A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, Sorry 4 the length. I had to explain in detail.I am so confused. I got an anonymous call with a hidden i.d a woman informed me that my father has a mistress and is willing to marry her.He is 58 years n has been married to my mum for 30 years with 7 kids. The woman told me also that the mistress is a prostitute n also sleeps with girls. She gave me the mistresses name and 3 numbers that I could confirm and I did. I found out I kind of know her because she is my aunts friend.I confronted my dad privately and he denied it and asked me not to let my mum know because she'd be upset and wouldn't believe it wasn't true. I spied on him through his phone and found love messages from one of the numbers I was given.Also, I pestered the numbers with texts threatening her to leave my dad alone and she denied too. Yet, I saw the same text I sent her, forwarded to my dads phone when I was spying through his phone. It seems they are together.What do I do? Do I tell my mum, confront my dad again or what? Pls help. Thanx
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female
reader, svf  +, writes (20 April 2011):
 Oh no! So you're Aunt isn't a great help- and would SUPPORT this woman who's destroying your family... This is not good...
Is there anyone older than you who is a family friend that you can REALLY trust and is on your MOTHERS side and who would support her and not your father? Also, YOU need support through this also - but I am still really worrying about your mother. She is in ill health, and this is the last thing she needs right now. I'm just concerned that your father is going to do the bolt and leave her completely shocked, hurt and devastated.
I wish you could sit down with your mother and talk to her about this, but I understand your predicament.
I can really only offer support and hope that you have someone around you that you can trust to ease the burden and then hopefully approach your mother together. Please take care, I feel really, really sorry for what you are having to go through because of some really selfish people in your life. x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): This secret will eat at you and will eventually destroy you.If you do not tell your mother NOW it means that you are willfully blind to his wrong act and that u condone it. This is far from the truth but something needs to be done. Better your mother hears from you than from a spiteful person who wants to hurt her.This is not easy: in fact the truth is sometimes hard to acknowledge but it still needs to be done.Take a deep breath, make your mum and yourself a cup of tea and talk to her openly, lovingly and be there for her in her time of need. This is what a daughters role is.Good luckLoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx aunts. But now I am more confused. My aunt wl be of no help coz she is nt friends wth my mum. She wud support her friend. I dont want a divorce between them n my mum alrdy has health problems yet I dont want her inflicted wth disease or me having to tell her later on. If I keep it now I will have to keep it 4ever. Am sick of this. Oh my God!
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A
female
reader, svf +, writes (19 April 2011):
Oh I feel for you, caught between a decision like this which involves the 2 people who brought you into this world...I would tell others in the family about this. Are there any of your brothers or sisters mature enough to cope with this and that you are close enough to discuss the matter with? At least this way you share the 'guilt-load'. As to telling your mother, I wouldn't want to tell her on my own, but I think with another member of the family it might be easier, so that you don't get singled out for blame.But I know I would be really hurt if my daughter didn't tell me, as we are so close, and I think there is a special bond between mother's and daughters and I would hope that her loyalty would be to me, her mother. You must remember that your mother is the 'innocent party' in this, and as such, deserves to be treated with respect.Also, just say your mother caught an std, which may have been avoided had she have known to take precautions? Your father is sleeping with a prostitute afterall. I'm not being judgemental about your Aunt's 'friend', just trying to give responsible advice - your father's mistress has a job which involves her having sex with alot of people...not the nicest thing for you to have to deal with, I'm so sorry for you.However, I understand if you don't want to say anything to your mother, as it is your life and it is a very difficult decision. Another thing I would most definitely do is to tell your Aunt, as she is older than you - and it IS HER friend who is causing the problems. Maybe she can pull her in line?Either way, if this proves to be true (which you pretty much have proven) they can't just get away with it until your father thinks 'the time is right' to leave your mother. Your mother deserves to be prepared, perhaps she might want time to sort out her legal rights, etc. However, I agree with the other posters on this one, the fallout will be huge, the consequences could well result in a divorce...You must discuss this with your Aunt, and if possible, forward on any sms you can from your FATHER's phone to your own, to prove that you are telling the truth. Call your father's bluff either way, as he is behaving like a real bastard. Sorry if this offends your opinion of your dad, but I don't think he's behaving like a great husband and father at this particular point in time. He's certainly not treating YOU with respect, as he outright lied to your face.Remember, you didn't put yourself in this position, your dad/mistress/friend(?) put the ball in your court by ringing you in the first place. Either way, you have been put right into the middle of this mess. If you find it to hard to deal with, then try to forget what you have witnessed and I truly hope things work out. This is a really hard problem, and I wish you well and hope things work out ok. x
