A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I are married 4 years this summer. Everything seems to be great, my problem is something from the past.I just bought my wife a new laptop and digital camera last Christmas. Her old camera she had when we met and was about 5 or 6 years old. This past weekend I decided to copy everything off the SD card on her old camera to my computer, back it up to a DVD, then erase everything off the SD card so she can use it as a backup on the new camera in case she filled up the new card.I copied everything to my computer, then checked the size of the folder, it was just a little too large for 1 DVD, so I decided to delete some old photos, you know how you take 3 pics of the same thing until you get it right, but never go back and delete the 'crappy pics'. Well, I started sorting by size, deleted a few junk pics, then sorted by date to get just a little bit more space for the DVD. I found pics of some guy on there. Some are casual, but a few are not very nice. He is undressing in a few and completely naked in a few. I checked the time/date stamps on the pics, and they ranged over a period of about 1 month, and they are from before we were married, but they were AFTER we were already dating and in a committed relationship, not yet engaged, but talking about marriage. I'm not sure how to handle this, I mean she cheated on me, and I have proof, even if she would swear she did nothing with this guy, taking naked pics of another man is cheating.Do I just delete the pics? But then I think I will always wonder what that was about, who was the guy, was he some random thing? An ex she kept fooling around with? Or worse, some guy she kept seeing even after we got engaged, or married?Do I print out a few of the nasty pics and just leave them on the kitchen table and see what she says?Or, Do I confront her so she won't have time to think up a story to tell me.Bottom line, she cheated on me while we were dating, I need to know who this guy was, and how long this thing lasted. If she cheated on me while we were engaged, or married, I'm divorcing her, her answer, or if she's evasive might spell the end of our marriage.Which approach do I take, and should I be very forceful demanding answers, or more of a 'Honey I found these pics of some guy on your camera' Who is he and how did you know him?Thanks.-R
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2011): I did check the date on the camera, and it is correct. I then spoke with my wife and showed her the pics. She admitted it was an ex-bf, but they were still 'kind of dating' when we started dating. She says it ended very shortly after the pics were taken, definately before we started talking marriage (according to her).
It's still cheating because I thought we were exclusive, but looking back at the dates again, we were only dating about 3 months at the time, and even though I thought we were committed, I guess she was still deciding if she should break it off with him for me.
Thanks everyone.
A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (25 May 2011):
Could it have been a friend's bachelorette party? Girls just having fun - doesn't mean she did anything other than take pictures and giggle about them. If you've ever been to a strip club - then it's the same thing.
I know for myself - in past relationships - if I was doing something questionable I sure as hell did not leave the pictures on my camera or allow my boyfriend free and clear access to my camera or phone.
There could be an innocent explanation. Ask.
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (25 May 2011):
1-) make sure the dates are accurate
2-) if they were accurate be sure to keep to copy for you if the days showed some unwanted surprised
3-)keep an observing eye on yur wifes actions and e-mails accounts,facebook, and so on
but dont let her nottice that you are surveying her
Finally be sure before taking any action
Good Luck
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (25 May 2011):
Don't delete the pictures as they are evidence in case you end up divorcing. Confront her as Dear Mandy said.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): If a person comes onto Dearcupid and says, "I'm thinking of cheating on my fiance" we don't tell them it's okay since they aren't married yet.
The fact that this incident happened before the O.P. was married doesn't do anything to excuse or explain it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): Make sure you have the right dates...how are you going to do that?Digital camera picture dates...not very helpful.Digital pictures, and I'm assuming you know this (but one never knows and it can be confusing), get time and date assigned by the device taking them, as well as the device saving them at the time, and the time is assigned based on the internal device time and date...not the actual time and date.So, real world here. I have pictures of my 40th birthday on my desktop.The date they were created was January 21, 2009.The date they were modified was January 1st, 2002.The date they were accessed last was May 24, 2011.But, when were the pictures taken?They were taken in 2003. On almost none of my digital pictures is the actual date of them being taken correct. Despite, I must add, rigorously resetting the date over and over (we've had three digital cameras and 1 digital camcorder in the last 10 years).
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (24 May 2011):
 i would take the pics with you so you have them as evidence, and tell her exactly what you were doing when you found them, so that she can't try and turn it around on you for snooping in her personal belongings. then as calmly as possible ask her if she can explain it to you. you know her better than any of us do. you'll be able to tell by her initial reaction if she's lying or telling the truth. but i would definitely catch her off guard so she doesn't have time to think of a lie. i hope somehow it wasn't what it appears to be. keep in mind this was before your marriage, and everyone makes mistakes. keep us updated!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (24 May 2011):
i would take the pics with you so you have them as evidence, and tell her exactly what you were doing when you found them, so that she can't try and turn it around on you for snooping in her personal belongings. then as calmly as possible ask her if she can explain it to you. you know her better than any of us do. you'll be able to tell by her initial reaction if she's lying or telling the truth. but i would definitely catch her off guard so she doesn't have time to think of a lie. i hope somehow it wasn't what it appears to be. keep in mind this was before your marriage, and everyone makes mistakes. keep us updated!
