A
female
age
41-50,
*unny2108
writes:I feel like am going through an emotional hell just now and any advice would be welcome. I am 20 weeks pregnant and my ex broke up with me just when we found out. To cut a long story short, we have had a very close friendship for over a year. We started seeing each other and decided to move into a new house together and make a go of it as a couple (this did all happen too quick and I should have known it was all too sudden but I wanted it as much as him, well so I thought). He has a history of manic depression and at the time we moved in his business was going into bankruptcy. We really didn’t have a chance to enjoy being an excited couple, enjoying our new life in a new home because we were dealing with money issues, family issues, etc. He has always had a history of cheating and I knew that, but I really believed the way he was with me and how much he told me he loved me that he did. I then discovered I was pregnant and everything changed. He told me that he loved me soo much, but didn’t want to be with me as he felt he wasn’t ready to settle down and wanted to be faithful but couldn’t trust himself to be. I was devastated!! And he said he would stand by me whatever I decided to do about the baby, but he didn’t think it was right for us to keep it, considering we weren’t going to be together and financially he felt we couldn’t manage. He still wanted me to be a part of his life and for us to be friends but just couldn’t give me anymore than that just now! He stayed in the house and I moved back into the flat I still had before. I wasn’t happy about doing it at all considering I had put most of the money into our rental deposit and I loved our new house but I was also worried about trying to afford the monthly rent on my own.I decided to keep the baby. I am 31 with a really good job so I feel without him I can support me and the baby. I also have amazing friends and family to help. He has been so up and down with me over the last 2 months I am just so confused! He calls or texts me everyday and we still spend time together and have remained close both physically and emotionally although I am hurt and angry with him. Most people think I am off my head for still speaking to him but I can’t switch off the feelings I have for him especially when I have a baby to think of. He came with me for my 12 wk scan and we’ve spoke about names etc. He says he will be there for the baby and will always be there for me, that he does loves me but just isn’t ready to settle down.At the back of my mind I’ve always thought there has been more to it and there has been someone else involved which I found to be right! He has been seeing a woman he met on a dating site just before we broke up and even had the cheek to have her in our house!! As much as I had stayed calm I went mad at that and asked that he get us out of the lease of the house asap and if he had any respect for me at all he would not bring anyone into what was our home! At first, he was angry at me, saying he could do what he liked and he would move out of the house but didn’t want anything to do with me or the baby. I didn’t speak to him for 2 days until he phoned and said how sorry he was that he did want to be a part of the baby's life and he understood about the house and how sorry he was for all he had put me through and just wishes he could change. We went out for dinner and as hard as it was we ended up having a really good time. A few days later we had a really emotional conversation where he asked me what he would need to do for me to come back and that he knew he would need to change to make me happy, we ended up spending the night together. A few days later, his papa died and I had a feeling he had been over to see this other woman and he had changed again. I don’t think she knows anything about me, the situation or what’s happened and he can be who he wants to be when he sees her. She stays about an hour away so she doesn’t know anyone from our area that would tell her about him and his past.He says he wants to be a dad to the baby, be there at the birth etc. We are both going to the 20 week scan this week then we’re going to buy a pram. I am trying so hard to keep a good relationship with him but I can’t help hoping that he will realize what he is losing by being this way. I know I haven’t done myself any favours by letting him manipulate me and pick me up and put me down the way he has but I really do love him no matter how much I wish I didn’t! I don’t understand how he seems to be able to switch his feelings off and on. I don’t know if this other woman is going to be on the scene for any length of time but it hurts so much that he could put me and our baby through so much hurt for someone else. He is a very jealous person and always asks what I am doing, etc. He has the luxury of knowing that it’s unlikely that I will start seeing someone else while I am pregnant, but he has told me how hard he feels it will be when I do meet someone. Has anyone been through a similar breakup while they had a baby on the way? I know my emotions are everywhere and cloud my judgment, but it’s so difficult to understand how men can be so cruel.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2011): I am in a similar situation.. I am 27 weeks pregnant, only on my third child! And was recently left for someone else, he is the father of all three...I have been with him for over ten years, I kept having hope and believed that he would change, and believe all his lies for so long, he never did change for me, truthfully I can say I am less stressed now, not having to be worried about getting cheated on or ignored! It's been almost two months since I've spoken to him, and he hasn't even asked about his kids once.. My advice to you is to stop the relationship that you have right now and if he wants to be apart of babys life than allow him but that's all it should be, if not, there will be someone else who will respect you and your baby3
A
female
reader, mrs.heartbroken  +, writes (7 March 2011):
hunny i was in your exact shoes. i was pregnant and everything was well until i was 16 weeks he met this other chik at the club and i left him when i found out. at least this guy wants to be in your childs life my babys dad didnt ive seen him around a couple of times sinse hes the security guard at my local mall and its as if were complete strangers.akward i know. but just try and make peace for the sake of your child.if its not for you guys to be together then all that is leftt is for you to make the best of it for that litttle one. good luck sweetie.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (23 February 2011):
This guy would have left you anyway. He's unstable, and has a history of cheating. He's just not life-partner material. Not everyone is. You have idealized him and made him out in your mind to be someone he really isn't. Don't waste any more of your mental energy on him wondering about the new woman. He will cheat on her sooner or later, as is his history. The dreams you had of him and you being a happy couple, were mistaken. You may love some aspects of him, but he has other glaring flaws as well that you can't separate out.
