A
male
age
36-40,
*ndy00
writes:Hi everyone, I posted a question earlier today, but there has been a serious and tragic twist since this morning.My girlfriend broke up with me almost 6 months ago after she decided our long distance (240 miles) relationship was too much to bear with. We were together for 2 years. Over the past 6 months, I have had to endure one of the worst times of my life. I'll admit I haven't made it easy for myself, but neither has she.First she split up with me just a couple of months after I took her on holiday to Cuba, and just couple of days before she was flying off on holiday with all her friends, allowing her 2 weeks where she didn't have to think about me. Then we tried to be friends by talking now and again, but I found it too hard, struggling to cope with being demoted in such a way. Then her birthday came by, I sent her a card and recieved no recognition for it. No thank you's or anything. A couple of months later we started talking again. She broke her foot, and I sent her a text the day after to ask if she slept alright. She responded. A few days later it was my birthday. I got nothing from her. Not even a text. She only asked me over MSN 3 days later, and that pissed me off. That I believe was one of the last times we spoke. From there I tried to avoid MSN at all costs.For the past 6 months, while all of the above was going on, I thought about her and the situation. Irrationally most of the time, but ALWAYS thinking.Here is where the twist comes in.She sent me a friend request over Facebook yesterday. I immediately felt annoyed. There seemed to be no reason for it. Just like a couple of times before, she has just popped up out of the blue for seemingly no reason, but to remind me of her.My question before was regarding why she was trying so hard to keep a friendship that I just couldn't do at this time. But today after work, I received a text from her: Her Father died today. He had a drinking problem that sadly he just couldn't fix. And as a result of his actions, today he passed away.I sent her a message saying how sorry I was, and that I could ring if she wanted somebody to talk to. I was surprised to her response, because she actually sounded very happy about it, and said we would MAYBE talk to tomorrow.Now I just don't really know what to say or do. I now have a chance to put the past 6 months behind me. All the pain and heartbreak she put onto me, and try and comfort her at a time she could use a friend. I have started to think about what could happen from here. This tragic unfolding means that I have a chance to stop feeling sorry for myself, help out somebody I love/loved, and possibly start up a friendship (and, of course not now, but possibly something more in the future).What do you all think? I'm sorry this was so long, but my question as you can see is pretty deep. Help if you have any advice at all.NOTE: Apologizes for moderating my own questions and nobody else's, but I really wanted to see this sent off before I go to bed. Consider this a one off.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2007): Hi Love,
Oh Im so sorry for all this upset, To much for you to cope with really, But it is true we do learn from the good and the bad in life and maybe this will help you in some way sweetheart, My friends dad is dying at this moment from alcahol abuse and its so very sad to see her trying to help but is unable.
I no its a hard step and I just want to say how very sorry I am for your ex and for you also, I can tell you want to be there to offer your support, I wont say it isnt going to be hard as it will be, Believe in your strength and go with your instincts, The past has such an affect on our lives sometimes it leaves us very unsettled for awhile but as you were in a 2yr relationship, To her you are her friend you no her so well , I wish I could help more love please take care of you and much love to you in this difficult time in your life take care MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (16 December 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Her Dad's funeral is on Tuesday. For a couple of days now (since I went out on the town and met the CUTE girl), I haven't really thought about my ex at all. But today, it occurred to me just how soon the funeral is. It's hard not to think about how she's feeling, not to mention; think about how her new lover boy is consoling her.
It does feel wrong avoiding MSN again, but after what happened to me a couple of days ago, I can see that it is best if I try and forget about me and my ex breaking up, and instead, just reflect on the good times we had... Knowing what I'm like, this will probably have changed again by tomorrow. Still, I've got other stuff to focus on.
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reader, Samutsen  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 Once I had a friend (from the US) who told me this story.
They had a friend, who is an extremely nice guy, but although all of his friends (including my friends) would have girl friends all the time, he (the nice guy) would never be able to have one.
