A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:am i wrong here? i have been with my boyfriend on and off for a year and half. he was getting a lump sum of money and we were going to get married sometime this year but i think thats not going to happen...anyways he got the money early today and we had agreed we would go pick a flat screen tv out together, and instead of mailing his daughter money we were going to send a huge box of goodies. i worked closing shift today and found out he purchased a tv without me and sent a moneygram to his daughter for 1000. am i wrong to be pissed at him for talking to me about it????
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 January 2011):
 your guy may not have realised it, but he has inadvertently reminded you of a very important lesson, namely that in a relationship you observe a man's actions, not just listen to his words.
And you observe what a man actually achieves by his own efforts, not what he boasts the he will achieve, when his luck changes for the better.
A man's actions tell you his intentions and his motivations, far more surely than his words. And a man's achievements demonstrate his character. Be those achievements positive or negative.
Perhaps he thinks you should not concern yourself with money matters.
But this is a myth.
You do need to be involved in the financial decisions if you are in a partnership with another person. Married or living together, you are still partners. Though legally marriage strengthens your position.
And as far as money and assets, in any partnership/live in relationship or a marriage - there should always be your (yours and his) shared wealth. But both partners in a relationship should also have some discretionary money that is their's alone.
When life is very tough, and barely enough $ to survive week to week and even day to day, then the following is harder to achieve.
But as soon as possible, once regular employment incomes start being earned by both partners then do try to instigate some prudent financial structures to ensure your financial prosperity in future.
Namely:
There must always be money to pay for shared expenditure, and it is good if you both contribute to that shared expenditure in a equitable (fair) manner, in proportion to your income. But also separately there should be amounts set aside for personal wealth accumulation of the partnership that is a joint amount, owned by both of you. And set aside as savings or for future expenditure.
Now you might think that is the end of it. But it is not.
Each partner should not have to go to their partner for money for every little thing.
Each partner should have a smaller amount always set aside in their own separate bank account that is solely in their name. Solely to be used or not used, at their discretion. At the beginning of the marriage it may only be a small amount. But start as you mean to go one. Establish a pattern from the start. Of saving/setting aside money on a fortnightly or monthly basis in your own name. To save or spend as each partner chooses.
For both partners in the relationship.
If you steadily/consistently save some of your separate amount, you will be smarter than if you spend it. But worse off if you spend it before you receive it.
The worse thing one partner can do is put their head in the sand and stop being involved in the money decisions in a partnership. The rule is 'keep involved' in all the monetary decision making.
A relationship is an equitable (fair) partnership for both parties to the partnership.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (29 January 2011):
You didn't say that in your original post, and that was important because it does change the answers you get.
If he is always saying that what's yours is his, then you have EVERY right to be angry at this because he is being hypocritical.
Though I do stand by my point about the money to his daughter.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess what I'm getting at is how can he tell me what's mine is his, and what's his is mine? He excersizes that constantly even though we are not married and thats what even makes me question any of this! He is constantly telling me not to worry about whose is whose and that it's ours. That word ours is confusing me. If he preaches that then why not practice what you preach? Regardless of if we are married yet or not!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 January 2011):
I think that you have the right to be angry about making decisions and him then backing out when you are married. But I think at the moment it's still his money, and he can to an extent do what he likes. Certainly you have more of a right to be annoyed about the TV. Him sending the money to his daughter whether you are married or not is less negotiable. She's his daughter, and is therefore entitled to money from her father.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 January 2011):
It is his money and he can spend it as he sees fit.
But you two are a couple. And you made an agreement, to do some things together.
Maybe you were looking forward to buying (with you both doing the buying together) multiple goodies for his daughter, but he preferred to send $1000. Which may have been more than
you would have thought would be sent?
I think he has acted like a 'single' guy and he's gone out and pleased himself, and he's done exactly what he wanted to do. With his money
Sure he can do it.
And maybe he cringes at the thought of telling you how he really feels.
But if he wants a good co-operative loving relationship, he had better learn to say what he really means, be honest with you. If he disagrees with you, then he needs to discuss it. Not go away and do the opposite of what was previously agreed.
Yes I would be simmering and disappointed that he failed to discuss his change in the plans you both agreed to earlier. At the very least he should appraise you of why. You are in a relationship, and he should respect that fact. He is not an island and neither are you.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (29 January 2011):
 First off, you get to feel angry, that's always okay. It's how you act that matters.
Right now, it's his money, and you're not married. The fact that he's even spending money on a TV for the two of you is already very generous. And he made the right decision to send money to his daughter rather than a goodie box - maybe she'll be wise enough to invest it, or save it, rather than blowing it on something. That would be a greater gift by far. So, I don't see you as being in a position to say anything to him about his decision - disappointment that he changed his mind after talking to you, but nothing more. He was well within his rights.
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