A
female
age
41-50,
*lue_eyes1981
writes:A few months ago I met a man online just chatting he told me right off that he was married and that he and his wife love each other yet they do allow each other to do whatever they wish . Anyway we clicked and we met up we just had our sceond meeting last week on both occasions we slept together last time we spent the whole evening in a hotel. The problem is I am startting to have feelings for him I fully realise that divorce is not and never will be an option and furthermore I would never even consider asking him. But I know how I feel he's kind, sweet, honest and caring. I don't want this to end but I fear getting hurt as I know he will never be mine. What should I do? I have never in my life been in this situation and I have no idea how to handle it anyone? I'm not looking for kindness here just be honest - thank you.
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affair, divorce, married man Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Oregongrl1  +, writes (6 August 2010):
well might i add! someone who says not anyone has ever cared for her this way. tells me she is in alot of trouble and who is also vaunerable to what ever? and that married man knows it they smell them a mile away and also sees it in their actions. better her then me. it's your call to diaster!!!
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 August 2010):
 look carefully.. q is a pink pig and I say no more.
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (5 August 2010):
 Hey, if Q says you're cute, you're cute. Trust me: he don't like no ugly women!
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female
reader, blue_eyes1981 +, writes (3 August 2010):
blue_eyes1981 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I love that he acts like he cares - no man has ever done that for me before no man apart from this guy has ever been interested in me and what I have to say.
In fact no person ever has just this one guy. I'm the product of rape so I should never have been born in the first place I cannot have kids and the one thing I only ever wanted was to be a Mother to give birth to my own child and bring him/her up and people have always hated or been cold/hostile towrads me my whole life so I always feel I am being punished for exisiting.
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female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (3 August 2010):
We all get that you are inlove w/ a fool who has no respect for woman including you! oh and if they see other people? why don't you have his home # or where he lives? i would love to take a wuss like that yea and put him in the middle of women who can'not stand cheaters!! oh boy. just please answer me this one Question! if you can? what is it you love about him? and don't say the sex *hit if it was because of that i would make money doing it!! are you that sad of a person about who you are! and don't think you are worth anything or to anyone. that you have to sell yourself that short. it's makes me ill that you would let a man touch you who is married for one thing and 2 he is a sick pervert who just goes around lying about his wife! you know what if you have no respect for yourself at least have some for another human being his (wife)
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 August 2010):
 Uncle q1605 is absolutely right:
There will be no winners here.
Just varying magnitudes of losers.
Unfortunately, you can't seem to get in our head that you are just being used. He's done this before, hence the secrecy and the fact that he actually KEEPS you out of his life, Why is it so hard for you to move on from that?
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (1 August 2010):
The fact that you're already in pain is reason enough to end this relationship. If you think you're hurting now, imagine how much worse it will be years from now when you realize you've been mislead and eventually abandoned by this man. You already know how this is going to end; why torture yourself and prolong your agony?
He doesn't answer your texts and you don't have his home phone number: does this sound like a man who is in an open marriage?
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female
reader, blue_eyes1981 +, writes (1 August 2010):
blue_eyes1981 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI meant I'm hurting enough being involved with him I can never talk to him unless he comes online - he rarely replies to text messages. I do not have his landline telephone number and I have no idea where he lives. I'm very attached to him I knew that the sceond time I met him.I can't let go of that and it is driving me crazy.
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female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (30 July 2010):
She ask for our help! and then makes the statement she makes! i really think she is enjoying it! im out of this one. let her learn can't say that we didn't try to give her some good advice!!
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female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (28 July 2010):
What do you mean you can't hurt anymore then you already are?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): Blue eyes, how about looking at this with Open eyes. so do you still sleep with your kind, gentle married man? i am sure he is not so kind and gentle to his wife if he is having sex with you. how sure are you that he is in an open marriage? then call his wife and tell her. what are you afraid of? that he has bullshitted you with sweet words? bleu eyes, you need to love yourself to walk away. being some married mans lover and accepting it becuase you are lonely and insecure is not the answer to your issues. please re consider. why settle as second best. this cheating *astard is playing to your insecuries and he has the best of both worlds. i think you have read enough on DC to know how you will end up. STOP before it is too late. and believe me , it is not too late. beauty comes from within and a married man does not make you look and feel beautiful. he will make you end up hating youself. look yourself enough to stop this destructive relationship.
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female
reader, blue_eyes1981 +, writes (28 July 2010):
blue_eyes1981 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCan't really hurt any more than I already am.
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male
reader, Mr. Smith +, writes (28 July 2010):
YES you will get hurt.... the first thing is that you do not go around sleeping with married men. Have some respect. And since you already served him as his whore... I honestly think this will stay with you the rest of your life.
Leave him and find or at least try to find someone that is willing to put up with a woman like you.
RESPECT YOURSELF!!!!!
