A
female
age
41-50,
*irehouse
writes:dear all,i am with my current bf for nearly 5yrs. We experienced many ups and downs, of course nearly broke up and patch back again. We ever argued over minor or major issues like married or some other disagreemts.He is very much aware of me waiting to be settle down with him, my family also tried asking him few times when are we settling down as we are cohabitting. I cohabit not bcoz I scared he will have a change of heart, is that I feel like seeing him and find time to spend with him. I am 30yrs old (3 yrs older than him), on and off (during the past 1/2 yr or so, I did posed question of when to settle down). Initial stage his answer is uncertain or hesitant (when our r/s not so stable), but later stage (when it improve but with minor argumts at times), he will say within 2-3yrs time as Im not getting younger but most of the time he was always saying it like in a jokingly manner or funny way, doesnt seem serious.I tried explaining my concerns to him, Im getting not young, I wish to have a status esp we are cohabitting (although he didnt ask for it and I am not blaming him), ppl might change as time passes esp for certain guys etc. Now my mum wants to know when he intend to marry me, but he cant even tell her the within 3yrs answer that he told me, does that mean he is lying to me about within 3yrs? If not lying, then why is he afraid to tell my mum? I hope he can answer truthfully to my mum for an assurance and should have some basic planning after 5yrs of courtship.Although he told me within 2-3yrs but I dont seem to trust completely coz of his attitude, its like certian things he said about marriage in the past, is not being fulfilled. Like wanting to ask his frds on preparations for their marriages, he kept thinking he is too young to settle down, not ready etc. Then when will he be ready?Gals have their concern esp when reach a certain age. He never ever promise me anything and I am waiting wilingly, but rather sick and sometimes thought of whether he will continue in courtship period w/o settling down, its possible to some guys. I am someone who marry someone I really love, not just for the sake of settling down.Its pathetic when ur bf cant decide and not ready to marry you even after 5yrs, although that can happen. Maybe another 3yrs later he is still not ready then what should I do???? Wana let go but cant bear... I hope ladies can undstd my feelings, dont wana force him to marry but how about myself?? Is this guy sparing a thought for me? My frds and family doesnt think gd of our r/s since the past, but I been sticking to it. HOpe ppl out there can really offer some genuine or sincere advice. Thanks alot...)
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (11 September 2011):
Hi. It sounds like he is turned off the idea of marriage by the fact he has close relatives who all divorced.
That is understandable, he doesn't want to become another statistic.
I guess really, it comes down to trusting that you and him could make marriage work for you.
Only time will tell.
It's not really helping that you are applying pressure on him to consider marriage. Especially, as he doesn't seem ready.
Marriage is a huge commitment, and he might not be ready to take the plunge at the moment. There might be other dreams he wants to follow first, before he thinks about settling down.
You might have to ease off on pressuring him about it, otherwise he could just decide that he doesn't need any kind of relationship at the moment. Married or otherwise!
So for that reason, tread very carefully.
A
female
reader, firehouse +, writes (8 September 2011):
firehouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all for the advice, really find it useful but i myself must be able to do it first. I kept on thinking, is it that he dont want to marry me? Otherwise why would he keep avoiding or duno how to answer me/my mum? Even the 2-3yrs he previously told me, he also cannot say it to my mum..
Yet when i asked him few times few mths back, that whether he thought of marrying me, he said yes, when i said he lie or he just entertaining me, he said no. 1yr marry is too soon, 3yrs is too long so 2yrs just nice. Indeed I asked him few times until he can get annoyed,coz i believe i dont really trust his word coz he is like not seriously answering me (smiling or try to make jokes etc or talk about other things).. Yet when i insist he is lying about him saying 2-3yrs marry, he get impatient.
I really have mix feelings, of course still wana see him, but whenever see him, i will thought of this issue, even if we are apart I tend to think about it. This is not the 1st time we tok about marriage issue. He refuse to see a counsellor about our issue, neither do he want to talk to another guy frd of my sis (counsellor but talk as a friend)! His character is he wont say much when facing stranger. He dont even tel this kind of issues to his close frds for advice, dont even talk about stranger.
He said wana ask gd frds for advice on this, but I know he is not going to do that, i know his character. But I also cant force him. If its phobia thats causing his fear now, then how about future? Is it gona be improve? I am still me, unless he gona change his thinking or to think for me.
