A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HiIve been with my partner over two years now, and over that time she seems to have gained a lot of weight.When we first met, she was a 14-16, curvy, but absoloutly fine.Since then, shes gone to a size 20. And is eating lots/ not doing any exercise at all.Just to make it clear, i still love her every bit as much.. but i have to be honest, it is affecting the attraction i have towards her.I know i know, it sounds shallow, i should love her as she is, and i do love her!. But i cant help my physical reactions when i see her naked.She often tells me how 'ugly and fat' she feels, and i always reassure her i find her attractive still.. since critism wouldnt help.Ive tried encouraging her to train with me (i go to the gym regularly) tried cooking healthy meals for us both but it doesnt work.Has anyone any ideas how i can broach the topic with her? She isnt the most self confident person in the world and i dont want to shatter what confidence she has.Also.. i feel very guilty at being less attracted to her, is this normal or should i still be as attracted because i love her?Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): Whoever said size 14 is obese is ridiculous. But size 20 is too big. I can understand you're in a difficult situation, maybe next time she complains about her weight, THEN although say she's still beautiful etc but suggest then she could come to the gym with you.
Im a size 10/12 but im quite short so felt a bit self concious. Anyway, i found it easier if i had a rota, so at say 6o'clock i would so a certain exercise etc. So many suggest that? Women are sensitive sometimes though, so hope it goes well. :)
A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (3 December 2010):
 Oh dear, you are in a spot of bother. There's no easy way to broach the subject of a womans weight, without coming across as shallow. But size 20 is simply way too large for comfort and health, unless she is 7 foot 6 tall.
Unfortunately most people do not lose weight unless THEY want to. All the cajoling, and subtle hinting in the world will make no difference. She has to want to do it, or it will not happen.
I listen to people and read a lot about weight loss and related subjects, and smile inwardly to myself when I see people complaining that they have tried all sorts of fad diets, and nothing worked. How about eating less, and exercising more? That works all the time.
Your girlfriend has become happy and content. Good for you. Bad for her. She feels she doesn't have to try any more. She has got her man! It sounds like you live together, so you have to get out and do more. The gym will not help, because she will feel uncomfortable being seen and trying to jog, so you need to walk more, visit relatives, go clubbing, play tennis, anything just to keep her more active than she is now, and away from the fridge and the TV.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (3 December 2010):
 Why is she over-eating? Because that is clearly what she is doing. Size 14-16 is already well into obese. Size 20 is simply unhealthy.
Eating is easy and we are programmed to like it. Our ancestors had to work had to get even enough to eat, we can just waddle to the fridge and get more fat and sugar then our bodies can handle but our body still sends yummy signals to the brain and makes us feel content.
That is very hard to fight, obesity is a serious western disease and your girlfriend is suffering from it.
And no, kind words do NOT help. What does work? If I knew this, I would be writing the next self-help book on getting thin and buy a continent to retire on.
If she used to eat healthier and do excersize, then what changed?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 December 2010):
 Start to do ACTIVE stuff in your time off with her. Go for a walk, go to the pool for a swim and YES! get a WII Fit, they are not only hilarious they actually work.
Do not suggest diet pills. They might work for a short period of time, but really they are like peeing your pants in winter to keep warn.. a VERY short term solution! And she WILL gain the weight right back on.
Next time she says, honey I'm fat , tell her you think she is lovely but WHY not join a gym, because it is VITAL that SHE is happy with herself. I would nag either.
My husband gained a lot of weight due to an accident in Iraq some years ago, and honestly, I don't find him as physically attractive as I used to, but...... it doesn't really hold me back in any way shape or form.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (3 December 2010):
 I think it's normal that you are losing your attraction to her even though you still love her. Most people who get into long term relationships find that because they already found who they want to be with for the rest of their lives, they figure they don't have to take care of themselves anymore.
Talk to her about it. Be honest. Don't tell her, hey your fat go to the gym. But the next time she tells you how fat and ugly she feels encourage her to go to join a class or something an exercise group so she can get her self esteem back.
IF you keep telling her she is attractive she isn't going to think that there is a problem. If obesity runs in her family she needs to start exercising as soon as she can and eating healthy.
Give her encouragement, my bf took me to the waterfall I had been dying to see after I lost my twenty pounds that I was struggling to lose.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): This is a tough question because I go up and down with my weight. Its always been a struggle for me and it down right sucks!I always say I am Oprah ...it just depends on what season you are watching. Have her go to her doctor and get a prescription for Phentermine. It can give her the extra boost of energy while curbing her appetite. When you go to the gym, you have to almost beg her to go with you, keep whining till she gives in, and then when you get to the gym....don't ditch her. Do your cardio together. Then do some toning exercises and talk about your day (don't make it seem like you are training her, your simply a partner to work out with and talk to) the bottom line she will begin to feel better and you will look amazing for being supportive. Just remember even though she puts on weight, its the spirit you fell in love with, and when you get older and perhaps a receding hairline begins to develop she is going to have to look at you and do the same thing. Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, advisorX  +, writes (3 December 2010):
 It is normal to feel that way for your partner but it is really difficult to tell her that "i like you the way you look the first time we've met although i still love you the same way". But you see all you have to tell her is that "I want you to be healthy and strong because im afraid of loosing you, that's why i want you to exercise with me at the gym".
