches you. He's never going to change, he's grown up with it. If you can't talk to him about it then you need to take action and move out! I really can't see a positive or happy future here for you and I feel he will bring you nothing but sadness and misery.
~Eve~
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