All the time, when a girl is dumped, she will always end up, going the this guy, at any hour of the day, and cry on his laps. he is the agony aunt, even as a second choice though, he would still not get any of the girls.
(My friend eventually meets up this guy, now a wanna be hippy,and intellectual at a restaurant, with eventually a girl, who is most ordinary, repulsive kind.)
Anyways, I am not telling, treat them mean, make them keen, stuff but it has truth in it.
If and when you are always with open arms towards her, always ready, available, good and understanding towards her, it loses all the tension, excitement, value of challenge and achievement.
YOU HAVE GOT TO SHOW, YOUR TIME, ENERGY AND EFFORT IS VALUABLE TO YOU, YOU HAVE SELF RESPECT AND SHE HAS TO DESERVE IT, AND PROVE TO YOU WITH EFFORT THAT SHE IS WORTH IT.
AND SHE WANTS TO BE WITH THE ONE FOR WHOM SHE CAN MAKE AN EFFORT AND MAKE HIM ACCEPT HIS WORTH AS A WOMAN.
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reader, Samutsen +, writes (11 December 2007):
I will tell you a lot about what I meant. Giving examples from
the life of my friends and out of my observations. I will do that gladly for you.
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male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (11 December 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question(UPDATE BELOW)
I feel I should address you again, Samutsan. I believe there is such a thing as being "Too nice", but I don't think it's me. I'm only doing what I feel I must do for her at this time. I know I don't HAVE to do anything if I so wished, but it's against my nature. I must try to accept that she is giving me the brush off. It's difficult to accept when I'm not sure I understand exactly why. I must assume it is because of distance. The reason I don't think she has completely ruled it out is because she said "you never know". I don't want to further analyse that at this point now, if you don't mind.
Could you explain this part to me in a little more detail?:
"I don't like, women, who losing the capacity to see the manhood in her men, but cannot give up on them and turn them into some kind of agony aunts. You are not an agony aunt to her. If you make her understand this, she will revert to seeing you he should see."
And as for the last paragraph; being friendly, and maintaining contact is probably the only chance I have of having anything with her at all. Be it friend or boyfriend. Again, if you wouldn't mind explaining how this may not be right, I'd be interested.
UPDATE:
I have spoken to her again, the day after the last time.
She was online and still sounded a little blue. Turns out that the next day (being yesterday) her and her family were gathering to arrange the funeral. So, obviously she wasn't looking forward to that very much.
She started explaining that she was trying to find the right song/s to play at the funeral. Her dad was a great lover of music, so she has plenty to choose from, but is now struggling to make up her mind as a result. I made a few suggestions, but also tried to console her in saying things like "You're dad loved music, and he would have been pleased with any song you chose". I also took that opportunity to try and put a smile on her face. I reminded her of some funny times we had with her Dad while I visited.
I had hoped to talk to her yesterday to find out how everything went, but unfortunately she never came online before I left to go to bed. I didn't dwell on it, because I'm not suppose to give myself expectations to be crushed. She doesn't really show me that she needs me. She never texts me or anything like that. The only times we have spoken have been a result of me going online and starting up conversation... It's wierd. I feel like she needs my help, but she doesn't always show me.
I feel much better talking to her now than I did months ago. Now I can talk to her, but I can still think about finding somebody else. This makes me happy, up until the time I think about her finding somebody else, at which point I stop... I'll stop doing this one day, I'm sure.
If there's anymore to report, you'll hear about it. Thanks everyone for your help thus far.
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reader, Samutsen +, writes (9 December 2007):
Andy thanks for the update. Your response confirms once more that you are too nice a guy, nice and neat. It's difficult to tell what's ahead. You never know, but I'd say it's very unlikely": In my book it is a definite no, especially coming from her 'in a time' where she needs you most. But you think she did not 'completely ruled out' a future with you. I am sorry, I disagree.You say, 'I don't know if the "very unlikely" part is due to the distance. I would like to think so' I agree you would like to think so.I don't like, women, who losing the capacity to see the manhood in her men, but cannot give up on them and turn them into some kind of agony aunts. You are not an agony aunt to her. If you make her understand this, she will revert to seeing you he should see.This is your call, but I insist on my opinion. You should cut her your friendly contact to her, stop being nice and set the record straight. Because you want her as your girl back, not as a friend.