He used to be afraid of applying new flat with me long ago (maybe 1-2yrs ago), his mum would kept mentioning urgency to apply for flat (have to wait, queue etc) then long after he finally agree to apply flat. And we are pending for our chance to be successful.
Even longer before that, my family asked when he's gona marry or ROM with me, i think as a way of proving to my family he is serious or due to pressure etc, he initiated to open a joint account, and we are still doing now..
I heard so many 'excuses' of refusing to marry-too broke,wana concentrate on study,wana carve out a career,not ready yet,wana hold ROM cum wedding ceremony together instead of just ROM first,frds told him the cons of marriage,the ugly side of marriage etc etc.
When we first started out, he wasnt confident of our r/s as we kept arguing over trivial issues, even to the verge of breaking up. The location/type of the flat (those major issues) still decide by him, he like the master.
His parents, his auntie,my parent,my sis also are all divorcees, even his gd frens also i dont think say anything gd about marriage. Then I told him I dont wish to to be in courtship forever, at least i wan a plan from him when settle down, at least we know where we are heading & i dont wana wait in vain,i wana have kids...
I am really confuse and sick of all these, i told him another 2yrs.. Even need time to plan and take 6-9mths to hold the ceremony so it shouldnt be too far from now. I think I gona end up in depression & paranoic state one day...
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (4 September 2011):
Hi. As you don't live together right now, this might just be to your advantage.
Although you are seeing each other and have been for the past 5 years, because you don't live together, this gives you a whole lot of freedom in your life - when you are not seeing him.
By this I mean, although you are his girlfriend, that doesn't mean you can't have your own life and see your friends and go out with them.
You are entitled to the freedom of having your own life and your own interests. There is absolutely no reason NOT to!
So keeping this in mind, it would actually do him good to call you (by telephone), and for you to have a member of your family answer the phone for you and tell him you are out with your friends.
Up until now, this probably hasn't happened, so he knows that he has you where he wants you. This gives him a level of control over your life, knowing that you are there waiting for him.
If on the other hand, you either were out with your friends OR, having your mum or dad answer the phone for you and tell him you're out, it might just give him the shock of his life! And probably not before time either.
You could do this at least once a week - any night, doesn't matter, even Saturday night! - and in a very short time he's got to start wondering whether you are out looking for someone else!
Even though you wouldn't be looking out for someone else, he's not going to know that now, is he?
The idea is, you have him thinking that that's the case.
Sometimes, men need a bit of a shakeup! It keeps men on their toes by keeping them guessing about what on Earth is going on!
Because for the last 5 years, if you weren't seeing him on a particular night, he would simply assume that you were just at home with your family watching television, and hoping he might call you or ask you out. It's a comfortable situation, like a pair of comfy slippers.
Well, don't let him get TOO comfortable!
Of course, you don't go out or your family tell him you're out, when you already are seeing each other on a particular night. I am talking about in between those nights, when you are NOT going to be seeing each other.
So you might see him on one night. Then perhaps he calls you 2 days later, and you are out! Or at least, this is what he is told.
I think you get what I mean.
If you do decide to do this - and I believe you ought to - after a few times of him calling, and your family says you're out, he is going to start believing that he might be losing you!
And when he begins to feel that his security might be threatened, he might have to start making some decisions!
Do you understand what I mean by that?
Sleep on it anyway.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (3 September 2011):
 He may or may not be lying about 3 years. No one knows..you'd have to wait 2-3 years to find out if he's telling the truth.
The question you have to ask yourself is how long are you willing to wait for this man? 2-3 more years? 2 years max?
Set yourself a mental cutoff date of when you think he should propose. You've already got 5 years into it..how much longer do YOU WANT to wait?
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A
female
reader, firehouse +, writes (3 September 2011):
firehouse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionof course my intention is to marry him, to marry someone I love thats y I am waiting for him willingly, but again there is a limit to how long i can wait.
In the past 5yrs, initial stage our r/s was rather unstable due to some trivial issues here & there (not bcoz of marriage), but later stage now when it is better (but occasional disagreemt do happen still) we still have some arguments or even its not argument, its like he will avoid or duno how to answer me when it comes to marriage,thats y now even he told me to wait another 2-3yrs (a few times), I still doubt him coz i duno how true.
