A
female
age
30-35,
*issLoca
writes:Hi everyone! I've asked two questions before about my relationship with my bf of 4 1/2 years. Well I have another question for everyone. I cheated on my boyfriend twice wit 2 different guys. SHould I tell him? I mean I know if I tell him everything would be over. I don't feel guilty for doing it but I dont feel the urge to do it again. I feel I cheated on my bf because I just started feeling like I wanted to see what it was like to be with another guy. I lost my virginity to my boyfriend so I guess I got curious. I feel less confused and conflicted now that I know what it's like. But I have a friend that tells me I should tell him but I cant picture any of those words coming out of my mouth. Need Help!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2011): If lying about cheating in the past is not wrong, then why not just lie about cheating in the present too?
"It won't happen again" is not an excuse. People don't want partners who only cheat on them once, they want partners who don't cheat on them.
A
female
reader, Little Bunny +, writes (14 September 2011):
Your situation is no different than a spouse in the military or out of town on business that in a weak moment gives in to a one nighter. It doesn't mean you don't love the person you are with. You were at a point where you were worried about what you may be missing. You got your answer and I think a little regret although you deny that. Telling will only damage what you now truly know that you value. No matter what you tell him, he will be suspicious of you for a long time - if he decides to forgive you at all.Those who have never been in this situation think honesty is best. Those who have, know the damage that happens for a moment of bad judgement. Everyone keeps secrets from their significant other-some small things - some huge. If you love him and have learned from your transgression, then keep it to yourself. If not for you or for him, do it for your child.Only God truly forgives and forgets. The rest of us struggle to forgive and never really forget.
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A
female
reader, MissLoca +, writes (9 September 2011):
MissLoca is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Little Bunny lol. I love your advice. I mean I dont feel the need to cheat on him ever again and I've already put that in the past and I'm ready to look forward. Thank you much! Your advice was very much appreciated
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female
reader, Little Bunny +, writes (9 September 2011):
I think you need to decide if he is one the one you want to be with. If that is the case - if you want to keep him -if you will never cheat on him again- if you want him to trust you - if you want your daughter to live with her dad- then DON"T TELL.
Coming clean always sounds good in theory. Really, you are just relieving your guilt. You will do him no favors. He will have a great deal of difficulty getting over something you have put behind you.
Unless you have confessed to someone who may reveal your secret, keep it to yourself.
Forgive yourself and learn from your mistake.
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A
female
reader, MissLoca +, writes (8 September 2011):
MissLoca is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to say thanks to everyone for all the advice it's become very clear on what I need to do. I agree with all of you I know it's the right thing to do. Now I'm just not sure when I will tell him but I think that's inevitable. I just need to work up the courage and be a woman.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (8 September 2011):
 You are only NOT telling him because you are protecting yourself. and that is about as selfish as you can be. Be honest with him, and let him decide the course of his own life and this relationship. You LOST that right the second you cheated on him.
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A
male
reader, J.Gentleman  +, writes (8 September 2011):
 hmmm
Well, the fact that you dont feel guilty about is certainly questionable.
But do you still love him?
I would imagine that most cases a person would cheat on another person would be because thy feel like their partner is not providing something different or needed in the relationship.
I would admit that from my experience, having a girlfriend who cheated on me was bad, but the worse part was she never told me why.
You cheated on him, tell him why, if its him, tell him, if its you, explain its all you.
But I also know of people who keep to themselves. If you still find it in you that you would never cheat again and live happily with him and your child, then from an objective stand point, it wouldnt be fair to him. If you intend to stay with him, do what a number of couples seem to do, allow them to sleep once with the same number of people you slept with.
Whether this is helpful or not, you cannot deny that this simply cant be ignored
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011): You give a bit more of picture in your response.
First off, you have a child.
Secondly, this is a long term relationship, and you have been in it since you were fairly young.
Ignore all the advice on here. Seek out counseling.
You sound like, from your comments about keeping secrets, like you have been either abused or neglected pretty seriously and have severe intimacy problems.
