Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, BigSis  +, writes (13 April 2008):
 Oh Birdy...I laughed my botton off!!
I have a mental image now of standing on my head and spitting semen out of my mouth in to the air and trying to catch it in my baby making hole with my feet pointing in the direction of two different towns.
Ahhhhh...you've made my evening.
: D
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (11 April 2008):
 Actually, if manners are involved, the largest transgression IN manners is to point out the flaws in someone else's manners, which is actually a "catch-22", because merely by explaining this to you, I am being rude, you see?
The original poster never actually replied, and we get a lot of questions that are asked in jest. Let's all assume that this was one of those posters by the total lack of response, AND if you read the first few posts, the question was answered BUT:
For those of you coming late to the party -
NO, you ABSOLUTELY CANNOT become pregnant by swallowing cum.
Unless you hold it in your mouth, stand on your head, SPIT directly upwards and catch it in your hoo hoo (nod to Jessica Simpson).
There, Art thou not happy? (Romeo and Juliet) - Shakespeare.
Join all of us nutcases who have a bad case of spring fever! Just blowing off steam, Hun! ONE OF US! ONE of us! one of us one of us one of us one of us one of us...
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A
female
reader, daniellexxxx +, writes (11 April 2008):
 This girl has aked for advice and your all just talking to eachother how RUDE
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): BIRDY
Pants on head WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!I love it probably cause I did it yea 1 part voddy 1 part voddy n so on it happens hunny the pants always end up on ya nut!!!! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008): Right Thats it!!!!!!!Im tellin my chicken joke to all, now some of you have heard it but not all of you!!!!!!!!!!
If you think your life is sad :(....Imagine being a chicken egg....You only get laid once.....You only get smashed once.....AND THE ONLY BIRD TO SIT ON YOUR FACE IS YOUR MUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:(:( (:0)
POOR LITTLE CHICKEN (:0)LOL!!!!!!!!It doesnt matter how many times I read that it just crackes me up guys, loves ya MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008): Little Johnny traps his fingers as he accidentally drops his desk lid on them (this is the 1960's) after getting his books out. "F**K!" he shouts at the top of his voice, blowing on his fingers to take the sting out.
The young teacher doesn't want to disrupt the whole lesson by making a big deal out of it, but just quietly asks Johnny to come see her at the end of the lesson. The lesson finishes in due course and Johnny approaches the her desk. "Now Johnny" she says, looking down over the top of her glasses at him "I wonder if you know what that word you shouted really means?" "Oh yes Miss - and I can show you if you like!" The teacher is rather surprised that one so you could possibly have carnal knowledge, but is intrigued. "Ok Johnny - I'm interested to know" she says, and asks him what he'd like her to do. "Well miss, if you pull your knickers down and bend over your desk I'll show you"
She does as asked and little johnny sticks his index finger in her anus then tells her to fart. "I can't" she says. "Well, there you are then" says Johnny, "You're F**ked aren't you!"
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (8 April 2008):
I like the way you're thinking!!!
YAY!!! LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES!!!!!!!!!!
The teacher is having a spelling bee. Does Anyone know a word that begins with the letter A? Little Johnny's hand shoots up first. The teacher mentally goes over all of the words that the foul-mouthed little Johnny could possibly answer with and decides to ask Sally instead. AIRPLANE, Miss! Yes, Very Good! Now, can Anyone give me a word that starts with the letter S? Johnny is waving his hand back and forth. She asks Brian. STATUE, Miss! Excellent, Brian. How about the letter F? Little Johnnie is on his feet, jumping up and down waving frantically. Oh, dear me, No, she thinks. She asks Barbara. FIRETRUCK, Miss! That's correct! Now, can Anyone give me a word that starts with the letter R? Little Johnnie is up on his feet again, waving and waving. He is on of the few children that is waving and she mentally goes over, in her mind, all of the possibilities and permutations that he could find with the letter R, coming up with absolutely no vulgarities. Well, Alright then, Johnny? RATS, Miss. Rats, Johnny? YES, MISS! RATS WITH BIG FOOKIN TAILS THIS LONG!!!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (8 April 2008):
"5"!!! Dammit. No more posting when I am sober.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (8 April 2008):
The LIQUID PANTY REMOVER or the "q1604"
1 part lime juice
1 part vodka
Repeat
Repeat
Repeat
Repeat
Spill one on floor...
Wepeat
OOOPS!!!!!! PANTIES ON HEAD!!!!!!!!!! Wheeee!!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (7 April 2008):
HA HA HA ha ha ha...
THESE ARE SO GREAT! Keep 'em coming!
I've decided to adopt mandy7, eyeswideopen and q1605. What's the significance of q and 1605? I'm just nosey and like to know these things...
Here's one that Mandy reminded me of.
A woman bumps into an old girlfriend from high school. Her friend says "How are you, Dear? It's been forever! You know, we haven't caught up in ages! Let me tell you what's been happening with me! Do your remember that I when to University? Well, I went ALL the way through and became a Doctor!"
The woman says "That's Nice!"
"...And while I was studying, I met a guy who was a computer whiz. He started a dot.com site and he's worth a Fortune!"
The woman says "That's Nice!"
"I KNOW! We fell in love, got married and have two boys and two girls!"
The woman says "That's Nice!"
"Oh my, here I am rambling on and on. What have YOU been doing since we left high school, Dear?"
The woman replies "Well, After high school, I went to a Finishing School where we learned to say 'That's Nice' instead of Fuck You!"
I was told this joke when I was with a whole lot of ex-pats in the Netherlands. All of the newcomers to the group EVENTUALLY learned what "That's Nice" meant... LOL! It did come in handy, on ocassion. Ha!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (7 April 2008):
 A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): Oh and birdy sorry hun IM ALWAY GIGGLING AT YOUR JOKES!!!!! (:0) We seem to be having an awfull lot in common of late love SH!!!POOKY! WET WINE!!!!I had to much bloody wet wine on saturday whoooo!!!!!!!I'll stick to the dry in futour XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): Once again Im in fits q1605 whoooooooooooo!!!!!Im goin to find my fella n ask if I can get weighed right now! (:0) JOKE TIME!!!!!!!!
Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to be better than each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on holiday," and then looks at the others with a superior air.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect thing."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that holiday I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a proton."
"Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg."
TAKE CARE LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (7 April 2008):
A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi were arguing about *When Life Begins*.
The Priest proclaimed, in no uncertain terms "I believe, as does the Holy Roman Catholic Church, that Life Itself Begins at the MOMENT of Conception!".
The Minister, not wanting his doctrine to be unspoken said "I, and the rest of my congregation, believe that Life begins the MOMENT a Child Enters the World.
The Rabbi quickly interjects.
"Ahh, You're both Nuts. Life BEGINS when the Dog Dies and the Kids Move Out!".*
*No animals were harmed in the making of this joke.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (7 April 2008):
GWAPES!!!!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (7 April 2008):
That's so funny! My daughter called it wet wine last week too!
I think that we should all pitch in and get Uncie Phil's Chicken Bazooka and bring it along to the Bar-B. If it's military issue, it should only cost a couple of million pounds...
Doctor, Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.
What are you taking for ti?
Pepper...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): Oh matey well both of you but phil Im crying AGAIN!!!!!! Oh dear me that hurt my stomach muscles I dont need to workout hun!!!!!!!Bigsis that sounds like my sons g/f bless her she is sooooooo sweet but QUOTE!!!!!! "If you get dry wine can you get wet wine?" BLESS HER LITTLE HEART!!!!Cheers for my giggle b4 I hit the sack it was light when I went to bed party party party!!!!!!I blame the kids LOVES YA SQUISHY HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (6 April 2008):
This apparently happened at Harvard University in October of last year.
In a biology class, the Prof. was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"
"That's correct", responded the Prof., going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?". After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Prof.'s reply was classic...
Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
: ^D
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): Anyone who has an understanding of the aeronautical industry will know that a bird hitting an aircraft that is flying at high speed can do immense damage. Aircraft engines and windscreens in particular have to be able to withstand a birdstrike and continue flying.
Rolls-Royce Aero Engines scientists in Derby, England, developed a gun for firing chickens at test components which pretty much simulated the effects of a birdstrike in the air. Word got out to Boeing scientists in the USA about the effectiveness of this new gun and they asked to borrow it to do birdstrike tests on their prototype aircraft. Being the helpful people that they are, Rolls-Royce duly flew the device over the Atlantic for them.
A week later, Rolls-Royce received word that Boeing's experiments weren't going too well. They'd apparently loaded a chicken into the gun and fired it at an aircraft cockpit mock-up. The bird flew straight through the windscreen, through the body of the dummy pilot, through the back of the pilot's seat and through the bulkhead behind, eventually ending up in the passenger area.
Boeing requested that Rolls-Royce scientists come over to their test facility to find out what could be done to improve the strength of their windscreens, which the Rolls-Royce people were quite happy to do. A week later, Boeing executives received the report from the Rolls-Royce scientists about possible actions to cure their problem.
#1 on the list read "Defrost Chicken".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2008): Hellooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!(:0)
Patient to the eye doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."
"Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."
Mind you most of the coffee goes over the key bourd ( eh! Tisha hun!) I just though this may be the prob q1605 All very welcome to join in hey is it nearly 200 now or have we past it, YO!!!!! UNCLE PHIL!!!!!!!!!!Another record mate, And it not called, Every girl loves a sailor!!!!!!(:0) squishy hugs XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (6 April 2008):
 lol you guys are silly x
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (6 April 2008):
ALL LATECOMERS WELCOME!
Bring your own protective eye wear, BP's, nasal spray, Depends, paper towels for spit takes and other clean ups, ear plugs, Tom Jones and CAFFEINE. Also Martini's and various drinks. No admission unless you have a recipe for a new one. Or a good clean dirty joke. Or an explanation for the original question...
SMOOTCHIES!!!
XXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): LOTS OF LOVE N SQUDGY HUGS BIRDY MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): Well butt plugs wont work!!!!!!Hey girls TELLULAH! EYES! YEA! EYES You will no this one hun help this poor soul (:0) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (5 April 2008):
Efalump Cocktail
Two scoops of Ice Cream
One scoop of Efalump
Hopefully, not from Behind Efalump.
Efalump patties!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): Def seperated at birth hun, tiz the good girl humour mate!
How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree!!!!!
ANYONE FOR EFALUMP COCKTAIL!!!!!!!XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (5 April 2008):
OMG!!!!
Found it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hilarious! I might have known it was a fellow nutter! Doppelgangers or twins separated at birth????????????
How totally bizarre. It's like the telephone game of jokes in two different countries! Have to wonder if it's some weird gathering of souls at this site... Like you said - SPOOKY! Too Flippin' Weird!!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (5 April 2008):
Wow, Seriously? Can you send me the link? Love Kismet!!! I may have a fellow traveller there! Love that.
There Are NO Coincidences, There Is Only God In Sunglasses and a False Mustache.
I'd love to read it!
BIG SCRUNCHIE HUGS AND KISSES. XXX
Yah, I KNOW, IT doesn't QUITE work for me. Not quite sure I dig scrunchies either...
Okay - Smootchies!!!!!!!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): Where's that naughty penguin!!!!!Hunny you should go to cupids loung and check out a new post that was sent a few days ago! Me n you r tinking alike hun...I think the post is jobys jokes or something like that....SPOOKY!!!!!!!
ANOTHER RANDOM JOKE!!!!!!!
A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.
The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, stockings etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and staring at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.
Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help...... I'm stuck", he shouts.
"But I have no clothes on. What should I do ?", she screams.
"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your fanny It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"
She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her fanny and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.
"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.
"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".
"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you." xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (:0)
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (4 April 2008):
Duck walks into a bar. Got Any Gwapes?
Bartender says No. Get out. We don't serve Ducks. Duck leaves.
Duck returns to the bar. Got Any Gwapes?
