A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,Let me try to summarize the whole story really quickly.(for more detail on how things started, read "I want to show him I care without scaring him off". This is a followup.)I met a wonderful man who lives in another country not far from mine. We clicked, we talked non-stop for about 6 hours, we kissed, and we slept together. We stayed together until the next day, when he'd be flying back to his country, which is not very far from mine. It was fun, nice, sexy and sweet.He insisted we should keep in touch. And so we did. About a month after this he went away to the other side of the world, on work, and we lost touch for about a week.He had mentioned a few times he'd like to see me again. I felt the same way. I wasn't sure whether he really meant it, and even if he did, he is very busy due to his work and probably wouldn't even have the time even if he meant it. However, I decided to take a risk and invited him over to visit. I did it mostly for my conscience, the "at least I gave it a try" so I could move on and have closure once he'd reply he's very busy.To my surprise, he said yes without even hesitating, and told me he'd like it to be before Feb 8th because he would be leaving to work for 4 months on the other side of the world. He cleared his schedule, found the longest amount of days he had free, and flew over. 2 months after we had met, and last seen each other, we were together again. He kept saying he had never done anything like this before, and how good it was that he did. He told everybody who would call him that he was here with me. These were 3 beautiful, perfect days whose every minute we spent together. We are compatible in every single thing and just couldn't get tired of each other's company. He opened up, showed me pics of his closest friends, and family. He took hundreds of pictures of me, and of the two of us hugging, and kissing.Saying goodbye was really hard. The moment I kissed him for the last time in the airport I was already missing him. As soon as he got home, he sent me the sweetest message saying things like how these days with me really put a smile on his face.After this, we kept in touch regularly and once and a while he would send the cutest photos of the two of us together (he still hasn't sent me all of them). We shared a few hints of how we feel about each other, and about our time together but nothing too direct. I was in some relationships before including a 5-year long one, and I know it takes time to get to know people. I also know we got to know more about each other in our little time together, and our message exchanges, than I had with some people I was with for longer time. But still it is not enough. We need more, and being so far apart doesn't help.Our last contact was a few days before his big trip. He had sent a very brief message, after 4 days of me waiting for a reply, to which I replied as I always do, without stressing or even mentioning the time he took to reply or how short it was. On the next day, he sent another message, much longer, sweet, with a painfully cute picture of the two of us, where he tells me he has been doing thousands of things that he had to prepare for his trip, telling me what he has been up too, etc. - Kind of explaining why his last message had been so brief, although I didn't ask him for an explanation. In my answer, on the day before his flight, I wished him all the best for his trip, and said I would love to know how things are going and it would be nice if he could share with me his funny stories and keep me posted on how he's been doing once he settled.This was almost a week ago and he hasn't replied since. He's going to be there for 4 months. I don't understand these mixed signals. He is the busiest person I know, I understand he has little time, but if he was thinking of me, he could at least send a short message, right? I don't know what to make of all this. On facebook he hasn't commented or replied to any wall posts that people have been leaving (and from what I see, he always does as soon as he finds the time). But he did go online, as I see he friended a few people in the meantime (people related to his work there).I asked advice to a friend of mine, who has a similar career, and she told me that whenever she's going away for work, working every day including weekends (like he is right now), time passes very quickly and a week feels like it has been a day.Still, there is always time for a short message, right? Apart from that short msg he had sent me, he seems to put a lot of thought in the things he sends (including his last msg), and that's what kind of made me hang on when he'd take time to answer.But a week?... I really have strong feelings for him. A bunch of interesting handsome men have been asking me out for dinner and I've been saying no, because I don't want anyone else right now. It's stupid, I know, because I'm single and owe nobody an explanation, but I just can't feel attracted to anyone else. Should I just acknowledge that he moved on, and try to forget him? Should a wait a while longer? If so, how long?I don't like being clingy, I don't send more msgs when ppl take time to reply, I usually wait. But should I give it one last try, and write again? And if so, how long after my last message should I send the 2nd one?I understand "busy" a bit, in my work I also have phases like that where I can barely keep in touch with my friends. And if this was just the case of him being busy I could live with that, as long as I knew he didn't forget me. As long as he'd tell me that, I wouldn't mind waiting whatever it takes.If your advice is "write him again in XXX days if he doesn't reply in the meantime", should I tell him how I feel? I don't know if I have the guts to do that. Is there a "subtle" way to say this? I'm afraid of opening up my feelings too much....See the chaos that is going on in my head? Please help me :)Thank you!
