A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:do u think once a cheater is always a cheater? thanks for ur comments in advance. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (23 February 2011):
 thanks for that, Mr Clark. i have read the article and it makes for interesting and worrying reading, in equal measures! some one on the thread (on the other site) denied that cheating was anything like the effect that drugs and alcohol can have on a person, because drugs and alcohol are chemicals but in answer to this i would remind him that sex, orgasm, the excitement of falling for someone new all give us a hormone rush and flood us with 'feel good chemicals' also! so it is the same!
if this gene IS the thing responsible, you would have more chance of your 'bound to be unfaithful' partner being able to change, say their height, or their eye colour! nature is nature and the force of nature is hard (or impossible??) to get away from , BUT nature also dictated that we would all be naked and living in caves, but we no longer do THAT do we?
so when humanity, morals, care, love, respect, compassion, empathy, common sense, decency, fear of being left by our spouse, come into play they (we hope!) may be enough to stop this gene controlled compulsion.
i am studying psychopaths at the moment, and a school of thought is that some people are BORN with the personality disorder just the way that some people are born with a mental disability, and just like a person cannot be cured of that disability, the psychopath cannot be cured of their disorder, in spite of psychiatric treatment, as there is just NOTHING there to work with. like, they just don't have the mental capacity. i know i have gone off the subject there but, it is sort of similar.
back to the question though, in order to know if this person will repeat their cheating again, you would have to find out WHY she did it in the first place. i mean, what EXACTLY did she get out of it? was it just for 'fun' (maybe she has the thrill seeking gene) or was it because she was not getting what she needed from relationship to feel good ABOUT herself, in terms of attention/affection/respect/love or was there more of a revenge thing, to teach the guy a 'lesson' (again for not giving her what she wanted) or he/you may have made her feel jealous or insecure with regards to another woman at the time.
if she states that she was unfaithful 'just for fun' or because she was bored, then this is a problem because it shows she can do this, just for kicks, so what happens if she gets bored again? this is the one thing you will not be able to take action to prevent because even keeping someone entertained 24/7 can its self bore the partner
xx
A
male
reader, Mr Clark  +, writes (23 February 2011):
I certainly agree that people can choose to cheat or not, but that's not an answer to the question. It also begs the question: why do people with a specific gene mutation choose to cheat at twice the rate of people who do not have this mutation?
I'm an alcoholic, as was my father. He chose to keep drinking and he died from it. I chose to quit quite a few years ago, and I intend to keep it that way. I was in a relationship with a woman for quite a few years who almost never drank. She told me the sensation was unpleasant. For me, I felt great after a drink. She chose not to drink, and I chose to drink. When I quit, it was a bit of a struggle at first to overcome the urges. As far as I could tell, she never had an urge to drink, and never struggled with it.
The bottom line is that we are not all identical in terms of the temptation that we feel when confronted with a particular situation. Does this make it OK to act on urges that are destructive, or relieve those who do act from any responsibility for their actions? That's a different question.
It is not possible to predict with absolute certainty the future actions of another human being. As I undertand the original question, the person asking it meant "Is someone who has a history of cheating more likely to cheat in the future than someone with a history of being faithful?" This question does not mirror any real situation, because there will always be more facts (e.g. did the person stop after realizing it was causing him/her serious sproblems?)involved that would affect the answer to the question. However, if we're to assume that all other facts are equal (the only reasonable choice given that no other facts were provided) in my opinion the answer is yes.
Obviously, it's not as simple as one gene mutation, and I did not mean to imply that with my prior post. I was also not making a statement about people being responsible for their own behavior, making excuses, etc. I was simply throwing out a fact (people with a certain gene mutation cheat at twice the rate of those who do not have it) that could be taken into account when attempting to come to a conclusion with respect to the original question that was posed.
Here's a clip from a news item on the topic:
So should a woman have her boyfriend tested before accepting his marriage proposal?
"By the time she meets him, unless he is very young, his track record will prove whether he has acted on his infidelity gene or not," said Quilliam [a psychologist]. "If he has been unfaithful in the past, he is likely to do it in the future."
