A
female
age
30-35,
*aleJ12
writes:I want to get pregnant but I know I'm young... I'll be 17 in two months and I've been in this relationship for almost three years.My boyfriend is in the Navy and I love him very very much. We've had a miscariage and it hurt both of us very badly because even though it was unplanned, we got excited with the thought of being parents and being a family together. If I get pregnant when he comes for leave next week, he has a 75% chance of coming home for good in the next few months. He has two years left in the military and I don't know if I can bear him being gone for that long. I miss him terribly and we've been through soo much that I'm sure we're ready.Financially, we would be ok. He has a savings account for us and really wants a family and so do I. I'll be a senior in high school in August so I'll be pregnant for 8 months of senior year. I don't care what I have to risk senior year. I love him and I can bring him home... Help.? Should we get pregnant.?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): OP, thanks for posting some followups. I'm glad to hear that you've reconsidered. I'm still curious, though, why you are so sure that your boyfriend would be able to end his enlistment early if you get pregnant. The military normally holds soldiers and sailors to their original signup times. The only exceptions that I'm familiar with are instances where someone has been so badly injured that they cannot continue.
The only thing that I can think of is based on TasteofIndia's post. If you were to get pregnant and someone in your boyfriend's chain of command found out, he could be quickly discharged. If this is what you were counting on, you should know that if your boyfriend were convicted of violating the UCMJ he would be dishonorably discharged. This means that he'd give up any benefits that he would otherwise be entitled to--i.e., no college money, no access to VA benefits, etc.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 June 2011):
 Ah, you are worried for his safety. Believe me, I know how that can feel. Several family members were deployed, in harm's way, and it is absolutely gut-wrenching to worry. They too, had to put their life-plans on hold. No babies born then! But now there are, and they are lovely.Now, I noticed you didn't respond to Taste of India's extremely useful post on what would happen to your boyfriend if his underaged girlfriend became pregnant. Any particular reason you don't want to respond to that point?Best thing to do is wait until you have your diploma, a job and are able to support yourself, without him (shocking, I know); then you'll be in an ideal place to raise a baby from a place of strength, instead of starting out with all sorts of disadvantages. Seems fairer to the baby to me.Be well, and don't worry, the military men and women who sacrifice so much for us are never far from my thoughts.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 June 2011):
 I must agree with Chigirl.
It sounds that the main reason to conceive this baby would have been be to bring your BF home from the Navy, and, well, he is in the Navy, that's his job- he signed up for 5 years of his own will, he has a committment he should honour, and when you met him he was at bootcamp- what did you expect ?...Sorry but this sort of reminds me of Goldie Hawn in Private Benjamin, she signs up for the army on a whim and when she sees there's no tennis court and no swimming pool she says : I want to go home- I don't mean your boyfriend, though, I mean you, you seem to take for granted that a good reason to leave the Navy would be that you feel lonely and are tired of waiting and you want him home to keep you company. That's very debatable.
Forgetting that little detail, that you are still underage , in theory you should not even be having sex, let alone getting pregnant.
And that, no it's not such a cinch to finish senior year while being pregnant, maybe you could have done it and maybe not. First thing first, better to secure yourself that high school diploma which will allow you to get a living, then thinking about making babies.
Maturity is not simply " having gone though a lot "- there are people that go though a lot all their life without ever learning anything from their experience, maturity is also, and most of all, being able to give up instant gratification in view of a future objective, a better result, or better times.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 June 2011):
 I didn't see the other follow-ups you wrote before I posted again (only saw the last two), so here's another post.
I didn't call you immature for you age. I said that you are your age, you aren't older, and you shouldn't try to be either, it'll just mess your life up and you'll miss out on a lot and chances are high you will regret it later. The facts are your you are immature, technically speaking, you aren't fully matured yet as a human being. There's a reason people under the age of 18 aren't seen as adults. In some cases people under 21 aren't seen as adults.
I said it sounds like you haven't talked to him about these plans because you didn't really mention him in your plans. You mentioned him having savings, and mentioned none of your own. You also appeared to have made a lot of plans that are convenient to you, and where does he fit into the picture? I can only answer based on the post you write, and information you leave out I will have to take as not being relevant or important. I can only base the answer on the information you provide.
