A
male
age
51-59,
*uman_male
writes:Hi. So I asked someone out and we had dinner and I payed, which I was happy to do. I've asked her out again for a coffee and she said yes. The thing is I just can't afford to pay for her every time we go out. I don't know if she'll be expecting me to pay or what. What's the best way to let her know? When we meet for coffee and we order do I just order mine? Or do I tell her that although I'd like to I can't pay for her?Thanks. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, human_male +, writes (2 August 2012):
human_male is verified as being by the original poster of the question Turns out it didn't matter in the end, she cancelled at the last minute and I haven't heard from her since.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 July 2012):
 I don't think you should offer to pay the next few times if that's not something you want to keep doing. Women aren't mind readers any more than men are you know. If you continuously offer to pay then she will think you WANT to pay. Some men do feel that way about it, they feel emasculated if the woman wants to pay her share, or heavens forbid it if she offers to pay for them both!
How is your date going to be able to know what it is you want if you aren't making it clear? She might think she'll offend you if she offers to pay, unless you give her the opportunities to do so. So don't offer to pay. Just leave it hanging in the open and see if she grabs the opportunity. If she doesn't, and you feel uncomfortable about paying, just ask her if she can pay her own half next time you go out (you should probably make this clear before the date, not after).
Or take her somewhere where you pay up front at the same time as you get your orders. That way you'll see right away if she wants to pay for herself.
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A
male
reader, human_male +, writes (28 July 2012):
human_male is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm over thinking it, I always do that. I'll try to relax a bit. I don't mind paying for coffee, I was just worried I'd get into the situation where she expects me to pay every time. And some have you have said no she won't do that, and some have said yes she will.
I will offer to pay for the next few times and try to keep it low cost, I've no problem with that, and see how it goes from there.
Anonymous, I'm really glad not all women are like you. And if you're going to say something shitty at least have the guts to post under your actual name.
Thanks again everyone.
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A
female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (27 July 2012):
 Yes, she'll be expecting you to pay because you asked her out. Buy her coffee and a slice of cake - you cant be that broke! Then dont ask her out again to places you cant afford. If she asks you out for dinner, saying i'd love to but im a bit short for cash at the moment. She should get the jist.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2012): Damn! If you cant afford a couple of meals and a coffee, perhaps you shouldn't date?!
I mean, if a man told me that, I would have dumped him and find someone who can afford basic things like coffee.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 July 2012):
 Have a plan for when you meet her at home, picnic, whatever, and another for when you go out and have to pay.
Only go out if you can pay.
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A
female
reader, cute angel  +, writes (26 July 2012):
 Hey telling her directly to pay would look a little rude,how about u start texting,talk casually and then say something like'I would love to take you out to a nice restaurant and I am sure I can do it,but now is not the time,so I hope you understand'..but we could go for long walks instead..I hope you would be okay with that..
If I were her I would totally understand and be happy that the guy was honest with me,rather than finding out later that he was broke but compelled to take me out!
Best of luck x
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (26 July 2012):
 You've only been out with her once before, right? In all likelihood, she will offer to pay for the coffee or at least go halves. It's really uncommon for women to expect the man to pay for everything in this day and age. Personally, I prefer to split the bill but I'll let a guy pay if he insists (some men positively want to pay all the time, which makes me quite uncomfortable).
I wouldn't worry about it too much at this stage, but as others have advised, after the coffee date you could suggest something that involves no money at all. Unless she has the impression that you're rich, or if she is a stingy person, I really doubt she will expect you to pay for all future dates.
Enjoy the coffee date and don't worry too much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2012): You've payed for one meal, and how much is coffee? It can't be that expensive. I think you're worry over nothing at this stage.
To avoid the awkward situation, next time instead of going out and paying for expensive meals, why not suggest you buy a bottle of wine, cook a meal at home and watch a DVD. It doesn't have to be anything too special or expensive, its the thought that counts and if she is a genuine person and not money orientated, then she will see it this way too.
How do you know she won't pick up on your financial situation and offer to pay in turns? She could surprise you, you never know.
Just take things as they come and try not to predict the future.
