A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend gets these instant messages from sex sites, stating "hey I liked your profile, if you want to see my webcam pics you can contact me at...." He says they are just random junk mail that everyone gets. I've got a yahoo account and I also have the instant messenger feature and I've never had anything like this show up in my I.M. box! I think he's either been corresponding with some of these girls, or he's been visiting porn sites, which track your internet habits and then try to market their stuff on you. He says no, it just happens randomly and everyone gets these. Is that true?.....Or is he just lying through his teeth? Any information you could give me would be greatly appreciated. I don't want to wrongly accuse him, but I don't want to believe a load of crap either. Thanks to everyone!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): I don't know about IM's, but I've been getting alot of e-mails from adult, male-oriented websites like Sexybook and Horny Housewives, and I'm neither a man, nor am I gay. I'm a 39 year old WOMAN.
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female
reader, rae-baby  +, writes (16 January 2009):
ok look if he is getting them on his IM and the person is saying i liked your profile he is lieing because you just wouldnt get a random messege like that you should try to tap into his stuff and see what he has ben on if you really want to know the truth goo look at his computer when he is doing something not in the room
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male
reader, Moviefan +, writes (4 December 2008):
 I don't recommend that, he could take it the wrong way and get mad, you shouldn't do it just to mess with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008): Exactly... I would suggest you go for it, it would be interesting to see if he allows you to enjoy the same "hobby" as him.... I like your idea, I like it a lot... lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for your advise. I do not plan to ask my b/f to give up porn, he no doubt continue to do it regardless. So I will invest in my own all-male porn and I will not be afraid to show him how turned on I can become while looking at another man's naked body. I will also be sure and point out how large another man's anatomy is and how beautiful it appears to me. I will also start paying more attention to young, attractive men when we go out. I guess it's true what they say, what's good for the goose....Thanks for enlightening me. I can enjoy porn just as much as he can. I only hope his male ego can handle the competetion....We'll see.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008): You present as aged 41-50 (overage) and currently living in the UK. As everyone knows I am pro-porn, and unless you have religious convictions, I suggest you keep an open mind, rather than fighting about an issue that you are unlikely to win.
In the UK, pornography is a perfectly legal form of entertainment. It's no different to seeing a movie, (which sometimes includes sex scenes and nudity) or reading a sexy book. I'm surprised at your age, you have never come across a man looking at porn. But if you have strong views against it, then it is likely that most of your partners have kept it secret and you never found out. The current advice in the UK, suggest that pornography can be safely used by couples to get ideas to spice up their sex life.
There is no correlation between looking at porn and cheating on someone. Looking at pornography is entertainment. Cheating on somebody is finding somebody else to be intimate with. You can't be intimate with pornography. Millions of people, men and women, look at pornography, but they never cheat on their partners. Dose ever person who reads a book on murders decide to committ murder? Doese everyone who reads Harry Potter decide to become a magician? This is faulty logic my dear. Pornography, I feel, is less likely to make people cheat, because it educates them about sex and makes your sex life better.
Men lie about porn if you force them too. Allow them to have their hobbies, join them if you can and it will make your relationship a lot stronger. Many people have advised you that most (not all) but most men look at pornography. I haven't found a way to get them to give up. Shouting and screaming won't do it, crying and sulking will make things worse. There are worse things to worry about. He hasn't cheated, he's just looking at naked girls. Men do that everyday, haven't you ever seen the "Sun newspaper" and page three.
I'm not sure exactly how old you are, or how long your relationship has been going on. But the only solution to the porn issue, is to leave your boyfriend if you really can't stand it. Find someone else, and hope with all your heart that they can tell the truth about the level of pornography they use. You have a right to ask him not to throw pornography in your face. But you have no rights to tell him what he can look at or what he can do with his time. If he asked you to give up television, or watching movies of your favourite male actor, you would think him controlling and you would get upset. Pornography dosen't lead to cheating, it just gives a man private time to let off stress..
If you ban him from looking at pornography at home, he will look at it with friends, he will look at it in the car, he will look at it at work. You are not a policeman, how are you gonna force him to stop.
It has nothing to do with how attractive you are. It dosen't mean a man loves you less. He dosen't compare women in porn to you. He dosen't want to replace you for someone that looks like them. Leave him to his porn "hobby". Don't search and sneak, because you will definately find he's looking at it. If he shows you love, respects you, has fun with you and treats you nice, then you should accept your well treated and you are going out with a "normal" red bloodied man who likes sex. Men are not women, they don't feel like we do. Next you'll be asking him to stop watching football or motor racing, or other manly hobbies too..