Bartender says Look, I just told you NO. We don't serve Ducks. Get Out! Duck leaves.
Duck comes back into the bar again. Got any Gwapes?
Bartender, furious, says We have GRAPES! We don't serve Ducks. If I see you in this bar again, I'll staple your feet to the floor!!! Duck bids a hasty retreat.
Duck return to the Bar and is About to open his beak, when the FURIOUS bartender comes out from behind the bar with a staple gun. He chases the duck, firing at will. There are feathers and staples everywhere. This continues until the bartender gives up and goes back behind the bar.
...got any Staples?
NO.
Well, in that case - Got Any Gwapes?
This is actually much, MUCH funnier when recited in Daffy Duck speak after having a Penguin Cocktail and a couple of Sperm Cocktails, while sitting in a Hot Tub with a bunch of nutters.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): Hey birdy Im flyin now after tryin irish's cocktail then the penguin delight hun so if we all try em we should get to irish's for the spit roast in wot!!!!12hrs!!!
Random joke!!!!!!!!!!!! Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
Because they dont want to get there nuts wet!!!!! BOOM! BOOM! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (4 April 2008):
...and I thought Hot Tub was some sexy, chubby fit guy.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (4 April 2008):
I though Aer Lingus was a hot tub...
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (4 April 2008):
Birdie...I always thought Cunni-lingus was an Irish Air Line company.
: ^)
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (4 April 2008):
You can't get pregnant if you swallow, but you have more fun getting oral sex than giving it - however, you need a very cunning linguist. Irish, that drink sounds like Tigers Milk that everyone drinks in Turkey. Take some Reki and add water. Tastes like toothpaste, but looks like your drink... If you have TOO many of them, you see flying penguins!( ;S )={
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): One penguin cocktail
1 shot of voddy
1 shot of pimms
1 shot of apple source
1 shot creme de menthe
loads of ice being a penguin u need it (wink!)
bobs ya uncle fannys ur aunt penguin delight!!!!!!!(:0) Love the sperm cocktail irish, BUT WILL U GET PEGNANT WHEN U SWALLOW HUN? XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): Those Pink Elephant drinks look delicious, Eyes. Seeing as we're on the subject of cocktails, sperm, seaman, partying and such. Here's a drink of interest
Sperm Cocktail
tequila
vodka
1 drop cream
Fill a shot glass with tequila and vodka and drop very carefully, some cream in it. No Garnish.
Sorry...I have no recipes for 'penquin' cocktails. (wink) Any one else know of any?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): Did someone mention penguins? (:0)
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (1 April 2008):
Flying Penguins?
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (1 April 2008):
Transmogrificators? *TROGDOR!!!* Were they gender-benders or veggiemites? Everybody loves TROGDOR.*
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 April 2008):
I'll never change...too lazy
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 March 2008):
 Thank you eyes!! Have you been watching the transmogrifications of our most illustrious aunties and uncles? I think I might need some eye corrections here...
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 March 2008):
Pink Elephant recipe
1 splash grenadine syrup
2 oz gin
Pour grenadine into a brandy snifter, and swirl so that it coats most of the surface of the glass. Pour out the grenadine briskly, and add gin.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 March 2008):
Sounds yummy! And are there any drinks with a tiny smidge of spinach in them? You know, good for the muscles n such...
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): 3 Tots of gin sweety and a dribble of tonic best of luck (:0) XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX OHHHH! N a little brolly to catch any drips!!!!!:}
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 March 2008):
For some reason, I feel the need for a pink elephant, Mandy, do you know the recipe for that cocktail????
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): Oh tisha my nursing experience did me sooooooo much good and my clients seemed to love me hun, Well they never wanted me to leave and offered me gin and tonic to stay!!!!!! so twas all good fun eh hun!!!!!!!XXXXXXXX Those birds n bees r really clever ya no (:0)XXXXX
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 March 2008):
Mandy!!! No more coffee near computer for me!!!
I do wonder if your anatomy tutor has been busy teaching the birds and bees and seamen and whales to others???
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): Hunny Im more that A.E.I.O.U NUTS!!!!!!!!Im glad you liked it hope the laptop is ok TEE HEE !!!!!!May the boraxes out there continue to protect and serve!!!!! TAKE CARE HUN LOVE Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (:0)
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (30 March 2008):
YOU ARE TOTALLY OUT OF YOU NUTT! I am never going to remember my vowels the same way again. SPIT TAKE!!!!!!!!!!! Clean lap top... Clean Shirt... Clean screen... LOL!!! XXXXXXXX
The WHOLE point of contraceptive mouthwash is that the Borax protects the Thorax. I am not entirely sure that the brainiun is ever TOTALLY engaged as far as this goes, but then that would explain A, E, I, O, and Eeewhhh. Other Lies that that lead to this are - I'll love you in the morning... ECT, ECT, ECT...
Bee careful out there!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): QUESTION??? How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g abdomen)
Answer!!!!!!! The body is consisted into three parts-the brainium, theborax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains thebrain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (27 March 2008):
*DING* *DING* *DING* *DING*
Attention K-Mart Shoppers!
We have a blue light special on Contraceptive Mouthwash, especially designed to prevent just such matters from happening.
It is interesting that you know so much about the human anatomy polarkite! I am assuming that you must be in the medical field, or posting A.M. (after Martini). Either way, Cheers!!!
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A
male
reader, polarkite +, writes (26 March 2008):
 This is a great question!
Though improbable, there exists a small chance which increases based on how much cum you are able to swallow and how frequently. If you swallow more than a litre, the cum will form a naturally protective globule that can potentially survive the corrosive stomach lining in the core part of the globule.
Then there's a small chance that the cum globule will be processed by your kidneys and pass through as a cum-cored kidney stone which will slowly leak sperm into your pee.
Once the sperm has made it in to your pee, all bet's are off. You could then impregnate yourself or others with your own pee if you are not *extremely careful*.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (26 March 2008):
Is that a Venti Capistrano?
