A
male
age
30-35,
*alshie93
writes:I'm asking this question because I don't know what to do.I broke up with my girlfriend about 2 weeks ago now, and it was horrible, we had argued for like 2 weeks before hand and had been together for just over 4 months, short, I know.However, when we broke up I was in complete denial about us not working etc etc, and I took the time to just say yeah okay I agree with breaking up, like I had read on the internet.A week passed and I wrote her a letter saying I agree with her and that, and that if I had a second chance etc it would be different, explained everything wrong my end and just made sure to apologise to anything I did wrong.The letter worked to an extent, she text me and said she really is glad I understand how she felt and that she knows its hard for me....after that we got onto talking about getting back together, and we spoke on the phone etc etc and she had no idea what to do.She is so confused and so we've been talking since then, not lots but occassionally it spills over into talking about getting back together even though she said she is thinking about it.She said she doesnt want to let go of me and cant let go of me, and that she doesnt want a boyfriend but something deep inside wont let me go.I went to see her yesterday afternoon and dropped a drink off at hers when she was unwell, I guess she was surprised because she had wanted to speak the next day in person but I took it upon myself to go and see her yesterday. We got talking and for some reason when she hugged me I went to kiss her and she turned away and even though after that it was fine conversation there was a little thing inside me that nagged at me. She said she missed me and when I said you still want to hold onto me? she said yes.She said over text that night I was wrong to try and kiss her and that there wasnt enough there in her for her to want me to kiss her, she wasnt my girlfriend anymore.I have told her last night on the phone when we spoke, I wont settle for second best and I cant be friends with her if she just says no because its unfair to ask that of me, EX GIRLFRIENDS cannot be friends as well.I love her, it took me a damn long time for me to realise this, but I have never ever tried this hard for a girl like this.She said people are coming up to her saying they we should get back together, so everyone is fighting my corner for me, and no one is saying bad stuff, they can all see I care.When we spoke last night, she said things like on one hand there is something there she cant believe and that she said she wont have time and that to see me all the time and things, but Ive said they are irrelevant things that I can see her at lunchtimes when we meet up and now and then on evenings after college or at weekends, its just coming up to the exam time and that every couple feels like this. When I asked her if she loved me she said her feelings had faded a bit, which sort of through me, but I can understand.She said on the good things though that she doesnt want to let go of me, that going from all this to nothing would be horrible for her and that I am trying to hard for her that its made her stop and think.I have tried so hard to tell her about her doubting things and that sometimes in life you just have to act, she said she had to let someone go once before and it was so hard, and I said then act differently now, change something in your life.What annoys me is that she has these feelings for me like I have said and she is doubting them by overthinking. She wants time to think and that, but when I think about it, I am scared of her just getting over me and her using it as an excuse to not think about it at all but run away.So what I want to ask isWhat is she trying to tell me? Is she actually considering getting back together with me, the letter worked I'm telling the truth and I do love her. I refuse to let her go until I get a NO from her, and then when I do, I will drop out her life because I do not want to be friends, I cannot be friends that suddenly because seeing her move on will hurt so much.I dont know what I can do know. I want her to text me or talk to me and I find she isnt.Should I just not talk to her at all or what? I know its a hard question, but I know people out there ESPECIALLY girls can tell me what this girl is thinking.Its like her feelings say one and her head says another. She says I am still sometimes pressuring her into a decision, and I know I dont mean to but If she really wanted something why would she think about it?So, WHAT DO I DO ?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 December 2010):
 Typical !
You are the ghost boyfriend.
Many girls around your age ( and alas also older and supposedly less immature ) do that. They don't like working without a net.
This girl is just stringing you along, consciously or not I can't say, but she is stringing you along.
She does not want to be in a relationship, or, more probably, she does not want to be in a relationship with you. But she won't release her hold on you.
Why ? lots of stuff. Insecurity. Habit. Security blanket.
Option just in case she feels melancholic or hormonal. Loves the attention and the devotion. It's like she stills
has a boyfriend, she still is the object of your warm feelings, she still feels appreciated, cherished, pursued.
Heady stuff - addictive.BUT , she does not have to treat you like a boyfriend and put in your relationship the time effort and energy that a real boyfriend would require.
Right now, if she wants to pick up and go somewhere with her friends for a week , or just hole up at her place, without ever bothering to touch bases with you- she can, because she is not your gf. But- if she wants companionship compliments have a chat kill some time whatever, hey you are there . Always ready to pick up the phone.
It's a very sweat deal. I understand that she is reluctant to let it go.