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (15 February 2011):
 Overthinking situations sucks. I'm the same way. I've found that it's usually when you're just about over that edge that you learn something that makes you feel like a complete idiot. Hell, that happened to me yesterday.
My advice would be to calm down. Relax. Figure out just what you want and see what happens.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): ohgetreal: if you know that much about psychology you'd know that you can't make a diagnoses on pure speculation. I don't have a bachelors degree but i know enough about it.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (14 February 2011):
 The walkin dude: Your message makes a lot of sense!
I must admit that while I do think the OP probably should have waited longer (yes, yes, I know they're in different countries, but she did say that where he lives is not that far from her home) to have sex with the guy. I'm also aware that men can give women a lot of "sweet talk" when they want to hop into bed, but I can't say I saw that particularly in what the poster told us......and its true she's only known him a short time.
Maybe see if when he returns home there's an opportunity to go where he lives for a visit and meet his family........and ohgetreal calling him a possible sociopath is a bit over the top.
As you said, a week really isn't that long, particularly after going overseas to work. I recommended that she relax a bit more, go to lunch with the guys who invited her (if she so chooses) and try not to get so obsessed with him.
I'd add that being happy and actively involved in her own life is much more attractive than sitting around fretting and worrying! OP, wouldn't you prefer that he associate you with good things, rather than wondering why you haven't heard from him?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): "It is not a safe world out there, there is at least 25% of the population that are sociopaths."
ohgetreal: not sure where you got those statistics but i'm doubting they're accurate. Calling this guy a sociopath is going a bit over board. You're not a mental health professional so i wouldn't go throwing around words like "sociopath" so easily.
OP, the guy has a very busy job as you say and more than likely he is just that, busy.
I wouldn't panic about this message just yet. A week really isn't a very long time if you have a busy life. If he's interested you'll hear from him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): You meet a guy you like, and who professes to really like you (flies down for sex with his frequent flyer miles). You hook up again thinking it wasn't just a one night stand(deep sigh of relief, he must really like me!),and then for some unknown reason, he pulls back, ignores you, and/or does something nasty. When you get upset and ask if something’s wrong, we tell you the truth but he'll for sure tell you he's still interested of course. He'll send you even more sentimental pics until you believe him, and then repeat the cycle of ignoring you, pulling away and/or doing something nasty. It’s rinse and repeat, until you eventually figure out that he's full of shit and end the game yourself. Simply put, his words will not match his actions and you are seeing the first glimpse of that.Guys like him are generally very good actors. If he frequently drops lines that begin with, “You are the only one I ever…” or “I’ve never done (X) before I met you,” etc, it’s a sign that they’re lying. They will say and dothings to make you think you’re special, and that’s how they will keep reeling you in. This is all about control. He gets to determine the pace, temperature, and direction of the relationship by blowing hot and cold/pulling back. This is why if you do the running or blow really hot, he’ll sprint in the opposite direction because it’s too much for him to handle and removes his fundamental tool of relationship management. At first you’ll be freaked out by the inconsistency but over time you end up being trained to acclimatise to it and this is when he goes into cruise control. It's a masterstroke on his part and enables him to manage many women at once.This type of inconsistency he gives fuels your expectation for drama and excitement. You never know where you stand with a man like this and it ends up turning into a cat and mouse game where you’re trying to catch a man that doesn’t want to be caught. You have to understand that it might feel like your situation with him is unique, but the reality is that he has been down this road many times before. He believes that all he has to do is say the right things and you’ll be silly enough not to notice thathe hasn’t actually followed through (words not matching actions). Yes you realise that things aren't adding up, but you just keep revisiting the same scene and make excuses for him, he'll make more declarations, under-deliveries, and then you'll start the whole charade all over again. He can get away with his actions not matching his words because you and all the other women in his life let him. You may think you are doing a great job by not nagging or expecting but what you are really signalling to him is you don't mind his watered down version of a relationship and it sets the foundation where he will miss every important aspect of your life and just show up when he wants, making a grand entrance for the small things or some sex and you'll be through the moon just like all the other women he has spread throughout the globe.