Moca Choco-latta Ya Ya! Be Your Lady Marmalade! WAY to much Guitar Hero and Rock Band going on in my house, obviously.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 March 2008):
Everybody sing...When the swallows come back to Capistrano...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2008): ha! ha! tee! hee! oh boy coffee time again!!!!!!!! ta wizard xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! MY! WELL THAT WAS THE BIGGEST BLOODY LAUGH IVE HAD ALL DAY!!!!!!U just crack me up mate!!!!!!!Tasted nice though!!!!XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (24 March 2008):
Love That!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): Well, in that case, I can't resist a 'Channel Island' joke!
Once upon a time, on a little island not a million miles away from France, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess's lap and said "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself
"I don't f***ing think so!"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): Im going to have to join in and do an old english joke....
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
Thats just for you uncle phil oh and TTM!!!!!!!!
LOTS OF LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXX This thred will never end xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (24 March 2008):
Two Canadians are driving home from a bar. They are not politically correct and are sipping from a couple of travelers (beers-to-go). Suddenly, there are flashing lights in the rear view mirror. Doug is afraid to get caught drunk driving, so Bob tells him "Look, just do what I do and follow my lead!". They both peel the labels off the beer bottles and apply them to their foreheads.
The officer appears at the driver's window and asks them if they have both been drinking. "Why, No, Officer. We're both on the Patch..."
Ba da da bum Tschhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): A Canadian bloke is walking down Main Street, Calgary, with a case of beer under his arm, when from the opposite direction comes Dave, his buddy.
Dave says "Hi Randy! What you got that case of beer for?"
Randy says "Well actually, I got it for the wife"
Dave replies "Great trade!"
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 March 2008):
And here I thought it was safe to drink coffee in front of the computer again! LOL Irish and Eyes and Tellulah!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 March 2008):
If I bring up butt plugs again I'll be TOAST!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): And with joke, I am wondering...will this lead back to the buttplug jokes?? lol
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): I have a good canadian joke to share And if any canadians out there get offended, remember, one thing...I am a Canadian as well, eh. And sometimes, it's just plain fun and a great hoot to laugh at ourselves. Sent to me by my sister in law via email from the eastern shores of Canada.
________
"An American, a Japanese and a Canadian were sitting naked in a sauna when suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm, and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."
The Canadian felt decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Canadian finally said "Well, will you look at that! I'm getting a fax."
____________________
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (24 March 2008):
 Very clever Tish, had to read that a couple of times to let it sink in. OMG maybe Toasty is right and I really am as thick as sh**. GULP
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 March 2008):
How do you spell the country that Birdy's from?
CND.
How's that again?
CND!
What? I just don't understand?
Sigh. C, eh?, N, eh?, D, eh?
What
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): Oh Birdy, you're obviously still very Canadian. Eh?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 March 2008):
Just in case I get trouble....How many democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they like being in the dark. whacca whacca
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (24 March 2008):
OOOooooohhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
POLITICS!!!!!! Yay!
Monika Lewinski's Ex-Boyfriend's WIfe for President!
Once You Go Barack - You Never Go Back!!!
Got nuthin on the Republican...
Don't you just love Canadians who live in Chicago!!!!!
Total irreverence, no matter where we live! Eh?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 March 2008):
There's a word for people in the states who do not have a sense of humor/humour... they are called "republicans".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): Oh Toasty. Here I was thinking that all Americans had a sense of humor. Significantly different to an Englishman's sense of humor maybe, but a sense of humor nonetheless. You are obviously the exception to what I thought was the rule.
Go on - tell us a joke, and I promise I'll laugh - if only out of politeness. Do you like the funny way I spelled 'Humour'?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): Blimey, I thought this thread had dried up about 5 days ago! Nice to see it's still going strong.
I'm pleased to see that Tellulah has mentioned about the bath - I forgot all about that method. Of course, there's the towels and the toilet seat as well, so be careful girls, you may get a surprise when you least expect it!
Where did all the Froggies come from? (and don't say 'Tadpoles').
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): BIG SQUISHY HUGGY BUGGYS KAY KAY!!!!! BIRDY!!!! N OF COURSE TELLULAH!!!!!
filles faites par bien je t'aime toutes
N LOTS OF LUUUUUUUUUUV MANDY XXXXXX
WERES TOM GONE? XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (24 March 2008):
I THINK I HIT A RAW NERVE WITH THE BUT PLUG THING, TOASTY.
I must opologise completely, for my apaling behaviour, and lack of care for the poor girl in the post aged 22-25 that has obviously led a very sheltered life, and did not know the answer to this question.
No you cannot get pregnant from swollowing sperm, so dont worry.
HOWEVER, I believe you can get pregnant if you get into the bath after your dad has been in there, and you didnt wash it out properly.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (24 March 2008):
Smootchies Kay Kay!!! YOU RULE!
( :S )={
TELLULAH ROCKS!!!!
Yeah Baby!
Have to run, incredibly busy playing Guitar Hero. Hit me with your best shot - fire away! OMG, what a fun game. Having WAY too much fun on this Easter weekend! HOPE EVERYONE ELSE IS TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (24 March 2008):
What's with the moniker, Toasty? And the altitude? Most of us are here to help and if we were blowing off a bit of steam, well, Bob's Your Uncle! If you have noticed, most of the people answering have posted well over 500 answers, if not thousands. AND they have THE most honorable of intentions, otherwise, they would never have written thousands of answers without pay for hours and hours and hours. I very much doubt that anyone here has been injured by this thread. Methinks thou doest protest too much! Ce n'est pas gentille, mes enfants.
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female
reader, kittikat +, writes (23 March 2008):
 Ok, so just in case this is a real question...obviously from the all the comments posted, you can't, but you can get several STD's (herpes, gonorrhea, and other bacterial infections) from performing oral sex, look at it before you lick it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2008): Oh, for the love of all that is holy...
