| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have been seeing a married man for almost 4 years he has been married 6 yrs. I know I will be judged and for the most part for what I have read on this topic, answers seem to be one sided. Always blaming the mistress. It takes two selfish,cheaters to cheat and create a mess. Don't judge unless you have been there. However your opinion will be appreciated.-I fell in love with this married man and he says he loves me to, but always under his conditions, which I have tried to live with until now. I ALWAYS understood that he would never end his marriage and I also would not want that to happen, because in the end him and I would probably not work out. We ended the relationship for a while and I kept my distance and tried to move on with my life, but he contacted me again (said he missed me and I went back again) We said I would be faithful to him and would only be with him (like a secret girlfriend). In recent months I realize that I was in the losing end of this whole relationship, we argued , because I wanted to spend more time with him,but he would always seem to convince me that he was giving me all he could and I was being selfish for not appreciating that little things he did for me. I guess love is really blind.I was and have been on birth control, so I can truly say this pregnancy is an accident I am not here to trap anyone, because for the most part I always pick up the bill for the motel or hotel room. ( he never comes to my house, because he said he doesn't trust himself and much rather not know where I live).I started feeling sick and went to the Dr's and was told I was pregnant I am currently 2 months at that time I was about 1 month .I told him about it and he said he loves me very much , but we can't be having babies together, which I completely understand. On the other hand he said that if I get an abortion, we could continue with this relationship for a long time. Seeing each other once a week for 1 hour in a motel room which for the most part I pick up the bill, because he never carries cash with him or me driving 45 miles out to see him at one of his sporting events for 20 minutes to an hour if he has time.For the last year or so, he has been wanting to control my life , by making me feel guilty when he calls and I can't pick up the phone, or if I talked to a guy at work I am already flirting and cheating on him. I have to be very careful what I say or who I mentioned , were I am going or with who, because if he does not like it, it will lead up to an argument.I love him very much and try to live , by his rules, but he doesn't understand that I am not married he is and If I have decided to be with him is because I really love him.My question here is. Does he love me or am I just the other women on the side? If I go through and continue the pregnancy he said he will NO longer see me and I can do what ever I want if I go get an abortion all will remain the same he will continue to see me when ever he can. He has also said that I should pay for abortion and he will help me later with the bill.I have a great job and can afford a child. I am just seeking an opinion here , I am not here for anyone to pass judgment on me. I think the only person who will have the right will be my child , we are all human and we make mistakes, it's how we go about fixing them that determines how human we really are. I have NO intentions of telling his wife, she was here before I was and it's not my place to cause her pain. I think that by having a secret relationship with her husband I have done enough.I know that no one should or can make a decisions for me. I just seek an opinion. I have not told anyone, because I don't know how to bring this upon my family and friends. In the end the options that he has given me are: If I continue the pregnancy I am on my own financially and emotionally (which I am fine with that) the other option if I really love him like I say I do I should get an abortion and he will continue to see me , can this really be love or I am just fooling myself.Thank you for reading and I am prepared to take anything that is thrown at me,but people should not judge so hard as there is more to this story than what can be written here.
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abortion, at work, fell in love, flirt, married man, mistress, move on Reply to this Question
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female
reader, its ok  +, writes (27 January 2011):
I agree with the poster who said dump the guy,keep the baby
A
male
reader, badbadboy  +, writes (26 January 2011):
I wont bore u with any details, i'll just tell what u need to do. It is my doing only to show u the way, whether u tread that path is ur willing.
1)Get an abortion done. (u dont want to raise that sovereign of disaster, as long as u live it keeps reminding u of this painful relation)
2) Change ur contact info
3)Stay away from him
4) Move on preferably start seeing someone (once u start moving away from such high emotional situations or relations u will need someone to share ur feeling or just fall back on emotionally)
All the best...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): Best choice, from what I can tell from what you have written is fraught with problems. But, this is what I'd advise. Not everyone will agree, but you really need to cut off all contact with the man. Never speak to him again, ever, for any reason, don't tell him what you are going to do with the baby. He is the worst kind of user, and you have been used badly.Bluntly, this is a bad man, and you have been badly treated by him and his wife has as well.Keep the baby...which brings up other complications.Get counseling and work on yourself so that you can be a good mother to the child. You really desperately need a good counselor.The child may some day want to know who the father is, big problem, but hopefully you will meet someone who will be a true father to that child and that child will never ask. That person, whoever it is, who becomes the "father", should know that the "bio father" was not someone you want to expose this child to and hopefully this secret can be carried to the grave by everyone.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (26 January 2011):