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reader, jamiexox +, writes (9 December 2007):
 im glad to hear that you addressed her on if the two of you would ever be together again, at least now you know where you stand.. and can concentrate on making this time of her life a bit easier for her.. theres nothing that i like to hear more than two ex partners can stay friends although it can be very hard.
When two people split up there is always one that ends up heartbroke its a part of life that everyone undergos somewhere along the way.. believe me you will eventually move on, and probably sit back and think.. "why did i make that time of my life so hard for myself".. although its easier said than done and i know that all too well. i hope everything works out for you and that you will find that special someone in your life again, but dont forget friends are special too. Im glad you want to be there for her although you may have mixed feelings, but good luck with everything and make sure you keep me posted :)
J xxx
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reader, Andy00 +, writes (9 December 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to address each of your answers, and then give you an update
(Update immediately follows my responses).
Enjoimx
I understand I am putting myself in a vulnerable position. Thankfully, time has passed and things have gotten a little easier. I am hoping that as a result of this, I will be able to talk to her as a friend for a while. Where things go from there we must wait and see, but I have no expectations to be dashed.
jamiexox
I appreciate your condolences. My update may interest you as far as your belief that she still thinks about our relationship is concerned, so please check it out below the rest of my responses. But on the contrary, she has always given me the impression that she wants to be friends, but it has been me who has struggled to accept that, and I've kept myself distant. On the whole, I will keep your words in mind in the future.
rcn
I'm interested to know how you have been hurt before. Your answers have always been helpful and very wise, I just wonder what experience you've had in your life, because you sound very experienced. I'd appreciate further advice from you on this.
Richard EMids
I'm sorry you think I'm throwing myself in the firing line again. You could very well be right. I believe I explained to you recently that I have done this before and it has never paid off because I found it difficult. Right now, I'm not thinking too much about the future. My only intention just now is to use this time to help her, and maybe help myself establish a friendship. If I can't do this at a time where she has lost her Father, when can I ever? I look forward to hearing more from you.
Birdynumnums
I see your point about putting the past 6 months behind me. Although, I will say that I didn't intend to simply blank it out, I meerly meant that i will try to stop dwelling on it. I will do as you say though, I will try to comfort her however I can, and not hand my heart to her on a plate, as you say.
Danielepew
Firstly, it's been a while and it's nice to hear from you. You say you agree with birdy, so, I guess my response to her also goes for you. Thank you for your opinion.
Samutsen
I don't mean to single you out, but your answer out of all the others is the one that I'm a little unsure with. There are some wise words in there, and I see your point in some places, but you make it sound like I shouldn't really try to comfort her at all, and that she is being... is Manipulative the word I'm look for? I'd like to think she isn't using my emotions as an ego boost. In that, I think it's best you read my update, because I look forward to hearing what you have to say about it, as I respect your opinion.
Right, now for the update.
I went on MSN last night, and noticed my ex was online. She had a sad username, so I assumed she was feeling predictably low. Conversation started slow because I struggled to find the right things to talk about, and find the words to talk about them. She did eventually explain exactly what happened to her dad, and it was very upsetting to hear about.
She told me that; "It's times like these that I miss you". This melted my heart a little, because I've put myself in the mindset that she isn't thinking about me at all anymore. And when I told her that, she rubbished it. I then confessed that things haven't been quite as fun without having her around, and how it's still so wierd that the days where I would climb into bed and talk on the phone to her every night are long since gone. From there, it did start us talking about the old days, and how much things have changed, ect.