Shouldn't we treat all questions professionally and respectfully? I don't give a crap if you find buttplugs and how many screens all of you went through, actually. You all may find your jokes jolly and good, but I find them distasteful and disrespectful. Yes, there are a lot of hoaxes out there, but there's also a lot of piss-poor education out there as well!
I WENT TO A SCHOOL WHERE THE SAID WE WILL GET HEAD CANCER FROM GIVING BLOW JOBS. That's how sheltered my little friends were in HIGH SCHOOL! So for all you know, maybe it is a hoax, MAYBE NOT.
And if I were the person who posted that question, I'd be so mortified by the remarks and jokes made that I probably wouldn't darken this site's doorstep again, let alone this THREAD.
Tellulah, kindly poking fun is one thing, but being down-right distasteful and rude is another. If what has been coming out of your mouth is your idea of a simple joke (not saying you're the only one, there are plenty of people who have said equally rude things), I would like to know where you learned to speak that way without shame.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): Well it NOT UNUSUAL! To KEEP ON SMILING! Especially if your a SEX BOMB! mind you it all depends on THE SITUATION!!!!IF ONLY I NEW SOOOOOOOOOO WHATS NEW PUSSYCAT! OH OH OH DELILAH!!!! Tee hee!!!!!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (22 March 2008):
Who mentioned Tom Jones? I knew I should have listened to my parents, "Momma told me not to cum"
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (21 March 2008):
Ocean Babies! By seamen! Better than oral babies. Have thrown my panties on the barbie that Tom Jones is using in Irish's "Green Green Grass From Home".
It is absolutely not possible to get pregnant by swallowing semen. Or swimming in the ocean. Try to keep up! This is edumacational.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): Hello just thought I would say no hunny you cant get pregnant from swallowing as I did say in my first post and I hope love you have got a sense of humour as we aunts are a good bunch and try our best to help, but we are also a funny bunch and cant help laughing at each other, Its called team work...And now and again sweetheart we need to lift our spirits and fly high, There is soooooooooo much sadness in the world today. And when you are answering questions alot then to have a harmless bit of fun doesnt hurt to keep up people spirits, YOU TAKE CARE HUNNY WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XOXOXO
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (21 March 2008):
Toasty get a life, it was fun thats all. How do you know that it was even a serious question. Notice that the original poster has not added a comment.
Take the but plug out your bum and have a giggle, they say its the best medicine.
Tellulah
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): I'm going to say flat out that this is the biggest waste of space on Dear Cupid. Obviously the person is curious about sex and is getting answers. You know what? Who cares if she lives under a rock or in a high-rise apartment in the pleasure district? It's a question. She needs advice, not some wise-ass crack about her stupidity or some big fat lie about getting pregnant from swallowing splooge.
GROW UP AUNTS.
I personally think that our little mod over here isn't doing a very good job at keeping this place spam-free and respectable. Actually, I think she's doing a very poor job. Perhaps more care and consideration for other peoples feelings needs to be taken. Not to mention weather or not the 'answers' are helpful.
Good NIGHT, people...have some honor.
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (20 March 2008):
Blimey this question has gone down two route's now. Seamen and Tom Jones, Does this make it a Double Ender?
Oh thats really rude, sorry I am ill and have a fever.
XXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): There's a Spit Roaster for sale on Ebay. 17 x 10 inches. Item No 270219046116. £69-99. 0 bids as yet.
Anonymous - go back to sleep!
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 March 2008):
Listen here mr/ms anonymous, we aunts need to relieve our stress on occasion so nix on the lecture Okay?! The poster DID get her answer straight off...(stomping off to find butt plugs)
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): I think most of these answers are crule your all on here to HELP not to be smart ass's
ANSWER TO THE QUESTION no you cant get pregnant by swollowing cum it might be a good idea for you to talk to a doctor if you have these sorts of questions or get some pamphlets or something from your doctors clinic
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): Well, if Tom is to be invited you'll have to invite Delilah too, and make sure you dress like a Sex Bomb or he won't be interested. However, You Can Leave Your Hat On to protect against sunburn.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): Ha! That's a good idea, Rhythym. We could have it 'behind closed doors' but...well, I was kinda hoping we could have the Barbeque in my backyard on the "Green Grass of (my) Home'? lol
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): As Long as BBQ is Behind Closed Doors, Tomm will be there!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): I have this awesome idea, folks! Why do we----invite Tom Jones to the barbeque?! lol Tisha, Eyes..anyone--what's this guy's phone number?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 March 2008):
Yes, and a little side dish of mixed nuts.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): Does that come with olives?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 March 2008):
LOVE the Tom Jones subthreads!
And I now have this image in my head of a whale shaking a submarine like a bartender preparing a martini...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): If Loving You Is Wrong I Don't Wanna Be Right, You give me Chills and Fever, and I just Can't Get No Satisfaction, And No I will Never Fall IN Love Again----Tomm Jones
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (18 March 2008):
Seamen - Don't leave for a long sea voyage without them!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): I really cannot believe this question but have loved reading the answers. I came across somebody years ago that wouldn't do oral because they believe this possibility. I told them that whales practice oral sex by biting the hatch off a submarine and sucking out the seamen and she believed me for a week.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Careful - She's a Lady!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 March 2008):
hey TELLULAH...so What's New Pussycat??
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (17 March 2008):
Well
"It's not unusual" to love Tom Jones.
Boom-Boom
XXX
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 March 2008):
I love Tom Jones...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): Apparently sheep have four.
This is probably why there are so many of them in Wales.
What's the definition of a Welsh leisure Centre? - A sheep tied to a lamppost.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (17 March 2008):
Oh my god!! did you know cows have two stomach's. No wonder they dont give blow jobs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): Oh my goodness, reading all that made me laugh so much!!!! Someone should send these comments to a comedy show! :-P
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 March 2008):
LJ, there were a number of responsible replies, but you have to look closely, in between all the collective insanity...or is that inanity?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): Sweetypie hunny bun if you go rite back to no 1 then I think I tryed to answer as honestly as poss it just went flip ding plop sweetpea!!!!!!!!!but soooooooooooooo!!!!!! much fun was had by all us naughty aunts n uncles xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): Haha did anyone actually give this poor girl a proper answer? Other than tell her she can have oral babies and give birth through her mouth?! Answer: NO! YOU CAN'T! Lol :]
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): HEY PHIL I THINK YOU GOT UR RECORD MATE!!!!!!!!!!!! And the moral of the story.......NEVER BITE OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW OR SWALLOW!!!!!!!!XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (15 March 2008):
If that was the case my darling, I would have millions of babies running around me as we speak....not to mention overpopulating the universe!!
