A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do. I am in a relationship with a guy who is a year younger than me. He moved in with me three months ago (after online dating for two--I know it was a little soon...) I'm starting to get second thoughts about continuing a relationship with him. He doesn't pull his weight around the house. I have to remind him to do the two things he is responsible for--taking out the trash and shoveling snow. Even when I remind him he puts it off until it's too late and it never gets done. I do the dishes, laundry, sweep, mop, vacuum, and clean up after him and my son. He sits on his computer when he gets home from work and really doesn't do much else. He expects me to make him dinner every night (even when there is left overs to eat) because I am a stay at home mom (but I work 1am to 7am in the early morning hours). He spends the money he should be putting towards bills on snakes and stuff for them. He automatically assumed that the money I got from my family for christmas was half his--so he took half. All my money goes to bills and his bills (because I don't want his credit destroyed) but he spends his on himself. I want to break up with him but we have started planning so much of our future that it's making it hard for me to let go. Help!!
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female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (28 December 2010):
 5 months and you're already living together and seriously planning the future eh? I bet he was drooling talking to you thinking about how he was going to lay back and mooch off you.Talk to him now and change your approach immediately. Stop mothering him and see if he steps up to the plate. Better to find out now than spend 20 years miserable.
A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (28 December 2010):
 The easiest way to stop this behaviour is to stop treating him like he's your child. Why should you worry about his credit and pay his bills? They're not your responsibility, they're his. Why should you cook his meals every night when it goes completely unappreciated? He has two hands and is perfectly capable of cooking something himself.
As I always say, you teach people how to treat you. By taking care of him in spite of this behaviour, you're teaching him it's all right to take you for granted. He knows you'll do it anyway, no matter what he does or doesn't do. Does that really sound like an equal relationship?
What incentive does he have to get up off his ass if you're the one taking care of everything and mothering him?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): our worst habits only get worse with time. If you dont like his actions now they will only grow. I dont belive in trying to change people. So if he is the kinda guy who likes to be lazy and chill out in stead of tidy up and do the dishes- accept your going to do all the house work forever. (not all that bad if he has other good skills) or move him allong to find the girl of his dreams who will jump out of bed and iron his shirt and make him breaky, and feel good about it.
We all have our nature. Embrace it .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): Serioulsy, welcome to my world.
You think hes mooching now ... hes just getting started honey.
Your long term includes spousal support when you divorce, because thats exactly what this type of man does.
I had to go so far once to rip up my paycheque so that he wouldnt spend it. That was embarrasing asking for a replacement and having to tell my employer why.
You are in a no where relationship with a child. Stop being his mother, you already have a child to care for.
Read back on all of these postings, learn from our mistakes before you get in any deeper.
I learned near the end of my marriage, that I would rather be alone, than miserable and with someone I hated and resented ... I hope you listen, I really do.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (27 December 2010):
 hi
have you told him how you feel about this? he has only lived with you for three months so he should still be on his best behaviour. if he is like this now whats he gonna be like later on?? i think you should stop doing stuff that he 'expects' you to do. your not his slave. look after him but dont do things that you feel are too much. i would be interested to know what his upbringing has been like. maybe he has parents that never trained him to do his fair share of chores while growing up. my friend was in this same situ, her boyfriend moved in with with her and her kids and he didnt think he should have to contribute financially to the house coz he had his own debt already but eventually she spoke to him about it and he has gone loads better (still gets away with it now and again though if he can!) tell him exactly how you feel and then its his choice. if he wants to keep you and remain living with you he will improve, if he doesnt care enough to improve let him go. dont allow your home to be used as somewhere cheap for him to live. if he's a real man he should want to contribute
xx
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A
female
reader, lucy.whittaker +, writes (27 December 2010):
 This man really doesn't sound like a good egg. If I were you I would tell him to shape up or get out. If nothing changes then he's got to go - don't let him take you for granted. It sounds like you work really hard to support yourself and your son. You're worth so much more than to have to answer to a lazy and inconsiderate person.
You mentioned his attitude to your money. It's always a very difficult problem when it is one in a relationship. He is clearly under the illusion that he has some kind of claim to what is yours because he is the man. If this is the kind of philosophy that you really want to have in your home and influencing your son then by all means try to make it work. But if you're having these kinds of doubts now, surely it's an indication that something is seriously wrong?
Maybe he doesn't realise the hurt he's causing you, so talking to him about how you feel is the first step. Perhaps he will be willing to change. However, men with that kind of attitude will rarely be able to let go of their bad habits. Give him a chance and see how it goes, but by the sounds of it he will continue to take you for granted and never appreciate the efforts you go to.
Good Luck,
Lucy XxX
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A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (27 December 2010):
 online dating for two in those two did you have days/nights where you actually saw him and how his household behaviour was? I don't see anything wrong with expecting a cooked meal ready at home unless of course its been cooked and his late getting home to dinner when yes the left overs are suffice.
Sounds more like he is leeching off you, you have said yourself He spends the money he should be putting towards bills on snakes and stuff for them. He automatically assumed that the money I got from my family for christmas was half his--so he took half. All my money goes to bills and his bills (because I don't want his credit destroyed) but he spends his on himself.
If he isnt helping you keep a roof over your heads by contributing to the bills what not why is he still in your house? Move on find someone who is going to help contribute to helping you financially as well as emotionally your not running a backbacker hostel.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (27 December 2010):
 Sounds like you bit off more than you can chew with this one. I think it's time for you and him to sit down for a talk. You aren't his mommy and you aren't his keeper. He needs to man up and start doing his share around the house.
Quit paying his bills and worrying about his credit. He needs to learn from his mistakes and be responsible.
I really think you leapt into this relationship with your eyes closed. You are living with a 30 year old boy, not a man.
if he doesn't shape up soon, i'd send him packing before you get even deeper.
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A
female
reader, unhappy78 +, writes (27 December 2010):
Don't make the same mistakes I did. Get out now before you have invested more time into this situation. He is taking advantage of your good nature.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark +, writes (27 December 2010):
 Honestly. You need to have a talk with him. If he doesn't listen it's time to ditch him. He's a mooch.
Also I reccomend you stop cleaning up after him, stop making him dinner, stop doing his laundry, ect ect.
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