It's unfortunate that you're having a baby with someone who's not life-partner material, but that's what it boils down to. Re-adjust your frame of reference, try not to think that you've lost something, because it was never in the works to begin with. Try to keep your emotional distance from him. Don't let yourself get sucked into thinking there is a chance with him, because his history has shown how unreliable he is and he himself has done you a favor of explicitly saying he doesn't want to be with you and is only here to fulfill his fatherly responsibilities.
He may going with you to the ultrasounds and to pick out a pram, but don't let yourself get tricked into playing happy-family with him. It is not that at all. Think of it more as a business transaction and don't identify yourself with other happily-married couples pushing prams that you see all around you. You are not them, he is not the equivalent of those other men. Emotionally distance yourself from him so you can move on even though you will continue to have contact with him because of your child.
this may or may not be helpful right now, but be glad that he left you now and not later on when you have had more time, emotions, energy and money invested in him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): You can't trust men who are so emotional. They change like the wind. one day they want you, next day they want someone else.
well some men I know who did stick by their women when they got pregnant ended up being really miserable as fathers trying to fit into the template of the standard suburban family life.
if your guy were to stick with you doesn't mean all is well, could just mean he'll leave you later on after you've already bought the house with the white picket fence and you've given up your job to be a stay at home mom and come to be used to having him around. because if he stuck around when he really doesn't want to, he will be miserable. whether he has the right to be miserable or not doesn't matter, he will be. And if he is miserable because of you and the baby, you will be miserable too. He will leave you anyway eventually but by then you would have built a life centered around him and come to depend on him for help with living your own life so you would lose a lot more if he left you later on.
it's best that he leave you now when you're only pregnant and haven't come to rely on him that much for help with living your own life.
be strong, you can do it alone. cut off all contact with him, all you need from him is child support.
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A
female
reader, charitysend +, writes (22 February 2011):
I'm not sure what you see when you look into the future, but what you OUGHT to be seeing is twenty years on a roller coaster ride from hell.
You're guy's manic depressive. He's not stable. He can't be stable. He'll tell you one thing today and another thing tomorrow. And he won't be lying, either! I'm sure he does love you. But he can't give you what you want. He can't give you what you need.
He probably does want to be a good daddy, but he's not going to be able to fulfill that. He's going to cheat on the baby like he cheat on you. In other words, he won't show up for visitation; he won't show up when it's his turn to babysit; he won't have the money when the baby needs something.
That's life with a manic-depressive with a history of cheating and poor money management. Like I said, you're in for a ride from hell.
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A
female
reader, The Girl with the Diver's Hair +, writes (22 February 2011):
I havent been through that but thats because im like 15 but im sure plenty of people have and they have got through it. Talk to people: family, friends etc and get there advice see what they would do. All in all i dont know what to say really other than i hope everything goes well and if you keep the baby i hope its healthy and you enjoy being a mother, im sure you would make a great one.
Good Luck. E x :)
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A
female
reader, sienna gold  +, writes (22 February 2011):
listen i realy feel for you and im no expert but men stick with you and love you but when they find out your preghnant they do a runner because there scared he probley has no i dear about bringing up a babey and is very scared of being a father so he dealt wiht i by running away from the situation sorry this has happened :(
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