A
female
age
36-40,
*eminChanel
writes:So I've been in a relationship with my gf for about 5 mos. We argue occassionly. Never long lasting arguments though. The relationship is pretty healthy. The only thing is she has her own apartment that she shares with her cousin. Since we've been together, they've had a tough time getting along. So that's when she would spend majority of the time with me at my apartment. I've given her a spare key even gave her space in my closet to keep her belongings. She still gas her apartment so she living with me but not living with me. She even found a job about 5 minutes away from my place. I've asked her, "Why keep the apartment if you are hardly there? It's been 4-5 mos since you've stepped in the place." She never wants to talk about it. I never know when an ideal time is to bring up the topic. Now today, we both go into work. She gets off way earlier than I do. She hanging out with some friends. Then she said, "We might come back over here." Tell me if I'm being an ass if I feel that she should take them back to her place or stay at their place. It's my place and she's having company and I'm at work. I told her this and she's thinking it's a trust issue. When really it's a 'you think you can have company at someone else's place when you have a place of your own' issue. What do you think? If it makes a difference, thus is the first time she's done this so we never had to have this talk prior to this.
View related questions:
at work, cousin Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, GeminChanel +, writes (3 June 2011):
GeminChanel is verified as being by the original poster of the question Tisha t whew that was deep. I wasn't even thinking about it like that. I am already half way out the door. I don't really see anything going beyond this. It just isn't looking good for us.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2011):
 Sorry I'm late for the conversation but go get a credit and police report on her. Something's fishy about this. She's asking for a lot from a very short term (so far) relationship, which is a red flag for me. You might as well know what you are dealing with, at least from the credit agency's point of view. She may be a victim of circumstance but generally people put themselves into their own circumstance. (This comment applies to you as well..... :/)
Check her out and then you can proceed, having crossed that worry off your list.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 June 2011):
 Uhh, where is her CC?? Does she even have a bank account? Hell, in this day and age if there's no bank account, one can take money and fill a prepaid debit card.
There is absolutely NO REASON in the known universe for her to ever ask for your CC info. She's thinking up ways to get it from you. Do you know how bad someone's credit has to be to not be able to get a bank account or credit card? If she's flirting with eviction with her apartment, she's got no business getting a hotel room. Doesn't even make sense!
Her response is the most telling. "I'm your girlfriend not just some random bitch on the street". RUN AWAY from her. Break up now. End this scam of hers once and for all. This is bad, bad, bad.
I'm not saying that all people with less than stellar credit are bad news. But people who guilt, pressure, and push you to provide for them financially from the start are really bad news. You give her your CC, and it will be a matter of time before she starts asking all the time.
Not only that, but you open up any detail of your financial info, and you open yourself to fraud. I personally have known someone who had given her boyfriend CC info to buy something online, and he not only used it way more than he should have, but mined her personal info and opened another CC in her name with him as a secondary name, had it secretly sent to him, and ran it up to the max. Her credit was ruined. Altogether he charged almost $20,000 that she didn't know about.
I am with you - no one's finances should ever combine until marriage. I'm talking about joint CC's, joint bank accounts, joint anything.
...............................
A
female
reader, GeminChanel +, writes (3 June 2011):
GeminChanel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChigirl I tried to get through to her. Telling her that I don't take my cc info, car insurance, even living arrangement lightly and I would want to get some yearly stability and/or marriage before I start bringing finances into it. Her response, "I'm your girlfriend not some random bitch on the street." what she doesn't understand is that it's only been 5 months. I can get tired of her tomorrow so finances being brought up so early in the relationship is a sure way to have the feelings go south.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 June 2011):
 You could try to have a stern talk with her so the message is getting through. Tell her for example that you will not co-sign anything, give out your financial information, do anything joint financially with her, as that is preserved for marriage.
After getting financially ripped off I hold this exact policy. I will not share my finances at any level with anyone at all, unless Im married to the person. It is a very special thing to do, it's a delicate area that can easily destroy a relationship, and it includes so much more than trust and love. Treat your money like your bank would. Treat her financially like you'd treat any random stranger on the street. If she asks for a dollar for coffee, sure, give her. But if she wants to co-sign things with you you better do like the bank and ask for some sort of insurance and have the paper-work ready.
Don't mix money with a relationship. Just tell her that that is your policy, for her not to take it personal, but you will not mix money with relationship unless you're married.
...............................
