A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi cupid,I am in a really hard situation. ok my best friend and I are really close we do everything together. I am 16 and she is 17. I really don't have much of a family of my own my dad left us and my mum spends more time at the pub getting drunk than at home. Once i didnt c her for bout 2 weeks. anyway thats why my friend lets me stay at her house all the time.About 5 months ago i waz there at her place and i needed a drink so i got up and her father lets call him Jim was in the kitchen, he said he couldnt sleep. me and him stayed up for a few hours talkin and that was it. We have heaps in common and stuff and he is really good looking he is older (44). anyway he and i started to have our mid night talks more nd more. then i sent him a txt message and we started messigin.Now 3 months later we have been seeing each other. i feel bad for his wife but she cant make him happy. anyway we have been having sex and stuff he was my first, he meets me at hotels and then otehr times when i am staying at my friends house we wait til everyone goes to bed and do it there. he says he loves me but cant leave coz he dont want to upset his daughteri am really worried now that my best friend will not be happy and i will loose our friendship but i want to be honest about this situation and i want people to know.what do you think i should do?
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male
reader, tamperingtampaguy  +, writes (17 September 2014):
My advice to you, would be to concentrate on your English skills. Get tutoring if you must.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2012): This is scary as im like the friend in this situation. As everything you said there is the same for me my dads 44 and my friends 16 im 17 and they seem close, they always stair at each other and i found her all over him one night in his room i went mad also i found msgs on fb from my dad to her.
They act really strange and i done a voice record as i just wanted to know if annything was going on, i got the sofa repeatingly making dirty sounds and my dad said 'dont worry shes not coming' and more.:(
I said to my dad about it and he was saying its all in my head and moaning and i said 'if u done it you dont care about me at all' he was like 'yeah'he also said my mates aint staying anymore and all of a sudden hes asked if shes staying hmmm.... (there are more things happened too much)
And my friend has not spoke to me for 5 days im not sure if its guilt or what.
But stop it trust me its killing me thinking my friend and dad are doing it and im not 100% sure, just think how she would feel as well as wife, its wrong! wrong! :(
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A
female
reader, Rob-x-x-x +, writes (1 January 2010):
this man is a paedophile. firstly, he is using you to have sex with him. secondly, he is using his daughter (who just so happens to be your best friend) to make you both feel guilty for wanting to run off together (which ain't gonna happen, hes using you)and thirdly, dont go round your friends house anymore and if you do, dont go downstairs for sex. ITS WRONG! just imagine how your friend would feel if she found out.
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A
female
reader, Aeval  +, writes (31 May 2008):
 I know you must feel very confused at the moment. I think it would be best for you to talk to an adult. Someone away from this family that you trust and not involved in the situation.
What is happening is not right, you seem to be a nice girl who has made a bad choice. Having said that, this man is 44 and should know better. Try not to beat yourself up too much, we ALL made mistakes when we were younger.
I wish you the very best of luck.
XX
Av
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): Of course they won't be happy. Use a bit of common sense here!! You'll destroy a family situation and turn it into a similar situation to your own.
He's probably going through a mid-life crisis. He's probably due for one anyway.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): Your friend certainly will not be happy, yikes. If the wife finds out, they will most definitely separate. If they separate your friend will have you to blame for it, because you just weren't thinking. Everyone makes mistakes, it's unfortunate someone else will pay for it. I do feel you're a victim also, it's not your fault you don't have better role models, but... this man is clearly using you. He's 44 for chrissakes, he's at a totally different stage of his life, he's not enamoured with you in any way, other than for sex. I wish you the best, but this doesn't end well. I'm sorry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): Its not rape guys - lets be fair, shes a willing party.At no point has she said she didnt want it nor does she mention ending this 'thing' they have. I find it astonishing that she clearly sees no wrong in their actions and no care for the 'best friend' and wife.
Truth is, its all going to end in tears
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle +, writes (29 May 2008):
 I don;t want to get too "Freudian" here - but I suspect you are drawn to this older man who is in a power position because of some deep seeded need for your own Daddy...you're trying to fill some hole in your heart and think his way of "loving you" will do it...it won't. He is manipulating you and taking advantage of someone in a weak position - you are young, emotionally connected to his daughter, have no real parent figure to intervene - you were an easy target!The other aunts are right - he is using you for sex and to feel good about himself. He's a real piece of work and you should stay away!! Please seek help around this - this is a situation that can only lead to negative things and which will potentially impact on your whole future!! Talk to a counsellor or a teacher you trust...you need support to deal with this but you MUST stop this relationship now - for your sake most importantly, for your friends and for his wife's!
