A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i really need someones help.for more than one year now i have been talking to a man who lives in argentina, we met on xbox and we have done a lot of stuff together. i live in the uk. we keep meaning to meet but problems occur which means we have to put it back. we were boyfriend and girlfriend in september last year but then were just friends from about the start of 2010. i have always loved him and have always wanted him to tell me he loves me to. he used to but hadnt for a long time. since a couple of months we have been arguing quite a bit and when he is angry he says that he has a girlfriend there. that hurts like hell when he says that. however we talk everyday and night so i didnt see how he would have time but he said he had one. also he would say things like he wants me to find someone where i live and that im fat and ugly and other horrible things.i stilled loved him all this time. i started working in a shop and there was someone there that i thought was quite nice and he would always be nice to me. i have been working there about 1 month and a half and last saturday it was our work christmas party and he stayed with me the whole time and brought me a drink and went with me to the bar when i got one. we talked basically all the party together. then the next day i got a text from my friend who is the deputy manager of the shop asking if he could give my number to the guy (lets call him X), i said yes no problem. and then X texted me saying he had a good time at the party with me and that if its ok with me could we go out for some drinks or a meal. i said yes and we went out on monday night after i finished work. we had some cocktails and tapas and then went to play pool, when walking to play pool we held hands and then we kissed when we played pool and then went to a bar for some drinks. i had a really good night with him and he said he had a really good night with me too. he would kiss my head and brush my hair out of my eyes. i really like him.so i talked to the guy in argentina( lets call him Z) and he guessed that i had met someone and said we needed to talk. then he said he never had a girlfriend and that he has loved me all along and that he only said that horrible things because he was angry at me being so far away from him. he was saying for me to stay with him. i have waited for more than one year for him and have always wanted him to tell me he loves me but now he has i dont know how to feel. i dont think i could leave X as i get butterflies when he kisses me and he makes me very happy. we have our next date already planned.but saying goodbye to Z is killing me as i love him so much. he said that i am the only one for him and that i have destroyed him and that he doesnt know what to do and that he was planning for me to go there, which i have always wanted. it took a long time but i left him today but i dont know if i made the right choice. the thought of never talking to him again is so painful that i want to die and i hate myself for hurting him.did i make the wrong choice?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): I've never understood how someone can say they are dating some they have never even met, let alone love them. I think you need to drop the xbox, put it away and get outside.
Meet new people, get a hobby, anything that will improve your life. Having a "boyfriend" who you have never met is, frankly ridiculous to me. I don't want to sound harsh but it's just a fantasy.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 December 2010):
 CindyCares is absolutely right on!
Guy Z is a fantasy. He is not there for you. He put you down, call you names and string you along... sorry, time to put the Xbox away and step into reality. Go on a date with X, who know this REAL guy may be fun, smart, sexy and great all around.
LIVE life now.
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A
male
reader, hermanclausan  +, writes (15 December 2010):
 It's a terrible thing that these later generations only think that they can date only one person at a time.
For one thing a long distance relationship is just that. Lying is very easy when not facing the other person.
My feeling is the Z is playing you like a fiddle.
Play the same game as he, but tell him you are not dating anyone , either. Because he is lying. So play the game or just dump him. One in the flesh is a heck of a lot better than no one to hold at all.
Herm
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 December 2010):
 The best way is to keep it real :
it's ONE day that you've left this guy, at first it may be tough, in time things will change.
Particularly if you refuse to wallow in drama and keep it real : it was never a real relationship , and never a good one beased on mutual trust and respect. "You are fat, you are ugly, I 'va got a girlfriend "- and this in your book would be love ?....You have not lost anything, except a bad habit , very damaging for your self esteem which sounds rather low as it is.
Think about that.
Then, keep busy . Very busy. Instead of idling in front of a computer, go out, go to the gym, volunteer, meet friends, help your mom, dance, read books, take long walks. Get physically tired, and possibly nourish your mind with something more substantial that fantasy Latin lovers.
Also : date the new guy, get to know him and see how it goes. You like him don't you ? He may be a rebound right now, but something tells me he could grow on you sooner than you think. As long as you give him a chance !
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 December 2010):
 he who hesitates is lost.
Z in Argentina had many chances to say he loved you. And the tension has been getting to both of you, hence the arguments.
He could have said earlier that he loved you.
Instead he's called you fat, ugly, and told you to find someone else. And lies to try to hurt a partner are never smart. Z may or may not have or had an occasional girfriend. How could you check the veracity of his remark?
Either way he said it to hurt or unsettle you. That's not kind. Z should not be surprised you are moving on to Y.
You have been so patient with Z.