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female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (12 February 2011):
 You really don't know this guy at all, you had a sexual fling with him and now somehow you think you are in a real relationship because of a few pictures.
How do you know he isn't married? A man who travels a lot for business and put in the effort to talk to you for 6 hours so you would feel comfortable enough to have sex with him has done this many many many times before, despite him saying otherwise.
You can block specific people from seeing your wall posts or status updates, specific photos and albums. He can block you from appearing in his friend's list from others, all he has to do is customize his security settings. He can hide being married on Facebook, and the scammers know that it is a great tool to create a false identity.
I am not saying this is the case, but you have to wise up here. This is a fantasy, nothing more.
Start dating real available men that you can find something out about and have real relationships with people in your own location.
It is not a safe world out there, there is at least 25% of the population that are sociopaths. Not all sociopaths end up with a life of crime and imprisonment, they walk among us leaving hurt and heartbreak in their wake. The use people and see them as supply, they have no conscience and they do exhibit red flag warnings that most of us are not educated enough to recognize. One is a very fast pursuit and start up of sex and relationship....another is disappearing and testing just how cooperative you are and how much bad behavior you will put up with, in short how easy you will be to use and take advantage of.
Do you really think this man is worth giving your trust and heart too, when you haven't really made him prove himself to you, you gave it all up right from the start. Even a normal man has to question your sanity, and may be prone to using you too, at least for a short while or a romp....
I'm not judging you, I am trying to get you back down to earth and warning you that you need to take better care of yourself.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (12 February 2011):
WHAT mixed signals?! He's been overseas for one week and you're complaining because you haven't heard from him?
You heard what your friend told you about her experience and how a week can go by and feel like a day; you saw that he hasn't commented to anyone else on facebook who left messages.
For heavens sake, lighten up! Don't sit around waiting to hear from him; GO out with the men who have asked you! It doesn't means you're going to fall in love with them, its just a pleasant lunch or dinner.
Give it another couple weeks and if you haven't heard, THEN you might send a message.......
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (12 February 2011):
WHAT mixed signals?! He's been overseas for one week and you're complaining because you haven't heard from him?
You heard what your friend told you about her experience and how a week can go by and feel like a day; you saw that he hasn't commented to anyone else on facebook who left messages.
For heavens sake, lighten up! Don't sit around waiting to hear from him; GO
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female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (12 February 2011):
You really don't know this man, are you sure he's not married? A fair number of married men, cheat and have affairs especially if they spend a fair amount of time away on business.You can block people on facebook from seeing your wall posts and responses, even photos and albums by specific person. He can still hide being married from you even on FACEBOOK simply by blocking you from access to certain things....it's a great way to create a false identity and the scammers in life know this.This is not a real relationship, time to get back to earth and start dating men who you actually do have a chance of developing a real relationship, where perhaps it is not first based on sex and all the rush of hormones that fog a girl's brain. Don't let yourself be F'd stupid...
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (12 February 2011):
 Iv said this many times on this site and I'm saying it again: NOBODY is so busy that they dont have time even for one message. If a person WANTS to talk to you, he/she will. If they dont want, nothing can ever make them do it. Its as simple as that. This "busy" story is always a sham. Sorry...I know thats not what you want to hear right now, but thats what it is.
You know what OP, when you really like someone and you care for them, you never play games with that person. There's no room for deception. Im sure you had the most magical time of your life with him, but given the fact that he's so busy right now, leave it at that.