Eventually I asked her something that was perhapps a bit risky, but it was something that I've thought about a lot recently (not that I told her that). I asked her if "She ever thought about the future, and if I was ever in it". From there she told me that "It's difficult to tell what's ahead. You never know, but I'd say it's very unlikely" This didn't surprise me, and I felt better having found out if she had/hadn't completely ruled out a future with me. I don't know if the "very unlikely" part is due to the distance. I would like to think so, but the time to ask is over now.
I will say that we didn't spend too much time talking about "us", because I knew full well that it definately wasn't the time to have along talk about that. I had to focus on making sure she was happy, and not dwelling on her sad news.
Well, that's about it as far as that update goes. If I should remember anything else, I will let you all know. In the mean time, if you could respond to this, I'd be very grateful. Thank-you, everyone.
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reader, Samutsen +, writes (9 December 2007):
You are being too nice. And I hate it whenever I see nice guys' (and girls') genuine feelings are being abused, and they are being dumped.She is not in love with, you are, she knows it, she feels it, she likes it, because it flatters her ego, she pretended she got bored of your messages did not reply them, but when after a long period of time you did not write her she felt like your hopeless love towards herself.(We all have been there).Don't you see that, Andy, she wanted to get you to the facebook, thus wanted to check whether you were still in desperately saying yes to her all the time. Try skipping to talk to her, seeing her, and you will see her calling you. Try saying, on the phone, you gotta go, try when she wants to see you, saying may be, or sorry, you are busy.Andy...start saying no, start being independent, start showing her your strength to be, to do without her, and then may be you will get her calling, texting, wanting to see you, rather than vice versa. It is your only exit, if you want to train her to reciprocate you enduring love. So don't go. She has, I am sure other friends to console her. You said sorry already. Thats enough. And do not get into her facebook.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 December 2007):
 Andy00, as is often the case, I'm with birdynumnums. I also think that this is NOT a chance for you to put all your pain behind. Simply, this is the time to offer her comfort and support. THAT'S IT.
It doesn't seem right that you bring your feelings back into the picture at the moment, when she's very weak and needs consoling.
Her father's death doesn't change anything between you two. It will affect her life, however, and you just don't know what is going to happen. Don't assume this will bring her closer to you.
As to the Facebook and that, perhaps she does miss you as a good friend or a support. Be very careful, because perhaps she doesn't really want you back as a lover. You don't want to get high hopes again, just to be rejected.
Take care, Andy00.
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reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (9 December 2007):
 Hmmmm.
The one thing that worrys me is that you say this is a chance to put the last six months behind you. I don't see this as something that should wipe the slate clean for you or give you a new vantage point to start fresh from. Quite the contrary, I think that you should try to remember that this had all happened between you, before you try to jump in and become a friend. Don't get me wrong, you are probably always going to have a friendly regard towards this person. But guard yourself against extreme optimism.
As an ex, you definately should be consoling her and writing kind words. That's what people do in polite society. Be there for her if she needs it. But don't stick your heart on a plate and hand it to her. Sorry if this was harsh, but it does sound like you could be vunerable in this situation, and she may be using her past connection to you to comfort herself right now. I'm sorry for your ex's loss. Take care of yourself.
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reader, birdynumnums +, writes (9 December 2007):
Hmmmm.
The one thing that worrys me is that you say this is a chance to put the last six months behind you. I don't see this as something that should wipe the slate clean for you or give you a new vantage point to start fresh from. Quite the contrary, I think that you should try to remember that this had all happened between you, before you try to jump in and become a friend. Don't get me wrong, you are probably always going to have a friendly regard towards this person. But guard yourself against extreme optimism.
As an ex, you definately should be consoling her and writing kind words. That's what people do in polite society. Be there for her if she needs it. But don't stick your heart on a plate and hand it to her. Sorry if this was harsh, but it does sound like you could be vunerable in this situation, and she may be using her past connection to you to comfort herself right now. I'm sorry for your ex's loss. Take care of yourself.
