A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:As background, my boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years and were quite happy together. We were near engagement, so it's a very serious relationship. I went to a going away party this weekend and got blackout drunk at the end of the night. Apparently I kissed another guy before being taken home by my friend - which I only found out the next day.I told my boyfriend what I had done immediately. Unfortunately, the guy bragged to my boyfriend's friends that more happened later - which it did not. I wasn't even there! Now my boyfriend rightfully won't speak to me. To make matters worse, when we had first started dating a guy got really aggressive and kissed me while I was also blackout drunk.Alcohol is NEVER an excuse, and this experience has made me realize I need to stop drinking altogether. if this is the consequence, losing the person I love most, then I will have paid dearly. I have already started speaking to a doctor on how best to stop drinking. I also fully think I deserve whatever I get, so please refrain from name-calling in your responses.That said, I'd like advice for what to do. Should I leave him alone while he makes his decision? I recognize chances are slim I'll be forgiven, but I love him dearly and could not be more regretful of the choices I have made. What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): First off, remember YOURSELF that you are HUMAN and you simply cannot overcome things that you have that make you innately human. Remember that.
Secondly, go to the following website and take this quiz. Be brutally honest with yourself in your answers and take this seriously. This is a very good indicator.
http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm
You have a serious, serious, serious, alcohol problem. Your doctor may not grasp how serious it is. Get to an AA meeting, tell your story of these blackouts and find out from some real experts (alcoholics) what this is like and what people do under the influence when they have this problem.
"the guy bragged to my boyfriend's friends that more happened later"
Well, you don't know what happened. Accept that. You got blackout drunk, and you may have done more than anyone knows, even the other guy(s). That is the very definition of "blackout".
If you drink, ever again, keep in mind that far worse than you could imagine may happen. I'm not talking about rape, I'm talking about vehicular homicide, abusing a child, and other terrible things.
BTW, one of my friends has blackouts, at least she did when she was drinking till 3 years ago. She only knew what happened after others told her, and what was told her was pretty terrible. You are not alone, your body and brain cannot have alcohol at any level and be functional.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 November 2010):
 First, no name calling here. I am sure you are harder on yourself right now than any of us can be on you.
Secondly, and this is really big. Drinking doesn't turn people into something they're not. Drinking removes the inhibitions in us, revealing can hidden desires, the "dark side" of us, and bringing out hidden aspects an impurities like light does to a diamond. Drunk or no, the weakness in resisting other men's responses is still in you.
What your boyfriend is dealing with now is that he's most likely feeling like your love for him isn't enough to block out and be blind to all others. Someone who is truly in love thinks that the sun rises and sets on the one they love, and that all other guys are completely irrelavent. The one you love is a bottle of fresh spring water, and all other guys are filthy glasses of sewage to you.
Bottom line is...you broke your boyfriend's trust. The relationship is forever tainted, even if forgiveness is granted to you by him. It'll still be there, the wondering whether or not your weakness will send you into the arms of another guy. Wondering whether or not if he marries you and you have a child, if it's truly his.
You should focus on what it is besides drinking that makes you susceptible to responding to other men's advances no matter what the cost. Have there been second thoughts with this guy, or does your ego require men's attentions to boost your self-worth?
Those are things you must come to grips with. You can still get pregnant, cheat on your boyfriend or husband, and catch a disease in a drunken episode, and all consequences are permanent. Evaluate your risky behavior - all of it. Hopefully you'll be able to overcome this weakness and urge in you.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 You are making an effort to stop drinking so that is good and if I were in your boyfriend's position, I would see that as an effort, it is a good sign. In time I am sure he will forgive you.
As for that other man who started bragging to your boyfriend's friends, he better hope nothing more happened or else you could press charges against him for 'date rape' can you not?
All you can do now is let your boyfriend know that you still love him and that if he is willing to forgive you, you will not hurt him like this again. The odds are he will hesitate at first, perhaps for a day or a week even, but if he loves you, he will forgive you and give you another chance as long as you are trying.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, romany  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 Hiya, If you have told him what you've told us, then I would tell him you gonna leave him to sort his thoughts out.
He really does has alot to deal with and sort out, so i dont think it is gonna be a quick turnaround, he is hurt that this has happened, and that this has now happened twice, and that this guy you kissed has told his mates, so your boyfriend is gonna be sooo embarrassed, and feel he is being sniggered at, whether he believes you or not he is still gonna feel that he is the laughing stock, mix that with pain of broken trust, disbelief and de ja vu, he has alot of wounds of lick.
Give him space, work on yourself, prove that you are all the things he believed you to be.
