A
female
age
41-50,
*nfaithful?
writes:I´ve been married for nine years but together for 16. Since the beginning of our marriage, and because of our personalities we´ve fought often but have remained together (this mostly because before we got married I cheated on him once, and he found out until after we married). For a while now I´ve felt I should leave since he has hurt me so much often telling me I´ll do it again. He can be a real prince and he makes me feel great, in love, but other times he can be so hurtful. I know this sounds like a toxic relationship but I just can´t bring myself to leave him because we have 3 young children. And now, i´ve befriended someone who I always thought of as being attractive. he´s an older man, going through a divorce. I swore to my husband I´d never cheat again, but he´s always made me feel so bad about that one time, So why shouldn´t I?, since he acts like I´ve cheated all these years. I´m I trapped? Help me get some sense back and stop thinking that my marriage was a mistake and that this new man can be my lifesaver....please
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female
reader, vickie761  +, writes (31 March 2011):
As bad as he is making you feel, don't cheat. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, but known each other for 12 years. We've been together about 2 different times,but this is serious. I've cheated on him one time only because i wasnt sure who i wanted to be with, but he didn't understand i chose him. When you really hurt a mans' feelings, they hurt and i know first hand because I have a man that still can't get over the fact i cheated on him, and we weren't even together a long time. Just the other day i went to the library and just because i didnt get home till 8:00, ok it was late, but i left school at 3 and didn't get there till 4, then I have this big paper due and I needed help. In reality I only stayed at the library for like two and half hours. When i got in the house boy, boy, boy, He was quite and I knew he thought I cheated because i didnt answer my phone till I finished talking to the lady at the library. long story short, he just thought i cheated because i went off of my usual schedule. he makes me feel bad sometimes, and sometimes I wish I really cheated, but when you get caught the only thing he will say is "I knew you were cheatin". just try to tell him and show him you love him more(only if he's doing what he suspose to do for you and your fam)and explain to him that that was the past and If he can't trust you, he's going to literally push you away. Maybe that will work!
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (5 June 2010):
 Why shouldn't you? 3 small children. Let me ask you something. Would you let your kids watch? I ask this because when I had kids I visualize as if my kids are judging my actions daily. I don't do anything that I can't openly discuss with my kids. If I can't say, "dad's going to see _____ for _____ and will return _____, I shouldn't be doing it in the first place.
You recognize the first time you cheated, it was wrong to do so. What was equally as wrong was keeping it a secret from however long you had. The statement, "he found out", he shouldn't have had to. You should have told him. Why? Although cheating is wrong, and hurts and the traumatic pain has been found to be equal or close to that of someone who'd been raped, if you would have told him, you two could have worked on it sooner, and HE WOULD HAVE MORE TRUST IN WHAT YOU SAY.
I don't doubt your words because you don't owe us or have to prove anything to us. What's happening is he hasn't released the pain from what had happened. When he brings it up over and over again, it releases a small amount, only to increase to the higher level when he does it again. I want you to allow him to release this. You sit down. No talking or trying to justify actions, and I want you to allow him to tell you how your cheating made him feel. (not a bad girl you cheated session). For example, "because of your cheating, I feel like I'm not good enough as your husband." etc. At the end, when it's released, he needs to forgive you completely. Reason being, this subject is not to come back into your marriage. True forgiveness is not forgetting, it's acknowledging that "although you did...." you are important to him, and the one he still desires to be with.
The problem I see here as well, is your befriending someone. During and after this process, if you feel at all tempted, you'll need counseling, and you'll need to cut ties with this friendship. Remember, you can never fix what's inside a marriage, by looking outside. When he forgives you, I want you to forgive yourself. It's time for your marriage and your children to receive both of your focuses.
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A
female
reader, mum45  +, writes (5 June 2010):
How long is he going to punish you for your mistake? .If keeps throwing it at you , he will wreck what is left of your love for him and your children will suffer too. I would ask him to come to counselling to sort it out or your marriage will not survive .
