A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My two best friends are dating. And one of them is my crush. Basicly My best friends started dating. She knows i fancied him and his best friend fancies her. He's just a little crush but i cant help thinking that she should have thought about how I felt before starting to date him. You may think this is selfish but he is my ex and we were together for a year.I dont know what to do.
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (5 September 2011):
Glad to hear you have reached a point where you sound sure of where you stand. I would recommend you take any opportunity to tell each of them how you feel about what is going on between the three of you, and be true to yourself regarding who you want to keep as friends and not as your feelings change through those discussions, or stay the same.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks these have helped a lot. He's not worth it. I might be able to be friends with her again but he's gone. no thankyou.
:)
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (2 September 2011):
If two people fall in love, and are not attached, it is ok for them to have a relationship. As a genearal rule.
However, when those two people are both friends with a girl, and the guy is the ex partner of that girl as in your case, it is not as simple as them having a relationship. They need to realise that their relationship affects all of your friendships.
That doesn't mean they shouldn't fall in love, if they are both unattached. It is not for you or anyone else to say they can't, or who can and who cannot fall in love together. What should happen is that they should honour your friendship by speaking to you about it, letting you know how they feel and speaking to you about how you feel, taking your feelings into consideration. They need to acknowledge that if they were to date, it would affect all of your friendships.
I believe in people being true to themselves and their feelings, and I also believe strongly in communication between friends so that when difficult feelings and complexities in relationships arise, they can be talked about and dealt with, so that the relationships can deal with the challenges and complexities that come up in life.
They have not communicated with you, and in doing so, they have let you down as friends, and left you feeling hurt and betrayed.
I recommend you take the steps to do what they did not, that is, communicate with them. Tell them how you feel, that you feel confused, or hurt, or angry, or that you don't know if you can be close to them now that they are going out. Tell them if you are disapponted, if it has affected your trust in them, whatever it is that you feel, tell them. This isn't only for the sake of your relationship, more importantly, it is an opportunity for you to be true to yourself and express your feelings to people who matter to you in a situation where it is a difficult thing to do. Doing this, being true to yourself under pressure, is a very important part of learning to be yourself in the world, and is even more important than what happens with the conversation.
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A
female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (2 September 2011):
 It was really demeaning of your ex to go after your best friend and more demeaning for your friend to accept. Obviously your friendship with them is over as they were never good friends to begin with.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (1 September 2011):
 She knew you still liked him and started dating him and he is your ex as well?!!! That's something kids do when they are 15 and don't know any better; not at 26. At 20 onward, it's called a betrayal. He should have known better as well.
Find new friends.
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A
female
reader, LettertoJuliet +, writes (1 September 2011):
Well women can't have other women friends and not be let down, or you can accept the fact that sometimes it might happen and do not be bothered... Well I have dated a guy who I knew was loved by my friend but I still think he is love of my life and when it comes to such love I don't believe friendship is more important. You should not do anything just try to relax and forget him I bet that there are MANY nice guys around ;)
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A
male
reader, mistermann +, writes (1 September 2011):
It is boundary between friends that shouldn't be crossed, but your friend has unfortunately crossed it.There isn't any easy solution or really anything that you can do. You can't stop the relationship, if two people want to be together there is unfortunately nothing you can do. You could let your friend know how you feel, but it could very well cost your friendship.Personally, in your situation I wouldn't be able to just leave things, I'd be so upset that my friend had done that to me, I'd have to tell them and accept the inevitable fall out.It really depends how strong your friendship is and how strong your feelings are for the person in question. Are your feelings strong enough to potentially ruin a friendship? Or are your feelings for the person in question not strong enough to feel anything other than annoyance that you can remain quiet about to avoid causing an upset?I've said what I would do in the situation, but the decision on the action/inaction you take is only down to you.
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