Swallowing cum is the best oral contraceptive known to man.
Or should I say woman. :P
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): Only if you keep doing that and can't figure out what causes babies! There your 100th answer for the book.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): Only one more, and that'll be 100 responses. Come on - let's set a record worthy of the Guinness book!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): jelly babys maybe, n god bless u phil and all who sailed in you love, And TELLULAH!!!!You wanna come and clean my keybourd!!!YEP!!! EVERYTIME! :} And would the question asker pllllllease say GOT YA ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!CAUSE THAT WOULD JUST BE A BEAUT!!!!! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): Haha oral babies lol!
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (15 March 2008):
Whats your specialist subject, gottascrewlose86, "The bleeding obvious".
That made me laugh even more.
I think you might have missed the point of all the stuff below. Bless ya!
XX
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A
female
reader, gottascrewlose86 +, writes (15 March 2008):
 NO WAY!!!! You cant get pregnant by swallowing semen.....your digestive system and reproductive system and not connected in anyway. The sperm that you do swallow will be destroyed by your stomach acids as soon as they come in contact!!!! Even if your sperm was not destroyed by the stomach acids, yor digestive system does not have a suitable enviornment and there is NO EGG!!!! Plus you pass everything through your digestive system in 24-72 hours!!!! If your sperm was not destryed by the acid in your stomach and made it all of the way through it would be in your body for no longer than three days!!!!! Ahhhhh but even thats impossible cause sperm are very delicate and will be killed by stomach acid!!! Is this question real?
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (15 March 2008):
I've got nuthin....
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (15 March 2008):
 No. I knew a woman who actually believed that (she was in her early twenties as well) and she had been raised by a very religious family. In front of me, my bf, her brother-in-law, and her husband she said that you could become pregnant from swallowing, and we just stared at her, and her husband, like the dumb-ass he was, said "I didn't know that," rather than correcting her.
I mean, I don't think he should view her as an extension, and correct her for such a stupid reason as that, but he should've taken her someplace private and corrected her, so she wouldn't embarrass herself again in the future, and maybe she could've hopefully saved face by coming back into the living room and being like, "I was joking yall, that was a joke-didn't know yall took me seriously."
Either that or she was trying to get a reaction out of us, or see if anyone would correct her. Maybe she just liked control and the fact that no one was going to say crap to her about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): Legit or not, it gave quite a few people a great deal of amusement and allowed Tellulah's brilliant sense of humour to come to the fore.
God bless her and all who sail in her!
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (14 March 2008):
 Just PG-17 rated, mind you. But I must wonder what this young woman must be thinking, assuming this was a legit question.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (14 March 2008):
Possibly the 90th answer. This should be made into a comedy CD, maybe even a DVD. Everyone at the barbecue must play their part with appropriate props.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 March 2008):
I know some people think I'm hysterical, but they usually mean it the other way....
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): Tisha - have you ever thought of taking up a career as a comedy writer? You're funnier than some of the 'comedy' we get on TV here, that's for sure!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): Ah - Benny Hill! Now there was a funny fella! Fastest milkman in the west. I've now got a mental image of all that stockings-and-susps clad crumpet chasing him around at the end of each programme. Now the music is going round in my head. Then of course there was Cosmo Smallpiece who liked tarts. Big round tarts.
Butt plugs cum in Andy? I feel sorry for Andy. Poor chap.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 March 2008):
Isn't a pumpkin a gourd? One of my favorite gourds is the butternut gourd...
I think we are all out of our gourds here; seamen, navel orificers, Benny Phil fans, Zeke & Brandon too, BBQ specialists, colonials and all!
Andrew will be pulling the plugs soon, no doubt...so mind your backsides!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): Yeah, come to think of it, that sounds about right. Whatta ya think Phil?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): did u say PHIL WAS BENNY HILL? LOL!!!!! A PUMPKIN!!!! NO THAT IRRITABLE BOWEL OOOOOOH!!!! THATS WHEN THE BUTT PLUGS CUM IN ANDY!!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): This thread is the best thing since Benny Hill.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): I always thought it would be like shi***ng a pumpkin. Just shows how wrong a person can be.
I wondered how long it would be before someone mentioned seamen!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): PHIL COULD HAVE A BABY!!!!BEING A NATURAL SEAMAN!!!!!!!Its ok mate it just like squeezing a melon through your nostril no worrys hun, TAKEY CAREY OF YOUEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! XXXXXX LUV MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE XXXX
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (14 March 2008):
Meant your jaw.
Not your's Phil, your a man and they cant have babies. Even Tummy babies. If they could you could drink your own and make yourself pregnant.
Can I be your manager...XXX
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (14 March 2008):
Oh yes!!! Without a doubt.
Just when you close your eyes and think your safe, it can get you.
Of course it depends on the size of the smooch. Small ones will just make you dizzy. But a large one could lead to what they call "ADULT SEX". And then if the man forces you to drink from his Willy...... YOU WILL HAVE A BABY.
And you will have to dislodge yor jaw again.
Err..... This is where I came in.
XXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): Can you get pregnant from big smoochies?
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (14 March 2008):
BIG SMOOTCHIES to ALL!!! THAT WAS FUN!!!!!!!!!!! LOL! XXX
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A
female
reader, joby30 +, writes (14 March 2008):
 well i have never heard of such pap in my life .its just like a friend of mine asked me one day if you can get dry wine can you get wet wine !!!!!!! help me there are some really un educated people on this planet xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!