Get professional help, you have a child that is going to have a lot of issues in life if you don't deal with your intimacy problems.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011): Sounds like you are unhappy and have no interest in him. You can love someone and not be inlove anymore. There definitely is a difference. I do believe honesty is key but in your situation I think you should just let him know you are not happy or inlove with him. By you letting him know that you cheated on him I think will make things worse. He will never get over it and throw it in your face later. I think you should be fair and atleast tell him the truth about not being inlove and separate. If you have cheated twice, you will keep cheating because you've gotten away with it and that fact that you can lay up with another guy and not think twice about your bf, then the thrill will keep on. I think Guys find it alot harder to forgive ypu when it comes down to cheating.
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A
female
reader, curiousandconfused +, writes (8 September 2011):
I agree with the majority opinion here. But I have something else to add - even if you did use protection when you cheated on the person you're with, there's still the possiblity of contracting HIV or an STD by exchanging body fluids through oral sex - even deep kissing is a risk if either of you have a sore in your mouth. So it's in my opinion that if you cheat on your partner, you are morally obligated to tell them because it's their life on the line - and then it's their choice whether to stay with you and continue having sex with you. Otherwise you are putting their life at risk.
I know one poster sounded particularly harsh when he wrote "grow up" - and I would have to agree with him. You're a mother now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011): Grow up and tell him or be selfish and don't tell him. Your choice.
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male
reader, walshie93  +, writes (8 September 2011):
 You don't deserve to be with anyone if you cheated in them. You should be ashamed of what you have done.
Once I can understand, but twice? That's unbelievable. You don't have to courage to tell him, so what? You want to keep stringing him along until the next time comes along where you can cheat?
How do you now feel guilty about it? If you were curious, then you should of broken up with him. You can't have your cake and eat it.
Tell your boyfriend and then break up with him. You don't deserve him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 September 2011):
 YouWish was pretty blunt... but was right on target. YOU don't deserve this faithful guy... so feel free to break up with him now.....
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female
reader, MissLoca +, writes (8 September 2011):
MissLoca is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's so hard though because I've been with him for so long. I know that I really did love him with all my heart. I've been there with him through thick and thin untill just recently when i cheated. But I guess my other question is, Can you fall out of love with someone? And I guess a part of me would rather take the chance on him finding out on his own than tell him myself. Yes, believe me I know I sound so selfish and cold-hearted but I just am conflicted. Is it possible that we could stay together and live happily without ever uttering a word about cheating? I mean I understand you completely and I agree with just about everything you've said. At the same time I do know that I do love him because he is the father of my child but on the other hand I do feel it's possible that I'm not necessarily in love with him. Does that make sense? And as far as being curious, I was. I never not once had any sort of attraction to any other guy the entire time I was with my boyfriend until a little after I turned 18. Is it possible I outgrew him? Or that I'm not ready to grow up anymore just yet? And the hardest thing is I know that I should tell him and I agree with you in every aspect as far as breaking up with him but I know that I just can't at least not now. I guess I've just become so good at keeping things to myself that I'm willing to do just that with no remorse, or urge to tell him. And I know that's completely wroong but I'm not sure on how to overcome that
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011): You cheated, others know, you can't control what they do.
The only thing you can do from now on is to control what you can do.
"I cant picture any of those words coming out of my mouth."
First, sit down with yourself, and look in a mirror, and watch it come out of your mouth, and tell yourself what you have done to the other person. Read a bit on it. Be honest with what you have done. This isn't a silly fling sort of thing like kissing someone.
Suggested reading: There are so many books on infidelity that you really need to spend some time online reading and figuring out why you did it.
Second, sit down with your boyfriend and tell him the truth, and make sure that you tell him that it was not his fault, not because of his penis or his looks or his voice or his anything else. Why? Because no matter what you say, he is going to feel ugly, angry, hurt, sad, like he has been shit upon, like he is worthless, like you never cared about him, and a whole lot of other terrible things...that is, unless he is a total asshole himself.
