A
female
age
36-40,
*riesortauras
writes:Hi,I have a unique problem in my relationship with a Guy whom i know since 1 year, We are staying away from each other in different countries. Everything had been fine until i came to know about a girl. My boyfriend met her during one of his job trip, they got to know each other for 3 months,and were sexually involved.My bf then returned back and never met her again after that.But they continued to talk over phone and emails, they were in touch and helped each other emotionally during their difficult time and to recover,eventually they became special friends and kept liking each other.Our relationship is since 1 year after this incident happened.While we were getting to know us, my bf still kept writing and calling this girl shared his life and situations.I was unaware of this thing. I got to know about this only recently. i spoke to my bf about this but he says, they are just friends and he is not in contact with her since the day he said me I love you. he said sorry and keeps pleading me for not breaking up this relationship and to leave him. he is crying continuously.He also wrote her an email stating about us and clearing things from his behalf. He also forwarded me all the emails they communicated while still being with me.My problem is , even though the emails are decent and friendly and its a past now but i am still hurt about it. He should have cleared about his association with this girl.even though they are friends, I lost some hope and trust on this relationship. I am hurt and in pain.Can anyone please help me on this...?I have forgiven my bf and everything is fine but it hurts thinking about it !My problem
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male
reader, soon567  +, writes (10 December 2010):
He’s totally correct here. This is eating you up inside and he’s walking on eggshell with you. That’s not a good thing. Trust is the key thing here. When someone withhold things from me it just as bad as lying to me upfront…I see no difference in the two. You said you forgave him then why do you need to keep tossing it in his face? I bet he’s remorseful for this and trying to ease your heart on it. You killing the trust you once had in him and it probably will never come back. Our minds plays trick on us. I promise if you keep this up and no matter what you say, it would come to a point where you don’t trust him to walk outside without accusing him of something. You’re going to build a wall of resent within him as well towards you. We all have a past.What you want to know is to look within those emails and see is his wording resembles love and that’s the part you can’t get over. I bet when he was emailing back and forth to her it was only a friendship at that time. To be honest I think it was a bad judgment call on his part and nothing else. Most guys would have use that woman and never responded to her again. Your guy didn’t do that he treated her as respectful person, yet he paying a price for it. If he was an azz and ignored her you two would be ok right now. Sometime saying fuck off (pays off) don’t you think.I would drop it and give him a real chance...
A
female
reader, ariesortauras +, writes (9 December 2010):
ariesortauras is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Soon567,
Hi friends,
many thanks for your reply, the positivity in it really helps me to cope up with things.
Pls help me on just one more thing and i will be grateful to you all.
I have been asking him to send all the email conversation between him and the girl(even though i was not in his life then)..initially he agreed to it..but he wrote an email today saying why do i need to know and read his past,it will only hurt me and it has no relevance with our present and future. He loves me to the core and doesnt care about his past any more.. Now he doubts my love and trust on him as i keep asking about those emails. he feels i dont trust him on whatever he said and sent.
I do understand this point very clearly, but somehow i am so curious to read all the emails and to know everything between them(i know i will be hurt badly....)
What do i do.. should i let go? do i still ask to send me all the emails? do i ask his ID password? do i really doubt him(but i love him utmost)...
I have taken few days off from this relationship and would reply to his emails and questions...!!
Too desperate & sad!
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (8 December 2010):
Sorry i misread it…I see if you’re hurt by him lying to you, but I think you should let this go. People remain friend long after their fling is over. Some feel as though they shielding you from hurt or jealousy if they withhold information of past relationships from you. I think the only thing is to find a way to deal with it, remember you forgiving him so you don’t keep tossing things in someone face if you truly forgave them. Let this go.
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A
female
reader, ariesortauras +, writes (8 December 2010):
ariesortauras is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Soon567,
Thanks for your suggestion.. but let me clarify few things,
1)he was involved with the girl before we even met, so its the past. after the only time they were together , they never met again but kept contact over emails n phone calls.
