A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:On Monday my girlfriend of 4 years 9 months told me she wanted to end it. We met many years ago when she was an exchange student at my high school in Florida. It was my senior year and she had another 2 years left of gymnasium once she got back to Germany. We spent those years doing long distance back and forth; I would fly over for Christmas she would fly over for summer. We would visit on whatever breaks we could get.After we both graduated from high school in Florida in 2005 I went off to the University of Florida and she went back to finish gynasium. The plan then was to have her come over after her arbitur and we would be together and go to school together. She came over the summer of 2006 so we could plan out her getting into American school for 2007. Nothing worked out; we were both young and naive about what it would take. After her arbitur she deiced to go to Martin Luther University in Halle. She was accepted to Freie Universitat Berlin but we picked Halle because its university said they had an exchange program with the University of Florida (UF). In the mean time while she was accepted to Uni I was doing horrible in school, I was studying engineering at UF and was failing at it. I spent all my time with a student group building a miniature F1 car (FSAE) and never went to class or studied. So by the time she started her school in Halle I had moved over to the community college in town to earn my associates degree (AA) there and refocus my academic life.Her first year in Uni was ok, she made a lot of friends but her thoughts of how to get us together kept her from her true potential. Over that year she tried to find out how she can get into the exchange program and do a semester or year over at UF. She talks to her advisor there and they all seem to think that the exchange program is still active. It wasn't until she came over for a visit and we go to the UF office for exchange that we discover the program is no longer active.So, she went to this school for nothing. Her grades were sub-par and her future was even more uncertain than ever. I on the other hand am doing ok in school, I'm about half-way through my engineering AA. After her first year (2007-2008) she decided to move in with a couple of her friends she had made (another girl and guy). This year (2008-2009) she decided to try to just make an outright transfer semester for fall of 2009 (current semester we are in). She had got everything lined up sent in her application, even got a Fulbright scholarship among others, but UF denied admission to her for Political Science (her field of study along with English). I think UF reasons were economic; they have been cutting budgets and raising tuition left and right. So anyway this left her in a rut.She is the type of person who has to have a plan in life. For our time together this summer we went backpacking in Norway for 3 weeks. It was the most amazing and beautiful place and I had the greatest time of my life with her. She always needed something to focus on in the future and never wanted a long distance relationship. I on the other hand can deal with it. I took her for granted.So for this semester we planned on her coming over to the states for Christmas. She has already bought a ticket for a month long stay. I thought everything was as usual. The past years I had gone over there for xmas. Then about a week ago she went out clubbing with her roommates and some friends like they always do. This time her male roommate got really drunk and told her he was in love with her and had been for the past two years... They kissed once and she dragged his drunken puking butt back home. She got home and told me about it and I didn't yell at her, I had a dear in the headlights look the whole time and calmly told it was alright. Over the next day’s things are as usual, we talk online everyday over webcam for several hours. We lightly go over the subject but she doesn't want to talk about it. She tells me everything is alright and that she loves me. She confronts me with the once a month what is our plan in life that I never have an answer for other than that we will be together in the future. Over the weekend I am busy with work and she seems to avoid me online. On Monday we talk and I know something is up, She essentially tells me she wants to take a break. I suspect it is to do with her roommate although she doesn't admit it until pressured. She tells me that he (roommate) has opened her eyes to new possibilities. She has to let me go she tells me.I don't know what to do, I want to fly over there and be with her. I am afraid that will push her further away. This girl had professed her divine love more times than I can count for me, I to her too. She tells me that maybe in the future we can get together again. She says doing this is hurting her health and her school. She also tells me “Please stop acting up and find a solution...”I am suffering from "don't know what you got until it’s gone" syndrome. I have had a complete breakdown. She doesn’t want to hear from me and will contact me when she is ok to talk again. I have slept about 6 hours in the 3 days since she has told me.I was planning on asking her to marry me next xmas (2010) she would be done with school by the time we would get married. She also wants to pursue a Masters (doesn’t think she will get hired with just a BA). This girl is the love of my life, I would give up anything for her now. Although I didn't show that beforehand with my actions I realize that now. Now I have suggested moving over there after my AA or possibly doing an exchange semester when I get back into a real university (did I mention this is the last semester of my AA before I transfer to a Florida University).I just don't know what to do, I have written and sent about (no kidding) 20 pages of letters to here since then through the mail, one or two envelopes every day. I'm just floating right now in a sea of despair close to drowning with no life ring in sight. What do I do?here is the last email she wrote mehey XXXXX,this email is going to be the hardest to write in our almost 5 year history together.My life has been bittersweet since we are together. I had nothing a hundred percent. I either was happy in highschool with my friends and achieving my goals OR I was happy with you. But I never was allowed to have both. We have missed out on some chances bringing me over there. Some of them are our own faults, some of them were decided by someone else. With that I mean my attempts to enroll in college over there. First I couldn't pay for Santa Fe or UF and when I almost had the money together for UF, the university didn't want me. During all of the attempts to solve the problem of us not being together, I lacked attention in my current classes. I can't concentrate or be happy. You know how many times I cried and been upset. I feel like, if I am not stopping this now, I will get depressed to the point where I have to take