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/scientists-discover-gene-responsible-cheating-promiscuous-sex-habits/story?id=12322891&page=2
I tend to agree with the psychologist. But, to each his/her own.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (22 February 2011):
no i don't believe so. i have cheated in the past, not in big ways, that doesn't mean i will do it now though. i notice your age, are you asking this question because your girlfriend has cheated previously and you want to be sure she won't do it to you or is your question just because you are interested in the subject? i think cheating is quite common in young people / adolescents because we are not really sure we are ready for the commitment and we are not emotionally mature enough to handle a committed relationship properly (this is the case with SOME people)
i know nothing of genetic predisposition, but i can see how a persons upbringing may have some influence. (like with a lot of problems, namely violent tendencies, addictive behaviours, personality traits - good and bad!) so there is the old question of nature or nurture again i suppose.
there are no rules to this i think. a cheater can possibly change, or not, someone who has never cheated before can become a cheat. you need to look at the bigger picture, the rest of the relationship, their attitude towards you - and themselves.
also if a person has cheated in the past, the REASON for this is a MASSIVE factor when considering if they might do do it again
xx
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A
male
reader, sevenseals +, writes (22 February 2011):
 It's not a "genetic predisposition" to cheating (though there may very well be a gene that lends to that behavior), but the necessity of genes to spread out.In other words, genes run a lot of the show that is evolution. The more opportunities there are for genes to spread, the more they'll successfully move in to future generations (and, of course, change gradually overtime).The point I was making was that part of the reason why "infidelity" and "cheating" are so rampant in the animal kingdom (and in ours, though, remember, we are animals, as well) and monogamy non-existant, is that need to spread your genes (and maintain them) is strong. So strong, in fact, that it guides a large part of our instinct to continue existing into future generations.It's not a moral issue, nor is it an issue of "overcoming" those needs. Ignoring may be a better word, but it's also inaccurate. I'd say "avoiding" that need is probably the best, because you can't ignore instinct, but as the type of mammal that we are, it's possible to avoid the instinct by remaining "faithful."That's part of our social construct, what we've invented from our biological evolution, as well as our moral evolution (you know, 'don't kill the members of your pack because you rely on them as much as they rely on you'). Simple morals that are the basis of our complex moral views.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (21 February 2011):
Blaming your genes won't make you any less of a cheater nor will make you less cheated (in case you are justifying someone else). Excuses are just that, excuses.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (21 February 2011):
 Correlation is not causation. "A genetic predisposition" is a cop out in my book. People make their own choices. Saying they cheat because it's in there genetics is bullshit. I've seen studies about genetic predispositions to just about everything. All this does is make people feel like they don't really control their own lives.
For example, I'm genetically predisposed to alcoholism and physical abuse based on my family history. Am I either an alcoholic or abusive? NOPE! Why not? Because i CHOOSE not to be. Cheating is no different.
The most compelling genetic evidence is more anthropological in nature. Back to when we were struggling as a species males copulated with as many females as possible to insure the spread of the species. They were protective of their females because they wanted to make sure it was their offspring that survived.
To me, the genetic argument is just escapist. Take some personal responsibility for your choices and actions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Mr. Clark for the analysis you presented. Quite impressive, and the words I said before, you made it proved. Sorry Capri I don't agree with you. Genes do play significant role in whether a person will cheat or not, as been presented by Clark.
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A
male
reader, Capri2 +, writes (20 February 2011):
You can be genetically predisposed to cheat. But you can always choose not to cheat, no matter what your genes say.
Everyone is genetically predisposed to copulate, that's the way humans evolved and are here yet. However, we are not having sex with anyone in any place. Because we have evolved with a moral behaviour too. And these morals are the one we use to judge a person how cheats.
So, no matter how genetics make the people cheat. Those who cheat are doing bad from a moral point of view.
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A
male
reader, Mr Clark +, writes (20 February 2011):
There is some evidence that some people are genetically predisposed to cheating:
Your Cheatin' DRD4 Gene Mutation
. . .
Researchers have long suspected that DRD4 would strongly link to promiscuity, and the first study of its kind has just been published, suggesting it is so.
The DRD4 research was done at SUNY-Binghamton, surveying 181 college students about their past sexual behavior, sexual expectations and sexual preferences. They also took a DNA swab from the inner cheek. 23% of the females and 26% of the males had the varied genotype. The study looked at three aspects of sexual behavior:
1. History of sexual intercourse
77% of the respondents had had sexual intercourse, but there was no statistically significant difference between the genotypes.
The number of past sexual partners was also not materially different between the two groups.
2. History of infidelity
22% of the people with the standard gene reported having been unfaithful to a committed partner in the past.
50% of the genetic mutants had been.
Of those who had cheated, those with DRD4 had 50% more sexual partners with whom they had been unfaithful, i.e. they cheated more often.
3. History of promiscuity (One-Night Stands)
24% with the standard gene had engaged in at least one ONS.
50% of the mutated gene owners had.