LDR are so hard on all concerned.
You've known Z for 12 months, but it's not the same as a 24/7 full on face to face relationship with someone you can trust, touch, feel, smell (good i hope!) as well the see, hear you can do with Z
Time will tell, but so far Y sounds like a sweet guy who really is into you. Take it slowly. Ease into a full on real relationship. You may never regret it
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbut how do i get over the pain? it hurts so much. i hate myself for hurting him. i talk to him everyday. i know i will miss him. i cant stand the pain
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): I think you definitely made the right choice by dumping that weird Argentinian guy. He sounds abusive towards you as most of those South Americans/Mexicans can be. The people from that part of the world are mostly criminals and violent and liars. I know because I have dated some, lived around them and heard of many horror stories. Even if the relationship with those people start out seemingly nice, they turn psycho some how.
So I am proud of you for making the right decision!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 December 2010):
Not at all !
These LDR Internet " relationships" are based on fantasy, illusion and wishful thinking 98% of the times anyway.
You can't even find out the truth , if he is single or not ! Did he lie before, does he lie now ? Go figure.
More importantly, I don't care ( and you shouldn't either ! ) about his motivations for disrespecting and putting you down. If he did that because he was angry at you for being so far ( this is the lamest I've ever heard )... who cares, the fact is that HE DID.
Look, you got attached to this mystery guy out of habit and loneliness and unmet emotional needs, he obviously filled a void, and now it's hard to let go.
But hopefully the real guy that you met in real life can fulfill your needs. Give him a chance, it may work out well. And even if it should not, it's always better than wasting months and years over an Argentinian pipe dream !
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): Put simply: No. The right choice would be to stick with X and see where that leads you, though that doesn't mean you can no longer talk to Z.
The thing is, you've built up a relationship that doesn't exist physcially - in fact, it's more of a fairy tale than realistic. You have to be aware that, if neither of you have thousands of dollars(euros, or the like) to spend on a flight from Argentina to the UK, then you two will never meet. To humor you, if you did meet, it'd be one time for a limited amount of days. If you did hit it off and you wanted to go back, you'd have to spend another few thousand dollars (euros, or whatever) just to see him again.
I don't want to put a gash in your dreams, but that is what they should remain - dreams. Z is a character in a love story that seems right because you don't know him. X is the prince charming of your real life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): There is no question - it is better to have a real boyfriend than an internet boyfriend. The online relationship cannot go anywhere. So yes its sad and you feel a bit torn. But actually he had treated you rather cruelly and now you have a boyfriend he is jealous, rather predictable. So no, be happy with your real life guy.
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A
male
reader, walshie93 +, writes (15 December 2010):
 Already coming on here and asking did you make the wrong choice, shows you doubt yourself to be able to make key decisions in life.
What's you should be asking is, did you make the right choice.
In my opinion, I really think you did.
First of all, you have never ever met this guy off the xbox. Not in person anyway, you have spoken and seen each other on webcam maybe, but never have experienced the full body form of that person.
Now first of all, I'm not gonna come on here and bullshit about how I think I know how you feel. I don't. I've never been speaking to someone in an other country who I had never met. But here's the thing, I've been speaking to girls who live about one hundred miles away from me and developed feelings for them but, at the end of that day of emotion, it cannot work.
Just, pause and reflect on what you have said. You have spent so so long talking to this guy, that you have let other things pass you by. It was only when you felt unwanted, that you're subconcious self made you 'open your eyes to the world' that you met this wonderful man, as you make him out to be, at your work.
This is the one you should be putting time into. This other man, in Argentina, he can't love you and you can't love him. Ill tell you now, because you haven't met him...your brain loves the 'image' of him.
If you can't see that person, you tie all the loose ends you have from not seeing him and create another picture in your head. You convince yourself that if you do see him then he will be like that.
If this man claimed her loved you, he would say, hed come and see you, not the other way around. If he claimed he loved you, he wouldn't get angry at you like that, because communication is so fragile without seeing someone in the flesh.
So I've explained what my opinion on it is, I've said some long advice there, but definitely, you have not made the wrong opinion.
Don't speak to him for about a month. Let your feelings for this other guy grow and flourish and then if you miss the friendship with him, then chat again.
Time and space is best for this Argentinian guy. You both have an attatchment there, but you need to cut that attachment now if you want to start being happy and dating others.
Only when you have a new emotional bond with another guy, who may I add is doing all the right things, such as getting your number and asking you out, only when you appreciate what all that is worth, can you then speak to the argentinian guy again.
My bets are after a period of a month or two of not talking, you won't even think twice about him as anything more than a friend.
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