If he felt the same way as you, you wouldn't be penning down this post right now. Clearly he's not and you are...which shows how differently both of you have perceived this "relationship". Irrespective of whether you talk to him again or not, please make sure and be very careful that you dont get played by him...recognize the signs and pattern (if you feel there are any) and be careful. Lets face it, at the end of the day, this man is a stranger from another country and you dont know anything about his life there.
Its always wiser to be safe than sorry...tread carefully.
All the best...please keep us updated.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (12 February 2011):
DO NOT contact him again. If a man wants you, he will make sure he gets a hold of you. If a man is thinking of you, he will be in touch. In the meantime you need to get a hold of yourself and your emotions. You have let yourself be swept away by man you really haven't spent much time with. You are obsessing over someone you've essentially only known for a few months and have only had a few dates with. You need to step back a bit. Relax. As magical as your time together may have been, if you make too much of it you will scare him off and drive yourself straight off Heartbreak Cliff. If something wonderful is meant to be, it will be. and if it's not, then at least you got to enjoy a little romance.
In the meantime, you have a life, friends, men who want to take you out, so go ahead and go out! Have fun! Then if this man circles back around, he will find a happy, self-fulfilled woman who has been having a great time on her own and has many happy stories to share. If he doesn't circle back, then you moved on and didn't waste your time and your emotions on someone who was only out to have a little fun.
If you just sit home by the phone waiting like a snoopy vulture, when he circles back around no matter how hard you try to hide your feelings, he will find a tense, suspicious wounded overly emotional chick, it will turn him off and you will end up miserable.
It's hard in this day and age, all these movies have us believe two people meet, feel that magic and are destined forevermore... but it rarely happens like that in the real world. I know it's really hard to meet someone you are so into and then have them drop out without any explanation. But whatever is going on with him, you need to bring the focus back to you and stop expecting so much and over-analysing every little thing. Quit stalking his facebook page. Maybe he really is just busy with work. Maybe he has strong feelings for you too and they are spooking him so he needs a little space to feel grounded again. Maybe he's a lying playboy with girls in 5 cities around the globe. Eventually the truth will come out, but you won't know until it does so obsessing over what's up with him serves no good purpose but driving yourself nuts.
Someone once said when a man isn't around, just forget he exists, until he appears again. It may sound cold but trust me it's very good advice. If he wants you, he will come for you. If he doesn't you don't want to invest anymore of your emotional energy on this situation.
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male
reader, Abass Abassi  +, writes (12 February 2011):
I applaud u and give a stand ovation to your loyalty, faith and honesty u have to a person who is far away from u. I love u and ur loyalty. To your response i will say that, before accepting anyone else offer, u had better contact him once again and tell him, is he really serious in that relationship? You listen to him what he is saying, is he really want to have a relationship or just wanted to have some days with u. If later is the case then u have to move on and accept someone who really wants u for a real relationship.Dear one thing is important here to say, that whoever u make ur life partner should have all the good qualities u search in. i mean u shouldnt just rush to find someone to fill the gap of that person whom u r in contact. should be someone who is equally faithful and loyal as u r.Let me say again, that call him and ask him seriously that how long it will go on. is he really ready for a relationship or not. listen to his response, contemplete it and then take a firm and last decision.Such a situation will make u worsen day by day. it is better to move on either this way or that way instead of waiting uselessly.May God help u always. i would thank on his behalf for ur loyalty and faith. Best RegardsAbass
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011): Guys will take time off to get laid. No surprise. I'm sure he did like you, and I'm sure it was fun, but it wasn't a relationship; instead it was a vacation holiday. The fact that it was on a "limited" time added to the "emotional high." You were played a bit, and he is keeping you on a back burner (back up). As soon as he gets his next chance, he'll be having fun with someone else. (Sounds like it will be soon the way he played you...) I'm sure this guy is a stud, and you cooed all over his life story, pics about his family and friends, blah, blah, blah, and you hung on his EVERY word that he was saying... sounds like HE had a great time all around;) I hate to break it to you, but he likely has other girls in other "ports" when he travels around, and when he next passes through your city, he has a free place, free food, and all the loving and admiring he can soak up. Best of all -- he doesn't have to stick around for the really difficult parts of relationships: compromise, nagging, disagreements, taking care of someone when he is sick, etc. No wonder you think he's so great; and even mentioned the 5-year relationship in this same story ironically. There is no comparison -- the 5 year relationship was a relationship; not this. Am I getting through to you? Bluntly, you've played. Don't be used again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011): I feel for you. There is nothing worse than really caring about someone, but knowing that it's a good possibly they really "are not that into you." Especially, when you have that "connection". Try to keep busy and go out with other guys, it may help with getting your mind off him. It's kind of "out of your control". Sometimes, love can create a problem ... it is never easy! Hang in there!