I slept and the world went plip ding plop!!!!!!!!I had a bloody dream of trying to give birth out my nose CHEERS FOR THAT NIGHTMARE!!!!!!!!!! LOVE YOU ALL DEARLY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 March 2008):
Tellulah! You were the one who started this on the path it went!!!!
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (14 March 2008):
Whats a but plug?
Does it stop the baby from falling out your bum.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Sorry Tisha, I meant 'lady' not lasy..I think it's time for me to get serious and get back to work!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Tish, you are one funny lasy! Better yet, we'll need 'full' nasal spray bottles. They might help clear out one's sinuses after all the 'nasal orifice" shenanigans going on at this spit roast. We'll reuse as BP's. Let's be environmentally friendly and recycle those little bottles. Double duty, you know. lol
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): I guess I've learned to never post another question on the board. no-no no-no
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (13 March 2008):
I'm not drinking, I'm on the patch. Drinking causes oral babies.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Has anybody noticed the ad on this page? I wonder if those are oral babies????
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 March 2008):
Eyes, sorry, I've just learned the last batch of BPs is gone. We may have to resort to empty nasal spray bottles in the meantime.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): So, getting back to the business in hand - if one were to spit, would that be classed as contraception or abortion? Either way, would it leave a bad taste in the mouth?
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (13 March 2008):
Nasal spray... Lots and lots of nasal spray... That must be it. Spring fever has hit Dear Cupid, we're all on nasal spray, and Irish suspiciously has NOT posted the mapquest to her home... And who could blame her! OMG, what a par-tay!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): "I only can hope that Andrew forgives us and that by tomorrow, everything will have dried out..."
You mean back to normal???? I thought this was normal!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 March 2008):
Zeke and Brandon are willing to do whatever their superior orificer commands.
I only can hope that Andrew forgives us and that by tomorrow, everything will have dried out...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): lol, eyes.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 March 2008):
Zeke and Brandon will keep that old bird a rolling for us!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 March 2008):
And you called ME a scamp!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Oh----and Tisha. Even better, just bring Zeke, the BP's (and Brandon) along with you. I think we'll be needing some help with the "Spit" Roast. lol
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 March 2008):
Sorry, I meant Mandy. The keyboard is still drying out... My apologies!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 March 2008):
Manny, why don't you bring candy and sweets too?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Mandy - don't us ex-sailors count?
Eyes - It wouldn't be a navel orificeR - there's work involved.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Now your talking im there ta hun ill wear me fippers n snorkle for protection xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 March 2008):
Tisha you need to let me know when Zeke has restocked the BP's I have to bring some to Irish's party.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Alright..alright. I tried not to get involved in this but Eyeswideopen-(you scamp!--You had to go and say something about a backyard barbeque. Now, this is what I propose, folks.
My place...this summer...A Backyard 'Spit Roast.' Eyes, you supply the buttplugs. Birdy you supply the 'nasal' spray. And Phil, you bring the beer. Everyone else--BYOB..let's party!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 March 2008):
That's a Navel orificeR!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Navel sex it only poss if your dating a sailor!!!!!!! as for uranus tiz a lovely place to visit!!!! Not that ive been :) REALLY!!!Only planet flip ding plop!!!!!! uncle phil xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 March 2008):
I'm looking that up in our manual for you Uncle Phil...humm let's see...it just says "yes" I guess cause a navel is just an orifice with a permanent plug.
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A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (13 March 2008):
 Yeah huni the sperm swims all the way down your throat puts on protective gear to get through the corrosive stomach acid and your digestive system, goes through your intestines and bowels has a shower to wipe off everythuing its collected on its very long journey b4 swimming down to meet an egg, all the while competing with the other million sperm, and then after 9 months you give birth out of your mouth.
Sperm doesnt live long enough to get all the way through your body.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): oh! n yea your place irish for a bbq the police may be called!!!!!!!JUST MAYBE!!!!!! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): We don't let go that easily, Troubled!
They only think they're independent but we know they're still a colony. But what the hell as long as we all get along together everything is fine and dandy in my book!
Now - is it possible to get pregnant through anal sex? or Navel sex?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): OH MY
Nostril sex with butt plugs n getting knocked up by swallowing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Im all for a good sex life but im not going to get it tonight if i dont stop peeing my pants, I better plug it!!!!!! eyes pllllllllllllease hunny remember to wear a condom on your tongue and plug your ears and open your nostrils as WIDE AS POSS!!!!! GOOD SEX ED YOU'LL NEVER GET A BUN IN THE OVEN!!!!!!!!!!! love n hugs MANDY :) XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 March 2008):
hee hee...I hope...snort...Andrew doesn't...ha ha...get pissed off at us...(wipes eyes)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 March 2008):
BRRIIINNGGGGG!!!!
"Hello?"
"Hey, Zeke, it's Bjorn here in med supply. We're having a major problem with keeping some items stocked. There was this crazy rush on them today..."
Z: "Okay, which ones do you need most urgently?"
B: "Man, it is so strange. We are completely out of earplugs, adult diapers, paper towels, keyboards, and wait, hold on, Brandon has something else to add...
"what is it? What? Can you repeat that, Brandon?
"Sorry, Zeke, but I think Brandon said we're completely out of butt plugs..."
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 March 2008):
Threesomes is right after spit-roasts in the manual, I think. We should ask Irish to fire up her backyard BBQ!
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A
male
reader, Jamer70 +, writes (13 March 2008):
 Some of you lot are nutters
Seriously
Ever seen the movie Alien Vs Predator?
If you swallow seman you will end up like them, having your baby pop out of your mouth to feed or the innocent
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Threesomes???????? Oh no, pregnant on both ends!!!!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (13 March 2008):
A) We still have the Queen's Representative, the Governor General here.
B) We don't care much about it.
C) I'm in Chicago.
D) WE TRYING TO HAVE A SERIOUS DISCUSSION ABOUT THE FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM HERE!!!!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (13 March 2008):
A) We still have the Queen's Representative, the Governor General here.
B) We don't care much about it.
