A
female
age
30-35,
*ustSmile2O1O
writes:Okay, Ive been dating a guy for about 2 months and I told him I would never cheat. But recently I was out with friends (1 girl and 2guys) one of the guys is an ex boyfriend. When we were leaving, i hugged him goodbye and I turned to kiss him on the cheek like I do with all my friends but he turned aswell and kissed me on the lips, I kissed him back then pulled away. I don't think I've cheated because it was one quick friendship kiss but I can't hide things from my boyfriend and I'm scared he'll class this as cheating. Please help me, I don't know what to do. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2010): Yes, its cheating not because of friendly kiss... but you went out with an ex boyfriend. That is cheating. What if he hung out with his ex all day, then kissed her? Would you feel he cheated on you? Kiss or no kiss, the fact that you're out with your ex is enough to qualify as cheating.
A
female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (1 May 2010):
 Actually, it's only you and how you feel about it that says if its cheating or not. Would you be posting a question here if let's say it was another guy friend or even a girl?Maybe there's a guilt feeling on your part as it was an ex and maybe you still have the littlest feelings for him. Otherwise, even if it was an ex but to you it doesn't mean anything, then it doesn't mean anything. Maybe it means something to you that's why the guilt is there. Your boyfriend will not find out but your guilt will lead him to find it out.I suggest you stop thinking about this over and over and pretend it didn't happen. You'll see, this will be nothing afterall. If you keep thinking its cheating, it's not cheating...the guilt that you have will make him notice and find it out.Pretend it never happened.
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male
reader, UncleDoug  +, writes (1 May 2010):
Dear JustSmile2010,
Your post raises some interesting issues, both expressly and tacitly, including but not limited to: (1) what is "cheating," (2) does accidental contact preclude you from cheating (that is, does your intent recharacterize your actions, or do your actions alone determine your trustworthiness (intent be damned), and (3) should a person look at the totality of the circumstances before labeling another as a cheater? First, does "[accidently] kissing [on the lips] an ex-boyfriend, with whom you are socializing in public along with several other people" constitute "cheating?" Under the instant circumstances, I do not believe any reasonable person, whether a current boyfriend or a current girlfriend, would define this type of social kiss as cheating. However, when it comes to matters of the heart not everyone is rational and logical. A sensitive and trusting couple will build a foundation based on trust and void of jealousy - which is an utterly negative and deleterious emotion. Total, open, and honest communication is the key. Time is an important factor in building the trust foundation, so I would recommend discussing the matter with your boyfriend as soon as possible. He may surprise you and dismiss the entire affair as unimportant, especially when you reveal your intentions at the time. The second relevant point is your intent at the time. You did NOT intend to kiss your ex on the lips; the kiss was a accidental convergence of movement.
On a different matter, the fact that you feel guilty, expressly stated that you "would never cheat" and that you "kissed him [your ex] back and then pulled away[,}" and now are afraid that your boyfriend will characterize this accidental kiss as cheating, belies a more fundamental problem in your current relationship and perhaps indicates that you have had some problems with fidelity in the past. No one enters a valid relationship with the intent to harm the other person, but we are human and sometimes things do happen. To mitigate your partner's pain, you can genuinely express your true feelings and the let the chips fall where they may.
Good Luck
UncleDoug
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female
reader, shortone1 +, writes (1 May 2010):
 personally i would have to put the situation in a different perspective if you saw a girl do that to your boyfriend an just imagine it happened would you say he was cheating.???
I know if i saw my husband get kissed by another women like that i would definently leave him. !!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2010): i think the 'switch places' is your best answer to your question. it always work with me :)
if he was the one kissed his ex girlfriend just like you and your boyfriend, what would you prefer him to do? tell you or hide it from you? you decide..
good luck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2010): I wouldn't classify it as 'cheating'.
I know you "kissed him back", but that was probably temptation, your conscience got the best of you and you pulled away.
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female
reader, samismiles +, writes (1 May 2010):
I'm afraid that is cheating. If your boyfriend was out with you on the night out would you have done it? No.
Have you told him about it? Hiding these things never helps, you'll either be racked with guilt for a long time, or you'll be racked with guilt till he finds out, why not just deal with it now. Explain the situation and how you have no feelings for this other person/ex but I'd think about how you feel first because that type of behaviour really isn't acceptable in a relationship, you have to think about how you'd feel if you're boyfriend "accidently" kissed one of his exes on a night out. It all depends on what your relationship boundaries are, but most couples share in these so basicaly whatever is unacceptable to him should be respected by you. I definitely think an apology is on order, it's unfair not to tell him what you did. The sooner you sort it the sooner you can move on as a stronger couple.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2010): i dont class it as cheating. It was meant to be a kiss on the cheek, not on the lips but u pulled back straight away. Id just keep that little secret to yourself. He doesnt need to know about an accidental kiss.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 May 2010):
 It would never cross my mind to koss on the lips anybody who were not my regular partner. It's an intimate and confidential gesture that normally you don't do with male friends, so while the episode is too minor to be classified as cheating, yes, I'd be annoyed if I were your boyfriend. Don't tell him about it because it was not such a dramatic mistake after all- but make sure you'll never do it again in future and learn to use with your male acquantances a body language that can't possibly generate any misunderstandings.