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17  +, writes (26 July 2012):
I would not ask her to pay half directly. It would be a huge turnoff.
But I would drop a hint like "I've been spending so much (in general) " and then ask her on a picnic or a free event. If she likes you she will get the hint. Personally when I like a guy, I feel bad if he's dropping $150 for dinner on a Tuesday - if we are moving towards relationship mode.
See how she reacts when you plan a "free" date (like a walk in the park) and how she responds to general money comments.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (26 July 2012):
If you've been paying all this time then she will expect you to pay again, no doubt. But just tell her beforehand that you'd like to go out again, and then before you order anything ask her if she wouldn't mind splitting the bill.
I have to ask though, if you've seen her several times already and you both like each other, maybe it is time to start talking about taking things to the next level? Perhaps instead of asking her out, you could ask her home and cook her a meal there, or just make her a cup of coffee at home? It's cheaper, and it'll move things to the next level. You could also ask her to join you at an activity rather than always eating or drinking.
But, if she hasn't even offered to pay herself I'd wonder if she's just a gold digger. Try to talk about where your relationship is going next time you see her.
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (26 July 2012):
 This should not be a problem nowadays, in the bright new era of equality; she should step in and take charge, open her purse and pay for everything - just like men always used to in the bad old days.
Or do fish really need bicycles, after all?
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (26 July 2012):
 I don't think you will know if she is prepared to split the bill until you have taken her out 3 or 4 times.
Most women let a man pay the first couple of times because they might offend him by suggesting to share the bill, but usually by the third or fourth date, if she a decent woman, she will begin to offer to pay her share and then you can agree at this point.
Some women might think you are a little mean if you make it such a big issue so soon in the dating stage because talking about money kinda kills the romantic buzz, so I think if you like her, pay for the first three times, if she doesn't then give you the nod that shes opening her purse then maybe she isn't for you, you can then explain that you can't really afford to pay everytime.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (26 July 2012):
 If you don't have any money to pay her way, you need to make dates that won't cost you any money, like going hiking, to the park or the beach. Then when you do have money to pay for more dressy dates, you can invite her to those.Once you two have been dating for a while, you can also invite her over to your place and cook for her. I suggest not offering that until you two have been dating for a few weeks though...if you ask her over to your place too early, she may think you're just trying to get her to have sex with you."Cash Free" dates can be super fun. One of the most memorable dates I have ever been on was when a guy invited me to go hiking with him in a really nice park. After that we sat on a bench and talked for a long time, then flew a kite together. It cost neither one of us any money, but we both had a blast.You just need to be creative. It'll be okay. ^_^
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A
female
reader, sammi star +, writes (26 July 2012):
 I think chances are she'll offer to go halves with you anyway and you'll have been worried over nothing. Most women don't expect or want men to pay for everything, we like to pay our own way! Pay for her this time (it's only a coffee after all!) and then next time either think of something free or very cheap to do or just ask her if she has any ideas as you're a bit short of money at the moment. That way you're not asking her to pay anything but she'll get the hint that you can't afford it everytime.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (26 July 2012):
 Hi
Suggest you go for a picnic instead, tell her to bring the drink and you'll do the food. Then while your sat there explain your not able to go out much as finance is tight.
As it sounds like a new woman she can take it or leave it,or work out cheap dates with you.
Just ordering one coffee is NOT the way to endear her to you and if you cant even afford 2 coffees you shouldnt have asked her out for that.A walk and an ice cream is cheaper.
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A
female
reader, agonyauntsanonymous +, writes (26 July 2012):
Well if you are able to pay for her this time, i would because you asked her out. But next time you want to go out ask her if you could split lunch. You could also do things like cook at eachothers houses. Nothing totally elaborate, but it would be a nice thing to do together. I hope that works out but just let her know b4 you go out.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (26 July 2012):
I think the best way to let her know is simply to tell her. Now, I think I see the real problem with "just telling her": she might misunderstand it and think you just want her to pay.
I think the way out of this is to tell her you can't go out because you don't have money at the time. She will say "Hey, let's go out, I will pay", but then you'll have to refuse and that will show what your problem is.
My opinion only.
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