Previous studies have focused on men, but this study found no differences between males and females. The researchers were careful to point out that “behavioral outcomes are probabilistic, not deterministic.” Apparently, quite a few people with the long version reported that they had never cheated. Why do some people resist these urges, while others don’t? It’s not fully understood, but the authors of the study did say:
“DRD4 VNTR genotype varies considerably within and among populations and has been subject to relatively recent, local selective pressures…in environments where “cad” behavior is adaptive, selective pressure for DRD4 would be positive; but in environments where “dad” behavior is adaptive, selective pressure for DRD4 would be negative.”
http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2010/12/03/hookinguprealities/your-cheatin-drd4-gene-mutation/
To my mind the correlation between the gene mutation and cheating is not all that strong, but it does suggest some people are more likely to cheat than others.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks Cerberus. i liked ur statement "If they can do it once they can do it again". u r very right. means what is the guarrenti they won't cheat if they cheated on the first place.
Capri, in one of my previous questions u had very rightly said that cheating is not only physical relationship but also anything else than that which makes the other partner hurt or upset and that i restated in my followup.
Abella! no need to thank me. i said what u deserve and that is true that u have a good logic and explain the things quite nicely with good supportive statements. keep it up dear.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 February 2011):
 what a lovely followup. You made my day! Thank you male 22-25.
If you choose to sign up to DC (if you have not yet chosen a name yet), then feel free to consider signing up to DC as MrGenuineGoodGuy (or similar). My best wishes to you, Abella
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): Cheating is always a choice OP. Cheaters can choose not to cheat too. That "if their partner treated them better" excuse is pathetic. Cheating solves nothing, hurting someone to get what you want doesn't make things better it just makes you a fool and a bad person. Someone who just can't cope with life in any reasonable or responsible way.
There are no reasons to stay with someone if they're treating you like crap, none. There are excuses but none of them wash, you're not a good person for staying with someone who hurts you, you're a fool.
It's not genetic it's a moral issue and peoples morals differ. Some people find it acceptable to hurt others and they can even justify within their own moral framework just like bullies do.
People like to complicate everything in life but you can live in black and white too. Cheating as a rule is a no-no, there's simply no justification at all. Are there reasons? Of course there are reasons for everything but you have to make sure that knowing those reasons doesn't let you excuse their actions.
She hurt you once, she can do it again. Whether her reason was a moment of weakness, she felt unloved, she was drunk etc. no matter what the reason or excuse she did and she can do it again.
Under no circumstances have I ever felt the need to cheat nor have I ever cheated, kissed another girl nor gotten into an inappropriate sexual situation with a girl who was taken nor if I was taken. Some people just don't care about any of that, they don't care who they hurt they just want instant gratification in that moment. If they can do it once they can do it again.
Love is always a risk, the risk is there that your partner may cheat on you but if they've done it before then the risk increases in my opinion.
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A
male
reader, Capri2 +, writes (19 February 2011):
Well. I agree with you, even when that's not cheating in the way we use that word. Telling you that she loved you and talking all the time about her past love is cheating too. I think she was cheating herself more than cheating you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all. i really appreciate ur comments. i was much impressed with some of ur comments which were based more on logic and i rated them 5 out of 5. special thanks to abella for a nice and impressive analytical comments accompanied with good facts/ examples. i really appreciate it.
some of u said that cheaters cheat, bcoz they are not satistied, secured whatever from their partners they are with. but my case was not like that. i treated that girl very nicely. loved her so much and trusted her too much. u know she actually proposed me for the marriage and i happilly accepted it. though she didnt cheat me physically with that guy (sex) but she was always mentioning that boy name to me whom she told me one days she used to love. eventhough i told her repeatedly don't take his name to me but after some time she was repeating herself. i really didnt know that eventhough she knew it hurts me but why she was repeating herself, and again telling me sorry, she didnt mean that.
i don't know which kind of love was that. did she want me becoz i was a good boy, or a guy very good in his studies, having a good job or what? i really didnt recognize that girl. what kind of girl she was? i broke up with her, but again after 2 months of breakup on 14 of feb, she wrote me a long email telling me she loved me, but alas she had already commited so many mistakes that i couldt really trust her again. that was the whole story, and at last i will say that it is in the genetic and DNA of one to cheat or not. important to say, cheating is not only physical relationship with others but anything or any act which hurts the partner, is cheating.
once again many thanks from u all.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 February 2011):
PS
I know men will often try to claim that both men and women (implying equal percentages of each) do commit domestic violence and do cheat.
But my perception is that just as more domestic violence is committed by men more often, than women..
I also think that men are far more likely to cheat and become players than women
and as a further post script i read about a man in National Geographic who is still alive, has 18 current wives and 94 children. Each wife gets to spend one week with him every 18 weeks while his other wives look after the children of that wife spending 'her' week with her husband. Each wife had an identical tradition home in the family compound. By the South African standards this elderly man was well off, he owned land and livestock, grew his own corn and had a willing laborforce.