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A
female
reader, AnOldSoul +, writes (5 June 2010):
You cheat on your husband and say that he is the one hurting you? He is obviously STILL hurt that you have betrayed him and needs reassurance constantly, because you made him so insecure. And now, that he clearly shows signs of worrying and thinks you might betray him AGAIN, you play hurt as if he has no reason to think so and as a "revenge" you wonder if you should hurt him again? What kind of woman/human are you?
If you consider cheating, divorce him and start over. Don't be a slut going around (again) behind your husbands back and shifting all the blames on to him. It was you who screwed up so grow up and take the responsibility for what you have done.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 June 2010):
Because if you do, he gets to say that he was right while you get to look bad in front of everyone, including you kids of they find out. There are two ways this marriage can go. Either you and he have to go to counselling, or you need to end it. Don't cheat, or you give him what he wants and he will use it against you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): Yes, I think marriage counseling would be a good idea. Your husband clearly has trust issues; it is utterly heart breaking to be betrayed by someone you love, and I don't think him finding out about this til after you got married helped.
I also know it is frustrating to be accused of it constantly, and he is driving you away. Talking to someone objective will help you both.
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A
female
reader, Myrrh +, writes (5 June 2010):
 Hello. It may be tempting to cheat when theres a third party ready to listen and you find them attractive too! But remember hes also going through a lot of bother at the moment. And he may just be seeing you are a companion in misery. Once hes resolved his break up issues and finds his feet, it may be a different story, so i wouldnt look to him for comfort. The bottom line is...do you really love your husband? Because i think he loves you. Alot. But hes having a lot of difficulty trusting you again. Read an answer i gave earlier to another poster who is having problems rekindling love for a cheating husband. My partner cheated and i explained how i felt. It might give some insight. It would be a shame to throw away your marriage and break up the family if you love your husband. Ive found a way to vent and rebuild trust in my partner again. Its working for us and we are much happeir now but thats because i WANT to forgive him. I never accuse him of cheating now. If you take it on the chin when your partner has an "episode" and you are totally trustworthy now, then good on you! You are doing all you can. But he has to meet you half way. If you cant see any change and things arent slowly improving, then hes not recovering. Talk to him about counselling and ask if there will ever be a day when he can forgive you. If hes not interested in either then sadly you both might be better off apart. But sort things out with him rather than seek another man behind his back. That will only make things worse. All the best x
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (5 June 2010):
You're setting yourself up this way. Cheating is always a no-no in a relationship and it always will be. It will always be hard to completely trust someone again if they've betrayed you before. And if you cheat on him now, he'll be right not to trust you. Because then you don't deserve it.
This mindset: "if he thinks it, I might as well make it true" makes me wonder what kind of a relationship this is. This sounds like something a teenager would think. You're far from a teen.
Also, beware of the greener-grass-on-the-other-side phenomenon. What if this new man doesn't turn out to be so great?
I get you're frustrated with your man because he thinks you cheat. So tell him that you know you hurt him badly when you cheated on him but that he's hurting you a lot by not trusting you after all this time. You're pretty much even now. Isn't it time to let go of the past and focus on the future? Tell him to trust you or don't, but that he has to make a decision. Because you don't know how to convince him anymore. He's probably unaware of your feelings. He needs to have himself pushed facefirst into them.
Then, if you are both civilized adults, you might be able to take a step forward and make this work. Whatever you do, don't pursue the other guy unless you have decided to divorce him. You don't want to open that can of worms. Well, I wouldn't anyway.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but you asked and this is what I have to say about it.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (5 June 2010):
 Have you tried marital counseling? I think it might help you. If he won't agree to go try a few sessions by yourself. I know it can be tough to be constantly accused of something you don't plan on doing, and I think a therapist can help you sort through your feelings and see if your marriage is worth saving.
One thing though: the new man is not a lifesaver. No one can change your life except you.
Good luck.
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