A
female
age
41-50,
*rained
writes:I have been with my husband for 7 years and we have 2 young children. He is an abusive person - physically, mentally, emotionally. I must have known this for years but have chosen to ignore it but today, I am accepting that I am an abused wife. I want to help him and myself and for the children. How can I tell him this, and can an abuser change? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): It's possible he will change, but really not likely.
just as it's possible - but not likely - that lightning will strike me while I'm going out for a walk. (hey it has happened to other people so it's possible, but what is the statistical likelihood it will happen to me or to any one in particular? not likely)
How strongly are you willing to bet your safety and well being (and that of your kids) on something that is possible, but not likely?
A
female
reader, sallybowles  +, writes (31 May 2011):
I have been in relationships with abusive men and believe me NOTHING EVER CHANGES, IF NOTHING EVER CHANGES. The only person that can change is the abuser themselves and it sounds like he either 1. Does not want to change. 2. Does not think there is anything wrong with him 3. Will put the blame on you. 4. Has mental health/addiction/anger management problems. Your self-esteem is no doubt at a real low point after seven years of abuse. I suggest you move out immediately for the safety and welfare of yourself and your children. Then when you are safely somewhere, see a cousellor/doctor/lawyer and find out what your options are. I seriously doubt this man will ever change because these type of people never think there is anything wrong with them. If you do want to salvage the marriage, you need to send him a letter outlining what you expect from him and go to couples counselling to try and work through his/your/ issues to mend the relationship if at all possible. I wish you all the luck in the world but you MUST put your children first as them seeing you being abused like this will let them know it is acceptable to be an abuser and may repeat this behaviour themselves in adulthood.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (31 May 2011):
 In most cases no, they don't change. However, if someone wants to change for themselves then yes. They have to want to change you cannot make them.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (30 May 2011):
 he has been like this for the 7 years you have known him? he has not bothered to change even though you have now had kids together? google 'safe relationships magazine' download the ebook 'women who love psychopaths' (will cost you about 14 quid but well worth it) this will show you that no, he won't change. out of interest, what was his upbringing like? was his dad the same? men like this capitalise on women that BELIEVE change can be made. he may go to therapy but in a lot of cases it can't be fixed, as it is hard wired into his very being, like asking someone with a mental disability to change that about themselves - it can't be done.
i am sorry i know this is not the answer you wanted, but the fact is that he has been behaving like this towards you and has had not had a conscience that tells him not to, so i do not think you can really affect him with your pleadings for change. staying with him is damaging your kids emotionally. do the right thing by them
x
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 May 2011):
 I don't think talking will help. Action however might. Although, Im not sure there is anything in your power to be done. I believe a man can change their way when put through a shocking experience, life threatening, or at the brink of losing everything they have, and a need to re-invent themselves to survive.
Such as being put through war, having someone very close to them die, or the prospect of losing their children. If you were to divorce, he would not see his children much. Unfortunately, change rarely happens from just the prospect of these things. Which means if you divorce him, and he misses the kids, or goes through shit emotionally because of the divorce, he might change afterwards.
As of right here and now, it is unlikely that he will change, and unlikely that you have any power to change him either. A call to the cops next time he's physically abusive could give him a shocker though.
In the end you also need to think of what is safe, and what is best for you and your children. Children are not happy living with an abusive parent. You might think he directs this at you and not them, but I assure you that when you're not around, they get their share.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (30 May 2011):
 If you tell him, he won't care. He doesn't have to care, you've let him push you around, you've let him use you as his plaything. Stop and find peace for yourself and for your children, away from him.
It isn't impossible for an abusive person to change, with willpower, commitment and a lot of time and professional help. Leave him and get help FOR YOURSELF. If that isn't signal enough for him to start change then nothing will ever change him. Don't look back.
I hope that helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): You can't help him and he won't change.
Whether people can or cannot change is completely irrelevant to your situation, screw hope OP, time to be realistic. He will not change while you are with him as you're his enabler and most likely his trigger too. Now you can leave and he can say he's changed but he'll just revert back to type again after a while.
Abusers don't change because they don't have to. Why would he change? He has no reason to because for 7 years you've put with it and you'll just keep putting up with it. He doesn't have to change because there are no negative consequences for him because you'll never walk away even for the sake of your children.
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A
female
reader, adamantine +, writes (30 May 2011):
 First thing you need to do is protect your children. They need to be out of this environment where the abuse is occurring, as it is far from healthy for them to be around that constantly.
If you accept the fact that this is occurring, you need to accept the fact that some people cannot change for the life of them. Remove yourself and your babies from this home. Contact your close family or friends and see if you can find some other accommodation. Then and only then, I suggest to try and get your husband the help he needs. Don't let him treat you like this any longer.
If he has been physically abusing you, you are able to contact the police and file a report. It is not okay to hit another person, no matter what his thinking patterns are. No one deserves that.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 May 2011):
In my opinion - no.
Worryingly, you're staying around even though your children are present, and that's putting them in danger, OP. If in 7 years, this man hasn't made any attempt to change himself, why will he do it now? The answer is he won't.
You owe it to your children to give them a safe, secure house with a happy mum - not a dangerous house where mum is being beating/emotionally abused. I'm sure you don't want those 2 children to end up with a dead mum, or wind up psychologically damaged to the point where they become abusers, or they become abused and resent you for not leaving.
Get away from this man.
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A
female
reader, GG96  +, writes (30 May 2011):
I don't know if an abuser can change, but you have kids. Don't risk it. Take your kids and run for the hills!
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A
female
reader, babygirllovej  +, writes (30 May 2011):
 Hello drained,
Anyone can change. But they have to want to change and seek professional help. To change it could take him a couple of years with professional help and only IF he wants to.
So don't have second thoughts about staying. Get out! Seek a women's shelter and contact the police. Get a divorce and get you and your children as far away as possible.
I wouldn't even bother to talk to him. He might get angry and attack you. Just leave.
Good Luck and keep us updated!
Oh and anything you can use as proof he is abusive keep it as evidence!
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