I'm not judging either... not that it will make a difference, you're determined to see this as an attack at you either way. What I say I say with the best intentions, because I have seen young people have children and not finish their educations. I have also seen many many girls who got pregnant at 18 to their boyfriends, and only one of those girls (a girl who didn't finish high school for that matter) are still together with her boyfriend. All the others have found new boyfriends, and the children are about to have half-siblings or are lone children. This isn't to say it will happen to you, but this is the experience I have with cases like these. So, you've seen some other cases where they do stick together, at least now you now that isn't always the case.
Since you said all I have to do is ask, I will ask, seeing as you write back (not all posters do): are you living with your parents or on your own? Do you have an income? Because if you want a child, you'll need an income, or else you are just relying on your boyfriend for money. And if you get pregnant, he'll need to work. He'll get paid in the Navy, he wont get paid if he goes to college. Chances are higher that he'll be staying in the Navy if you are pregnant. College costs money in the USA, even he cheap ones. That means studying is an expense (you know this, but Im simplifying it for the purpose of explaining my thought), whereas what you need is an income. Not an expense. If he works on the side with studying he'll be away from home all day either way, and you will be left alone with the baby to take care if it. With very little money. And no time to be together with your boyfriend. If you plan to move together with him you have another expense. If you plan to raise the child at home with your parents then you need to ask their permission. Might be they aren't too keen on that.
I heard you, you aren't going to get pregnant anyway now, as you figured it'd hurt too much because of the miscarriage. But also, now isn't really the best time to start a family, and I hope you see why. With no income, or only a low paid job, him studying and working, and you with a baby.. where's the time for a relationship? You wouldn't be seeing him much, and both of you would be worn out.
Did you think about that? Did you plan out the practical aspect of it? Having some savings doesn't so the trick, what you'd need is a good income. Where would the money come from? I'm not judging, Im just asking.
And then, like I said.. if he gets flaky about what he wants in life, you're looking at trouble. What if he starts to wonder if he made the right choice, what if he wants to return to the Navy and finish what he started? What if he decides he wants to work instead of studying, as you need more money, and then he hates his job and knows he could have done much better had he just waited with starting a family? There's just too many pitfalls, too many risks of him resenting his choices.
I also had a best friend who's mother got her at a young age. She ended up living in foster care, as her mother was hardly ever at home. For a period she lived with her grandparents too, when she was little, because mom felt young and wanted to go out and party, not be stuck at home with a kid.
You don't think you'll feel that way now, but what if? I think there are just too many risks, and it's not really worth it either. If you want a family, you can have one, but later when all the pieces fall together naturally and you don't have to plot and plan and scramble to make ends meet. There's never a perfect time to have a child, but some times are better than others. You know that if you wait you will be able to provide for the child with so much more. That's why most of us wait with having children, because we want to give it the best we can.
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reader, hopeFUL_romantic_13  +, writes (26 June 2011):
It's good that you two decided to wait. Just so you know you're not the only one who is worried. All women, especially married ones with children, fear for their military lover's safety. The good thing about not being pregnant now is that you don't have to worry about the child losing it's father. Think of how wives and children of all ages out there must feel when they have to watch the father leave them for who knows how long. Also about the post @chigirl, you told her not to judge you when you came off as being somewhat judgment yourself. You can't say you have more life experience than other people have had in a lifetime. Unless the adult happens to live the lifestyle of Bubble Boy, they are the ones with more life experience. Not to be rude, but you're coming off a bit as one of those "why me" types. You have a roof over your head and a boyfriend who loves you. You could have it a hell of a lot worse. There are children younger than you and I who have gone through absolute hell just to survive and probably have experienced more than you have because they're more exposed to the cruelty of the world.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (26 June 2011):
Why did he join the Navy if you are both so desperate to have him home? Why did he willingly make the decision to be on the other side of the world?
I think it shows a lack of commitment if he signed up for the deal to be on the other side of the world if that's where the Navy wants him, only to break that commitment because he can't be bothered any longer. This just doesn't sound right, he doesn't sound too serious about his own life, his responsibilities, or you for that matter. Because yes, you would be risking your education by getting pregnant. Maybe you could pull through and finish, but it'd take an iron will, and honestly, why would you put yourself and the relationship through the stress?
And why have a baby just because you want him to be home. Like I said.. why did he join the Navy in the first place if it's not where he wants to be? It's not like someone could force him, he made that choice himself. If you and him are to survive as a couple you need to be supportive of his decisions, and he also needs to trust his own decisions. Right now it sounds like you're trying to take over and tell him what to do, because you don't like his decisions so you want him to be home. And then he starts to become flaky about what he wants, and trust me, if a man gets flaky about his career, he'll get flaky when it comes to his relationship as well.
