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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,I have found the perfect woman, but that's the problem - she's too perfect.She doesn't care that I've just been made redundant, orgasms through penetration alone when we have sex, genuinely finds me physically attractive and explained the fact she slept with 9 men on a FWB/casual basis in the space of 2 years after her first boyfriend cheated on her by saying "I didn't trust anyone after him but still needed sex".This is in sharp contrast to the perception of women I learned when growing up... i.e. cannot orgasm at all through intercourse, is only interested in men because of the ego boost their attentions provide and to get access to whatever financial resources he has, totally disinterested in sex (unless with other women) and will at best tolerate it when in a relationship, let alone actively seek it out when not.I love her but sometime can't help but feel I'm with a man trapped in a woman's body. Is there something wrong with her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011): "If the stereotypical image of women as materialistic, sex-loathing closet lesbians has no basis in reality (as stated by the ladies who responded here), how did it ever become a stereotype in the first place??"Um...how to put this.. it never did!!! What YOU have allowed to filter into your consciousness over your lifetime through possibly porn or may I say, bitter men's forums does not amount to the creation of an ancient stereotype. It made me smile because it was so specific (women considered all over the world to be closet lesbians...? Er... where?) And women as sex-loathing, again, where??? In 1950's UK maybe. One decade doesn't create a classic stereotype. Historically, almost globally women are actually 'stereotypically' considered to be 'needing to be tamed and tethered' otherwise their wild sexual needs will overwhelm them and their men (this at least was a Victorian/Freudian stereotype of women). Indeed in many parts of the world the stereotype of female sexuality is wild, animalistic and unable to be saturated... alongside this 'woman as animal' very common stereotype is woman as fertility icon, as nurturer, as creator and as stabiliser in a society. All these are traditional and fairly ancient stereotypes. (Many of which women have sought to resist at various points in various societies perhaps). Do your 'stereotype' homework and you will find some terrifying female stereotyping but almost the opposite of your rather sweet and innocuous ones...lol!!! Your girlfriend - much as you don't seem to realise it, actually represents the true stereotyping of womanhood: wild, independent, animal, sexual and able to consume her lover. Women trying to conform to the rise in the 1950's of the concept of the 'good girl' was in part a rebellion against the strongly held stereotype that it was actually impossible for them to do that, so fierce were their sexual needs. So the sex-hating female was deemed to be the 'prize' to the 1950's male as she had conquered her wicked desires. :-), this desirability (created by males) would mean she would stay in one place and be loyal to one mate.Just thank the lord your girlfriend is a bit more normal in her response to life than you. (And no, there's nothing wrong with honesty, I like it too).
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011): I think you missed my point. Yes, a woman finds a man sexually attractive in his own right. But that man is then looking at the butts and boobs of every woman who walks by him. Eventually that man is telling his buddy that he would "hit this" and "hit that" and then women become emotionally dead fish because they are drowned the knowledge that they are not what their man wants any more.
Your girl tells you, "You're so sexy" and your response becomes, "yeah whatever" and you roll your eyes. But a pretty girl twenty year young says, "Hey baby," and suddenly you're standing tall and brushing your hair back. That's what that Rhianna song is about. It's about not forgetting that your woman is a sexual creature and that she wants to feel beautiful to you. Not to him, not to that guy over there, not to Brad Pitt. To YOU. And most men forget that. And their wife is crying in the bedroom in her lingerie while he is off talking to anyone else...
Just sayin...
Oh, and that's because men want an ego boost, too. If all your friends say, "Your wife is disgusting," I bet you'll be at the strip club getting a lap dance to prove you're not ugly too....
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (5 September 2011):
It might be helpful to now consider that whilst there is a stereotype of woman being "materialistic, sex-loathing closet lesbians" and some of the other things that you have written, there are also many other stereotypes that woman fit into, and that this stereotype probably doesn't represent the majority of women, by a long shot. Women can also be stereotypically categorised as "loving, nurturing, broody, caring, emotional, supportive" or "emotional, crazy, unpredictable, moody, wild, spontaneous" or "passive, shy, dependant, withdrawn, unadventurous" depending on your experience of women, or the context. The truth is different women can be put in whatever categories we choose to put them in, the same as women do for men, and we all do for all of us really. That doesn't really tell us who other people are. In fact, our stereotypes only tell us and other people more about how we judge others in the world, and the way we view the world and humankind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much to all of you who took the trouble to respond. Your comments were helpful and reassuring.
