A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This year I will celebrate my 5 year wedding anniversary. Unfortunately, my wife and I are still virgins. I love her with all of my heart. People that know us think we have the most wonderful, romantic relationship. Love letters every morning before I go to work, flowers several times a month, homemade cards, etc. It's very frustrating and I don't want to sound like I'm venting as much as I'm crying out for some help. She is a homemaker but rarely does any cooking or cleaning. I do 95% of the housework after I get home from working 10+ hours a day (Mon-Fri).Like many guys, I think about sex many times every day. I don't think she plans on ever having sex with me, except perhaps to have children some day. Before we got married we dated for several years and I knew we were both saving ourselves sexually for marriage. Now I'm sitting in a marriage 5 years later that has yet to be consummated. My wife is my best friend and I love her with all my heart. I believe divorce is wrong. However, I feel like I'm trapped with no way forward.What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the words/advice. I'm currently serving in the middle east. We will only have limited communications for the next year. She claims she wants to have a baby once I get back. But for now, we're still virgins.
A
female
reader, Madalo 1  +, writes (5 July 2011):
How about some feedback sir? Whats the situation like now?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): This is definitely cause for concern! i can only imagine how great of a guy you must be if you haven't already cheated on her (and i'm making no accusations). She obviously doesn't value you as a man. You have got to let her know how you feel about this because if you don't is as much your fault as it is hers. Have you tried marriage counseling? i truly suggest it... if you really love her. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (2 February 2011):
 Technically, you aren't married unless you HAVE consummated the marriage; so you are entitled to an annulment. This isn't the same as a divorce - it means you were never married to begin with - because nothing ever began. Choose wisely the next time and make sure that you and your intended are on the same page.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): You should see a counselor, and find a good sex therapist.You mentioned "thinking about sex", but are you making any physically romantic advances, i.e. foreplay? If so, and she refuses, then a few months of that, and it's on her. However, FIVE YEARS LATER, and it's now your fault for not telling her how you feel. Have you not brought this up with her sooner? If she doesn't hear it from you, she has no motivation to change. It sounds like your wife has significant fears or at least discomfort around sex. If she's your best friend, why aren't you progressing on this very important conversation? Best friends talk about their problems with one another. Sex is part of the package when you get married.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): you are the only man in the world who can put up with this... you have broken the record.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): I find it hard to believe you haven't discussed this with each other after 5 years of marriage? If not then you both have some serious communication and other issues to deal with. But if that is really the case then you obviously need to start talking about it. There may be some major issues as to why she doesn't want to have sex with you, or she may be asexual.As someone else said if you love each other and you're best friends it shouldn't be so hard to discuss all of this. If she does have issues of abuse or trauma of some kind then you need to help her to get through them, not make ultimatums. If you have love and a best friend you don't want to give that up.As far as the housework- I'm not sure what that has to do with this really -if she is not working or going to school she should do more of that.
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female
reader, CourtneyAwesome +, writes (29 January 2011):
Hey you sir are very awesome indeed! Does your wife not know how hard it is to find a MAN who is still a VIRGIN?! I'm a virgin as well but ii'm 19 and i'm NOT married. I'm just saving it for the right guy.she is honestly probably going throught something emotional that won't allow her to have sex because she's afraid. But you honestly as a man you should tell her that you work ten hours a day and that you don't need to come home and cook and clean. No offense but that is wrong i'm sure she's a good person but you two have got to go in marriage counseling and to a sex therapist for i know for you this is VERY hard. I honestly wish you the best of luck mate.
:D
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female
reader, auntieloulou  +, writes (29 January 2011):
 I agree, you need to see a sex therapist. there must be some reason that your wife will not lose her virginity and you need to discuss this. she may have had a bad experience and it needs to be addressed.
hope you sort this matter!
by the way, it seems massively unfair that your wife does nothing and you work and do the housework. maybe you need to talk to her about this too and balance the load in your marriage. dont be taken for a ride, your in this relationship too!
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A
female
reader, Sweety Pie +, writes (29 January 2011):
 Yeah, technically you could get an anulment as you havn't consumated the marriage.
5 years and no sex?! You really need to talk to her, maybe shes scared? I guess she may not know what shes missing.
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A
male
reader, Cupid Boy +, writes (29 January 2011):
 Plenty of marriages end up sexless but very few start off that way. So this isn't normal!
Ask yourself, if the situation were reversed and you were the unemployed one who did almost none of the housework and made it clear to her that you'd never have sex with her, do you think she'd put up with it? Or would she have left and sought an annulment years ago?
You could do with some marriage counselling. If you were married in a religious tradition, a counsellor from your religion would be even better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): This is amazing. The woman you are married to has to be the luckiest woman in the world for finding, what is probably, the one and only man who would tolerate something this. How did you manage to avoid talking about your non-existent sex life for 5 years?
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (29 January 2011):
Wow you are an epitome of the "nice" guy! Surely the question of sex has come up, in the time that you have known her? Surely you know her views towards sex, and why she won't participate? Have you never, ever, tried to make a move on her? You don't mention any of this in your post.
I suggest that there is something seriously wrong with her view towards sexual intimacy. I think without knowing any of the above, it is difficult to know what to say, but above anything it sounds like she needs to get help in getting past those.