C) I'm in Chicago.
D) WE TRYING TO HAVE A SERIOUS DISCUSSION ABOUT THE FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM HERE!!!!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 March 2008):
This poster is now asking about threesomes....yikes
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): I had to look tht one up Phil. Here is a quote from Wikipedia:
"As the highlight of his nearly 16 years as prime minister, Trudeau negotiated the Patriation of the Canadian constitution in 1982, which included the introduction to Canada of a Charter of Rights and final independence from Britain (though Canada had been effectively independent for many decades)."
I guess that means they are officially independent. Maybe Birdy can clarify if she sees this. I've long given up trying to understand what you Brits do. ;) I know, it goes both ways. :D
Do ya think this thrad has lost the original point? Not that I want it to stop.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): I thought canada still was?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): OK, since the US and Canada used to be British colonies, I have decreed that Eyes and Birdy are eligible to join the British nut case society along with Mandy, Waterloo and Tellulah.
You women crack me up. I can't stop laughing. I love these serious discussions. I guess us guys just don't understand the female reproductive system as well as you women do.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 March 2008):
Thanks Uncle Phil I'll add yet another page to the Dear Cupid Sex for Dummies manual!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Then of course there's 'Aural Sex'. You remove the earplugs and you can then have some sense f***ed into you.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (13 March 2008):
I would like to think so, but I am no rocket surgeon. I would also advise taking them out occasionally, and not sneezing as well. Especially during... Or... Is that the point?!!! I'm so confused.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 March 2008):
Of course Birdy! If you plug up all the female orifices after nasal sex, pregnancy is bound to result! Sex education is sooo easy, isn't it?!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (13 March 2008):
If you fall asleep afterwards, you need to wear earplugs if you are hoping for a baby too...
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 March 2008):
This just in...When performing nasal sex if you remove your butt plug first the semen will flow right out of you without the possibility of pregnancy, however you must remain in an upright position at all times. FYI
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A
female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (13 March 2008):
 Oh dear!! can't stop laughing. Its not April 1st is it??
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A
female
reader, sexseahot +, writes (13 March 2008):
 Nope, sure can't.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): You can not get pregnant by swallowing cum. Besides, the stomach acids destroy everything that is put into the stomach, but doesn't protect from spoiled foods. And, there is no link between the stomach and the uterous.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): OH MY GOD I NEED TENNA LADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, xapathyxrebornx +, writes (13 March 2008):
 lmao these answers are way to funny!Honey no you cannot get pregnant from swallowing semen. It goes to your stomach and is then digested and KILLED. Ok secondly you should not even be doing stuff like that if you dont know about itThridy do you know you can catch std's?and FOURTHLY ...Grow Up! x
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A
female
reader, lilmisse2424 +, writes (13 March 2008):
 That is a negative. You can only get pregnant if you have had unprotected sex.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (13 March 2008):
Ba Da Bum Bum Tcssssh!
Good Shtick!
Have officially put on some Depends to continue reading this column...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 March 2008):
There are computer screens all over the world now dripping with spat out coffee!!! Please, stop, you're killing me!!!!! The tummy muscles just can't take it anymore!!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Yes, and when you go into labour, a star will rise in the East.
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A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (13 March 2008):
 I HOPE you are kidding? Can you imagine what the gastric juices in your stomach does to anything you eat? There is NO WAY you can get pregnant by swallowing semen. Period.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): You just love us :) n I wuv u to n this site is great for our health xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Oh god, the nutty Brit club - Mandy, Waterloo and Tellulah. Hey Eyes, are you sure your not really British?
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (13 March 2008):
I love it on here. Where else can you get to meet so many crazy people..... XXXXX to you all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): OH PLLLLLLEASE GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!MY EYES N TUMMY CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE N NIETHER CAN MY COMPUTOR SCREEN XXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 March 2008):
Please do not reproduce...ever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): If your asking a question like that I don't think you should be having sex or anything to do wiht it until you know the facts!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): ALREADY!!! NOT AWAKE!!!! ITS COME OFF IT WAS A CAPPO AS WELL!!!!! XXXXXXXX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): TELLULAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!MY COFFEE WENT ALL OVER THE SCREEN!!! IVE AREDY GOT ONE SCREEN GONE DARLING PLEASE XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, CorpusDei +, writes (13 March 2008):
 No, you cannot become pregnant if you swallow. You can only become pregnant if semen is introduced into your vagina, either through vaginal intercourse or by some other means. However, oral sex does carry the risk of several STD's, just as much as you would with unprotected sex, so you want to keep that in mind. Whether it's oral sex or vaginal intercourse, it's generally a good idea to know your partner well enough to be reasonably sure that they have had a recent STD test battery and have a clean bill of health.
More importantly, however, is the fact that you're sexually active and don't seem to have a firm grasp on the ways and means of birth control. As a personal favor to me, if you haven't already I'd like you to get in touch with your ob/gyn and discuss birth control methods, such as getting on the pill or the depo shot. Once you become sexually active, it's also important to get regular pelvic exams. If you don't currently have an ob/gyn, contact your local planned parenthood center (1-800-230-PLAN) or community clinic to get your birth control options. A good rule of thumb is that, no matter what the sexual contact, always use at least two forms of birth control (typically a condom and the pill for most women) to minimize the risk of both pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.
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A
female
reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (13 March 2008):
 Umm...what does your digestive system have to do with your vagina? When you swallow fish eggs, do you get pregnant with fish? No. No, you cannot get pregnant if you swallow cum. When you swallow something, it goes into your STOMACH, not your womb.
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A
male
reader, tux +, writes (13 March 2008):
 Yes you can get pregnant even if you swallow cum. Though you also do need to have some cum on/in your vagina. Swallowing cum is not a good method of birth control. Always use condoms. This includes with oral sex as well to protect from STD's
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (13 March 2008):
Is that your real age?
Yes you can, and when the baby is big enough you will have to dislodge your jaw like a snake to give birth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Hi Hunny
NO SWEETHEART!!!You cant TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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