A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Help! My boyfriend has a problem with my weight. I think I'm pretty hot though, and not overweight at all. I am 5'6 and weigh 132 lbs. His problem is, I've gained weight since we've been together. When we first met, I was a professional dancer and weighed about 125. I still dance, but not as much as I used to, so I've gained a bit. He wants me to diet, stop eating dessert and get back to my original weight. I feel, I have changed my lifestyle, and its okay for me to be this size...other guys still hit on me a lot. I wish he would stop bugging me about this! It makes me so angry!! I want to feel sexy and attractive, am I wrong to want him to chill out? Or does he have the right to wish for old me? I don't want him to find my unattractive, so I'm thinking of trying to loose the weight for his sake...but I'm afraid I'll be resentful for it.
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female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (8 January 2011):
 Good for you for standing up to him and calling him out on this. Sounds like he's realised he can't control you and you're not a pushover. Sounds like he realises you've figured out his game and is trying to pretend he didn't mean what he said. Silly boy. At least he knows he's a control freak. Forgive him, move on, but don't allow him to behave in that way again. Hopefully he won't now he knows you won't be controlled.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 January 2011):
 I don't think I'd buy that excuse either. If that's what he meant, would he have asked you to work out with him to give him motivation to loose weight?
If he tries any other method of controlling you, remember, you don't deserve that and don't put up with it.
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female
reader, Secretlife  +, writes (7 January 2011):
thats good he apologized. Just try and forgive him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice! I told him that I hate what he said and I'm sick of it, that I feel proud of myself and very sexy and will not change one bit. Well, he apologized over and over and said he never meant to hurt me, I'm beautiful, etc, etc. He said the real reason he was saying "lose weight" is because he wanted to lose weight as well and wanted us to do it together. I'm not sure if I buy that, but he admitted to being somewhat of a control freak. Now I just have to stop being angry at him and accept his apology...
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): I told my ex gf to lose weight cause I cared about her health as she was an alcoholic and the alcohol made her body so undesirable because she didnt take care of herself. BIG turn off both mentally and physically.
Now, if your BF is sitting there and just saying youre fat and wants you to look a certain way for his liking then thats wrong as its very selfish. Lose weight cause you want to and want to better your fitness and life, not cause some guy or guys ask you too. I find your height and weight very sexy, honestly :)... good luck on this miss.
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (7 January 2011):
 If he's fussing for 7 pounds, that's a red flag right there. It's a very reasonable weight (closer to slender than average, I'd guess). Such behavior is...less than ideal, to say the least.
You shouldn't have to put up with it if you don't want to.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.”
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 So, is he giving all this aggravation over ...all of 7 pounds ?? ...You gained about 3 kg - and he is making a fuss about it ?....Unbelievable.
He must be either a fitness nazi, or a control freak.
NEXT !
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): This is emotional abuse, nothing more, nothing less.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): You're in normal weight range. Don't starve yourself for him, I'm sure you're beautiful as you are. Most women look better with more body fat imo.
As for bf, I would find another one, he will make your life miserable.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): well I'm on the opposite end of the situation. My husband gained 80 lb after we got married, while I remain every bit as trim and athletic as the day we met, in fact I'm thinner and more attractive now compared to when we first met. Over the years his new-found obesity really killed my desire for him. If I were to meet him as a stranger on the street today, I woudln't give him a second look. I kept quiet for it for years because I was afraid of being shallow. I would encourage him to exercise and follow a healthy diet, I often brought it up but in the context of it being in his own health's best interest to lose weight, so he won't get a heart attack or diabetes, which is all true. For years I tried everything to be supportive. I would join him exercising and cook us healthy meals, but nothing worked. as the years went by our intimacy dwindled due in large part to my no longer being attracted to him at all and in fact feeling a sense of despair about it and a loss of respect for him, and the result being that it destroyed his self esteem, so I finally did have to speak out about it in very blunt terms. he was extremely upset and I feared I had 'broken' him, but I had to speak the truth because pretending it doesn't exist or wishing it away doesn't mean it goes away. So we got into counseling. well in counseling it was uncovered that his excessive weight gain was due in large part to deep seated emotional issues from his teenage years that he never recovered from and which drove him to find escape in the form of food addictions.
my thoughts on the weight issue: some people are more turned off than others by weight gain in their partners. And yes, physical attractiveness does play a part in a relationship - denying that it doesn't doesn't change the fact it does, because that's how the human brain has evolved. So we should just admit it, as controversial and shallow and 'wrong' as it sounds. I feel that if a partner totally lets themselves go but only after 'securing' a relationship, it's disrespectful to the other partner. The other partner should not keep quiet about this if it does bother them. Again, pretending it doesn't bother you, when it does, will not make the issue go away and will just drive a wedge between you. However the other partner has to be sensitive and kind when bringing it up. Also expectations should be reasonable. I don't think any one can argue that (in the case of my husband) gaining 80 pounds after marriage is a HUGE change, it's like this is literally not the same person - physically nor psychologically - that you married. And that was why it bothered me so much. When someone goes from being fit and athletic to morbidly obese, it's a significant change in lifestyle. When he gained the first 10, then 20 pounds I figured it was just the normal stresses of life interfering with previous healthy habits. But as the weight piled on and on and attempts to lose it didn't work, clearly something is very wrong in him psychologically and indeed counseling has unearthed that all is not well in his mind and his uses food as an escape. And by turning me off to a huge degree it drove a wedge between us.