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female
reader, togtog +, writes (1 May 2010):
Would you have behaved in exactly the same way that you did if your boyfriend had been there, watching you?
Are you quite happy to tell your boyfriend what happened?
If not, then you are cheating.
Cheating means to decieve your boyfriend and to hide the truth from him, and that is what you are doing. You are hiding yourself from him and making it impossible for him to actually know you - which in turn means that he can never actually love you because he doesn't know you.
Is this the sort of relationship that you want?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2010): The odds that there were no feelings or intentions involved while it just happened to be your ex boyfriend are very slim, so yes, your boyfriend will at the very least, assume it was intentional, and probably be upset, being it was your ex. ..not the worst form of cheating you could do, whether it was intentional or not, but regardless, it happened, so in return the honorable thing to do would be to make sure your boyfriend gets the full honest explanation as to what happened, even if you claim it was accidental in anyway. Just giving your ex the chance to get that close by accident, while having a current boyfriend is an obvious big mistake. Even when it is taken as innocent to still be hanging around the exes like that, any present b/f will still have to either believe and understand you or not. So in the future just never let your ex get too close, because awkward and unnecessary situations like that are bound to evolve from it, even when a person could never dream of anything bad happening. If you are really sure within yourself that you didn't have any intentions of wrong doing and got nothing out of it but the feeling of an awkward guilt afterward, and you know that because of that, it wouldn't then matter if he knew anything, then I would say just move on and don't chance ruining your relationship, but if you really feel you'll spill the beans one day in the future, then just tell him now, and it'll be a heck of alot better, at least to get it out of your system. If you are being honest in that it was a fast turn with no emotion and just happened as an honest misjudgement, then who cares,...that has happened to me before, and for a really funny example, I just saw one on tv last month where two 'brothers' at a celebration party happened to turn and plant big ones on each other..if it's anything like that, it could happen to anyone with no notice, and is completely fluke. I'll let you be the judge of how innocent it was, and take the proper path from there. Remember it's best to be honest with yourself AND your b/f, innocent or not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2010): i agree with midge answer iv kissed people on the cheek and they have turned round at same time and its not cheating it a accedent and even some on friend i give a peck on the lips to say bye and thats just friendly if its a full on snog then its cheating and i wouldnt worrying about it much.
And if i was you id only tell your boyfriend if you think he will defently find out on his own if not i wouldnt tell him cuz it will just make trouble if he gets mad and stuff.
and whats the point in that if it didnt mean anything ??
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2010): Lol you kissed him back...ofc it's cheating.
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male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (1 May 2010):
If there was a toung involved it wasn't a friendship kiss and if you returned it then yes it can fairly be classed as cheating by him. Don't belittle him make small of this. Ask yourself this. If he did exactly what you did that night with another girl how would you class it and go from there.
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female
reader, JustSmile2O1O +, writes (1 May 2010):
JustSmile2O1O is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Midge for ur answer, it was only a peck.. I myself wouldn't class it as cheating but I am scared to tell him. I know I need to tell the truth. Thanks CaringGuy for your answer; I totally understand what you mean if it was him and his ex but it really was a big mistake and I feel so guilty. I know I need to tell him the truth but I am so scared of what he'll do to me. I don't want to ever see the ex again due to this, though we spilt 2years ago and have been friends since, this has only happened once before with this ex but I was single at the time so I didn't stress over it. Any ideas how I can make this up to my boyfriend?
Thanks again to all that answered.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 May 2010):
Yes it was. You kissed him on the lips, then pulled back. That's cheating. You know very well that if your boyfriend had kissed his ex like that, you would classify it as cheating and you'd be very angry. Fair enough, he did kiss you and you only meant for it to be a kiss on the cheek. But when you kissed him back, you cheated. Now I would really suggest that you don't kiss this ex again at all. If you can't be trusted not to kiss him, then don't see him. You are right, if your boyfriend finds out he will class it as cheating, because it was. So don't do it again, and if you think he will find out, then tell him now and hope he will be forgiving.
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female
reader, Midge +, writes (1 May 2010):
 So long as there was nothing in it, and it was just a quick friendship kiss, thats not cheating. I mean, my boyfriend has friends that are girls and thats happened before where they have turned at the same time, in error, and its a kiss on the lips. So what......there wasnt anything in it!
If on the other hand, it was a full on kiss, and there was something in it, I can totally see that as a form of cheating, although you havent cheated.
Honestly I wouldnt panic about it! If your boyfriend trusts you, he too will see that as an error and there being no substance to it.
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