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female
reader, Cheeks +, writes (27 July 2010):
 Don't do it! He's using you! Of course you're going to get hurt! He told right from the start that he's devoted to his WIFE & won't leave her. He's such a "sweet & caring guy"- yeah right. How sweet & caring is he going to be to you when she finds out your sleeping with him? He won't be so nice then. He will treat you like trash & throw you away to make her happy because she's who's important to him. You are his distraction at best but she is his partner. So back off & avoid the humiliation & heartache you will surely feel down the line.
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female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (25 July 2010):
 Your insecurity is driving you to settle for a sub-standard relationship because you have already convinced yourself that you cannot get something better. You have told yourself (and us) that you are not cute, or slim enough or capable of finding a good man. But honey, that's a lie and you have to quit telling yourself this crap, because you honestly believe it's true! Look around, I see fat, ugly women with men all the time. Now how is that possible if what you believe is true? You're shy, okay that's not a big deal. You just need to surround yourself with friends who are not, then hang out with them; they'll drag you out dancing, they'll take you to museums, wine tastings, karokee and by golly while you're out there having a blast, you'll meet a great, SINGLE man who's looking for a woman just like you. And P.S. The photo you posted (is that you?) looks lovely. Don't sell yourself short. This guy saw an "opportunity" when he picked you. He has already fgured out that you're shy and insecure, the perfect target for a fling. End it now and don't look back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): Why would you wait for him to end it? You'll feel alot better telling him to take a hike, that you figured him out as a liar and a cheater. You don't have to make it ugly.. just short and sweet, over the phone or something. He doesn't care about you anyway, because he's using you, and he probably has done that to a few others beside you. A simple "it's over" is good enough for him.. he doesn't need or deserve anything more than that.
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female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (23 July 2010):
Again seeing a married man is trouble! and how would you like if the tables wer'e reversed. and someone was sleeping w/ your husband? and don't sale yourself so short or use that as an excuse, your so shy so you see a married man?
do they have kids? i really don't get it.
Respectfully:
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (23 July 2010):
You may not believe this, but you deserve so much more than what this man is offering you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, so stop with the negative self-talk! You've probably said far crueler things to yourself than anyone else ever has, and it's time for you to stop beating yourself up.
You are wonderful.
You are beautiful.
You are worthy of love.
You are not broken or flawed; you are absolutely perfect as you are!
Work on learning to love yourself and get the confidence to start living rather than just existing. Having a low self-esteem makes you a magnet for liars and users, and this quite possibly includes this married man. When you feel better, you will attract better people into your life. The love you want and deserve is just around the corner; don't give up and settle for being second-best.
XOXO
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female
reader, blue_eyes1981 +, writes (23 July 2010):
blue_eyes1981 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have asked myself if it is true what he tells me and quite honestly I don't know. I only know how I feel when I'm with him. I've never been very sociable I'm not the type of woman who can meet a man very easily. I'm very shy and quiet when a man does pay me any attention I always wonder why me - so yes I'm insecure. As for getting a reputation I don't know anybody anyway never really had any friends and I live in a street where neighbours keep themselves to themselves. I'm not even pretty I'm certainly not slim and tall or anything men want so I have no idea why this man seems to like me. I didn't go looking for a married man but I do feel awful and when he ends it I'll have my heart broken as every other man I have known has broken it in some way. I know this.
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female
reader, karen1989 +, writes (22 July 2010):
 Are you sure the wife knows about this? Just because he says she does doesnt mean its the truth,you met him through the internet not that long ago therefore you havent known him long enough to know if hes a liar or not.
Hes probably doing the same thing with other woman hes met through the internet. Goshh that poor wife of his!
Yes you will get hurt, his wife is always going to come first your probably just another woman hes met on the internet to him. Sorry to be blunt. Nothing serious will come of you and him which your aware of anyway! Don't stick around if your developing feelings, you shouldnt be doing what your doing with him anyway-hes a married man.
Its morally wrong. Put yourself in his wife's shoes thats all i'm saying.
Its up to you where you go with this,but i wish you luck :)
Karen.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): How can you do this to this poor woman? How can you participate in ruining someone else's marriage? The selfishness just disgusts me. You have no idea his wife is allowing this, only his word.. and from the two times you've met him and all you've done is have sex... well do you honestly think you've built up enough of a bond with this man to be able to trust what he says?
Google Sandra Bullock - read about her marriage. Read about her heartbreak and how she felt when she found out her husband was telling women they'd broken up. The reasons you're doing what you're doing can't possibly outweigh the everlasting damage you're creating in others' lives.
I know people say to blame the one that's cheating.. but I have just as little respect for the third party (in this case YOU) who is willingly going along with this.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 July 2010):
I'm glad you're not looking for kindness. But I will try to be anyway, just because you're trying to sort this mess out.
The simple fact about married men, is that they rarely care about mistresses. You say he's kind, sweet honest, and caring. I say he's a liar, a cheat, dishonest and doesn't' give a damn about anyone but himself.