He doesn't love you, he is just using you and manipulating you to get his selfish needs met. His wife should be pitied for being married to a scum like him. No woman deserves a husband like this. Not only is he cheating on her and betraying her, but he's treating his mistress (you) like crap too. He has no regard for anyone's feelings except his own.I don't think he loves you at all. He just loves himself.Are you sure you love him? What makes you say you love him, when he treats you like a doormat?Evidence that your relationship is based on you being his doormat:1) He says he will never leave his wife yet wants to continue an affair with you even when you had tried to break up with him (this is common among cheating married mend). 2) Your relationship is on his terms only. You're always available and have to work around his schedule. You get the crumbs, basically.3) You are the one who foots the bill for your liasons4) He is MARRIED i.e. he is having sex with someone else, i.e. his wife. But you have to remain faithful to him?? Why did you agree to be faithful to him when he's not faithful to you (least of all because he is married)5) Despite doing nothing for you, he tries to control you. What gives him any right AT ALL to make any sort of demands on you when he's not doing anything for you in return? This relationship is you doing all the giving and him doing all the taking.6) Now that you're pregnant with his child, he's looking out for himself only and has complete disregard for YOUR feelings as well as his own unborn baby. This is despicable.I'd like to elaborate a bit more on the last bit, about your pregnancy and him wanting you to abort the baby if you want to continue a relationship with him or else him abandoning you and his baby.He fathered this child. Yet if you carry the child, he will basically abandon and turn his back both his own flesh and blood and the mother of his child (i.e. you)??this is incredibly selfish of him.It's clear that he has only his self interests in mind. He does not want his own child in his life, he does not want his wife and family to know he fathered a child with you.Yet he's perfectly happy to carry on his affair with you (in which he treats you like dirt), behind his wife's back, as long as the "evidence" (which is all his unborn baby is to him) is disposed of.This is despicable. It's clear that he does not love you, he has only his own self interests at heart which is getting his needs met by you while you take the fall for everything.I think you should leave him. He's using you for his own selfish needs and discarding you. It's just not good for your own psychological and emotional health to be treated this way. Already this relationship seems to have eroded your self-esteem. You're obviously a capable bright woman, you've got a good job that will allow you to support your child on your own. You can do so much better than this pathetic scumbag. but by now you're so used to being treated like dirt that your self esteem has been worn away so you continue to allow him to treat you like this and you continue to cling to the relationship. Open your eyes and see what is happening. This relationship is very unhealthy for you, because he does not care about you and is just using you and discarding you.If you for some reason want to continue this relationship him but don't want to abort your unborn child, how about giving the child up for adoption? Or he can sign away his parental rights if he truly wants nothing to do with his child. But to want you to abort the child just because it is "evidence" to be used against him, is despicable. This child is a human LIFE. I'm actually pro-choice, but I just think his reasons for wanting you to get an abortion, are disgusting. So your choices are:A) abort the baby so you can keep the relationship with him. BUT I implore you to really think hard about whether you should be staying in this relationship because it's so unhealthy for you and so unfair to you. You do yourself a disservice by staying in this relationship.B) Keep the baby and have him leave you. (I think you would be better off without him, in the long run)C) Have the baby but give him/her up for adoption and maybe he will want to continue the relationship with you (but again, do you really want to continue this relationship?)D) Keep the baby but have him sign away his parental rights and maybe he will want to continue the relationship
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A
female
reader, Nonamus +, writes (26 January 2011):
Dump the guy. Keep the baby and don't look back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): You are the woman he keeps around - on the side. Why should he get to have it both ways? He's completely using you. You can do SO much better! You seem like a really good person - you deserve a full time man!
As far as your pregnancy goes, you have to do what you're comfortable with. I don't think you need to please this man. He just wants you there for his pleasure and as it suits him. Wouldn't you rather have a relationship with a man you can count on and reason with? Imagine a relationship where you can negotiate!?
You come across as a smart person - you must already realize this! It seems like you're really into this guy for whatever reason, but I can assure you there ARE better guys out there for you.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (26 January 2011):
It's not love to "reward" your secret girlfriend with cheap motel trysts if she has an abortion. And it's not love to threaten said girlfriend with never seeing her again if she chooses to keep the baby. Choosing to keep or abort a baby is a tough choice, the hardest I have ever made, and my boyfriend was there talking to me, listening to me, respecting me, and comforting me through the whole process. He told me his opinions, but said he would support my decision. Never did he say he would leave me. I'm very sorry you are faced with this decision, and it's not something I can help you with. But I can answer your question, and tell you that he does not love you, and he is a selfish, manipulative, controlling jerk. He is cheating on his wife, and making it so that you have no freedom in your life, even though technically you are single, or pretty close to it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): Just remember love is ALWAYS selfless, kind, generous, and honest. If it isn't, it is not love. You and he may need, want, admire, or lust for each other but you must never confuse those things with love, many do. You also should judge your actions by putting yourself in the other persons place, in this case his innocent wife, your unborn baby and your sick, selfish a-hole of a "boyfriend" I hope you find some self respect, I really do. When you do, take it from me, honest, loving, sexy men are literally EVERYWHERE, you should try one of those.