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (12 February 2011):
Hi there. Long distance relationships are really challenging. Not to mention very, very lonely.
Meeting someone while they are either on holiday or on business, in your country, does have a kind of magic about it. But unfortunately, it's not real. Yes you both met and got on well, but once they get home - then reality sets in. All the thoughts of whether you are going to be able to see each other again, comes up for both of you. So eventually, it kind of fades like a dream. It's extremely hard to keep it going for any length of time.
Facebook and texting or whatever else you talk to each other by, is ok, but not like sitting in the same room and being able to look at each other, smile, laugh and being able to hold each other in your arms. It's just not the same.
It's settling for second best.
Even though you say you spoke to each other for 6 hours, and got along really well, and then slept together, it's still not equal to a month's worth of going out on dates with him, if he lived in your own country.
It would be really wise of you, to start accepting offers from these other handsome men who seem interested. You're not breaking any laws. You haven't sworn to wait for him. You are both free agents.
A bird in the hand is equal to 2 in the bush.
Each time you say "No", to these handsome young men who have tried to ask you out, you are missing out on chances of real happiness. You just never know where that might lead.
Even though this man you met is away on business, there's a pretty fair chance he might be asking out girls he meets. There's absolutely no way you could prove he wasn't. Even if you hinted at it happening, he would simply deny it anyway. So you'd be none the wiser.
He's there, you're here. The more you turn down offers to go out with these other very nice young men, all you are really doing, is making yourself completely miserable! And all over a man who you knew briefly for 6 or so hours - and you might never see him again in your entire lifetime! Did you consider that? It's entirely possible.
It's still ok to go onto Facebook - from time to time - to leave a message for him there, but it would be better for you, if you just leave simple messages (don't say how you feel about him), and be friendly but keep it light and let him see there is no pressure for him to answer your message.
Also if it's a few days to a week (as it is now), and still no reply, don't leave another message, then another and another - hoping to hurry him along. Because that is putting pressure on him. It could make him head for hills! It really could make you appear needy and desperate, and men don't find that attractive at all. So for that reason, you need to tread carefully.
And to make it easier to do so, start accepting dates from these attractive young men, the very next time they ask! Life is too short. Start really enjoying yourself!
The more you start going out with men who ask you, the less dependent you will be on this LDR guy.
Even if you decided to still keep communicating with him, it wouldn't be very long before you both run out of things to say to each other. Then you will either start fighting or just not answering the other's messages at all. You could come to the end of the road with him, sooner rather than later.
Consider your actions very carefully, from now on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2011): I would not contact him. Let him contact you. In the meantime, if nice men ask you out, go. You are not in an exclusive relationship and it will take your mind off waiting around for this guy. Live your life and keep busy. Don't put your life on hold for months to see what happens. Yes, he could send you the occasional text, but nevermind, a week isn't a long time and maybe he is just very tied up. You are right to not declare your feelings to the full extent while he is away. You can only see what happens after his trip. The signs were good that he liked you, but whether it turns into something more is not clear at this stage. It could go either way, so don't make yourself miserable in the meantime. You are putting a lot of emotional investment into this man and I would do yourself a favour and stop thinking he is THE ONE just yet.
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