But you've gained only 7 pounds! that's like, nothing! Water retention can make your weight fluctuate that much, for crying out loud!! Has your boyfriend himself not gained a single pound??
Thus I wonder if your boyfriend is not so much bothered by your weight itself as this may be a sign of him wanting to exert control over you...? And if he's not kind and considerate and tactful in voicing his concern but is demanding or trying to demean you, that's completely unacceptable. It's his problem, not yours.
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female
reader, Secretlife +, writes (7 January 2011):
no. if you like your body and you're satisfied with it then you dont need to loose weight for him. don't kill yourself trying to satify him. he's really nt a good boyfran if he's telling you that you need to loose weight. just because you gained a little bit doesnt mean anything. you stay how u are. and be happy.
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female
reader, bernergirl +, writes (7 January 2011):
 Ask him when he starts balding and getting a beer gut what is he planning to do to make sure you don't lose interest? Plus if you ever had a child with him what is he planning on doing? He's a jerk! Start flirting with the guys and maybe he'll understand what he is losing!
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 January 2011):
Don't loose weight for any guy. If you feel beautiful and sexy the way you are then that's the way you need to be. There's a guy out there that appreciate every single 132 lbs of you, and every other part of who you are. I'm sorry, but it sounds like your boyfriend is extremely shallow. If he doesn't accept you for you, and puts that level of value on a few pounds, show him the door.
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female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (7 January 2011):
 How does that make you feel? Like beyond being angry? I think it's a huge test of how someone really feels about you. If physical attraction goes then so does he? He doesn't love you. And to berate you and put you down and tell you to diet? He doesn't care about your feelings, he is emotional abusive (putting you down constantly)and insanely controlling. Forget about pregnancy and gaining weight down the road, what about actual aging? People change how they look. The relationships that last aren't because the other person is hot as hell. It may be what attracts you at first, but not what makes it last. He is a douche to say the very least. Despite how attractive you still are with the enormous extra 7lbs (yeah right!), it is NEVER okay for a partner to make you feel like crap or you aren't good enough. They should love you exactly for who you are. If my boyfriend said he would consider leaving me if I gained 40lbs I would leave now because the relationship is pointless and there is no love. Not only should you not work on yourself, you really seriously need to meet someone else. He is the epitome of a shallow asshole who cares only of himself and not your feelings in the slightest. Fuck him. Find someone worth your time please.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 In my mind(alledged as it may be) I think any guy that wants to set goal weights, etc. for his "lover" may just be on the edge of control freakism. A soft women is a good thing.Weight profileing is dumb!
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female
reader, lija30 +, writes (7 January 2011):
 oooooo girl you can't be serious..no way .....leave his trifflin butt and don't pick up the phone.....as you grow and get older you not going to tolerate ignorance so dont even let this guy cloud your mind. You are perfect the way you are.....if you lose weight cause of him...then what.......he will want you to change your hair color too right? ...then what get rid of your friends right????? as you will learn later.....because you are probably crazy enough to lose the weight for him.........you going to learn later that you deserve to have someone that loves you for you and nothing less.This guy is a controller and if you stay with him and you don't lose the weight he will cheat on you ...get my drift???? dont waste your time...get a clue...and move on baby ....there is better out here......*good luck hun*
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 January 2011):
 Like any sport, there are times when you train, and times when you don't. Athletes have periods when they really push the training and then there are times when they don't.
It is unreasonable for him to assume that you would stay at performance weight. Like it's been said, you haven't let yourself go and gained 150 pounds or just stayed home like a slug.
You are still at a very healthy weight for your height. You still dance, so you still care about your physical fitness. Other guys are still hitting on you.
If I were you, I'd smile sweetly to him and tell him that you've had enough of his treatment of you. Believe me, for every guy like him trying to control your life, there's a guy who would get highly turned on by your ability to eat more than sticks and twigs.
He is in for a very lonely life if he continues to demand what he thinks is perfection, because eventually he'll lose hair, look older. and time will claim him. You want someone who loves you for you, and in turn will make you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.
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female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 As far as I'm concerned, if YOU say you're hot, then you're HOT sister! I would have hoped that your boyfriend was saying to lose weight because of health issues... I don't think so. Just out of interest I went to this site http://www.halls.md/body-mass-index/bmi.htmI put in your measurements, and guess what it said? "In Normal Range"Many girls I know would be happy with your weight. Please don't measure yourself by the amount of guys hitting on you (even though it's kind of nice). You are right to say that your boyfriend should chill. You said you have gained some weight because you don't spend as much time dancing. No mystery there. You may have changed your lifestyle but you are happier now. Let him know that. How YOU feel matters.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): How is he going to treat you when your pregnant and put on about 40 extra pounds, or after the baby when 20 of that feels impossible to lose ?
