A
female
age
36-40,
*assymouse
writes:The lecturer I fancy knows my name and i think he likes me. He's married but he's been with her for over 15 years (even though hes only 35, i'm 20) and has indicated to me he's a bit bored.He's so clever and interesting and i'm dying to spend time with him, so i try my hardest to set up meetings for "help". He's so lovely and we get on really well. I know if anything is to happen, i need to make the first move, but how can i be sure he likes me, and he isn't just being friendly? What should i do? In a few months i wont be his student anymore, so i'm planning to act! Help! xxx Reply to this Question
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female
reader, sassymouse +, writes (17 May 2008):
sassymouse is verified as being by the original poster of the question Just want to say thanks to everyone, the consensus is obviously that i shouldnt do anything so i'm going to stay away. sorry to anyone who has been hurt in the past by a situation like this. i realise now how wrong it is! xxx
A
female
reader, angelbella  +, writes (16 May 2008):
take it from someone who has been hurt from a situation similar to this one. My husband left me and my 3 kids after 14 yrs together and went to someone who is 12 years younger. He has very little contact with my kids and that kills them. It was not fair of his "mistress" to make herself available for him and now there is a very broken family who loved each other alot. I would never be the "mistress" for the reason being that i know how it hurts and i've seem the pain that the kids go through. Its not the right thing to do, find a man closer to your age who is available and will treat you with respect. A man who will leave a family behind to be with you has little or no respect for anyone but himself
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A
male
reader, uncle_baj +, writes (12 May 2008):
 stay away,you want to be labelled a homewrecker? imagine if you found the man of ur dreams,built your whole life around them and decided he was the one,then some girl came along at his work and stole him from u,A) how would that make u feel? and B)how would u feel towards the grl?knowing she knew about u?..... need i say anymore? u play wth fire and u Will get burned
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A
female
reader, shadowcat  +, writes (12 May 2008):
 Girl, really, stop;put them brakes on! Let's examine the facts:
1) He is a 35 year old man. His expectations of a relationship, thus, are going to be different than yours as are his emotional needs: 22 year old men rarely marry these days (the ultimate deepest commitment of all) and women less and less. Soo, if he's already taken one jaunt down the aisle it should be logical his expectations of you beyond sex will be bigger.
2) He is bored with his wife, you say? Hmmm. (Imitating Freud) Verrry interesting, mein Fräulein. Most marriages have troubles when communication is lax or when there is emotional strife-it makes one or both partners seek the comfort of another. a substitute (at first) for what their spouse should have given them. This puts you in an awkward position: if you turn out to be this surrogate, you are at a disadvantage: you are still pretty young. It could be that he is seeking out sexual excitement from you and the possibility for growth beyond this could be stymied. (See above for why.)
3) You are 22 years old and about to go off into the world-in your lifetime, metaphorically, it is spring. -Go out and enjoy it. As wonderful and charming
as this man is, there is more than likely somebody out there who is even better. You are just beginning to live your life and as you are graduating that means you are going to meet many more men that are just as interesting as he is (plus, the conversation may extend beyond a school subject or long into the night, who knows....)
Last, I am 25 years old; I live in New York City and am just finishing a degree. There has been at least one man that has captured my eye in my time here: about 6'2", blue eyes, curly dark hair, slight case of five o'clock shadow, and with a tart wit-in other words, irresistible. This same man is at least 42 and was my advisor on my thesis, never mind married and an older man! Though he never showed much interest in me I was absolutely attracted to him, even in spite of my best efforts to drown myself in denial. ( I admit that I caught myself checking him out during Power Point presentations...;)
On the other hand, in essence, he was my BOSS. If a relationship began it could get messy for the school, for me, and for him; better that I learn to do this now because if it happened in a workplace a year from now things could get hideously worse, including getting sacked. I knew he was very much married, and that I DO NOT tolerate competition-all too often men who seek out something absent in their marriage run back and forth between the wife and the lover, with both sides demanding his attention, upping the ante if they must. (Yes, dearie, if you do go after him and he reciprocates, you will have to compete with her...and more than likely, she will win as she has that history with him.) Perhaps you're different, but I'd LOATHE the idea of any other woman with my man unless she answered to the name "Mother Superior."
I also knew right on up to the last class I had with him that there was a big world out there more likely to have Mr. Wonderful in it than in a school-he could have the same great looks, the same ability to make me laugh, but better yet he would be closer to me in age. (It helps when someone has the same frame of cultural reference.) So I parted with him, wished him well, and although sometimes it was trying I think I did a great job as he has no clue that I had any feelings for him. I strongly suggest you do the same, and if that weren't enough, here are some words from a very old ballad (apparently your predicament isn't new:)
Come all ye fair and tender ladies/ Be careful how you court young men.
They're like a star on a summer's morning/They first appear and then they're gone.....
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (12 May 2008):
 I assume you haven't been in a long term relationship - for if you had you would realise that it isn't all rosey rosey like when you first start dating and the sex is great, and you never fight, and you love all the same stuff...blah blah blah....but that is not to say that it isn't wonderful on so many other levels.
I suspect that your MM does love his wife/life/family...but that the attention you give him is intoxicating...you look up to him, stroke his ego, you're young etc....
I think the question you should really be asking is why are you even considering acting on this impluse? What will you gain?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): You don't get invloved with someone who is married! Karma will come back to bite you!
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A
female
reader, Twirly +, writes (12 May 2008):
 If you go ahead and make a move then he may well reciprocate but Im pretty sure he'll drop you like a hot potato afterwards.