Trust me, let him go pursue his career, it's only going to be for a few years. And you are both still very young when he comes back home, with all the time in the world to start a family for the right reasons.
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reader, ValeJ12 +, writes (26 June 2011):
ValeJ12 is verified as being by the original poster of the question @TishaIt's not that I just miss him.The thing I'm afraid of is.. losing him. Not just breaking up or fading away, but his safety. [Moderator removed personally identifying details that compromised user's privacy.]I would have finished high school. I don't have fantisies or 'happily ever after' dreams. I'm realistic and know for sure with me getting pregnant we could bring him home. I know I would risk many things but not my education, or his. He would get 10,000 a year for his college and I live 10 miles away from a college that is fairly cheap and provides everything we need as a family. I know I can get scholarships and with him by my side we could have done this together. It would be difficult but better than having him on the other side of the world Like I said, we decided not to get pregnant again... It hurts both of us because we have the memory of our lost child and somehow this would solve everything for him. But we just can't... Thank you for the response anyways girl.
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reader, ValeJ12 +, writes (26 June 2011):
ValeJ12 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone else for the responces. We had already talked this through and I just needed other opinions. I don't want a baby just for the joy and kicks of it. It's a very long, complicated story... He loves me and I love him to death, and bringing a baby into this world would be the best thing for us. It would bring our families together...We have decided to wait... If I did get pregnant he would get out around next May. Since we're not getting pregnant, he will be getting out 2013 or 2014.. He already talked to the pain in the asses in charge but they would be willing to let him go because the ship is letting people go for other reasons anyways.. He is very very good at his job and even though it hurts both of us, he's going to stay the whole five years that he signed up for. We have been together for 2 and a half so we can do this... So many people don't know how this feels so a chance to bring him back home, bring our families together, and create our own together, sounded really good..... Please keep all sailors and soldiers in your prayers.. They sure need to be strong....... :(
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reader, ValeJ12 +, writes (26 June 2011):
ValeJ12 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@chigirl, I don't know why you think I haven't talked to him about this but I HAVE discussed this with him. HE wants a baby and a family. We BOTH want him home.I DO have financial savings.I have one year left in high school. If I got pregnant in july I would give birth in april meaning I would be pregnant most of my senior year. DOESN'T mean I will drop out or I don't have any future goals for myself.Who says I have no life experiences.?? I have been through soooo much that people have not gone through in their whole lifetime.Who said i would "plant a baby without his knowledge"?? We BOTH want this. He more than I because I know what we would have to risk.We MET when he was in bootcamp for the NAVY. We've been together the WHOLE time he's been in. I knew I wouldn't see him often but I love him. I'm sorry if you don't know what that is. So don't call me selfish if I want to help him come home. (WHERE HE WANTS TO BE)Don't call me immature for my age just because I'm not '23'. I have probably been through more than you in your lifetime and still I am strong.I don't know if YOU didn't finish high school but I know a dozen people who had children and finished high school and went off to college and are STILL with the baby's daddy.So look lady, don't call me 'immature' or 'selfish' if you don't know the Whole story. And if you wanted to know you could have just asked. Don't go around your life and judge people and asume you got the whole story straight and that you're right. That won't get you Anywhere.I know THAT, being the 'young', 'unexperienced' person I am.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): I married a man in the Army at a fairly young age and started a family right away. My advice to you is: Don't follow in my footsteps! Being married to someone in the military is very hard when he's stationed hundreds of miles from your hometown, and it's even harder when you have babies and toddlers to care for. My understanding is that the military is more supportive of families now than they were 20 years ago, but even so, they still expect soldiers and sailors to put their families second if there's a conflict between your needs and the units'.I'm not sure where you got the idea that there's a 75 per cent chance that the Navy will let him out of his commitment early if you get pregnant now. That sounds totally implausible to me. Reality check: When you go into labor, if he's not in the middle of a 6-month tour on a ship, and he's not performing some critical duty, he *might* be able to go to the hospital with you. Military wives have babies without their husbands' presence and support all the time, unfortunately. It will depend on his CO--and a lot of COs are, shall we say, not the nicest people.Also, your boyfriend is probably just a couple of years older than you, so he's most likely enlisted. For a single guy the pay is enough for him to sock away some money. But for a man supporting a family, the money (obviously) has to go a lot farther. Living in Navy housing will help, but you'll still have to budget creatively. I hope I don't sound unsympathetic. Believe me, I know what it's like to miss someone who's halfway across the world and to wonder how you'll ever manage to get through the time until he comes home. But everyone else is right--you'll be much better off in the long run if you finish high school and get some higher education under your belt before you get married and start having children. It will also help keep your mind occupied on other things besides how much you miss him. Best wishes to you.