There's another reason, perhaps even more important. Your reputation. This is the sort of thing that can come out. And the moment it does, you'll be avoided. The really decent guys will avoid you like the plague, because you'll be seen as someone who might cheat. Female friends will run because they'll think that you'll steal husbands and boyfriends.
Also, do you want children? Won't happen with this guy.
In short, end it. You'll wreck a marriage, lose friends, never get a decent boyfriend and damage your chances of having kids and a happy life. Misery is where this will end.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): 'Will I get hurt having an affair with a married man?'
Most definately. I have been through it and would advise you not to go there, it's nothing but heartache and dissapointment. It will destroy you as a person. Once you fall in love with him you will hang on waiting for him when it's never going to happen, because he tells you that he loves and cares for you so there is always a glimmer of hope that you cling onto that someday he will realise he loves you too much to let you go...
No it won't happen and you will be left a shadow of your former self and he will carry on his life with his wife as if nothing has happened, he hasn't lost anything but you've lost everything.
I know you will do what you want because that's what I did, I came here asking for advice and was given good/truthful advice that I should have listened to. I hope you are stronger than me and put a stop to it before you get in too deep, and if not then good luck...it's a life nobody should live.
Take Care xxx
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female
reader, Myrrh +, writes (22 July 2010):
 Hello. Its a no win situation for you really. If hes telling the truth about having an open marriage...and thats a big IF because i think hes lying to you...what can you possibly hope to gain by sleeping with a married man who loves his wife? And if he is lying to you and cheating on his wife, you can bet your bottom dollar you arent his first or the only one hes doing this with. And when he gets caught, as he will. He will probably promise to mend his ways and drop any women he has on the side.
I think you should start from the top, before you get in too deep. Dont forewarn him, just ask him to call the wife next time you are with him. Say hi to her and confirm they have an open marriage. If he refuses to call her and makes excuses, then hes been lying to you. Hes a player and not worth worrying about. He may be nice, charming, a good talker. But most cheats are. Thats how they talk people into bed.
Ask to speak to his wife.
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female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (22 July 2010):
 Sorry Hun, but all this man wants is the excitement of illicit sex... I bet his wife has NO IDEA what he is doing.
He will not leave his wife, and dont be fooled, you are probably one of many women he has met over the internet and has sex with.
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female
reader, maxxie +, writes (22 July 2010):
 don't tear down someone elses marriage. nuff said
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): It's a terrible idea, and unless he introduces you to his wife, and she tells you she allows him to have affairs on the side, he's most likely lying to you, just to sucker you in. He'll cheat on you too, one day, if he leaves her for you, because if he'll cheat on his wife, he'll cheat on anyone that comes along.
He's insulting your intelligence by thinking you won't mind when he tries to use you to give him what he feels his wife isn't giving him. Give him a taste of his own medicine by telling him you found someone who makes you feel way more satisfied than you feel when you're with him. When you see his frown, remember that's how he makes his wife feel, and he doesn't care at all.
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female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (22 July 2010):
Are you sure his wife approves? or is that what he is telling you. my concern would be that you have your whole life ahead of you find someone w/ no'one attached to him! you will have a better furture you are so young and it's your journey take the right road and find true happiness! because this just started it's going to get worse for you im not worried about him he's a dog tell him there are clubs for couples like that don't let him rob you of your innocence and who you are.
Best Wishes!
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (22 July 2010):
 There is no future in having an affair with a married man.
Never has been, never will be. They usually are not going to leave their wives (no matter how much they might say they will). The "other woman" is just that: someone on the side he can cheat (as the O.W. is also cheating by being involved with him) on his wife and family with.
Seriously, how "sweet, kind, honest and caring" can this person be? Do you really think he is being honest and caring toward his wife by having an affair with you? Do you think he's honest enough to tell her about you? For that matter, I wonder if SHE would tell you "we allow each other to do whatever we wish." Even if she were to tell you that, I suspect what she would mean by it would be very different from what he has led you to think....
You already know he's not gonna leave her. I think you can easily figure out what to do. But I'll spell it out anyway: End it, here and now. Tell him you enjoyed meeting him, but you've decided it's a bad idea (which it IS) to take it any further, so goodbye and don't contact me again.
Then you will be free to meet someone you can build a guilt-free future, and live happily with.....
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 July 2010):
You already know the answer. Not only is it morally dumb to do this, emotionally it's not smart either.
YOU are starting to have feelings for him, he loves his wife, I smell drama and heartache..
Go find a single guy.
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (22 July 2010):
You already know he loves his wife, will never be yours and you know you're going to end up hurt because he can't (and doesn't) return your feelings. You're already having feelings, so clearly you are not cut out for the no-strings relationship this man is offering. You have all of this information, yet you don't know what to do.
The truth is that you know exactly what to do. If you don't end things with this man, you're going to look up in ten years and realize that all of your friends have married and have families of their own while you wasted your life being the side piece for a married man.
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female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (22 July 2010):
I smell a heartbreak brewing....These things rarely ever work out.
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