Thirdly, you need to end the relationship, no matter what he says, no matter what you want to do, and stay out of relationships until you figure out why you are cheating and deal with your issues. If you don't, you will go right back to cheating again, and more likely than not will be attracted to men who are not good to you and treat you badly at all sorts of levels.
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female
reader, MissLoca +, writes (8 September 2011):
MissLoca is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou do have a great point but I guess Im still just a little conflicted with what I should do. And I've never cheated on anyone before but I guess I felt it'd be easier to cheat on him then to tell him I don't want him anymore because I want to have sex with someone else. And the two guys that I slept with don't know my boyfriend nor do they care about me so I'm not worried about my boyfriend hearing it from them. And my friend that knows lives in another state and he doesnt know my boyfriend either. Actually, I've never met him before but I do trust him. We've been talking for about 4 months now and I know he has no desire to tell my boyfriend anything. I mean I guess I'm not worried at all about someone telling my boyfriend because I know better than to tell any of my close friends that secret. It's very hard for me to talk to him or anyone else and truly let them in. I usually keep all my feelings and secrets to myself. I dont even tell my boyfriend half the time. It's extremely hard for me to open up especially to people that I care about. I guess it was easy for me to open up to this other friend because he made me feel comfortable in a way as well as I knew he wouldn't tell on me. I guess you can say it was almost like talking to a therapist, someone who was a stranger to you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 September 2011):
 There are three important issues here.
1. If your boyfriend had cheated twice on you, and you loved him, wouldn't you want to know? And, since you know full well that your boyfriend *will* find out about your cheating, would you rather have him hear it from you, or hear it from an outside source, leading you to either have to make the situation worse by lying to him even more than you have, or come clean, leading him to believe that you would have only come clean because you were caught?
2. This is an even bigger issue. You do not love your boyfriend. You could not love your boyfriend if you can hurt and betray him in the worst way possible and "not feel guilty". Do not even think of uttering the words "buy I do love him" because you don't. If you still think of arguing about that fact, let's shoot a hole in your excuse for cheating. I might possibly understand your position if you had just cheated on him once. That in itself would have solved "curiosity". But you did it twice, and with a whole other guy. Face it, if you really loved your boyfriend, you wouldn't have been "confused and conflicted". If you loved him, then all other guys would have paled in comparison to your love for your BF, and you wouldn't have let another guy get near you, much less have his way with you.
3. You should break up with your boyfriend. Do it now. Right now, he is living faithfully to you, and you don't deserve it. You need to set him free, because you do not love him, nor do you appreciate him. To do any less is cowardice, UNLESS you come clean, tell him you cheated, and let him make his own decisions. What gives you the right to trash the relationship because of your own emotional journey? Have you no empathy towards someone you claim to love? You need to grow up, because someone mature and loving would not become "curious" and cheat. They would set their boyfriend free by breaking up with them. Then you can sow your wild oats without betraying someone.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 September 2011):
 You have people who know? That will be your downfall. At one point or another, your boyfriend will find out from this other person (or persons if there are more who know). One evening after some beers, or an argument, or when you fall out with this friend... the ugly truth will come forth. The situation would have been different if you were able to take it with you to the grave, but as soon as others know you are living on borrowed time. He'll find out, maybe not now, maybe not in the next years, but somewhere down the road. If you respected him you shouldn't have felt a need to cheat in the first place, and if you loved him I certainly would think you'd feel regret. If you do not feel regret for what you did then perhaps your boyfriend isn't the one for you anyway. Since you weren't able to stay committed to him, or feel remorse. It's time to face up to it, not necessarily by telling him, but by acknowledging that you and him were through the moment you cheated on him. You heart (no regret) and body (you cheated) knows it. It's time your mind followed along and stopped thinking this relationship is worth hanging on to. End it before he finds out through your friend or someone else. Save him a bit of the heartache. And don't cheat again. If you ever find yourself in a position where you think about cheating, end the current relationship first. You must make a choice when you enter a relationship, a choice to stay faithful. If you can not be faithful then do not enter a relationship as it is not for you, and you will only bring heartache to the person you cheat on. Being cheated on is devastating.
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