It is effective without hurting her feelings as well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): Get a wii! Ive lost a stone since i got mine in august. Just by using it 4/5 times a week. And they are great fun!! :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): She definatelty need to shed a fair few pounds as it's so unhealthy to be tht size.
Maybe suggest to her that you start doing something together like a swimming class because you're worried about her health.
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A
female
reader, Bexter +, writes (3 December 2010):
You need to approach this in a very sensitive manner and as Aunty Em points out, overeating is often a sign of unhappiness. I she will need to address the reason for her overeating to lose the weight.
The last thing you should do is tell her that you don't find her as attractive, this will make her feel even worse. It sounds like you are doing all the right things and that you love her which is great.
As for feeling guilty, I think what you are going through is totally normal, you can't help the way you feel.
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A
female
reader, Bexter +, writes (3 December 2010):
You need to approach this in a very sensitive manner and as Aunty Em points out, overeating is often a sign of unhappiness. I she will need to address the reason for her overeating to lose the weight.
The last thing you should do is tell her that you don't find her as attractive, this will make her feel even worse. It sounds like you are doing all the right things and that you love her which is great.
As for feeling guilty, I think what you are going through is totally normal, you can't help the way you feel.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 December 2010):
 Ask her if she is happy or if there is something bothering her. Overeating is usually a sign of loss of confidence, low self esteem, worrying about a situation, feeling insecure, stressed,bored or frustrated. It could be a medical condition of course but just check with her that there are no underlying bad feelings that she is struggling with.
You sound like a super guy and very caring and considerate. Asking her how she feels and if she is ok might give her the opportunity to raise any issues that are making her over eat.
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A
female
reader, 0000BraveHeart0000  +, writes (3 December 2010):
You are perfectly normal. Everyone has standards in life and just because they are being harsh about what they do not want, does not mean that they are bad. It is the way of life. Now, you mentioned that your girlfriend has gained a few extra pounds. I have some tips that maybe able to help her get back to the curvy figure you felt attracted to. Hope these help:
1. Tell her to drink water before she eats. This will keep her very full so that she does not eat alot during the day. Plus , it is a good way to stay dehydrated.
2. Eat 3 meals a day. I know what you are thinking, hello she wants to loose weight but listen. She needs to continue eating her 3 meals because for instance, lets say she skipped lunch, when it is dinner time she would eat twice as much which would increase her weight. The key is to cut all her meals in half. Half a bowl of spagettii, cereal, anything else healthy that she eats. This would not only ensure that she is consuming nutrients for her body's function but that she would lose weight as the consumption rate would low.
3.Excercise. I know you said that she does not like to excersise but there is no escaping it. Infact, excercise is not at all terrifying as most people portray it. It csn be quite fun and there are many inspirations for excercise around us. She can take daily walks with you or the dog for as little as 20 minutes then increase the time and let as she starts to lose weight. She may even shed weght while doing the chores, cleaning roofs, ovens, scrubbing the porch , mopping ---they all contribute in losing pounds process. Now is the christmas season, I am sure there are many preparations for her to start. But I highly recommend excercising off her won free will (in terms of gym and treamiill and those stuff), if she cannot do that then she can buy one of those dance videos where they dance but shed pounds...can be fun!!
4. Go on a healthy diet. Not forever just for a day.
5. Keep far away from junk foods. Foods like fried chicken, fries, icecream, and other are to be well out of her reach. These are high in fats and they would cause instant weight especially where she is not excersising alot. If she is not a lover of junk food then just apply #2.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (3 December 2010):
 It sounds like she needs to lose a considerable amount of weight is she is in a size 20 clothing. This would put her in the overweight/obese category on the body mass index scale. I don't think you should feel bad about wanting her to lose weight. It sounds as if you just want her to be healthy and slim again! You have done your best by encouraging her to come to the gym with you. Maybe the gym isn't her thing. There are other forms of exercise that may interest her like dancing or aerobics. If she lacks confidence then maybe suggest she goes to a slimming class - she will meet other women there who are also struggling with their size. She should also see her GP to find out if there is a medical explanation for her weight gain. She may listen to expert advice on the benefits of weight loss from her doctor. Personally I exploded just before I had an underactive thyroid and polycystic ovaries treated - these are common conditions for women that are associated with weight gain and often under-diagnosed. I lost the weight because I didn't want to end up with diabetes or heart failure, but other people commenting didn't help so much.
From my own experience, I know that you have to want to lose weight for yourself. No amount of other people nagging you will make a difference and it just makes you hostile towards them. You can be there to encourage her, but she has to make the choice to reduce size or not. A slimming class may inspire her into competition with the other group participants to get slim. She might even make some friends along the way which might boost her confidence. If she is scared to go alone, you could attend as well for the first couple of sessions. At size 20 she won't be the largest lady there by any means but it may help her with her motivation.
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