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A
female
reader, HoneyEyedLatina +, writes (24 May 2011):
 Dear Mandy couldn't have said it any better.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (24 May 2011):
 Hi
I would print the pictures out, and leave them on the table. Be very calm, and just say I dont want excuses just the truth, Im not angry im very very hurt. then just sit back and watch it unfold. you will know if she is lying to you, and if she is I will tell you what I tell women readers, why would you put up with someone who is that sly, cheating,dishonest. you deserve better than this. And if it turns out a big mistake, then im sure she would understand, as how would she feel if the boot were on the other foot?
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A
male
reader, a-g55 +, writes (24 May 2011):
 If you know what women are like then you will know that a man showing he cares is exactly what she wants. it feeds her ego.... if i was in your situation i would act calm and relaxed and act like you are not bothered. make jokes about it and seem churpy and laughable. by doing this you are able to get down to the issue and make her feel really bad about it..... and be sure to forgive her to.... the reason behind all this is that if you make a big deal out of this then if she is ever feeling like she needs attention and you have a lot on your mind and arnt giving it to her. then she will see cheating or talking to other guys as a way to get attention from you.... its like a child that cries at night and calls for mum.. your told not to go to the child because that will reward him and he will repeat the behavior whilst it gets the same result
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A
male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (24 May 2011):
 This is a dicey one, no doubt about it. All you can do is go and talk to her. Ask her for the truth. Listen to what she has to say, and then make a decision. Don't do anything abrupt or brash.
She may have a good reason for it. It may have been one last kick at freedom to really make sure you were the one, know what i mean?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011): You need to confront her, but not all angry. The dates could be wrong. I'm pretty sure my camera say its 2007 and its clearly not. It could be from before you guys even meet or started dating and she just forgot about them. You really need to talk to her ASAP and don't give her time to think up a story. Show her the pictures and say "I found these on your camera and I'm just wondering what its all about" then let her explain. Best wishes
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (24 May 2011):
 There's no point being nice about it, it's not a nice situation, but don't be agressively forceful, because that will get her back up. Just be as calm and rational as you can be. Spell it out. You found these pics while you were sorting out SD card for her. Obviously it clearly looks like she was having an affair, while you were together, because the dates show this. Tell her you need her to be completly honest if she wants to save your marriage.
I wouldn't giveher time to think of a story, confront her when she gets home with the pictures and dates. Her reaction should tell you how guilty she is feeling. Ask her the questions you want to know. She could lie, but the shock of being confronted should put her guard down so you can gage how honest she is.
Don't just delete the pics. You couldn't live with yourself, always with that in the back of your mind. Better to be honest. There may be some explanation, perhaps. Or it could be that it was a fling that ended before you were married. Which, like you said, you may be able to move on from. But you deserve to know the truth. You've seen evidence that she has been unfaithful and dishonest. How can you trust her again, unless you are honest and she proves she is trustworthy again? This may just be the tip of the iceberg, she may have had, and be having affairs after you married. All you can do is confront her and use your intuition to work out if she is honest.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, gigolojone  +, writes (24 May 2011):
 It's best you talked to her about it before you make any decisions or judgements. What if a friend of hers did borrow the Camera and used it to take those pics?
I remember lending my camera to some girls that i was friends with but they deleted all my pics. Fortunate enough i had a memory recovery software and when i did run it,you can guess what else i recovered. Pics of their private parts. I was shocked but chose not to tell them just to avoid an embarrassing situation.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 May 2011):
 A couple of thoughts here:
1. could the dates be wrong on the camera?
2. could a friend of her's borrowed the camera?
I had photos on a friend's camera done on Saturday the date was 2/11/02 when we moved them to another computer...
I've lent my camera to friends sometimes...
just offering ideas
that being said...
I would ASK her about it.
I would not CONFRONT her. I would not GO IN ALL ANGRY and argumentative....
treat this like a fact finding mission.
ask her
then
LISTEN and HEAR what she says.
THEN after gathering your facts... make your decision and talk to her about it then.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 May 2011):
I basically think you need to talk to her about it. I'd take the photos to her, say you found them, tell her the dates and see what she has to say.
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