A
female
reader, GeminChanel +, writes (2 June 2011):
GeminChanel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo maybe this won't work out. Now she's wanting to get a hotel room so she can be close to this program for a job. And she asked if I can use my cc info for the reservation, but she'll pay. What is it with this girl and my cc info? She assumed that if it wasn't for a car rental that it would be different. She's not understanding that I don't want to do anything with her financially. She comes up with different ideas to do things but she always needs help doing it. My mom always says, 'if u need someone to help u get something, that means it wasn't meant to be right now.'
...............................
A
female
reader, GeminChanel +, writes (2 June 2011):
GeminChanel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes! Lol that's exactly it. Both of you have hit the nail on the head. I told her to tone it down with the big decision making especially if she's trying to involve me in them. I don't want to have any of my finances or my good name to be in a damper b/c of a relationship. Marriage is the only way finances and other important decisions should be discussed. Idk if we'll be married with kids and the picket fence, but I'll have fun as long as I can. I told her I want to continue getting to know her and shit rainbows. Lol
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 June 2011):
Five months? That is way too new to talk about living together. And you said she almost got evicted? She has money issues. You're right - you don't want someone that you have to support financially right away.
And DO NOT cosign for her. You have no business giving out your CC or car insurance issue for a rental. You do realize that if you get closer to her financially, your credit and good name will be wrecked. The number two reason for divorce is money issues. Don't discount this red flag.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (1 June 2011):
I understand what you meant. And it is logical, as an independent person, you want another independent person to be with, otherwise you'd feel trapped. A person who leans more on the controlling side would love a dependent girl, someone who needs him to take care of her and wont do anything without permission.
You on the other hand don't feel comfortable with that, as you will feel exploited and used. I understand you well, I am the same way. I've taken on me the problems of my partners in the past, and it is not a good thing. People need to sort themselves out.
However, if she's not an independent person who is used to doing things on her own.. she likely wont ever be that sort of person either. If she relies on you too fast and too easily, she will do it again and again, because it lies in her nature to do so. You can't teach people these things, it's either something they learned growing up or not. It takes around 20 years to learn one way to live life, and I'd reckon it takes longer to make a person change their ways.
You just need to decide how much of this you are willing to accept, because you'll have to give in at one point or another if you want to be with her. I don't think she'll change, people rarely do.
...............................
A
female
reader, GeminChanel +, writes (1 June 2011):
GeminChanel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I say support, of course I'll be there for the good times and bad times. I just meant I'm not gonna solve all her problems for her. The point of having a gf or bf is to add to the happiness that you already have. Not to take care of you. You know?
...............................
A
female
reader, GeminChanel +, writes (1 June 2011):
GeminChanel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo...I finally told my gf my feeling about the whole situation. This was discussed after she asked if I could rent a car with her. Not for a road trip, but I weekly thing so she can get around. Understandable right? Yea I know, but I'm not ready for anymore serious decisions with her. It's only been 5 mos and we already been through an eviction scare (her apartment), her claiming territory that isn't even half way her's (inviting friends over without my consent and when I'm not home and bringing more than a guest/visitor needs to bring to someone house), and now needing me to put my name on a rental with my cc info and car insurance info. I can't take anymore serious decisions. Like, I'm tired of feeling sorry and bad about what I believe in. I don't want all her problems to become mine. I dont do it to her so I expect the same gratitude and respect. I can see if we were dating for years. But it's only been 5 mos and I want a lasting relationship with her. I want to take thingsca little slower. So I told her just that and she cried a little bit, but she understands. I felt pretty bad, because after I said all that was on my mind she looked like, 'what am supposed to do now?' and thats what I don't want. A dependent gf who relies on my for everything; shelter, transportation, and support. I usually go for girls that have their shit together or and independent woman that holds her own in tough times. I'm that person. I'm not shitting money but I'd rather starve and get my money before I ask for help. And of course, everyone is not me, but I can't make everyones problems my own. I'm struggling too and I got to make sure I'm getting my shit together before I fix someone else's problem. That just how ivevalways been I depend on myself and noone else. If someone offers to help I appreciate it but I try to get done solo before I accept. I want that in a gf too. After saying everything I felt like all the weight was lifted off my shoulders. So she knows I'm not ready for live-in gf and that I want us to go go bit slower when it comes to our relationship and calming down with the big decision making.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): You're welcome. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, GeminChanel +, writes (31 May 2011):
GeminChanel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks that why I felt the way I felt.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): It's not a lack of trust but a lack of common courtesy. It is extremely rude to invite others to someone else's home, especially when the home owner isn't there.