2)I am hurt coz- when we were falling in love with each other, that was the time he still kept writing n calling the girl (all emails are decent and friendly)...i dont doubt on that.
3)Now eve though everything is clear, and he has no contact with the girl since a year now...he loves me and i trust him... but the pain (that he still kept contact during our association and never told about it) keeps haunting my mind....
I have forgiven him, i trust him, and i love him lots but it has brought lot of changes in my heart and life which i am unable to recover. I fear i will be the same like earlier, my feelings for this relationship has become little diluted!
Thanks a lot .
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A
female
reader, ariesortauras +, writes (8 December 2010):
ariesortauras is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Soon567,
Thanks for your suggestion.. but let me clarify few things,
1)he was involved with the girl before we even met, so its the past. after the only time they were together , they never met again but kept contact over emails n phone calls.
2)I am hurt coz- when we were falling in love with each other, that was the time he still kept writing n calling the girl (all emails are decent and friendly)...i dont doubt on that.
3)Now eve though everything is clear, and he has no contact with the girl since a year now...he loves me and i trust him... but the pain (that he still kept contact during our association and never told about it) keeps haunting my mind....
I have forgiven him, i trust him, and i love him lots but it has brought lot of changes in my heart and life which i am unable to recover. I fear i will be the same like earlier, my feelings for this relationship has become little diluted!
Thanks a lot .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): He has been very honest with you and obviously cares about you a lot, but I think you need to insist he cuts off from this woman.
Having sex is not the only way to be unfaithful; he is sharing his emotions etc. with her and this means he is restricting your access to him, diluting what you have by sharing all this with another woman.
Stick to your guns.
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (3 December 2010):
Forgive someone takes a special person especially from something that is so painful to you. This guy is just a cheater and you need to realize what you have here. There’s no remorse from his part, those excuses you listed for him about why he cheated or just that excuses.
He met someone and knew you were waiting on him, yet he didn’t care they only thing he thought of was his sexual gratification. He slept with this woman as his lover. I doubt he was crying then. You need to tell him to stop with the crocodile tears (are a false or insincere display of emotion such as a hypocrite crying fake tears of grief) he is just pretending. I can see it working on you.
You let him forward email to you for what? He needs to hand his passwords over to you and let you check whenever you feel like it. He should be banned from open anymore email accounts. You really trust an unfaithful liar and cheater. You need to see him from what he is a cheater, lair and thief.
You know he will sleep around this wasn’t and accident, he has lied to you about his affair by withholding this on multiples account and he stole the trust and love you had for him, yes he’s a cheater, lair and thief and you need to treat him as such until he, not you, rebuild the trust he so wastefully toss away.
He said he love you? When he was humping her did you feel the love then? How about when he climaxing in her, did you feel the love then? You shouldn’t let him say that to you until you really forgiving this dude. He needs to feel your hurt-cheater never recognize that part of the equitation. Only thing he has now is the memories of banging this chick and got away with it because you’re too weak to walk away from this. You have a strong love bond that’s keeping you there. When you give people something they rarely appreciate it, but when someone earns it; it has more meaning to them. Yours doesn’t mean as much because the only thing he need to do was whimper a little bit in you took it as a sign of grief.
What you need to do is make him understand what you have been going through, that mean go and pack your stuff and leave him to his hands. He’ll cheat again. What going to happen, nothing. You will finally leave this cheater when he brings you an STD home to you. It’ll be too late then. Your love with dwindle once your infected with something. Wake up and pack!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): ~YOU'RE MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLE HILL~
Honestly, this is not an issue.
Please wake up Sweetie!
He returned to you...Is now with you...He told you the truth...He told her about you...He showed you the emails...and he's telling you they remain friends...Would you rather he hide this from you? If you can't trust him, than perhaps you should move on...
Leave the past in the past and forward with him...and when she calls CHILL. Don't take away from your boyfriend...He's has a life beyond you...You are part of his life...Not his life.
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