medication. Missing you, loving you, makes me sick. But the thing is, no one is to blame. Of course we have to finish school and of course we have to be independent from our parents. And I agree that we both have to live up to our potential and pursue the carrier we deserve. But with you as my boyfriend I can't do so. Too much am I influenced by the thought of when will we be together or what do I have to do in order to get together with you sooner or later. Because of that, I have missed out on applying to internships and now I am in trouble since I can't find any. I am also afraid that I would give up on a master's degree altogether, so I can finally be happy and healthy.XXXXX, I have loved you with all my heart and still love you, but for my own better good I have to let you go. The time we had was the best of my life on the one side, but on the other side it makes me sick being without you for the greater time of the year. If you love me as much as you do, you will see and understand my point and then let me go too.The next years, we will concentrate on college and try to do our best. And maybe when the both of us have reached our carrier goals and earn money, we can get in touch again. Maybe we will get to know people with whom we can reach our goals in life better, then with each other.Telling me crazy plans and sending emails to my friends is not going to change my decision. Please stop acting up and find a solution... because I have found a way that I think will work for me to become healthy again, to have a normal planned out life in which you maybe play a role in the future, but not right now. With you telling me your plans all the sudden, for which I had not hoped for in my biggest dreams before I made this decision, you are hurting me even more. That means, just if I act and tell you I cant go anymore and really mean it, you change your whole character and habits. You always said that school needs to come first. And now that I act accordingly, you turn around telling me that it is not what you wanted. I need you to understand me. I need you to start getting used to this idea of me not constantly being in your life anymore. And I really need you to stop telling me crazy ideas because my decision is made.I have been thinking about this a lot and tried to block it before, e.g. in June, after UF's decision. But I need to act now in order to save myself from real health damage.I will always love youXXXXXXX
View related questions:
a break, christmas, clubbing, depressed, drunk, long distance, money, roommate, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (9 October 2009):
 Dude, she was screwing around with her room mate..This type of letter to you is a clear indication that she has been for some time. Basically if you read between the lines of her letter and her actions towards you before the break up it is quite obvious.After the incident with her room mate...when she keeps telling you things are alright and then acts squirrley? Come on it does not take a brain surgeon to figure this out.Look what she wrote you....she keeps saying things out the other side of her mouth. SHE IS BLAMING YOU in essence if you look at it from a critcal point of view. Basically what she is telling you is what is the truest part of a LDR...THEY DONT WORK! She is screwing her room mate, has been for some time(I mean he told her he loved her for how long? and she just kissed him, and dragged his but home? Come on...she dragged him home alright? WAKE UP!Im not trying to be ultra critical, as I know you are hurt, but what did you expect? Long Distance Relationships rarely if ever work.Yeah it hurts but look at it this way, she did you a favor. No concentrate onb your career and find some woman who wont lie to you form half a world away.She only loves you when its convenient for her, man!!!Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and make her insignificant. Delete her from your life. easier said than done, I know, but youi seem like a smart guy...forget about her and move on.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (8 October 2009):
 I am so sorry for the grief you're going through.
This is a very painful moment in time for both you and her.
She's basically saying that she has to give up her health and future for you, or she can pursue her future and regain her health without you. But she cannot be happy the way things have been going so far. There were too many obstacles and, from what she's saying, neither one of you is yet strong enough to overcome all of them.
I would suggest that you consider it this way. Maybe its time to let her go and let her be happy. I know that's pretty much the bad news. But its also a chance for her to consider exactly the same question you've posed now.
Perhaps she won't know what she had until its gone. And this may cause her to rethink everything if she's dissatisfied with the way things are going in the future.
What is very hard here is that men tend to stop, as you put it, with the headlights glaring in their eyes (deer in the headlights syndrome), whereas women tend to work through breakups.
In her mind, she's going to work through this and at least achieve the academic success she needs to achieve in order to succeed in life. She seems to have a complete strategy in her mind, and no one including you is going to prevent her from pursuing it. She's tried compromises and too many people and events have gotten in the way.
With all the letter-writing and emails you're sending her, all that's doing is hurting her and she's already hurting over this. That's what she's saying basically. And its hurting you.
Its going to take time for both of you to get over this. But on the other hand, there may come a point and time when she realizes that, once she's got things steady again, she might be able to come back to you.
However, I don't want to hold out false hope to you. Realistically long term relationships are very hard to do. And even with frequent visits, it seems a lot of things have gotten in the way and these obstacles are punishing her badly.
So the best thing to do is not count on her running back anytime soon. I think from what she's saying, she's more focused on her needs and does not want anyone else in her life right now.
That all being said, you should try and focus on finishing up for yourself and getting back into the UF engineering program. This time, focus on what you have to do to get past school and get to the real world of working.
Once you're set and have a place in this world, free of academic demands, its possible to try and re-establish your relationship with her, or in the meantime find someone else who's even better and more loving that she ever was.
You need to give your self space too and I think she's implying that.
Anyway, for all that its worth, I really empathize with you. The sleepless nights, the terrible emotional agony -- there's no question you deeply love this woman. And that's what makes this story so sad.
...............................
|