Many women feel like you, and they can make themselves unhappy by trying to change their man to suit themselves. Relationships need compromise. If he gives up porn, what will you give up for him?
Here are some links to other questions with women in the same situation. Read carefully the answers from men, and what they say about why they like to look at pornography and what it means to them.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-addicte-to-porn-but-hes-perfect-in.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/boyfriend-masturbates-to-porn-and-then-says-its.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/can-men-please-tell-me-why-they-watch.html
You can also look in the index under pornography, as I said there are thousands of women that feel like you. But I've never found anyone who could FORCE a man to give up porn. You could try to communicate with him, and tell him how bad it makes you feel. This has worked for several uncles, who gave up porn to please their partners.
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reader, kapowski  +, writes (11 October 2008):
Hi, two things
Firstly, this really is just a guy thing. A lot of guys look at porn even when they're in committed relationships. (I'm a guy, I have a lot of friends) I also know lots of guys who don't look at porn at all or don't look at porn that much.
Secondly, I get crap in my inbox and my junkmail, but
But then I guess it's about how often he looks at it- is it interfering with your sex life?
But it sounds like the porn isn't the main issue; the problem is trust.
If you've go a guy who mostly just loves you and he ocassionally looks at porn, that's just him being a guy. But if he's had a reputation in the past of going through a lot o women or of being unfaithful, then really again it's to be expected, but the problem is the tendency to be unfaithful (and then yes he probably is lying).
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, I checked his internet history the other night, and found lots of porn sites that he has visited, while lying about his internet habits. I feel violated. I don't know what makes me more angry, the fact that he cruises for other women, or the fact that he lied to me. I just feel like if a man is going to surf for porn when he's in a loving, sexually exciting relationship with a real woman, what'll be next? Is he going to be banging some hot blonde in the upstairs bedroom one night when we're at a party together and he thinks I'm too loaded to figure out he has disappeared from the party? I just feel like I'm having to compete for him now and I don't like that feeling. It makes me mistrust him. I don't feel like I can count on him anymore. I just think it's a matter of time before he really cheats on me.
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reader, wildman +, writes (25 March 2008):
 Porn sites send out all kinds of crap. I wouldn't take any of the emails seriously. I have to constantly delete the junk when I visit porn sites.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): I know that you aren't a woman between 41-50. And I know that you did that because you don't want your boyfriend to find out.Anyway, I feel that your guy could just be an innocent person. A very good friend of mine told me just 5 minutes ago that he hs been getting bad-emails to his account. And I completely trust the guy.Likewise, if you feel you can trust him, just forget about it and get along!But him saying they are random, that CANNOT be accepted because all my life I've never got a single one.My advice is: Ask him a bit more, and if he says he is positive, just ditch the bugger because he's lying, but if he admits concealing something to you, fet over it and forget it all. Maybe he didn't tell you the tuth because he wasn't sure if you'd call him a liar.
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reader, kittikat +, writes (22 March 2008):
 He's probably going to porn sites, but who cares? Is that something that you've both excplicitly stated was off limits? I got to porn sites because I have a sick and twisted voyeur-like curiosity by nature, not because I get off to it or don't absolutely adore my fiance in every way imaginable. Because of this, I get all kinds of crazy emails after going to these sites. I'm a 29 year old female, yet I get about 50 emails a week asking if I want to add three inches to my penis or do I want to "please her all night long". It's probably very innocent. From what I've seen, most dating sites don't have those types of comments in the subject line. Hopefully you guys will open up some more dialog about the porn sites if that's something that really bothers you. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2008): Rubbish, you have to go on some thing related to get something like that! Check the computer, if there is no history there's somehting, trust no one
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): I dont think he's lying. Im a girl and i get them all the time. Myspace is horrible about it! but if you have doubts. just check your internet history.
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female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (20 December 2007):
 I got that EXACT one that your boyfriend did yesterday and I am a woman and I have NEVER been to a porn site or anything! It also stated something about exhibitionism turning her on.So I would definately believe him. I even got one as a text message on my phone the other day saying 'no reason for you to be alone tonight...' and ending with a website to 'view my cute lil cam' Even my 11 year old son got one as a text message on his phone! Boy was he confused!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): I had to change my ISP and email address earlier this year because of all this crap. Believe it or not, in the end I was getting upwards of 400 of these a day. They don't give up either. The last time I checked my old email address some months ago my inbox was chock full of spam - 12,000 emails - with as many again waiting in line for me to delete some of the old ones.