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A
female
reader, M! +, writes (29 May 2008):
 what are you doing?
this is rape.
how can you not know that?
stop seeing him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): I understand that dearcupid is a site of support and advice... but you are 16 years old and he is 44, this is nothing short of rape... why isn't anyone saying this?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): Its funny because Im sure that he has told you that his wife does not please him, that you are the most amazing person he has ever met, that he never has sex with his wife anymore, that she doesnt understand him etc etc and you have bought all that - at the end of the day you are a younger women that isn't going to tell his wife what he is up to so he can have his cake and eat it - OF COURSE HE LIKES YOU MORE! He likes that he can flood you with flattery and you hang on his every word.
I have been in your situation except the guy was not married to his women and didn't have children but they did live together - i bought that he was sleeping in the spare room, that they wernt having sex and that he loved me too, then when it came to the crunch and I had been 'the bit on the side' (exactly what you are) for well over 12 months, I thought sod this if he loves me he can be with me and I told his partner what was going on. Amongst other things I came out the baddy, lost alot of my family for letting it go on and guess what he stood there and chose her and they are together to this day. So stop being stupid, he doesnt love you, if you werent around the relationship with his wife would be dandy - and when all this comes out you will certainly lose your best friend.(some friend you are by the way) The best thing you can do to stop your friend getting hurt if you care about her, is distance the friendship, stop having sex with her dad and fade into the background, slowly dissapearing - thats the only way the wife wont find out and the easiest way to let this one go.
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (29 May 2008):
 Hi Hunny
He is not doing the right thing by anyone here sweetheart you are 16 he is 44 married and his daughter is your best friend..The family have taken you in because of your situation at home and he is using you for sex..This is your first time hunny and he has taken your virginity without a thought to you. And being his daughters best friend you would have thought that your wellfare and vunerability in your current situation at home would have been this mans main consern...I was in a similar situation to you at 15 but there was absolutly no sex taking place there, I used to live at my friends house over the summer and one night she had gone out with her mother and I was upstairs the father who I new very well they were all like my family came into the bedroom and came on to me...I was scared to death it changed everything for me as soon as he finally disappeared so did I and my friend never new what happened as I couldnt hurt her or her mother whom I cared very much about. But I never went to stay there again...He is so in the wrong here hunny, You had no one apart from your friend who took care of you. Her family must have known of your situation at home..You were vunerable you started talking with him and someone older was taking notice of you and you gain trust in him and it leads to this, Its not going anywere he is not going to up and leave his family hunny...He doesnt want to upset his daughter well its going to happen, And thats just an excuse him saying this as far as Im concerned as he would never have done this in the first place..Yes his poor wife should no its terrible what he is doing...You may loose your friend hunny but I would not go back to him at all..Your 16 so legally he cant get in trouble, Im sorry hunny but I really would keep away from him..TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (29 May 2008):
 "i am really worried now that my best friend will not be happy"
No Sh*T Shirlock.
how would you feel if one of your best male friends was banging your mum?
if this guy was single... Maybe. MAYBE.
but he's married. i don't care how misrible his wife makes him.
#1. How can you do this to your "Friend" .. does the word Friend not mean anything to you? because by the looks of it, she don't mean crap to you.
#2. uh.. HE'S MARRIED. you're knowen as a home wrecker. which means if his wife finds out. they will probably end up with a divorce.
At which point you have to tell your friend.. " i'm ssorry your parents are getting a divorce.. its because i was screwing your dad"
I suggest you cut off all times and think about your friend and your morals for a change.
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A
female
reader, xxxxxhotstuffxxxxx +, writes (29 May 2008):
Your are 16 years old. Be sensible. You know you are doing the wrong thing. Have you ever considered the consequences that your actions can have. You could ruin the great friendship between you and your friend. You could ruin the relationship this man has with his wife. You could wreck this whole family. Do you know what your friend will go through if she finds out. At least think of her and all the times that she has helped you. Do you want to repay her back like this?? What you are doing is wrong. Get out of the situation as quick as possible. Right now you are feeling unloved and uncared for because of your parents which is why you are enjoying the attention and time that this man is giving you. And as for this man, he is clearly using you and taking advantage of your state. Please listen to me and tell him to stop right this instance. Just leave it altogather and then think of it as the past. Nobody should find out about this. If any of the family finds out their life could be turned upside down. This is not a case of being honest as honesty here will only hurt people. Just leave it and forget about it. If this man continues to harass you, you have only one option left leave this family altogather and spend more time at your own house but by all means stay friends with your friend, just stay away from the father. Please listen to my advice. I hope it helped. Lots of love xxx.
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A
female
reader, Queeny  +, writes (29 May 2008):
 You know wat, you want people to accept by force but guess wat, majority will never accept it. you have taken advantage of the situation of your parents and made it as an excuse. you have the capacity to make the right decisions even if your parents didn't make the right decision. I don't see as if you are willing to stop this madness instead, you want people to accept!! you don't care about the friendship with your best friend either so just don't tell us that you care..
this man is taking advantage of your naivity.. he is using you because you are young and tender... he makes you feel that he cares and lies to you that he's not interested with his wife... deal with this, he most likely loves his dear wife very much just that his scrupulous thoughts have become action when he met you. from the description you gave.. "he is very goodlooking" you probably have been leading him on. i don't buy it that you feel bad for his wife, you should feel sorry for yourself instead..