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reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (25 June 2011):
 Throwing this in - my husband is a Marine and he says that you absolutely shouldn't get pregnant because your boyfriend will be royally screwed by the military. If he impregnates a girl under the age of 18 according to the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ), he's in a whole mess of trouble. And not the "oh, he gets to get home and we'll be happy, hooray!" kind of trouble. The your boyfriend will be in for hell and a half and who knows how long it will be before you see him again.
So, if you want to keep your boyfriend in this relationship and out of trouble, you'll want to keep pregnancy (and sex, really. If he's having sex with you and they find out? Not good. At all. Even under most states general US law, you aren't legal until 17) out of the picture.
I'm away from my husband all the time. It sucks. But after two years - I've got two years left too - it will be over and we can get back to our lives. In the meantime, finish school - that's what I'm doing, only university - and do what's right. Keep that hot little bod amazing for another couple of years, get your life together, mature and then make all the babies you want!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): You're way, way too young. It seems to me that the main reason why you want to get pregnant is so your boyfriend can come home. You didn't mention anything about you having any money, and even if the pair of you did have savings, it wouldn't last very long once the baby arrives. One of you will need to have a full time job at least to bring the child up properly.
Believe me, what you're thinking right now, you will NOT be thinking the same in two years to come. At LEAST wait until you finish high school. Have fun while you can, you're young!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2011): My condolences to your loss. You are in a very sensitive state understandably, but please know you giving up alot to consider another child before you graduate high school. You do not know yourself as well as you think, give yourself and your boyfriend time to grow beyond where you are right now. Enjoy your high school year!
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reader, zhacha +, writes (24 June 2011):
Greetings to you... It could be that you two are mourning your lost child and that is influencing you to desire to have another child right away. As others have said, do not rush into having a child without a stronger long-term foundation.
Complete school, get to know your boyfriend even better as more times goes on. As you said he may be away due to his military status, that would be far harder where there children involved, epecially at such a young age where your ability to deal without him would be harder.
Regardless of separations, you relationship can deepen if it is meant to be. Enjoy yourselves in the context of setting goals and celebrating milestones that are coming up (graduation etc).
After that point you will also KNOW YOURSELF better and be all the more equipt to marry and consider children.
Best to you in your decision.
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reader, Odds +, writes (24 June 2011):
 You're rationalizing - your hormones already made the decision for you, now you're using your brain to make it sounds like the right decision, rather than using it to make the right decision.
Wouldn't you rather your boyfriend come home for good, *then* you have a baby? You'll be, what, 20 years old by then? How about marrying him first, and getting your education finished so that if something ever were to happen to him (God forbid), you'd actually have skills and an education to fall back on and be a provider?
How about bringing a child into this world because you can care for it together and give it a home, and not just because you really, really want it. I'd suggest getting a dog until then.
It's great that you've been with this guy so long, and I hope the two of you work out and are together forever. But part of being together forever is making smart decisions, and being prepared for bad choices or circumstances. It's like leaving contact information with your neighbors while you travel - better they have it and not need it than need it and not have it.
Be smart, finish school, wait and see if he comes home, get married, build up the savings a little more - you could have a kid within four or five years, easy, and be only 22 or so. Plenty of time to spare.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 June 2011):
Isn't this more about you missing him and less about you being ready to parent?
You are 16 years old. I don't know that many teen mothers, but the ones I have met don't really have an easy time of it. I know that many children born to teens mothers wind up living in poverty. I know that many teen moms never finish high school and this means they are automatically eliminated from consideration for many jobs.
This sounds like it's more about you and your fantasies about living happily ever after.... life's tough and parenting is even more difficult.
If you two are meant to be together, waiting until you finish high school isn't a massive burden on you, is it? I mean, you are able to complete it, right? You aren't afraid of that or anything?