Your man sounds like a control freak, and you said yourself, other men are hitting on you. You really need to be with someone who appreciates you for who you are, not for who you used to be.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): Hey babe.
well you probably do look attractive as how you feel. just be yourself and don't let anyone tell you what you should or should not look like. and that was a really jerkish move for him to say that to you he is not much to a boyfriend if he doesn't find you attractive as you being you. just stay the same and be yourself don't let one guy change you for the world. and if he does that again then find someone else who thinks you are attrative there are many more guys out there in the world and not one.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 January 2011):
 I think you are good as you are now. It's great to keep up appearances for your partner, but they can't demand it of you. As well as you've not let yourself go, you're not overweight, and you don't look bad at all! Wanting the person to stay as they were when you met is desirable, although you must always leave some room for change. A dramatic change is a cause for problems in a relationship, but gaining a few pounds is NOT a dramatic change. What if he's not allowed to grow a beard if he didn't have one when you started dating... that'd be about the same difference.
Bottom line is: you should try and keep yourself healthy and attractive for your partner, but you must always be allowed room for changes. It's all about how much is too much, and where to draw the line. But as long as you are healthy, keep up your hygiene, still dress up nice and in general are yourself, a few pounds here and there should NOT be a problem at all. If your boyfriend has a problem with that then perhaps he doesn't love you for who you are, but only wanted you because of how you looked.
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female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (6 January 2011):
No you are not wrong. So you have put on 7lb? That's nothing! Half a stone is not a big change in weight. It does not pose a risk to your health nor will it make a big change to your appearance. You still dance so you will still be fit and healthy.
Therefore this guy does not have the right to tell you to change. Your letter actually makes me feel angry also! If you had put on 40lb then I'd say, although he isn't being very nice about it, at least I could understand his point of view.
But for him to keep bugging you about it shows he is controlling and selfish. He has not right to ask you to change your body for his pleasure. If it was for concern for your health that would be different but it is not! It is for his own moronic selfish reasons. He must have it in his head that women are only attractive when they are stick thin. This mentality is unhealthy and unfair to women.
You know you are a healthy, sexy, ttractive woman. Don't let this man make you feel otherwise. Next time he mentions your weight tell him straight. Tell him it is HE who has the problem, not you because you are in good shape, are fit, healthy and you KNOW you are very sexy and attractive because you can see your reflection and you get lots of male attention. Tell him you have gained a few pounds but that does not make you overweight and therefore you do NOT need to lose weight.
He does not have the right to expect you to keep your body the same way because he wants you to. Bodies change all the time throughout life. They gain weight, lose weight, change shape, tone and sag. People age. It's a fact he will have to grow up and learn to accept.
You know this not fair of him, so my advice is to tell him, hun. Don't allow him to bring you down about your body. You sound like you have a very healthy attitude to your body and as you have been a prodessional dancer you must be in great shape. He needs to appreciate that.
Good luck.
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female
reader, AuntyMaur +, writes (6 January 2011):
 Isnt it so nice that your boyfriend loves you for you.!
There is nothing wrong with your weight....is he a perfect 10? I doubt it. Hes a tosser....this is not love its a relationship based on a physical sense- what will happen when yo have children and get older...I would leaave him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): Please choose to be happy. Forget the extra 7 lbs and more importantly, forget your boyfriend. He seems like a douche.
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female
reader, Manya +, writes (6 January 2011):
My feeling is, if you feel comfortable with your current weight, which in my opinion seems slender for 5' 6" and is clearly a healthy weight, then why should your boyfriend think he has the right to demand that you lose weight? Your boyfriend seems to be kinda controlling here. A lower weight would be difficult to maintain if you are not dancing strenuously every day, and why should you have to obsess about every pound? He should realize that you are a beautiful girl at your new weight, as you were at your old weight, and there's no big deal. He sounds very selfish. Suppose you got married and pregnant, would he abandon you if you gained weight for the baby? He sounds like he needs a reality check!
Please just be your natural self, which is what love is about - I hope he will see the light! If he really loves you, he will love you when you are happy!
Love,
Manya
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): SCREW HIM ! you are 5'6 aznd weigh 132 I am 5'6 and weigh 135 and am size 4 ! so you are even more skinng than me this guy is retarted ! if he loved you he wouldn't be saying crap about your weight. you didn't even gain that much anyways what the hell ? I don't get this guy. you are fine and if you want to be 125 agian if that's what you want than do it for YOU NOT HIM ! 132 is fine anyways forget him
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female
reader, Abbii_xxx +, writes (6 January 2011):
 alrite personally i wouldnt stand for this just because i dont like guys telling me what to do, but honestly he should love you for who you are, and its fantastic that you have confidence in yourself, dont let this get you down in the slightest, explain to him that you shouldnt have to change for him, you are what you are and if he doesnt like it he definatly isnt worth it. sorry if its a little harsh, i hope everything works out for you xxx
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