Its contradicting, i kept asking on & off, and he said I am always asking the same thing, coz in my heart I seem to believe him half heartedly.But the way he treat me is still the same as before - sometime he find time to go out with me, he offer to pick me up after school, he listen to me when i want to talk to him, he find time to go to my place for dinner/gathering when i ask him to. But sometimes he is like left with no choice but to go certain place with me.
Of course there are times when he is lazy but dont wana go anywhere. He is quite stingy, but Im not after the material things, I care about how he treat me & i want to settle down with the one I love, not because of my family pressurisation, its because of myself also.
He is consider a nice guy, he never force me to do anything, he never ask me to cohabit with him, we only cohabit this past 1yr but i still go back home occasionally as we stay rather near. He can put up with my temper, I undstd sometimes its due to my bad temper that he scare to spend the rest of his life with.
But who doesnt have bad temper? Or bad habits? I tried improving myself but of course I still am imperfect, will repeat some of those occasional. Its like, everyone have their shortcomings but to me, i can accept if i really love him, unless its two-timing or really some cheaters etc. It is whether one party can accept the other party shortcoming or not, to be willing to spend the rest of the life together.
I asked him, since he told me 2-3yrs to wait, he can let my mum know easily since she is my mum, is right that they wana know esp they are concern. I asked is it because he afraid he cant do it within 2-3yrs? He said not because of that, then wat else? He refuse to say. Is he lying about the 2-3yrs?
I couldnt possibly be in the courtship period with him for the rest of my life, or at least for another 4-5 yrs with him. I am a simple ordinary gal, not ambitious, just want a family of my own. I believe and hope he is the one so I am still around after all these while.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (2 September 2011):
You know I can understand you wanting to settle down, get married and start a family etc. Women have a certain age in mind when they want to start achieving those goals. Although repeatedly asking your boyfriend when and if he's going to propose isn't going to make him do it any faster, if at all.
I can also understand him not wanting to propose because of your relationship being unstable. You guys also shouldn't fight about marriage! Perhaps you're pressuring him too much..that could be a reason why he hasn't popped the question yet.
You need to back off of the marriage topic, let it go at the moment. Enjoy your relationship and focus on making this relationship work. He'll possibly propose if you two are really putting in the effort in relationship.
However you two have 5 years invested in this relationship..so I would give him another year or 2 (however long you think you should wait) to propose and if he doesn't then it's probably time to dump him, due to the fact he doesn't seem to want long term commitment.
Another thing is, you might want to listen to your friends and family on this. As much as I hate to say this, they happen to be right on point when it comes to these situations. They see things, we tend to ignore or overlook.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (2 September 2011):
Hi there. Perhaps he has a fear of commitment. In case it doesn't work out, once you do.
And sometimes, people can live together for years, then get married, and within a short time it ends. Not always of course, it does sometimes though.
It's like things change once they make it legal and that the expectations change. Really, it's only psychological.
Is there really any need to get married? Or, is it more of a case that you would feel more secure if you were? And if you ever decided to have children - for their sake?
As you are living together and it's been 5 years now, as you have said, it seems that you are both in this relationship for the long haul, doesn't it? Because 5 years is a sizeable chunk out of your lives, for sure.
It also seems to me, that any arguments you do have, are mostly about when are you going to get married - of whether it's going to happen at all!
Being married wouldn't be any different to how things are now. You would still be living together, and the only difference is you would have a certificate to say you are legally married. Other than that though, there really is no difference at all. The commitment would be more or less the same - although, it might be even more so.
Perhaps you could take the subject of marriage out of all your conversations. Just don't talk about it at all.
The main thing is are you otherwise happy with him? Do you love him and does he treat you well and with respect and dignity?
Does he take you out to nice places - dinner, shows etc. - and does he spend money on you or buy you gifts occasionally?
If overall - apart from the marriage issue - everything in your relationship is worth hanging onto, well then you have to ask yourself the question - How important to me, is it that I marry him?
And also ask - Why is it so important to me? Is it because your parents are pressuring you to get married? Or, is it truly your desire?
Sometimes, we think it's what we want, and then we realize with some serious consideration, that it's someone else's desire and not ours at all! And that we are just being emotionally pushed to conform to someone else's standards.
In the relationship generally, you need to think about what is the most important to you - having a really good relationship with him and being happy? Or, do you only want to stay with him as long as he marries you?
It's only you who can answer these questions.
However in doing so, you do have to be completely honest with yourself, when you do.
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