Good Luck
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 Let us look at this from the perspective of your boyfriend, shall we?
Girlfriend gets drunk and kisses someone else. Someone Else claims it was more than kissing. There is no way for Boyfriend to verify Someone Else's story, but he may rightfully feel Girlfriend wouldn't tell him the whole story if she really had gone a little too far.
What is Boyfriend gonna do? Maybe he'll forgive you, since you were already near engagement. He might think you were sort of out on a last fling. Or, he might think that this is a very bad sign from a girl he is supposedly almost engaged to.
You have done all you can, it seems. Now you can just wait. And, if he should come back, make it your purpose not to drink again. This is the second time your drinking gets you in trouble with a man who claims this and that.
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A
female
reader, eternallyinfinite  +, writes (22 November 2010):
I think you're on the right track. If you feel that your drinking is creating problems (and it sounds like it is) then you should get help with it. I think realizing that you have a problem and making a honest effort to change it will show your boyfriend that you are truly sorry. If he still doesn't forgive you, then you've done the best you can, right? If I were in his position, I would have a very hard time forgiving you as well ...
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A
female
reader, pollywolly101 +, writes (22 November 2010):
It's great that you've started to give up alcohol! it never does any good. But I think the best thing to do would be to give him some space. It sounds like a lot has happened so he needs to clear his head before making a decision. I know how horrible it feels cheating on someone unintentionally, believe me! But, in the end, it's wrong and he'll be feeling betrayed and hurt. Until he comes to a decision, just let him know how sorry you are and that you love him and hope he can find it in his heart to forgive you, then let him be for a while so he can have some time and space to clear his mind. Hope everything works out ok :)
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A
female
reader, BunnyAce +, writes (22 November 2010):
 I am glad that you know that alcohol is not an excuse. That is what i was going to say originally, but I also wanted to add that someone who knows what they want in a relationship and is 100% committed would not put themselves in a position like this. If your boyfriend is not there, it is not respectful to get drunk. People that are drunk cannot be trusted, and i'm not just talking about you, i am talking about your friends that didn't have your back and the guy that obviously knew you were with someone but still gave into kissing you.
Trust is a big deal. I broke my bf's trust just by smoking ciggs and to this day he doesn't let me live it down. But the thing is, we are all human, we all make mistakes. Your bf is hurting right now and you are right to give him his space. But at the same time, i would email him, facebook him, write him a note, whatever works for you where you can get your feelings down. (a text would probably be less personal in my opinion). Nothing says that you truely care than going old fashioned and writing a letter, clear and concise about how you feel and how sorry you are. Drive it to him and leave it at his door/mailbox. Going out of your way to show him you would like to be heard but at the same time giving him his space is a big thing.
Write what comes from your heart and be honest. He knows you better than anyone, and if this was your first time messing up, i am sure he will forgive you...but forgeting is a different story. You must work hard to gain that trust back..but seems like ur on your way with deciding not to drink.
good luck
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (22 November 2010):
 Your boyfriend is probably trying to sort out his feelings right now. Obviously, he feels devasted that his girlfriend cheated on him... and he was also extremely humiliated when this other guy told his friends he had done much more than just kiss you.
I'm a little confused about something. If this happened this weekend, how were you able to make an appointment with a doctor to discuss your drinking problem? I'm not trying to say you are lying... I just don't know any doctors with weekend hours... so I'm a bit confused.
Anyhow... you need to let your boyfriend know that you are serious about getting some help for your drinking problem. This has happened 2 times now... the only way he can be sure it won't happen again is if you stop drinking. If you really want him to forgive you... you will need to be super nice to him, beg him to take you back, and make sure he realizes how much you regret what happened.
I hope you two can work through this problem together. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Racna1305 +, writes (22 November 2010):
 Lol as you stated I wont tell you my opinion on people drink and party it up like college frat brothers while in a relationship. Especially since you are one of the few who realize the problem. Most women especially do not because they feel its nothing but harmless fun. One thing I applaud you for is you didnt say anything along the lines of.."How can he be mad atleast i told him!!"Thats ignorant and childish to say the least...anyway I think you should give him some space and let him think but before doing so I think you should write him a sincere letter or text phone call apologizing and let him know you are in the wrong and will make changes. You wish to keep the relationship going. Give him some time to cool down. When you guys do talk, remember he is heartbroken and will prolly talk with anger. Dont get angry back stay calm, thing is its hard to stay angry with someone who keeps their cool. Dont let him disrespect you of course but stay calm and im sure he will calm down aswell. He will prolly blow some steam but you guys have history things may work out. Just know if they do you gotta work your trust back to what it was
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