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A
female
reader, nanie20 +, writes (25 January 2011):
 Okay, stop!! How much do you love yourself this man is seriously stupid because there are no other words to describe him. I'm an not going to judge you because I understand sometimes guys are charming enough to fool us.You have to ask your self if you could keep on living like this by his rules. Sometimes you need to be selfish and do things you want to...ask yourself do you want the baby?I doubt that man loves you because if he would even if it was a secret baby like your a secret girlfriend he would want you to keep it.Right now its all about him him him him....when is it going to be about you?If he loves you he'll stick around with or without a baby. Now I think that having the baby is going to be the best thing you could do. Specially if its going to end that relationship that in my opinion is only hurting you. BE SELFISH AND KEEP THE BABY live for him now not for his father...you can do it girl be strong and keep the baby if the is what you want to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): Put the man out of you head, what you have to decide is do you want a baby? Then go from there.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (25 January 2011):
 Oh yeah, abortion is a great way for him to keep you a secret and not have to pay child support. Just a thought.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 January 2011):
I'll get to the point.
There is no love at all from this man. None. He's a very controlling man who has had his way at your expense entirely. He's basically made it clear that he will not leave his wife, which is the same as saying "you're the mistress, that's all, if you want more ha-ha".
You should read the post that Dirtball has placed a link to. It's a good post, and might offer some advice to you.
As for the abortion, that's your choice. All I know is that you've been used by this guy, and have nothing to show for it. I think it's more likely that the abortion will leave you miserable beyond your imagination. Maybe the child will put your life in a new perspective that will make up for the mistake you've made. Maybe that's the way you should look at this.
Just please don't do the standard mistress thing, which is to continue to imagine/delude yourself/be blinded to the fact that this man doesn't give a damn. He doesn't. This is the man who has made your pregnant, and wants you to have an abortion because he's married.
So much here in this post shows that you mean so little to him. Worst, you always pay. You know what that means? You mean less than his money.
You are the woman on the side, who is now pregnant. Best to end the relationship and at least have something that will give your life meaning. I suspect that if you have the abortion, and just continue to be a piece of meat to this man who is clearly using you, you'll wind up in a very dark place, totally alone.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (25 January 2011):
 Oh Gosh, I for one would never be unkind in my response to you. Your post awfully hard to read and made me very sad. There are so many things going on here, I don't know where to begin, but I think I should address the largest issue first - I think you should make an appointment with a competent therapist. You need to explore the reason you feel you deserve so little out of life. There are clearly low self esteem issues to explore, that are beyond the scope of an advice column, for you to address. I think it would be wise to explore your pregnancy dilemma with a professional as well. This is a moral dilemma. No one can answer this question for you, but a therapist would be able to help you sort it out. I am afraid dear, that there is lot in your life that needs sorting out, but you knew that, didn't you? Please seek professional help.It appears that you are successful in other areas of your life. You have a good job and are financially secure enough to raise a child on your own. So why do you feel you deserve so little from the man, or any man, in your life? Use some of the strength you pour into your career to get a referral of a credentialed, licensed, therapist. This could be a psychiatrist, psychologist, or family/marriage counselor. Like any profession there are good ones and bad ones out there, so take your time to pick one that will do you some good. It appears that you can afford it.As far as the other questions you pose about the man, just read what you have written. Pretend it is a sister or a best friend describing this relationship. What advice would you give someone you really care about? Think for a minute...now tell yourself that.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (25 January 2011):
I think people are entitled to weigh in with their opinion that what the two of you have done is just plain wrong. It needs to be said, especially in this day and age when it's so easy to cheat and when many people view marriage as a form of dating instead of a lifelong commitment that should not be lightly interfered with. The collateral damage to everyone involved is simply too great to justify this sort of behavior. The next time a married man comes at you, run the other way as if your hair was on fire.
Having said that, I think like most women who get enmeshed in these dysfunctional relationships with unavailable men, you are kidding yourself if you think this guy truly cares about you. If he really cared about you, he would not have engaged in an extra-marital affair with you in the first instance and he certainly wouldn't have gotten you pregnant and then try to blackmail you emotionally. I can't grasp why you would want to be involved in a relationship with such a prick as this. This guys sounds absolutely horrible. Trust me when I tell you...real love looks nothing like the train wreck you are currently involved in. Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): Abortion is not a dirty word. Forcing this unwanted child upon your married lover is .Your lover has made his wishes very clear. He does not want this kid. He is going to leave you in any event. It is just a sex thing to him.Read your saga very carefully. If someone else was relaying this mess to you, what would u say to her?No rocket science here: f*ck buddy wanting more. Reality is there is no 'more' to your affair.You are right there are always 2 in an affair and both are equally guilty however, don't worry about the other party. Look at yourself and why you do what you do. You made a choice to be a mistress. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You can end this affair at any time but u made a choice not to. You are not a victim here.I think u will be doing an injustice to bring an unwanted baby into this world. Your married lover will resent it. You are trying to trap him. Its not working honey so plse do the right thing.LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (25 January 2011):
Does he love me or am I just the other women on the side?
You're just the woman on the side. He told you that when he said he would never leave his wife.
I suggest you read this: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-tell-my-daughter-about-her.html
That woman was in your situation. Now she's trying to figure out how to explain it to her daughter.
Really, he sounds like an overly controlling jerk. He accuses you of cheating while he's having an affair with you and cheating on his wife. "Hello Mr. Pot, this is the kettle, You're BLACK!"
I'm not going to weigh in on the abortion issue, but I do think you're better off without this man, regardless of how you may feel.
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