Incidentally, sorry if I angered anyone - I know the thoughts I expressed in my post sounded bad and misogynistic, mainly because they ARE bad and misogynistic - but I figured that on an anonymous internet forum visited for the purpose of seeking help, it would've been self-defeating to opt for political correctness over honesty.
"Perhaps you should be wondering if there is anything wrong with our social norms or judgements rather than a problem with the individual?"
This is what it all boils down to. The stereotypical perception I struggle with of women and the ways these 'norms' clash with my girlfriend's (wonderful) persona are the source of my discomfort. I suppose what I'm asking is, if the stereotypical image of women as materialistic, sex-loathing closet lesbians has no basis in reality (as stated by the ladies who responded here), how did it ever become a stereotype in the first place??
Along the same lines, I understand why many men end up struggling with retroactive jealousy if they have a partner who went through a 'wild' phase in her youth, as from early adolesence we're bombarded with the message "girls can't handle sex without love and commitment". That's hard to square with tales of hard college partying, hookups and short-term flings.
"Women LOVE to know that their man finds them sexy, beautiful, and hot... There is a song by the singer Rhianna which hits it right on the head "I want you to make me feel like I'm the only one in the world."
Doesn't this demonstrate that the major turn on for a woman is being desired by a man (this is the "ego boost" I referred to in my original post), as opposed to her finding him physically attractive in his own right? I'm reasonably good looking but am nevertheless surprised that my partner fancies me, I just can't imagine a woman looking at me (or any other man for that matter) and feeling the same lust guys feel when we look at them.
Thanks to you all once again. Hopefully with your help I can grow up soon.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (2 September 2011):
 Sounds like you've found a keeper.
Now go buy her something nice to show her you love her. If you can't think of anything get flowers.
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A
female
reader, bunnyblueeyes  +, writes (2 September 2011):
 I don't know where you got your preconceptions on women, But I love sex, I'm with my partner because he's wonderful and can orgasm through pentration!
If those are the only reasons for you thinking she is a man trapped in a womens body then you're most probably wrong!
Don't question what you've found. She may just be perfect for you. Be happy.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (2 September 2011):
The qualities you are describing are:
Understanding, supportive, and self sufficient (re your redundancy)
Sexually open and driven
Expressive
Honest
Open
These qualities are not male qualities, they are human qualities. Often some of these appear more in men than in women, but any human can develop any of these qualities more powerfully than the average.
You have a woman who doesn't conform to the stereotype, or generalisations. Time to throw out your preconcieved notions of what a woman is, or is supposed to be in someones opinion, and embrace the reality of who your woman is.
There is probably nothing wrong with her. Perhaps you should be wondering if there is anything wrong with our social norms or judgements rather than a problem with the individual?
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic +, writes (2 September 2011):
You are a very lucky guy,
Don't ruin your pleasure with these meaning less thoughts
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 September 2011):
 There is NOTHING wrong with your woman. What's wrong is that your views of women are rather skewed..
in my world at least:
women who like women like sex
women who like men like sex
women who like both like sex
in fact, most of us have higher sex drives than our partners at this stage in life and we are the ones initiating sex....
as for orgasms... some orgasms from penetration some do not, just like some men have different orgasmic abilities based on position, activity, time of day, number of previous orgasms, etc etc etc..
as for financial security... most of our circle of friends myself includes makes MORE than the male partner... we are not with our men because we need them. we are with our men because we WANT them.
I am not sure where you picked up these views on women but they need to be changed. Your woman sounds perfectly normal to me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): Thats immorality at its best
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (1 September 2011):
 I think she's perfect, and there is in fact something wrong with you for thinking she's flawed for being that awesome.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (1 September 2011):
 No, nothing wrong with you. Something definitely wrong with your perception of women to begin with.
I can't even begin to tell you how inaccurate your picture of women was before. I don't know who taught you this or what bitter experiences you've had in the past, but it's just grossly mislead.
Women like sex. Yes, even with men. Every woman orgasms in different ways. I know lots of women who orgasm through penetration, lots who do with clitoral stimulation, and some who orgasm through a combination of the two. I know zero who merely tolerate sex, and never seek it. Most of my girlfriends are constantly talking about yearning to get laid, etc. Let me tell you, my fella just went back to his base across the country, and sex is all I can think about!!