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reader, birdynumnums +, writes (9 December 2007):
Hmmmm.
The one thing that worrys me is that you say this is a chance to put the last six months behind you. I don't see this as something that should wipe the slate clean for you or give you a new vantage point to start fresh from. Quite the contrary, I think that you should try to remember that this had all happened between you, before you try to jump in and become a friend. Don't get me wrong, you are probably always going to have a friendly regard towards this person. But guard yourself against extreme optimism.
As an ex, you definately should be consoling her and writing kind words. That's what people do in polite society. Be there for her if she needs it. But don't stick your heart on a plate and hand it to her. Sorry if this was harsh, but it does sound like you could be vunerable in this situation, and she may be using her past connection to you to comfort herself right now. I'm sorry for your ex's loss. Take care of yourself.
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reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (9 December 2007):
 Andy - I really do think you are going to hurt yourself by "putting an arm around her shoulder." You are still in love with her. You are still emotionally vulnerable.
I know this is a traumatic time for her but you are not her boyfriend anymore. Maybe she has a current boyfriend, maybe she doesn't. I don't think you are going to heed any advice and you are likely to be pleased if she phones you. However, I do think you will suffer the aftermath of feelings that will follow. Good luck whatever happens.
Richard
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reader, rcn  +, writes (9 December 2007):
 You understand what history gives us. Every experience helps us to grow. Of course we like the good experiences rather than the hurtful ones, but even the hard ones help us to grow further in a positive direction. I've been hurt before. I think most people have been. I could have done without the pain, but I'm blessed by the experience. Even the hard lessons have helped me to develop into a strong individual.
I'm still friends with my ex's. If they went through a tragedy, I'd be there for them. Unlike you, I wouldn't have a hope of something coming out of it. I would support her in her time of grief. Do so without any personal intention. If nothing comes from it, you didn't lose anything. If something does, you weren't expecting it too.
Life can throw stuff in the wrong direction at times. Remember this, It's not the severity of the obstacle, it's how you handle it that matters. Whether or not something comes out of your friendship, always be grateful for the experience.
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reader, jamiexox +, writes (9 December 2007):
Ill start by saying how sorry I am to hear about your ex gfs dad... As i read through this I found that I have been in a very similiar situation... but of course the shoe was on my foot.. I was the one trying to stay friends with my ex.. even if i was only in contact with him every so often. You probably dont realise it but i have a feeling that she does still think about your relationship and the way things used to be with the two of you!!!! Its never easy to just walk away no matter what your feelings are...
This is probably why she keeps a distant contact.. The more you talk the more the feelings dont go away... hence the harder it gets.
Right now she needs someone who she can trust and who she feels she can talk to about anything... and by her texting you, you seem to be that person, after being in a relationship for 2 yrs you are bound to know each other inside out therefore she wont mind opening up to you. Im not saying that she is using you in anyway to comfort her in her time that she needs you the most, but their are bonds that you have with boyfriends or ex boyfriends in your case that you just dont have with a normal friend.
If i where you esp at this moment in time when she is going through so much, I would be there for her but stay at arms length at the same time.. be a shoulder to cry on, but she is going through so many mixed up emotions she could become confused and want to restart your relationship again, but this could just be a sence of security for her, someone she knows she can trust to be there for her, as a father plays a big part in evey girls life and would be hard to grasp that he will never be around again.. so i would think about your feelings at this time too... Do you want to get hurt again???? By all means develop a friendship with her again but if it does go into anything more make sure its something that the two of you want!!!!!
hope this helps i know i went into a bit of a rant.. take care xx
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reader, enjoimx +, writes (9 December 2007):
 Heres my only advice and you may not like it:
Know that if you comfort her as a friend, you are becoming extremely vulnerable again and if it doesnt work out in your favor again...think of all the heartbreak you will go through again.
BUT..I would still pursue it...thats what love is all about...risking everything knowing that you can be hurt.
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