But i would not call this man a cheater, as in his culture it is acceptable. And he treated each wife equally and was very open about what he was doing.
But i have never seen a story about a woman keeping 84 husbands. And perish the thought that she would ever try to contemplate giving birth to children all her life. Maybe science will allow it one day?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 February 2011):
I think there are people (male and female) who go off the rails, and make a bad decision, cheat, get found out, learn from it, discover how much pain they and cheating have caused - and decide that cheating is not the way to go.
Because cheating is horrible, unkind, disrespectful and does really really hurt others.
Players are different.
To players NOT being faithful and saying YES to sexually sampling as many people as they can manage is how they like to live. Whether players are married or in a relationship, players will still cheat.
Lying is what players do best.
I suspect that players, like gamblers, become such practised players, that they can't stop. Despite a loyal partner or wife. Despite the lies. Despite often almost getting caught, and lying their way out of it.
I wonder if cheaters always have to have someone in the background, to hurt. Otherwise it wouldn't be 'cheating'. If there was no partner, wife or a girlfriend who they could lie to.
Maybe players start as cheater amateurs and then go on to be players, and not able to resist a temptation, get away with it a few times too many.
Then do not want to stop
Finding the sexual 'wins/scores/trophies' they perceive they gain along the way are worth the extreme thrill they feel, when they are getting away with the cheating.
Like gamblers they don't allow themselves to think about potential losses. But deep down, lurking in the background is always that fear that they will get caught.
One serial cheater (no, not a person I was ever involved with, just a client i was dealing with) told me, as we discussed his impending third divorce, that often he did not even remember the woman's name in the morning, and that cheating was like sexual gymnastics for him, like golf is sport to other men. That's how much his affairs meant to him! Yet he was married all the time he cheated.
So perhaps the payoff (that cheaters get away with by cheating) becomes such a huge payoff/ thrill achievment for them every time, that it becomes part of their way of life. The lies they tell become a
normal daily occurence. And so players keep cheating.
Unless NOT cheating becomes more compelling, in order to keep the attention of a particular partner, that the cheater
chooses to stop.
I do not care what he looked like, who he appeared to be, what values and attitudes he claimed to hold, at the first hint he was a player I just would not want to ever consider such a player as i think only emotional pain would await me in the future. So such a guy would not be worth it under any circumstances.
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male
reader, sevenseals +, writes (19 February 2011):
Yes, but that doesn't mean they can't control it.Monogamy and "faithfulness" are made-up constructs of human society. That may be an unpopular thing to say, but it's true.All species of animal (including ourselves) "cheat." Constantly. They may even birth offspring, and still cheat. Many bird species, once thought to be the best examples of monogamous relationships, have actually turned out to be highly-prolific cheaters. And, of course, "jealousy" and rage are just as common in their worlds as in ours.The reason for this is that it strengthens the chances for genes to be spread. It's a biological urge, not something "evil" or "wrong." And it works both ways! For example, some females in the bird species will allow the male to take care of its young, while procreating with another. That results in her original offspring to survive, while also gaining the opportunity to reproduce again! The difference between them and us is that we have the option to ignore our instincts and genetic needs. Many do, and live within long-lasting, loving relationships. Others don't. While the pain and sorrow of infidelity is very real, remember that it's easily remedied by moving on. Such a simple fact only helps illustrate the false idea that monogamy is somehow, the preferred, biological way to procreate.Wrong and right are just constructs, but it's about how you choose to live your life that matters. If you choose not to cheat, great! If you choose to cheat, you have to be ready to take full responsibility for those you may hurt. But again, it doesn't make you a bad person. It's the way it is, as we're all animals, no matter what contrary beliefs you may hold.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): I took a chance on one. Skank b*tch burned me in more than one way. Not only did she cheat on me three times but she left me for a married man and with an incurable case of herpes. Don't be an idiot like I was. Be smart and protect yourself. Stay as far away as possible from a cheater! Look what happened to me. A cheater's can't offer you nothing but bad news and trouble.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): It depends. Some people deserve to get cheated on because they treat their partners like complete crap. the partners may be too "nice" to leave them. Instead they cheat on them beacuse they believe it's more important to technically stay with the person officially, than to leave them, even though that person treats them like crap. or they are told that to leave a relationship for a new person is betrayal but staying with someone is better even though they hate it. If they finally leave this person and get with someone new who is good to them, they may never again feel a desire to cheat.