And women not interested in men? Merely for the ego boost? That is the strangest assumption of all.
So, not all women are in fact, lesbians - except for the one's who are actually lesbians. And if they are a lesbian, they are 99% of the time not going to be chasing after men for an ego boost. They like women, so they chase after women.
You got lucky with your lady. Now please, let her show you how your vision of women is terribly mislead and untrue. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): Wow... you've learned some really misguided things about women in your life.... You know there are women who are "cold fish," but there are also men who are cold fish, too. It is more of an internal biological thing or people who emotionally supress themselves due to their upbringing who have that issue with intimacy.Also the women who are only willing to date or marry for financial reasons are not healthy in their mental and emotional state, either. Women can be users and abusers just like men. It would be the same if I said the only thing any man wants from a woman is sex and for her to bring him beers, but to keep her mouth shut and cook dinner. It can be harder for women to achieve the Big O because where men are visual, women are mental. If your woman is so stressed out from working full time, and being a housewife while you sit around watching the game and going out every night with your buddies, yeah her ability to get there will go away. Women LOVE to know that their man finds them sexy, beautiful, and hot. They love to be given a lot of physical contact, (you know that whole cuddle thing that most men hate.) Deep down inside we are all cave-women who love the big strong cave man to wrap his arms around us and keep us safe from the lions while we sleep. There is a song by the singer Rhianna which hits it right on the head "I want you to make me feel like I'm the only one in the world." That's the basic, natural, deep seeded instinct in all women. (Why do you think two women will rip each other's hair out over a guy???)Another thing that messes up women's sex life is their homones. If our homones are not right, then our sex life is off, too. Birth control not only works because of the obvious reasons but also because it destroys a woman hormonally and she loses her sex drive. This can cause a woman who is naturally driven to become depressed, which sinks it further. It's horrible! So the thing that stops women from having babies also stops them from caring about sex.... therefore removing the thing that they wanted, which was sexual freedom.Women think about sex as much as men. A healthy, confidant woman who loves you and is attracted to you will want sex from you. Some women are aggressors, some like to be dominated, that's all personality. But women are not all the evil bitches that are portrayed on t.v., and a good woman will love you and stand by you and be a partner to you in all ways, including the bedroom...
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A
female
reader, kittykins +, writes (1 September 2011):
 You're kidding, right??!! What on earth have you been reading?? Nuts magazine?? Zoo??! Too much fairy tale garbage, I'm afraid.
Some women CAN orgasm through penetration,
We aren't all shallow, bleach-blonde, gold diggers,
We like sex, yes that right, we like sex,
and we aren't all fake bisexuals!
Your perception of women is, I'm sorry to say, extremely poor and naive. We are red-blooded human beings like you guys! I have yet to meet a girl that didn't have a high sex drive! Out of all the couples I know, all the girls have a higher sex drive than their guy's!
You really shouldn't be complaining. Men would kill to have a girlfriend like yours! Enjoy her!!!!
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (1 September 2011):
There's a great variation among women, and you seem to have got lucky with this one. It's perfectly normal for a woman to enjoy sex, (9 men in two years is not terribly promiscuous, not that the number of guys she's slept with is anyone's business but hers) and some do orgasm from penetration alone. Sorry, mate, but you're between 30 and 35- have you been living in a monastery until now,or have you just settled for unpleasant women? I suggest you enjoy your present situation and alter your views because if she realizes what a misogynist you seem to be, she's likely to take a hike-and that one sounds like a keeper.
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A
male
reader, mistermann +, writes (1 September 2011):
Everybody is different and there is no definable "norm". Some people have a low sex drive, others have an extremely high one.
I think the real problem is your preconceived ideas of women. Some of the things you said about the perception of women you learnt when growing up are extremely negative. I think you need to address your need to take a look at your own views on women rather than the habits and traits of your girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, LettertoJuliet +, writes (1 September 2011):
You should be happy... Because you seriously found a priceless gem. If she acts like a man it means you most likely won't find many problems with her and probably everything will go quite smoothly, I am not a girly girl myself and believe it is much easier in the relationship like that. Appreciate her, love her...
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