If you truely are best friends and love each other with all your hearts, it won't be a problem to bring this issue to the open and discuss it, and find out what to do about it.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (29 January 2011):
 hi
if a couple BOTH don't want a sexual relationship with each other that is fine BUT as you and maybe she doesn't THIS IS A HUGE PROBLEM.
she is a homemaker but leaves 95% of the housework for you to do??? what on earth is she doing all day while you're at work??
i can't help thinking that some of the problem is caused by yourself because you're tolerating it. you say you don't believe in divorce but this woman is not being a 'wife' to you anyway! its just like living with a friend, but a friend who is taking massive liberties by letting you be the one who goes to work, earns the money AND does 95% of the housework. she is just not playing her part.
have you told her how you feel about this situation?? have you asked her why no sex? i think its high time that you and her went for marriage counselling about this if it can't be resolved 'in house'. if she can't even apply herself to getting on with housework and cooking while you are at work, how do you expect her to be able to look after any babies that you might have in the future?? you'll end up having to take the kid to work with you!! which brings me to my next question: did you discuss children before you got married? it sounds like you didn't, and that is rather an important factor that should have been agreed on before the marriage took place, do you agree?
x
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male
reader, ivanichiaynus +, writes (29 January 2011):
 As usual, "CG" has hit it spot on.You do everything in this so-called marriage and she appears to do nothing. After all those working hours you still do most of the housework - what a bad deal you have got!Does she make ANY contribution at all?I suggest that if she isn't prepared to consummate your marriage by your actual 5th. wedding anniversary that you proceed with an annulment; but make sure that she knows you plan to do just that, to concentrate her mind.....Ivan.
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female
reader, Cherrie_StPierre  +, writes (29 January 2011):
 I don't understand how you have had this marriage so long and have not discussed this issue with her. A relationship is all about communication with the other person. If you can't communicate with her, you are wasting years of your life away. I agree. You need counseling. Sex is not everything but you really shouldn't be living like this. xoxoxo
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male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (29 January 2011):
 You're at least 30 and perhaps 35. This isn't some adolescent whinging; you are a man approaching middle age, in a committed relationship.
I don't know under what rite you were married, but my marriage vows made it pretty clear that sex was in the cards. And if it didn't happen, then the marriage wasn't consummate, and could henceforth be annulled. As in it never happened. So, for what it's worth, you're not looking at a divorce. You're perfectly within your rights to seek an annullment.
I know people who said that sex was something to be kept for marriage. Usually that meant that the wedding night kicked off some serious carnal knowledge. And if it didn't, nothing in the future ever changed. Sound familiar?
You have a choice. You can continue to live as an asthete, catering to her asthetic desires. And acknowleging that so long as you remain faithful you face the prospect of leaving this world a virgin. That's a reasonable choice -- if you love her, and she chooses to remain a virgin, you can accept that.
From you post, however, it doesn't sound like that's your preference. Which leaves you with a decision to make. Suck it up and keep loving her within her status quo.
OR
Make it clear to her that the status quo is simply unacceptable, that you're going to seek an annullment and find someone with a more balanced idea of love.
I suspect that if you do the latter, she'll discover that you do in fact have some determination and that she needs to come to terms with whatever issues are keeping you in this wholly unsatisfactory situation. And that she'll seek the counselling she needs.
The bottom line is that you need to decide. Unless you're genuinely prepared to leave, to precipitate a crisis, you're going to die a faithful virgin.
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A
female
reader, AuntyMaur +, writes (29 January 2011):
 I find this amazing. in the eyes of the law your not married because it has not been consimated. Something is dreadfully wrong its like you are flatmates. You both need to see a councillor if you are unable to communciate to each other about sharing intimate moments together which is a normal part of human adult living unless your a Nun.
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A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (29 January 2011):
You two should go see a sex therapist or some sort of counselor about this issue for sure. Do you ever bring up the topic to her? Isn't that one of her marraige obligations in the biblical sense? She must feel very uncomfortable about sex. Is she healthy and able to have sex? There is a possibility she does not have any sex drive. This is hard and I don't think I can offer any real advice, just see if you two can seek professional help. First I would try to talk to her about it seriously but not harshly and ask her if there is anything you could do to make her feel comfortable because you want to consumate your marraige. Sex is for pleasure as well as bearing children. It builds a whole new type of bond that goes deep. You two are missing out on that and it is beautiful but it takes time. Hope things work out for you.
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female
reader, Blue_Velvet +, writes (29 January 2011):
 Well the first thing you might try is talking to her, let her know that you have these frustrations and that it's putting a strain on your marriage. Maybe she's scared still, or perhaps just doesn't want to make the first move. I know divorce isn't an option for you, so perhaps there is some other reason, some trauma in her past that is keeping you two from having sex. It sounds like you're doing great work and she could be nervous that if she has sex with you, than you'll stop wooing her. I say your first step is to talk it out with her, let her know she's your best friend and that you love her with all your heart.
Blue Velevet
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male
reader, Reserve58 +, writes (29 January 2011):
You ever talk to her about it? Maybe the stress of sex scares her, maybe she had a bad experience in her childhood. Lots of maybes, need more details on to what you have done to talk to her about the subject.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): Do you have any sexual contact with her?
If not, I would consider counseling or perhaps a sex therapist...I'm not sure what the housework has to do with anything, but she sounds like she's either asexual or totally oblivious.
When and if you come on to her, what does she say?
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