Make the right choices to change the situation you were brought up in, a coward father and a hopeless mother... you think about this if you want this to happen to your family in future (if yu hope for one).. you should not escape by indulging in such relationships. In your heart.. i believe there is something telling you that what you are doing is NOT RIGHT... as i can only echo this to you, this shall come back to you someday and you may end up in a worse situation than your parents.. you shall not be able to wish time back to make the right decisions. if you have heard of this "Till death do us apart" in a marriage vow.. you shall not dare get between two married people. if you break that marriage.. you shall carry the curse described as death(not literal death. get over thoz emotions or wait until experience teaches you... i do wish i could see your future after this if you do not decide to part from this way that you have DECIDED to take..
this man is vile and he will creep into every being of you... he is a paedifile which is a crime in its self. such an asshole will make you believe that he loves you so as to take advantage of you..
you can start over your life again. a life without your parents and the excuse of THEIR choices. do not expect people to sympathise with you... this is the real world.. you need to be strong enough and probably act older than your age and seek wisdom. take care of yourself by taking a different direction that will suit you.. your destiny lies on the palm of your hands.. no one will tell you wat to do as its obvious you make most if not all of your decision being a child... YES A CHILD you are still a child but need to act very mature be your own mother and father, be your own teacher and councel, be your own everthing to make it in this life... above all talk to the guy Up their He will lead you even when you feel helpless. I'm talking about your creator who purposed your being in this life. Just don't waste your life..
Your life is in your hands... we shall nt be there when things become worse and decide to drain yourself with ectasy.. people will just move on and forget you...
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A
female
reader, SadAmber +, writes (29 May 2008):
Aw, your situation is horrible. 16??? 44??? This is not okay. Anonymous is right, he is using you. See, what happened is that you are a teenager who got caught up in a situation driven by your confused desires for a father role figure. The 44 year old man, or let us say manfriend since he certainly is not a boyfriend, knows better to have let an adolescent interact inappropriately with him. This might be a little late, but you need to take responsibility for your actions. What is happening will put manfriend in jail, his wife and children into a state of misery, and NO, your friend will not speak to you anymore. Shame on manfriend. Trust me when I say that you have been had. The unfortunate circumstance here is that you are gullible. Sorry. Rate my post a one, but that will not change how the sh*t is about to hit the fan because of a youth and a pedophiles mistake. Everyones lives around you will seriously fall a part. This whole safety zone you have found with manfriend will be ripped from under your feet.
Step One: Do not go over to your friend's house anymore.
Step Two: Go to a counselor at your school to discuss your home life problems rather than a horny 44 year old man.
Step Three (optional): Tell counselor about what has been going on with manfriend. The counselor will report the incident to the police and the manfriend will go to prison.
Step Four: Find new friends and work on your studies because that will give you a new found control of your life. I know how it is to feel alone; I spent 11 years in the foster system being bounced around. 9 High schools later, I graduated with a 3.5 gpa after a world of F's by addressing my own issues and getting my head into the books.
Step Five: Find a youth center of some sort or try to visit extended family.
Step Six: Do NOT wear provocative clothing. This will bring unwanted attention during you self building phase. Centralize your attention onto becoming a better person absorbed in the bigger picture. After all, you have decades ahead of you that do not include what fantasy you have built in your mind with this manfriend.
Step Seven: Write in a journal and for goodness sake, sleep the 8 hour nights so you are bright and sunny for your school work the next day.
Step Eight: No alcohol, drugs, and horny old men who so happen to look attractive.
Step Nine: Get involved with extracurricular activities that will help you fill that gap of loneliness.
Everything you do now will carry with you for the rest of your life. Make you time count. This is your chance to shine and you have been sidetracked. Step back from the situation, learn and grow, become a better person.
Also, that manfriend's marriage is not healthy. I do not want you growing up thinking that is okay. What he is doing is WRONG on so many levels! Besides the pedophile part, marriage is founded on trust, understanding, love, respect, and HARD WORK. That manfriend is a loser because he is lazy in marriage. Instead of going to a therapist and hashing out his problems with his wife to better his family and his life, he runs away from his problems by having a fling with a confused teenager. This is not respectable behavior. Please know that there are morals in this world that are in place to keep peace and order. Don't you want harmony in your life? You will only find this through morals, the "right thing to do".
Good luck with your problems. You are more than welcome to email me personally if you ever need guidance. A stranger I may be, but I am a person who cares about your future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): he is just using you love as abit on this side. Sex is just sex to him, but I imagine he would rather just stay with his wife.
Plus the age gap may create problems.
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A
male
reader, Devil Spawn  +, writes (29 May 2008):
 Tell his wife and maybe call the police?
Im going to leave this one to the more experianced Aunts.
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