You should turn the tables on her, and just move on. First, because you could do with a bit more self respect. Second, because she sounds like the type of girl that , as soon as she Knows you are moving on and maybe dating someone new, will rediscover her undying love for you and
will chase after you like a bloodhound after a scent.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): You've posted so many times asking the same thing. Move on.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 November 2010):
 im afraid she is giving you a very clear sign here that she does not want to be with you, it sounds to me like she doesnt need time she is trying to break it to you gently that she does not want to be with you, what you need to do now is accept that it is over, and she is no longer yours anymore, sure its going to be hard and you are going to need your friends and family around to help you get through it and also to take your mind of things, but its safe to say that this relationship is over and she is trying to spell out to you that she doesnt want to take it slow she just straight out does not want to be with you, so you need to stop fighting for her or else you will push her away further. What you need to do now is concentrate on your own life and becoming happy independandly on your own. Goodluck.
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A
male
reader, walshie93 +, writes (24 November 2010):
walshie93 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I have had an update
She said she isn't using the time to push me away but rather using it to convince herself to give it another go. And that all the little things i'm trying to do now are not helping.
She said she honestly doesnt know what to do and she isnt taking me for granted but if I want to leave it and walk away because I am not happy then its my choice.
She has said she isn't letting anything fade, and that I haven't listened to anything she has said, she doesn't want a boyfriend, she doesn't have time for the committment and everything else, she is saying I don't get it, that I have brushed over it and not taken it into consideration.
She said she will still feel pressured when we just see each other or something because she will know that I want her to be my girlfriend again and a relationship isnt what she wants right now and she cant see when she will want on.
I said to her, we don't need to rush back into a relationship, and she said, she doesn't want one at all so wouldn't it be leading me on, I said so what do you want to do, just go around and meet other lads, and she told me she doesn't want to do that, she just doesn't want that right now.
I said we dont need to be in a relationship to want each other, that aslong as she wants me and I want her, for now its enough taking it slow again.
I still have no idea what to do, I feel sick when she talks to some other boy, I'm scared of losing her
I've lost my cool now, I had it under control when I stopped talking to her, but now it feels so fragile and I don't know what else to say or do, I need some solid advice and steps
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): ~REALITY AS I LIVE IT~
I am You.
Your Ex is My Ex.
You are in love with your ex.
Your ex is still recovering from a matter of the heart.
You want a relationship with your ex.
Your ex is not ready.
The truth is you're not ready either, although you know it is your ex and only your ex who you want to share the rest of your life with...You need time to work on your insecurities...getting control of your emotions...and other aspects of your life before you can really be grounded for a relationship with her...but...you are so scared that she might forget about you if you step away to do this as well as be in the comfort zone that you lived until you met your ex...where you were never co-dependant and enjoyed no one else being up your ass 24-7...suffocation...but ironically you're coming off as not being this way because you are insecure about your ex thinking you don't give a crap just because you don't smother her...
Your ex is not ready...and neither are you...
Don't focus on a relationship with your ex. You are not ready...What good are you to your ex if you are unablke to control your emotions for your ex...and worse yet your ex is not at all ready for an emotional commitment with you...Be your ex's friend and allow her the time to heal without pressure from you.
Love isn't conditional so respect it and not disrepect her needs by pressuring her into making a choice.
~I'm trying myself to practice my own advice here..and..I fucked up with her again tonight...I'm an idiot!~
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): If you love someone set them free. If they come back to you they will always be yours. If they don't come back they will never be yours. This old saying applies to you here my young friend.
Something is telling me that there is no happy ending for this story and that you'll end up getting hurt. You sound like a genuine person and you don't deserve to suffer. If the story happened exactly as you described it then you've done all what you could. The problem is something inside of her that you cannot have control over.
Give her space, big space. If she ever called and asked why don't you contact her try to sound neutral and tell her that you're now friends, and friends don't normally contact each other too frequently. See what that may lead too, and if she gave you a positive sign don't get carried away.
Pain is one beautiful aspect of love. It spices our lives up, but at a certain extent when pain outmatches love per se it is time to call quits.
Be well.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (23 November 2010):
Ok this girl deep down does not want to be with you, not you personally i just dont think she wants to be in a relationship at all at the moment, but at the same time she is stringing you along because she does not want to let you go, you are there for her and she knows that if she tells you that she doesnt want to get back with you then you will disappear and she doesnt want that, she probably wants you in her life as a friend but as you said it doesnt work that way.
Ok what you need to do is give it a time limit, say 2 weeks or a month whatever you can deal with, then call her up and tell her that you are going to give her X amount of time for her to clear her head and think about what she wants, tell her you cant wait around forever so within this time she can clear her head and you will wait but after that if she still cant make up her mind then tell her that it is over as you are not going to accept being strung along and stick to your word.
Within this time limit, you need to both agree not to contact each other AT ALL. I know it is hard but believe me it is for the best its only for a couple of weeks or whatever time limit you decide and believe me she does need that time to sort her head out, but also it will give her a chance to miss you and miss talking to you, if any of you break the no contact rule then it will just go back to square one and you wont be able to resolve it. Goodluck.
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