A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is long, but if you would be so kind to read and answer, I would be so grateful. You can even just scan the question... I just need some answers. Thanks.I'm confused and I have been quite tearful these past few days. My boyfriend and I have recently had our 1 month anniversary, and I really, really like him. I am certain that he likes me quite a lot, as he often initiates conversations and stuff.Last year and the year before I was involved (well - if you can really call it that... rather 'used') with a guy in his late 20's. I was only 15 years old. I haven't told my boyfriend this, partly because I just want to forget about it, and also because I'm worried he won't take it seriously. He may just be like 'huh... =D ok then!" and the thing is, I really feel horrible about it - if he did that I bet I would break down right there and then in front of him.I met Him at a party in the north of Sicily when I was on holiday. He was actually a friend of a 'friends' family. If that makes sense. We became quite close during that time, and met up frequently just to chat and have fun. Then...when I left we kept in contact for a year and a half, talking almost every day for a few hours at a time. We really liked each other, my 'like' a little more innocent then his I believe. I mean - what was He thinking?! I was 15 and he was 27. It's just not right, and I feel so ashamed now...We were never 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' but we knew that we had a mutual fancy, and we did sometimes act on it. We sometimes said we loved each other, we sometimes even talked about meeting up and going out together in the city. I don't know WHY I thought this was ok. Let me get down to the point. I was in love with Him ok? And it has ruined me. He even went as far as mentioning marriage. He was thinking of marriage - with ME. I'm a very logical person and I just kept telling myself "it's going to be ok, everything is fine". I have never told anyone that He basically proposed, because any normal person would be disgusted that I even considered it. A 27 year old!I spent so much time and effort in Him that now we never talk... I feel as if I've wasted years of my life. It doesn't help ( I know I know, you probably want me to stop being so dramatic, but all of this is just truth and fact - with a little of my emotions mixed in) that his friend wanted to date me too. I think I must have a sign on me that says "desperate: all pervs welcome". I'm trying to break contact with both of them. He is in a relationship now... I just hope the girl he has knows what she's getting herself into.Hmmm... well, anyway - my boyfriend is lovely. He's not perfect I admit - sometimes he isn't very considerate, and sometimes he will only talk about himself and forget to ask about me. But then all of you who read this and are in a relationship know that this often happens and you just work it out together. Also - I admit that I have sometimes been way too oversensitive. For example I will get cross with him if he doesn't talk to me in the morning while at college.So I recently was contacted by His friend, and it brought back all the memories etc etc. I have been feeling down and depressed for 4 days, and I can hardly look - or even talk to my boyfriend now. I feel awful, and I'm always irritable around him. I don't want to be, but what happens is I try to talk to him (and fail miserably I might add) and I get irritated because it just dies...and then he gets irritated because I'm acting irritated. This sounds ridiculously trivial doesn't it? I don't look at him when we're together. I don't talk much, and I act distant - when really all I want is a warm, long hug. =( It sounds easy - but when you've been used and abused for entertainment by a man almost twice your age it's hard. I feel guilty, ashamed and horribly sick with myself. I feel the need to be close and distant at the same time. Today we were with each other for about 15 minutes. No talking. At all. He was the one who kept on coming over to me. HE was the one who occasionally talked even though I hardly answered. I feel so guilty.. it's like I'm stuck in a ditch which only gets harder to get out of.Help me please! If there is anything you need to know more about, just say so and I'll post more up. Thank you, I'm sorry it's terribly long.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI told him about it yesterday. I explained why I had been acting to distant. He got really upset, and started saying that I had been "lieing to me this entire time"! It was horrible! I know it was the right thing to do though, I just wish he hadn't reacted like that...even though he has a right to.
We almost broke up, I think he was standing on the fence, trying to decide whether I was worth it or not. It's one of the most dreadful feelings in the world. I told him that I didn't want to break up with him, because I wanted to persevere and work through it together. I was so relieved because he said he wanted to do the same.
This is going to sound strange, but he actually can't lie. He follows some buddhist rules, and one of which is that he can't lie. I didn't believe him at first, but all the time we've been together, he really hasn't lied at all. He's always been completely honest with me. With that knowledge in hand...I asked him what he would feel if we did break up. He said that he'd be "disappointed". That kind of hurt my feelings...but I appreciated his honesty.
I'm going to start trying very hard to make this relationship work - I want him to feel more for me, like I do him. What I don't understand, is why he asked me out in the first place. I know that I like him very much, but I feel like I'm in a lopsided relationship. When I asked him that, he also said something like 'I'm confused, are you breaking up with me or aren't you?'. So I decided to add a little humor in there and said "no of course not - I'm going to break up with you later when you'll feel absolutely heart broken about losing me ;)".
Well, really you don't need to know all this...but I like telling people about it. I find it hard to talk to my family about these sorts of things. Thanks.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): i had dated a man for four years and broke it off. we had a pretty awful relationship. he cheated on me. but it still haunts me today and reflects in my present relationships. like you mentioned, i get really distance and wont talk. inside, i feel completey empty and lonely when really i just want my current boyfriend to give me a big hug. but, even when he does, i am standoffish. i dont understand or really know how to control this problem. i just feel so wounded from my ex boyfriend. this giant scar is streched across my heart.
this really was not an answer to your question. but hopefully you can find some sense in the fact that you arnt alone.
i always try to use the motto "treat others as you would like to be treated," when i act like that. though it is rather difficult, atleast make the effort. also, try to be as open as possible. maybe you should inform your boyfriend about your past. so he can understand why you may feel like that.
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A
male
reader, walshie93 +, writes (9 December 2010):
 I can safely say, your boyfriend will be getting onto these vibes you are giving off and even worse he will think it is because of something he has done.
My advice to you is firstly, let these two men, I use men because that is what they are. Let these two men know that if they ever contact you again, you will report them to the authorities for unwanted contact. Make sure you make it clear you want NO CONTACT with them. Let your mother know you just had a falling out and that you do not want ANY CONTACT with them.
See the repetition?
Secondly, let yours sister know how you feel, talk to her about it. Let her be there for you.
Thirdly and this is the most important. You need to talk to your boyfriend. You need to let him know this is the reason you have been upset, and you don't need to mention any sexual relations you had with them let him ask then, just make the reason clear and then, hold onto him.
It will rock him slightly, I will assure you of that. But hold on tight to him and he will come around.
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