A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,The thing is I'm not coming here for professional advise, but for some educated opinions, and maybe a parallel to one's own experience (if there are any). I did seek some help on this issue when I was an undergrad and my school therapist shed some light, but I have never been able to really alter my mode of thinking since. I'm in my twenties and I can only emotionally connect with older men-my father's age to be exact- and it has come to the point that is really disconcerting and making me feel like a weirdo and fool. I enjoy the company of young men, and have dated a few over the years, but I am not sexually drawn to them. I recognize their assets and talents, but not enough to start a romantic relationship. Now, of course the psychologist dissected my relationship with my dad as they all do, and I think at some point I did admit that my dad is essentially a five year old stuck in the body of middle-aged man. Not kidding, you got to see it to believe it. His life is a never-ending circus and when we sit down for a mature talk, he begins to regress to the point that I feel like I am an adult and he is a child. It's ridiculous. It's like he has no mind of his own but is attached to my mom's brain. Whatever she says, goes, and within minutes he forgets what the argument was all about.Over the years he has left the heavy-lifting of child-rearing to my mom and JUST NEVER GROWS UP. I know it sounds funny, but I think having an immature father may have messed me up in some weird way- to the point that I confuse the need for paternal guidance and maturity with sexual desire. I hope to be able to love and maybe build something with someone my age, but the way things are going and considering I will 25 soon, I wander if this will happen. Am i stuck in this state of mind? Oh and please don't say anything about needing to see a counselor again, because I am not in the mood to hear the modern version of the Electra complex again just yet. It's no good when you can predict what they are gonna say. Thanks, G
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2009): There is nothing wrong with you. You are a normal girl.
Men in their 30s and 40s usually have better, more stable jobs, more money, houses, boats, cars, etc., than younger guys AND they are happy to share these with you. What girl would find these things unattractive?
They don't refer to their friends and coworkers as "dude."
They are less likely to give you the bs about "not ready to be a father" and hide from the responsibility of being a parent/husband.
Experience teaches older guys to be more patient with you and your (possible) kids, more understanding, and more confident in themselves, more knowledgeable and wiser in making important financial and family decisions. What sane girl doesn't want these kinds of things in her man?
30+ guy likely better knows what he wants from life, knows where he is going and how to get there.
If you have to have a guy near your age and you're a young woman, you might have to be your husband/boyfriend's mommy for a few years until you can take the training wheels off so he can ride all by himself.
Girls under 25 should consider that many guys don't fully ripen until they get to be around 35 years old or so. Whereas many women expect to be married and possibly with children by the time they hit 30 years old. Women also run the risk attempting pregnancy after 35 years, although they do it despite warnings from the medical community.
Younger woman/older man couple is a biologically natural combination. Probably somewhere around 10 years is a good difference for compatibility. The guy 28-32, married a girl 18-25, or the guy was 32-40 and married a girl 24-30. I have seen several very successful marriages with this age spread - they seemed more stable, low-stress couples, good finances, happy kids, little complaints. Guy got the hot young girl, girl got the steady guy ready to start a family, take serious responsibility. I have personally known of more bad relationships/divorce/separation or with problems where the guy was in his twenties, younger than, or the near the same age as the girl.
I have also heard many women of different ages comment that young men look and act too juvenile for their taste in their twenties and that they don't really start to get hot until they get into their 30s.
A
male
reader, Kenneth +, writes (9 October 2009):
Nothing wrong with dating older men, but make sure the difference is no more than 10 years and he is not married or in a relationship. Goodluck!
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A
female
reader, MuffinGirl  +, writes (8 October 2009):
 I'm not a psychologist or anything like that but i'll try to tell you what i think from my point of view. They said that most of women are looking for a man who is just like their father or totally opposite of him. I think you belong to the second group. You know mistakes of your father- immaturity, often not able to have adult conversation. And because you know all that you can feel what you don't need and want in relationship with your potencial partner. I think you're smart girl and your mind just don't let you to jump in relationship with someone who is not mature enough for you. You're consequently more attracted to older, more mature guys. Somehow i agree with you and totally understand you. Being picky is good thing, but you're a bit too much focus on a particular group of people.I think you should go out and make small talks with guys your age or maybe 30-35. Give them a chance, i'm sure that normal 30 or 35 old guy is mature enough for you. It's probably just that you don't know the right guys. I agree that some at your age are completely immature, but others are not, believe me.Good luck and don't worry too much!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009): If your upbringing has left you psychologically "trained" to think of a man your father's age as being so immature, then maybe you are subconsciously operating as if anyone much younger than him would be intolerably worse.
Obviously this is not true with all young men or even most of them.