If your partner cheats on you, you have to ask WHY. it's always easy to blame the cheater 100% and say you are innocent, sometimes we need to take responsibility for why our partners have no feeling for us anymore. Your partner wouldn't cheat on you if he/she was happy with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): No, in my opinion and based on experience, we should not say that they will always be cheaters. Each and every individual has a different life experience than the others so it is harsh to generalize.
Case in point, my sister, she cheated on her ex with her friend. So she married this friend and now has a son. And even though she is treated very badly by the husband and even if the ex still tries to contact her, she remains faithful to her husband. She swears she will never ever cheat again. When I speak to her about being pursued by my ex, she always reminds me against cheating.
So we should not always say that if a person has cheated before that he will always be this way. No. People do change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): A cheater is a cheater no matter you call it. I don't care how much a cheater has changed for the better, I will not give him a chance even if he is genuinely remorseful because cheaters are like addicts in remission. They can snap and go back when they themselves don't even plan to or want to. So yes, once a cheater always a cheater. I run like hell away from them.
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female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (18 February 2011):
 No, unless he/she is obviously a player. People make rash decisions at times, (emotional action/reaction deal). Who you are in your 20's isn't the same person as your 30's. People can learn from mistakes, that's what life is about.
Couples just need to learn to communicate and work on getting better and expressing themselves, rather than ignoring problems.
Cheating usually happens when a person feels like they're not being cared for and/or their needs are continually not listened to. Some feel trapped yet they still have desires and needs that aren't being met so, they cheat.
It always takes two to tango. There are always red flags we don't pay attention to and there's consequences to not heeding those warnings. Ultimately, the choice is yours to act like a fool or to be dedicated to who you're with.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): No, cheating is like any other thing, there is ALWAYS a reason, and understanding those reasons is key to understanding the person and their possible future actions.
People do change, for the better, as well as for the worse.
Saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater." is like saying "Once faithful, always faithful."
Which, as we all know, is simply not true.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): Yes. Once a cheater always a cheater.
Technically that is not the case it's very possible that a person who has cheated will not do it again. It's also possible for someone who has never cheated to be capable of it. Personally for me, knowing that they have done it means they've already screwed over someone they loved in the past and that they're more than capable of one of the greatest betrayals in life and a person like that is not worth the risk.
People make mistakes, fair enough but there are enough people out there that have never cheated for me to never have to consider dating one.
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A
male
reader, LittleAlfie +, writes (18 February 2011):
 Cheaters can certainly change if they want to. I know, from personal experience, that if they mess up bad enough, they'll straighten out. They have to be truly punished, mind you, to learn anything from it. For example, falling truly in love, and cheating on that one perfect person that hold so dearly, and subsequently losing that person forever. That can be enough to turn everything around. They may not get their love back, but seeing the pain they caused that person often times has a way of reflecting itself in their hearts, and knowing that sort of pain will help them determine, indefinitely, that they never want to do that to any one person ever again.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (18 February 2011):
 Nope. Cheating is a deliberate act which takes, at the minimum, several minutes to do. Cheaters have every chance to think about what they're doing, and deliberately ignore it.
Cheating is a deliberate betrayal.
So, while I could forgive a girl for kissing another guy briefly - it takes a few seconds, and really is something they could do on impulse - someone who goes all the way is capable of deliberately putting their own temporary pleasure above their own honesty and loyatly. That's a capability that doesn't go away.
Any loyalty a cheater demonstrates is just a sign that they have not faced a sufficiently large temptation recently.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 February 2011):
It's definitely something to be concerned about, but I do believe people can change if they really want to. People make mistakes, it's how you learn from them that shows your true character.
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female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (18 February 2011):
 No, when i was younger i used to cheat on my boyfriends. Then one day i met an amazing guy, and i suddenly thought to myself 'im not gonna screw this one up' and i never cheated again.
So i agree with Vintage, i think can change if they want to.
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female
reader, Duckyhelp +, writes (18 February 2011):
 I think cheaters can change their ways. If the person they are with means a lot to them.
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male
reader, Capri2 +, writes (18 February 2011):
Some cheaters will always cheat, no matter what. Those who cheat just once out of the confusion, frustration, angst or anger are more likely to not cheat again. As long as they are really sorry about what they did, even when they had an almost valid excuse.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): That depends. If it was a drunken one night stand and they are truly sorry then yes. If on the other hand the person is actively perusing others behind your back it's doubtful they'll change.
It's never as black and white as "yes or no". There are many reasons why people cheat. Ego, commitment issues, feeling neglected by their partner, a moment of weakness.
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female
reader, viccra78 +, writes (18 February 2011):
Most people on here are going to say yes to that question but I would have to say no. It ALL depends on the person. Some will be and others won't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): No, I think cheaters can change if they want to.
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