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A
female
reader, msnewbeginning  +, writes (19 April 2011):
 I've been in a similiar situation and I chose not to tell my mom until 5 years after they were divorced. I was young and didn't think getting in my parent's business was my place. As I grew older, I realized that my mom didnt deserve to be hurt by my dad or any other man. You only have one mom and you may feel the need to protect her, but letting her see the messages would be better than you just telling her about the investigation. When I did tell my mom she got angry because we are close.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): Hun, you owe it to your mother to tell her. I do not care what the other Aunts say and even though I am in the minority here: your mother needs to know. Realise this: your fathers affair is your business. Why? Bec he is your father dammit and bec your mothers life is going to be turned around by him leaving her. And he will! You gave your father a chance to do the right thing but he didn't. So now YOU need to do the right thing and tell your mother. One simple reason is that your mother needs to get herself tested for stds and hiv. Your mothers life is so precious, if your father is being a *astard and he has no concerns about her health and safety, are you also not blind to his wrong act?
I hear all the Aunts say MYOB: honey if this is not your business , then what is. As parents we need to be accountable for our actions. And who better to help us account than not our own kids.
In our household my kids have been given the 'authority' to make us account for our actions. It is hard sometimes but it is humbling as well. Parents and so called Adults are just plain hypocrites and Kids need to remind their parents of this.
It creates a healthy household and not turning a blind eye to a wrong act.
So hun, its your decision ultimately but know that your mum, although it will be hard at first and she may be questioning you in her state, I firmly believe it is in the best interest of your mother to be told.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (19 April 2011):
 That depends on who you ask. She would probably say yes, but she will resent you for telling her either way. Then because that's not news anyone wants to receive. And now for the same reason and that you didn't tell her earlier. Not to mention that people in her position often take out their hurt on the messenger. It is a no win situation for you.
You need to find someone who can help you with your emotions surrounding this situation.
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A
female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen +, writes (18 April 2011):
 This is a terrible position you have found yourself in. This is not your battle and you needn't take responsibility for your parent's choices. Keep out of the way.
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A
female
reader, MamaBear +, writes (18 April 2011):
You need to MYOB! Your mother may not believe you if you "squeal" on your dad. And, what if it isn't true, then what? Both parents will be angry with you. Your dad is a grown man and can handle his own affairs. I am sure, if it is true, your mother may have an inkling that something is fishy!
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A
male
reader, Liebes Kummer  +, writes (18 April 2011):
I am so sorry you are caught up in such a nasty situation. What your dad is doing is clearly wrong but, i have to agree with Dirtball; you should stay well clear of it.
You may think you are doing your mum a favour but, if you tell her and they break up guess who'll get the blame on the long run?
If you love your parents, then keep loving them and leave them to run their relationship themselves.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk. Thanx alot. I think I would go with ur advice. But did I make a mistake by not telling my mum when I receivd the call?
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 April 2011):
This is NOT something you want to be in the middle of. It sucks that you were put in the middle of this. Really, this is between your parents. As much as it sucks, I think you need to stay out of this for now.
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A
female
reader, SecretlyShy_ +, writes (18 April 2011):
I believe that your mother has a right to know what your dad is doing, mainly because what he is doing is wrong. He clearly doesn't care about his wife or children to do such a deed or he is obviously unsatisfied in the relationship. The best way is to tell your mum and see if the relationship can be fixed because sooner or later your mum will find out. My dad cheated on my mother before with an 18 year old yet somehow my parents are still together 10 years later. Hope it works out for you :)
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