I think you really need to lose the idea that maturity is a straight & even line on the graph as we age. Older does not automatically equal more mature. I'll bet there some teenage guys out there (literally) who are probably more mature than your father is.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (8 October 2009):
 I think its quite the opposite. You see your father as immature, attached to your mother's brain; but when you meet older men who are actually mature and free-thinking, you appreciate maturity and patience. That is the ability to clearly think out things beyond the immediacy of the situation.
What may seem obvious to you, is actually irrelevant if not wholly immaterial.
Hence, your attraction to older men may be a deep-seated need to find someone who has wisdom, patience and a great deal of understanding. Someone who looks beyond the surface to find the real hidden meaning of things.
Or ... its just a thing for older guys.
But I think its really an attraction to someone who may be more mature, and therefore patient with you.
This may also lead to deeper passions which then translates into a sexual desire that's longer lasting.
I think this desire to be with someone older runs in both young women and men, so its not just women and its not just you in particular.
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A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (8 October 2009):
 Sorry no epiphany.
My wife- she is 27
She is attracted to older guys as well. There's 10 years between us and she has expressed attraction to guys who are older on numerous occaisions.
Also, her cousin who is 21 is the same way. She is attracted to guys much older than herself. When she visited from her homeland, she had an affair w/ a man in his late 30's.
My wife's dad was abusive, so you could twist it to say she is looking for the replacement, but her cousin's father is a model dad, so it points more to genetics.
The difference is that they are also attracted to younger men as well.
My question to you is what would happen to you if went and saw male strippers who were young. Would that spark something inside of you? Or even looking at female porn? (I know that could turn some women off just the nature of it, but I was just wondering?)
My only suggestion...
The more guys you go out with and meet, then the better chance you have of catching that spark. I would not worry about 'normal.' I would worry about happy. If you can find happiness with someone who is older, then that should be all you care about.
You can go on dating websites (or w/ people you know) and go out with guys from a variety of age ranges. Meet a variety of people. Take age out of the equation and look for the qualities that will make you happy.
Best Wishes
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009): I do not think there is anything wrong with you being attracted to older men. Your attraction may have something to do with your relationship with your father, but whatever the reason for your attraction, you should just accept what makes you happy.
I am in a relationship with a man who is my father's age. Growing up, my father was very involved in my life. He was and still is someone I look up to and respect. We have a good relationship.
I have always been drawn toward older men. When I was younger, the age difference was not as big as it is now, but they were older all the same. Now the man I love is my parents age. We have been together for 11 years now and we are very happy together. While you can probably look for some deep rooted psychological explanation for your desire to be with an older man, I think you are just better off accepting the way you feel and do what makes you happy.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (8 October 2009):
I'm nearing 26 and recently (within the last 2-months) have grown a fascination and attraction to older men (when I say older, I mean older than I would normally date). I never had this interest before, I typically dated guys in my age group. Suddenly, I've become extremely attracted to men in their 30's and early 40's. Now, they're not my father's age, he turned 50 earlier this year and can't see myself attracted to someone that age because simply put: they're as old as my father.
I don't know if you're stuck with this attraction, being that my attraction has changed over time. Where I used to think dating someone 5 years older than me was too old, to now thinking 15 years older than me is ok. Preferences change over time. And even if it doesn't, I really don't think that it's a bad thing. We all have different tastes and are attracted to different people--and I think that's okay and that there's nothing wrong with it. If you start wanting to hook up with some old grandpas, then yeah that might be a little bit of a concern.
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (8 October 2009):
 I dont find you a fool or a weirdo. You know there is only so much we understand about what makes one person attracted to certain characteristics in another person. Look at gay people for instanse. They cannot help but be attracted to people of the same sex. I, like anyone else, would say you cant help it and shouldn't be ashamed of it.
Yes, maybe having an immature father may have left you wanting for an older male relationship, but you may also just be predisposed to older men genetically. Believe me when I say that I can fully sympathise with your situation as my step father was and still is a child trapped in a grown mans body. It played its part in my desire to find a mature, rational and calm man. I like older men, but I also have no issues with the idea of younger guys if the mental maturity was what I needed it to be. One of the pros for older men though was that they HAD the experiences younger guys don't. As wiser men I would feel they would be less haphazard in their dicision making and more delivering in their love making. There are alot of pros and cons to any age group you may be attracted to.
You are not weird and I for one dont think you need counseling. Just enjoy it rather than thinking it is a burden and maybe you will feel better yourself.
HonningKanin
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009): Wow!! omg..i thought i was like the only one!! i dont like any guys my age..i just dont like them at all..i always go older guys..i guess its cos they are mature in more ways!
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A
female
reader, Libra1963  +, writes (8 October 2009):
 You are looking for a father. Many women who did not have a good relationship with their father go through this. If it makes you happy go for it. You can not change your father. He is who he is.
There is nothing wrong with being attracted to older men.
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