Once again I agree with YouWish in that this breech of etiquette is only part of the larger issue. You may not be ready for her to move in.
Not to mention the fact that until you both iron out some formal arrangement, what you have is a guest. And guests don't pay half the rent, half the utilities, buy half the groceries, or do half the housework.
This can't wait until she's ready to talk about it. Your girlfriend is gradually claiming a stake in your territory. She's gotten herself a job close by and now she's inviting her friends over.
...............................
A
female
reader, GeminChanel +, writes (31 May 2011):
GeminChanel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd while I'm being completely honest about the situation. I came at her with intended anger. I was angry because I told her that I was ready and a few days later she said she was keeping her apartment. So I looked at it as if it was still ''my" apartment and she is just visiting. She doesn't look at it that way. But I was basically angry and I said I think it'll be better for her to stay at her friend's or take the friend to her house. So I was being an ass. I guess I had to hear what others thought of the situation before I felt too bad about my take on things. Thanks again!
...............................
A
female
reader, GeminChanel +, writes (30 May 2011):
GeminChanel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank u I can definitely see it from both point of views.
...............................
A
female
reader, GeminChanel +, writes (30 May 2011):
GeminChanel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell now it's kind of hard to just take the key back. Now she doesn't have a car and her job is literally 5 minutes away from my place. Her friends dint live too far from there either. She usually goes over their place. I just don't know why she can't just do that today or even go to her place with them. They have means of transportation. I told her that I wasn't ready before and she was very upset about it. When I changed my mind it was because it started feeling like the norm. I sleep with her in my bed, I wake up with her right next to me. Cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It just felt normal. Then I said, "Okay, I feel like I'm ready for us to live together. You're always over here anyways. Lets do it!" it wasn't until later on that she finally told me she was gonna just keep her apartment. We didn't really have that much of a discussion about living together or not.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 May 2011):
This issue is pretty simple. You aren't ready for her to live with you yet. You said that she was "forcing" herself into your apartment and you got used to it.
This isn't about her inviting people to your place. This is about you not being ready to "join households". You need to get your key back from her and tell her that you're not ready to live together yet.
Otherwise, what you're saying by giving her the key and making space for her that your apartment is now hers as well. This means that you can't think in terms of "mine and hers", but "ours".
Hey - it's okay not to want to live together. It's not the logical essential next step in a relationship. It's simply a choice that many people make for a variety of reasons. Personally, I didn't want to live together with anyone until I got married to them, but that was my personal choice.
Get the key back, tell her that you aren't ready, and then this won't happen. Otherwise, if you're ready, then put her on your lease, arrange for how expenses are handled between the two of you, and then you're set. Stand up for what you really want. If you don't want to live together, then don't. Don't make the suggestion unless you want to go all in with her.
...............................
A
female
reader, GeminChanel +, writes (30 May 2011):
GeminChanel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyea i totally get what your saying. i'm just confused as to what she wants. if she says she wants to keep her apartment then i think she should go there. i wasn't interested in having her live with me before (in the beginning). it actually didn't lead to an argument. it was just a conversation and it was done. i just felt a little bad afterwards. in the beginning she was forcing herself into my apartment. i became accustom to it and thats when i eased up a little. her friends never came over nor did mine. when we wanted to see our friends we'd go out and see them. one day i just asked why keep her place if she's always here.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (30 May 2011):
You need to decide what you want. One minute you're asking her to move in with you, and she practically is, with your blessing. Next you tell her to get back to her own place, how dare she act as if she lives at YOUR place?
It's not a matter of her being rude or not. It's a matter of you needing to make up your mind. If you want her to live with you, and you have opened up your home to her, invited her to live there, given her a key... well then you need to allow her live there as well.
Or, tell her that you're not ready to live together, as you can't be bothered to have her come and go as she pleases, or her bringing her friends. Decide what you want. She can sleep at your place temporarily, but you're not ready to have her stay as a permanent arrangement, meaning she will have to treat her old home like her home, and treat your place like your place.
But yeah, if you actually want to live with her you should have embraced this behaviour from her instead if causing a fight over it. She showed you that she felt comfortable enough with you and living with you, considering your apartment like hers as well, as if she was living there. Now, if you DIDN'T want her to live with you this would be a problem... but you DO want her to live with you. So why do you get so angry about this when she acts like she lives there... isn't that exactly what you wanted?
I'm afraid you've pushed her off the thought of living with you now. So... try to talk to her again about how your living arrangement is going to be. But, if you want her there, you need to let her treat it as her home as well. Not yours alone.
...............................
|
