A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:In short, I know a girl who I became friends with over the past year. But to be honest, being friends with her is not like being friends with one of my guy friends. We talk, or rather she does most of the talking. I find myself in a role of helping her out a lot. And she talks like a woman, you know: she just talks to talk, and not to get feedback necessarily, just to talk. It is like she needs to unload. And I am always paying for everything. She asks me to.The thing is, I find myself caring for her, but to put in all this time and energy and to hear her go off about guys she is involved with, and all that....it drives me nuts. ***I just don't wanna be friends with her if I can't be her boyfriend!!!****I know when I say that to myself it sounds selfish like all I am after is sex. But maybe you understand what I mean, it's just like I put in so much emotional energy and I remain single when I could be putting this emotional energy in elsewhere, finding a life partner. I have been distancing myself, not replying to her texts for a while, not calling her back right away. I feel like a scumbag, but I want out of this relationship unless it can a romantic one!Am I a selfish jerk???
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, comeonjesusthishurtstoomuch  +, writes (15 January 2011):
 no not a selfish jerk sounds like she is the one being selfish being used is no fun especially when you care for someone give her the old heave ho and don't get caught in her web ay
A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (10 January 2011):
 Well, as the point I'm trying to make. You're not going to be her pasty in this scenario I'm presenting you with. If my fiance had just cut contact with me, I would have said, "Fine. F*ck you," and moved on. But because he looked me dead in the eye and simply told me that it was either relationship or nothing, I had to make a choice to keep him in my life (even if we just saw how things went) or leave him alone completely. I finally realized that there was no harm in just trying things with him, and it ended up being everything I ever wanted in relationship. I was the one who called him after four days to ask if we could sit down and talk. I went to HIS place and we sat on his bed and I asked him out. I was now making all the effort. And I soon became so smitten that I was the one doing HIM all the favors. Buying gifts, making breakfast and coffee for him, paying for dates, etc. The roles had completely switched and I was head-over-heels because he showed me genuine "love" from someone, not just a sexual attraction, which was all I had ever gotten from guys. Just sit her down and give her a choice. Don't just tell her you like her (that just gets annoying), but let her know that you need to be away from her completely to get over her if you can't be with her romantically. Trust me on this one.
...............................
A
male
reader, cupid_1234 +, writes (9 January 2011):
 You are doing the right thing. Some beautiful girls feel its natural for them to be treated as queen as they get lot of attention from everyone. I understand its hard as deep inside you, you don't want to lose a beautiful and sweet girl and have hope that one day she will love you back. She is definitely using you else she wouldn't be asking you to pay for her.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the answers. To those who say I should tell her how I feel, well, it has been done. She has no interest.
She still wants to be my friend though. She sees me like a "brother" she says.
Thing is, why should not she want to see me, I pay for her, I listen to her, I don't make demands on her, and she is still free to go out and do whatever she wants. She is very beautiful so she can get away with it.
I have a hard time standing up for myself so walking away is hard. But it is like mentally I have reached a limit....I cannot help it but I can't return her texts right away anymore and I can't return her calls anymore. I have to wait because I don't want to be her patsy anymore. I hate it. I would hate it f somebody did that to me. But I just can't help it anymore...
Thanks for all your input.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dreamer1988 +, writes (9 January 2011):
 I would suggest you ask her out. If she is being your friend, she obviously likes you and has some feelings for you. So, you should ask her out and see what she says. If she doesn't want you, then you don't have to be her friend. Good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): No you are not a selfish jerk. If you want to be in a bf/gf relationship with her then there is no point being just friends with her. Rarely do you go from the "friend zone" to being her BF. It just doesn't happen. Don't waste your time. If you remain friends with her you will have to endure watching her going out with other guys and having her tell you all about their relationship. Its not worth it. Tell her that you are interested in her as a boyfriend and if all she offers is to be friends, smile and walk away.
...............................
A
female
reader, CONFUSED949 +, writes (9 January 2011):
 no your not a selfish jerk, if you care or love someone then you can't change you feelings. i know what your going through i understand. stand your ground.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (9 January 2011):
You need to explain this all to her in a way that doesn't make you sound selfish. After all, you do care for her, and it's not as though you don't want to be there for her at all, it's just that you don't want to put all your time and energy into something that's not giving you anything back. My fiance and I's relationship began this way.
We had only known each other for a few months, but he was absolutely taken with me, and wouldn't drop it. I'll admit that he was there for me through a lot, including my attempts and failures at meaningless relationships. He had told me over and over that we would be a good match, and that if nothing else it would be fun for a little while, but I refused to see past our friendship, and didn't want to lose him. Then one day, after going to see a movie and then out for coffee, he asked me out one last time. As always, we got into an argument about it. He finally told me that he couldn't be my friend anymore, and that he was cutting all contact with me so that he could get over me. I agreed, and was more than relieved to not have that pressure anymore.
About four days later, something clicked and I thought, "Why don't I just give it a try? I'll lose him regardless if we don't work out." That week we began dating. Within days we were "official". After two weeks we said "I love you", and not even a month into our relationship I lost my virginity to him. This month we'll have been together for two years, and we've been engaged for five months now. You see where I'm going with this...