What's probably happened is that he's the victim of email address 'harvesting', whereby an innocent email was sent and somewhere along the line the address was added to the harvester's list, which is then sold on to marketing .coms by way of CD's. I even had spam emails offering to sell me these CD's!
However, if there's a mention of a profile, I'm fairly sure that he's registered on a site like Adultfriendfinder and I'd be just a little suspicious about it. Having said that, it doesn't necessarily mean he's actually looking for anything 'extra'. If and when he registered it might just have been curiosity during an idle moment, and I wouldn't read too much into it.
Phil
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): Yeah if i were you i would believe him because there alot of Spamming out there
and its not bad if your bf looks up porn anyways.
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male
reader, Moviefan +, writes (20 December 2007):
Yeah i would believe him because i have never signed up for a porn site and have windows Vista which stops most malicious software that can cause you to have this problem. recording your information and sending it to a remote server (a computer), thats what spyware does as well as adware. I have security programs like macafee firewall and others. And i still manage to get like 20 messages and like that a week in either yahoo messenger or my email.
And if he has signed up for any site ran by a person or group of people and not by a large corporation or someone trustworthy. They will often times sell the list of information that u gave as well as other info for money to companys and other websites so they can spam u. If he plays old super nintendo games or any old games from a game console on his pc chances are he has signed up for a site to download the files neccesary to do so. Same goes for downloading music movies etc illegaly. I went throught the cisco networking academy so i know what i am talking about.
So just ignore it for now unless something more cement comes along.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 December 2007):
 Well, I have never entered into a public chat room. Perhaps that's why I've never had this sort of problem and I wouldn't believe him. On the other hand, I do receive three or four variations of the Nigerian scam every day. Where they got my address, I wish I knew.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): yea he's probably lying. i dont get anything like that, although i do get al ot of spam. but nothing like that. and hes going to a porn site, who cares? according to a newspaper atrical i read, 90% of men in relationships still look at porn.
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reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (20 December 2007):
 If you are not sure, you can hire a specialist in comZAAputers. My dog just stepped on the computer and typed that in. Sorry. lol. You can actually get spy programs installed that will report back to you. But it all comes down to how much trust and faith you have in his word to begin with, and if he should ever find out that you had that little faith in him, that would probably be an irreversible breach in his eyes. I would only resort to that if I needed proof in order to leave him. Just a few thoughts (extreme case scenario) incase they were of any help to you.
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reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (20 December 2007):
 I believe him. I get that crap all the TIME in my mailbox. I hate it!! Why do I get it, I don't know, but there it is. All the time. GAH!!
I'd let this one go, but that's just me.
Good luck, sweetness!
xx India
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male
reader, jm81690 +, writes (20 December 2007):
 Probably just spam.
My mother gets them, and I've been getting them for a while too.
And although I might look at porn, I highly doubt my mother does.
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male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (20 December 2007):
 Yes they probably are junk mailings. He may have visited sex sites in the past. There are amazing delays in marketing information. I asked six companies to quote me for double glazing 11 years ago and one of the companies has phoned every 9 months ever since. Bit different to some chick legs akimbo on a webcam, I know!
I think you should back off.
Richard
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male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (20 December 2007):
 I think I believe him. I get this kind of crap from girls or fembots as I call them that are trying to get you to look at their websites constantly....and I'm not even looking for it. They try to talk to you when you are chatting and if they get your email send you the same enticing bull crap to your inbox. It sucks! If I had relationships with all these cam girls I'd be Hugh Hefner.
Hey a girl's gotta make living so I accept this like all the other crap you sometimes have to endure in the internet.
Unless you see you can actually read that these girls are being serious and want more than to have him look at their web cams, don’t take this so seriously. They don't want him…they want his money!
So the reason they are targeting him is because he is a guy, they can see it on his profile, so he’s their target. Surprisingly many of these girls happen to be bisexual, and it’s a wonder they don’t try to target women as much as men!
Why don’t you do this….create a fake profile as a guy go into a chat room and see how many fembots attack you. You will know what it feels like.
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (20 December 2007):
He's lying. Probably he gets them because he visited the sites, not because he has corresponded with any other woman. But, you don't get this sort of things randomly. If he said he's getting heaps of Nigerian scam e-mail messages, I would believe him.
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