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reader, sammy1986  +, writes (24 June 2011):
hi i really would not advise this you are way to young to be a mum i am 25 and a single mum and it has not been easy also what if your boyfriend does not come home you would be 17 bringing up a baby on your own this is something you really need to talk to your boyfriend about
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reader, dizelle  +, writes (24 June 2011):
 Hi there,from what ur saying I can tell that u really thought about it.but may I suggest u think about it in a different way.Clearly u are a very smart girl,strong too.sorry for your loss.You are 17 and already have a lot on your plate.your boyfriend is also young and going in the army.yes its great that he has plans for you but those plans would be more appreciated if you also have better plans for yourself.wouldn't it be nice if you had your child and you can say mommy achieved academically(finished high school,went to college and university and became someone very important before being pregnant).It is very difficult and sad at times to watch your peers achieving and enjoying their youth while you can't because you have a child to raise.as for the finances,I think you should first go to college get your degree or some form of qualification while your boyfriend is away,that way you both can contribute to the savings and it would be better to be pregnant then.there is nothing as sexy as an independent,humble womanly woman.please don't fall in the statistics of being a burden to someone else or rather too dependent as the economy changes from year to year and it grows to be a turn off.please don't fall pregnant again wait until your older and have achieved the things you want to achieve.graduate high school,go to college,if he loves you he will come back from training to you without feeling obligated by a child to do so.too many young girls fall in the trap of the feeling your feeling now.and its sad because many seem to think they have all worked out better than the last one only to have it all crush down before them.the world needs more educated powerful women,and I believe you can be one of them.your dreams should spam way beyond the feeling your having.please I say this again don't do it.
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reader, MissTellAll +, writes (24 June 2011):
 You've made a strong argument here for yourself, but I'm going to go with no, you shouldn't have a baby. You're young. You've got so much ahead of you. I know that sounds cliche, but it's true. Do you really want to give up the chance of a better life for whatever kids you could have in the future by not furthering your education than a high school diploma? Your boyfriend may have savings, but do a little research. Look up the cost of living, the cost of raising a child in today's economy. While you're at it, consider schooling. College for this baby-- you do want your baby to get the best, right? Well, look up tuition costs. What about medical expenses? Just having the baby can cost a lot of money not to mention, worst case scenario, something were to happen where your baby would need extra care. All just dollar signs. Plus you're sixteen. You're trying to make it sound better to yourself by saying 'seventeen in two months' but you're sixteen. I'm not saying you and your boyfriend won't stay together, but so many things could happen.Put off having a baby until you can give it the best.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (24 June 2011):
You haven't discussed this with him.
You want to get pregnant because you want him home.
You have no money or financial resources yourself, you only rely on his savings. You take no responsibility in this respect.
You have not finished your education, meaning you have no ambition of ever contributing financially.
Despite thinking you are ready, you have close to zero life experience. You don't know how to pay your own way, have no concept of money or responsibility, and don't even have your own place to live.
Have a child when you are done with your education and have a good job, when both of you have a decent income, when both of you are already living together, and when he's been included in the plans. Don't plant a baby on him without his knowledge.
If he wanted to be home with you and not in the Navy, he wouldn't have joined the Navy. You're being selfish if you want him home despite him wanting to be right where he is. If you don't approve of the Navy, find a boyfriend who's not in it. You can bring him home you say, like he didn't choose to go away himself. It was his choice, and you need to respect it. He was the one who wanted to go. If you can't take the distance, end the relationship. Even if you do get pregnant he could still be sent out, and you'll be home alone pregnant and with a baby, and he'll hardly ever see his child the first few years.
The reason you think it's such a good idea now is because you're too immature to see the consequences. Your ability to see consequences isn't fully developed until you are around 23 years old.
If you get pregnant now you will be stuck alone with a kid, without finishing high school (yeah, you won't finish it, that's what you're sacrificing) and end up with a low end job at the supermarket. No guarantee of your boyfriend sticking around.
If you're serious about your future with him, finish your education, and start studying. By the time you finish college, you and him could be living together, he'll have earned up more money and saved more money, after college you can find a good job and help contribute to the finances, and THEN you decide together to have a child and be a family.
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reader, hopeFUL_romantic_13 +, writes (24 June 2011):
No. Don't do this to yourself. To take care of a baby, you'll need a career to provide for it. To get a proper career, you need to finish your education. Do the smart thing and wait until after college. If you love your boyfriend, surely you two can wait. Think of the responsibilities are required for taking care of a baby. If you go off to college and your boyfriend leaves for the military again, who will take care of your child? At the end of the day though, it's your decision. Please make a wise one.
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reader, Drew21  +, writes (24 June 2011):
 Eh, my recommendation for you would be to be sure that you at least graduate from High School before you consider marriage.
Not getting your high school degree now would REALLY really limit you later on in life.
I would say NO, don't risk getting pregnant until after you graduate from High School.
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