You need to tell this girl that, while you treasure her friendship, you can't just sit by and ignore your feelings of wanting something more. Let her know not to contact you: no e-mails, texts, phone calls, etc. If she wants to give it a shot, something will trigger her, as she'll realize she does want you in her life. If she doesn't, then it will at least give you the chance to get over her and move on. Simply ignoring her isn't going to do you any good. I hope this helped, and good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, Sahara z  +, writes (9 January 2011):
Some girls just don't know what they have until they loose it (my own daughter 21 has an xx boyfriend who is always around they meet up for coffee every week, cinema etc and when people see them walking in the park they think they are an item again but maybe because of the past she is reluctant to throw herself in again and it is a shame because he was and still is Mr Perfect, everyone who meets him loves him. So it saddens my husband and I when she seems to have all the wrong men interested in her and she flirts with them and even tells this x all about her dates. It must upset him. He is very strong but too nice and I often feel she plays him because she can (she hinted to her sister,'shall i get back with him' but he doenst give the amont of attention that all the wrong types give so I think she isn't convinced that he is trying hard enouth and I can't help feeling that if he really put himself out and went all out to get back with her she would but I fear he is scared of rejection so stays in the friends zone hense giving her the impression he only wants to be friends) but in your case it sounds as though this girl has not been in a relationship with you so I think you have put yourself in the 'friends zone' which knowingly or unknowingly makes her see you as just that. Does she even know how you feel? Some girls go on and on about other guys to get a reaction, your reaction is always a friend so how can she know that you feel any different?
I think you need to go for it. Ask her out on a propper date, do something different, flirt with her, compliment her. When she starts her talking joke and say something like, 'no, no more i don't wanna hear it, all that talk about other men, you have perfect one right under your nose!'(while she is in shock kiss her!) It will take courage but if she is not keen at least if you give it a try you will know. Plus if she isn't interested then you can back off for a while. It may just give her some thinking space and time to miss you. Don't fret too much as you can always back tract and get friendly again by saying you'd rather be her friend than nothing at all but at least then you know where you stand and you can 'call the shots' so to speak and be a little more selective about how often you see her or help her out without losing her completely. If she knows how you feel she will start to look at you in a different light. Though that in itself might take a while for her to get used to. What is the alternative, stay silent and dream about the what ifs, while watching her with other guys?
Go for it, tell her how you feel.
...............................
A
male
reader, cupid_1234 +, writes (9 January 2011):
Selfish means excess care of oneself and disregard of others feelings. In your case, you have been giving a lot, both in emotional and financial respect and she is the one who is taking. You are emotionally attached to her and you want to be physically connected to her. You want to make her your life partner and take care of her. Its perfectly normal and healthy. You are in love. But don't fall in love, as its hard on the knees ;-). All the best.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): No, you're not selfish.
Did you ever tell her you don't mind listening to her problems?
Have you told her you want to date her?
At first you may have been more than willing to deal with her issues because you were hoping for a relationship, so perhaps you encouraged this pattern of behavior to some degree.
You may feel selfish or shallow because you think you are ditching her now that you are stuck in the "friend zone."
But, friends don't typically use each other as dumping stations for all their issues...even girlfriends. If she respects you at all, she would probably be more aware of what she's doing. I don't think she's consciously trying to play games, but she may keep coming back to you because she knows you like her, she likes the attention, and she's appreciates your jealousy.
If you tell her you need some space or that her problems are overwhelming to you, I don't think you are telling her "I don't value your friendship," but I think she should then be able to take the hint. If you stop being a "good listener" and perhaps be more critical of her, she may avoid you on her own because she's not getting her ego boosted everytime you two talk.
I just get the sense you may be encouraging her behavior because you are afraid of being seen as an asshole. But tolerating her in a patronizing way IS being an asshole. Be straight with her and tell her that listening to her issues is an overwhelming task. Tell her that given your feelings for her, it's really difficult and hurtful to have to hear this stuff and that you don't want to hear it anymore.
She might be angry, but if she is indeed your friend or she respects you at all she should understand.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 Do you just not like the way your friendship is (you paying for things and always having to listen to her rants) or are you actually in love with her and genuinely want her to be your girlfriend?
It's not selfish to want to be in a relationship with someone, but... you said it sounds like all you want is sex? A relationship isn't about sex... So no it didn't sound like that. But I wonder why you think that? Because if all you want is sex then find some girl who wants to have sex with you.. end of story.
...............................
A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (9 January 2011):
 No i dont think your selfish at all. i think your at a stage in your life were you have to think of yourself get your life going the way you want it to before putting everyone elses needs before your own. i think if you keep being a friend but not letting her rely on you so much it should ease things up and if it doesnt then tell her how you feel perhaps not the way you have stated on here but you get my drift. sometimes we have the strength to be the sort of friend our friends need but if they are not the same in return it can be come weightly dont feel so bad for wanting to get your life on track put her on the back burner and focus on yourself right now! hope this helps good luck aphex
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): No, you're not selfish, just unable to communicate.
Why don't you tell HER this?
...............................
A
female
reader, Plexi +, writes (9 January 2011):
 You are not selfish at all..........you know what you want and you are tired emotionally. I understand completely, I went through the same thing with my ex. Talk to her and explain all this to her like you did on here and don't just drop her like I dropped my ex because then she will turn you into the bad guy and make herself to be the victim. Any healthy friendship or relationship needs to be a 2 way street of give and take. If only one person is doing all the giving and the other person just takes and takes, then that person will eventually become emotionally fatigued and break down. How does she feel about you? Why are you 2 friends? Is she with you just because of the emotional and financial benefits or does she care for you as a person and a man as well? If she does then tell her you need her to start showing this.
Hope this helps a bit hun and wish you good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 Nope your not a jerk she's using you, and you shouldn't allow yourself to be used your paying for outings and dinners and what not with no reciprocation and she tells you to your face of guys she is seeing that should be a indication to grow a pair and move on mate women are like us males at times just because there is someone there doesn't mean they're a mind reader and can know the other party is wanting more than being a good friend unless they words are spoken and voiced on your true feelings at the same time she can see your good naturedness and is taking advantage of that.
...............................
|