It is very unlikely that this man will risk his marriage for you, whatever indications he may be giving you about being bored at home.
I suggest you go an look at some of the questions on here from people who have had affairs with married men and who now regret it, are heartbroken over it or are in tatters after it.
It will end in tears, and most probably yours.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): To anon who stated:
"screw the wife, screw what anyone else will say!"
uh, okay. I understand love and interest, and I understand how strong it can be. But I'm telling you, you always have a choice! I've been madly in "love" with someone I could not have. I'd lose sleep over it and feel like there was NO ONE else I'd ever feel this crazy about... But hey, I'm so glad I didn't act, because 5 years later I met someone who 187017350 better than I could possibly imagine and avoided the nasty ripple effect that goes along with getting involved with a married man. Often that available man who you can't even imagine yet, is not looming on the horizon for you to see right now. Eventually you DO come across him. Lose your character and dignity and you'll pay later, and won't attract the real thing because what's attractive about someone who said "screw the wife, screw what anyone else will say!" Your sabotoging your own happiness, so go ahead, but in a few years down the road, don't say someone didn't warn you!
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A
female
reader, sassymouse +, writes (11 May 2008):
sassymouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the two latest anonymous writers - thanks for your input although i think its a little harsh to say "people like you" ruin lives etc etc, obviously im thinking twice about doing anything otherwise i wouldnt be on here. Its not like i rushed out and took him away from his wife. But thanks anyway for what you've said - i will take it on board.To the anonymous writer...you say you're in the same sort of situation...have u done anything?? will you?? Let me know if you can!Thanks so much everyone :) xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): Lady,
What you have to realize that is that married men DO sometimes get tempted by women other than their wives. The reason many don't bite the bait is because it's WRONG and would hurt a lot of people. Most marriages need that monogamy and security, just like he probably needs that from his own wife. And it's just wrong for people like you to push men to cheat simply because you have sparked their interest. Many married men think about it, but don't do it. And for good reason. It hurts friends, relatives, children, themselves...it might seem like a solution at the time, but it's not. There's more at stake here than you realize. I would just leave it alone. He's only 35 isn't an excuse. In fact, nothing is. He might have said he was bored after the 1st year, but that's his way of "remembering" things and I'm sure there's much more to the story than what you're getting.
Hopefully one day you'll understand.
Remember: Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008): no offence but it is people like you who dont care about the people who would be getting hurt in the situation (his wife, children) . Until you are the wife who is being sacked for a much younger girl, you have no idea how it feels. Stay away from the married man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008): I think you should see if he's interested. i know your situation, as i myself am in one similar, and i know that even though everyone else will be saying to move on and find someone with the same qualities as this guy, you can't just do that! its harder than that. if you really like this guy, then someone new isn't going to appear on the horizon any time soon, so i'd say, make the move! screw the wife, screw what anyone else will say!Best of luck to you xx
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A
female
reader, sassymouse +, writes (10 May 2008):
sassymouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your advice everyone. Jitter Cakes yes he did say he was bored. We had a fieldtrip and one night in a bar we ended up chatting (admittedly a bit drunkenly) and he said he'd been with her for nearly 17 years but he was bored after 1. He has no photos of her in his office and they dont seem like they spend any time together. I see what you mean about the whole playing away thing, but doesnt anybody think that i should maybe just put the idea out there for him to grab if he wants to, and if he doesnt thats fine, then i move on? I know he's married and thats obviously the main problem about all of this, but hes only 35, doesnt anybody think i should let him know how i feel, so he can know for sure, and i can know how he feels. Then we can draw a line underneath it. Or is it definitely still a resounding NO all round? Thanks to everyone xxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008): Plenty of fish in the sea, lol, what you should be saying to yourself is, "I find this guy attractive, I need to find a guy like that" rather than "I find this guy attractive, I want THAT GUY." Dude is married, if you both wanna fling, then fling, but so long as you both understand what it is. Sure you might ruin a family if they find out, but hey, it's his life. Best of luck, I wish you the best, lol.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008): Act and you open a whole can of worms!
Lady, so what if he flirts with you? So what if he's seems a little board?? There's so much more to most marriages than occassionally feeling bored hun. No, no and no! You just DON'T go there. Remember: wife, children, friends, relatives.... you have some NERVE. eek!
Again, plenty of other fish in the sea!!!! Don't do this! For your sake too. Hard to get your OWN character and happiness back after something like that. I know your curious and crazy about him, so make a mental note of what you find attractive and look for it in single men. There will be plenty of those.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (9 May 2008):
 :o?
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A
female
reader, sassymouse +, writes (9 May 2008):
sassymouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know what you mean. And of course I've thought that too. And i dont mean to come across as big headed, he's flirted with me quite a bit and he gives me vibes. He doesnt get much attention in general, but I just want to get closer and dont know how to do it!!xxx
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (9 May 2008):
Hi
Hey act if you want to be a savior for a sad bored 35 yr old and a confidence boost to him! I mean, afterall, its not like he's brainy enough to cotton on that a 20 yr old isn't a better bet stability wise than his reliable partner of 15 yrs.
You're setting yourself up for a fall.
It depends what you actually want at the end of the day, and how much you think of yourself.
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, :):):) +, writes (9 May 2008):
This is a tough one. He very well may like you, but the bottom line is hes married and even if he wanted to he probably wont do anything about it.
Do you really want to play second best to someone else? I'm sure you deserve more.
It could cause allsorts of problems, for him, his wife, his job and ofcourse for you honey.
Unless his situation changes within the next few months I wouldnt act on anything.
There are plenty more fish in the sea.
Good luck
xxx
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