A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am not really seeking advice, just wanted to get things off my chest. Any comments however will be taken into consideration and welcomed.I am very much in love with a man, well at this point I am not sure what it is anymore. I wish I could just walk away from him and try to somehow set my life back on track.Tomorrow I am schedule to get a surgical abortion. At this point I am not sure if I am doing it, for myself or if I am doing it for him. He does not want the baby. If I have it our 4 relationship will end. If I go through with the abortion, he say he will be there with me in spirit, not in person, because he can't make time to go with me. So that means I have to take a taxi home.I know it's stupid , because I am a 35 year old female capable of making my own decisions, he is a 39 year old male that knows what words to say when the time is right. Can this be loved or I just live in a fantasy world that I have created for myself. I know I can do better than him, but every time I try to walk away , he seems to say the right words.I just hope that I don't end up hating him for feeling being pressured by him to get an abortion.If you really love and care for someone like he says he cares for me. Shouldn't he want to be there for me supporting me? not telling me to take care of the bill that he will help me with money later and how much do I expect from him as far as the bill goes, do I want him to pay it all or I am going to help him, because he is spending a lot this week already, because he is having a super bowl party for him and his friends.Thank you for reading and I hope God will forgive me for the wrong I am about to do
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): Don't go with abortion you should keep the baby because your 35 and tests show that it's very hard for a womans body to concieve a child after the age of 29
so having this baby may be your last chance and leave that son of a bitch and get full custudy of your child that way you'll never have to see that son of a bitch ever again and go to counciling they'll help you through all this just consider what I've said
-Jorden .Corrina .S
A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (2 February 2011):
 Don't do it but let reality hit you now the 'man' your with is worthless is probably the type to be trying to dodge child support as well since his caring enough to get you pregnant(at 35-39 I assumed we all had the common sense to wear a condom if we didnt want children) yet minute you are pregnant he wants you to abort a life and not be there to give support during the process in his eyes your just a tramp thats a cold self centered individual if ever ive heard keep the child you aren't ready but at same time ditch the pathetic excuse of a man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): No abortion, you're not ready to have one. Cancel the appointment and go seek pregnancy counseling (yeah it exists).
I'm not sure what the US version is but Ireland has an unplanned parenthood group (cura) that offers counseling and advice, go seek help first, he's obviously no use to you.
You know the only good thing I can see happening from this abortion is you learning to resent him and finally leave him because it seems to me he's no good. It seems to me that subconsciously that's pretty much the only reason you're going ahead with this because as you said this is NOT what you want to do and as you said you're 35 and not a fool. You see this baby would be a life long connection to him and deep down you know in your heart you really don't want to have him in your life anymore, in fact you hope beyond hope that you can find the strength to walk away from him.
I don't know what to say to you OP, on the one hand I think you're choice should be based on what you want and not him. He's a guy and like me has no say in whether you keep the baby or not. His part in the decision ended when he came inside you. You're body your choice.
Now the biggest problem is that this baby would be a lifelong connection to a guy you don't want to be with deep down. The abortion will make you hate him passionately you know this and I feel that the only reason you're kind of okay with it is because you want this to give you strength to leave him. You have to make sure you can live with that though. You sound like the kind of person that won't.
So on the one hand you keep the baby he'll always be around, you abort the baby and your seething hatred will give you to the power to walk away finally.
A better solution would be to go and seek counseling, go get advice. This is your child and I have a feeling you want to keep it, if that is the case and you're only doing it to save a toxic, failed relationship then you will forever regret it, you will for the rest of your life feel like you have killed your own child. Make no mistake OP, abortion is tough on girls that truly know they want it, but when you don't want one, that's something most women don't get over.
Go get help, and don't talk to him any further about this, his sweet talk is too powerful to you and you can't resist it.
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A
female
reader, crummyscreenname  +, writes (2 February 2011):
Leave him. He's an ass and a waste of your time. You don't need to put up with that garbage. You deserve better. And don't pay attention to all of the lovely things that he "says" when you're about to leave. Some gus know what suckers women are for sweet words and they know how to spin them. Let me lay it down for you. Men will say anything if it'll get them what they want. And it's probably a lot more comfortable for him right now having you around to cater to his whims (and you probably give him sex whenever he wants it and try to make it good for him, right?).
Let me say it again. DUMP HIM.
As for the abortion, I don't know whether you should have the baby or not. I do know that keeping the baby will not make your relationship better, it will not make him treat you right, and it will not turn him into the sweet kind caring wonderful fatherly loving tender man that i'm sure you know he can be, so if you have any happy images of you having the baby and the three of you becoming one big happy family- not likely. more likely is, at best, years of resentment, anger, and a shitty loveless household- no way to raise a kid.
on the other hand, if you truly feel that you can't bear to have the abortion- don't. Having the abortion because he told you to won't make him love or treat you respectfully either, it will just reaffirm his notion that you're a doormat he can walk all over
One last word- if you do get the abortion, MAKE HIM PAY FOR IT. stand your ground. if all else fails tell him that you won't do it if he wont pay. It's the least he can do, especially if he cant even be bothered to go with you.
oh, yeah
LEAVE HIM.
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A
male
reader, jacktheripperr +, writes (2 February 2011):
wow..first off don't go on with the abortion. keep it cause i know you really want to keep this baby. plus im not religious at all. i don't think abortions a bad idea if your not ready. Your age shows between 30 - 35. You know how hard it is to conceive at that age especially if you get an abortion now? possibilities you won't be able to get pregnant later. its really sad..me and my fiance been trying for almost the past year and shes 34. It's really sad and frustrating knowing we both want a child but can't when other people who just hook up once are able to. So don't throw something like that away. Plus the guy your with is able to make a baby but isn't man enough to raise one. He seems selfish planning for the super bowl while your heading to get an abortion alone. Are you serious? How can you even be with him. Trust me on this. Do what you think is right and what you want.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (2 February 2011):
 He says he'll be there "in spirit", but can't go to the effort to be with you. Money is tight because he's hosting a football party. My, my. I know there are some pretty cold folk out there, but this guy is something else.
I suppose it is possible to spend 39 years on this planet and not understand that this has to be incredibly traumatic for you. Perhaps he's getting his understanding of life from sit-coms, for example. More likely he's completely self-centred (and a lot of other adjectives I could throw out as well).
Personally I don't think a quality man could behave this way (and I use the term 'man' generously). He's shown you his true colours. Is this really someone you want to spend any more of your precious time and emotional energy on?
"I wish I could just walk away from him and try to somehow set my life back on track." This will sound simplistic and perhaps harsh, but Why Not? Now that you know just what sort of person you're dealing with, what's stopping you from walking away?
The abortion is your call. Only you can decide if you're equipped to raise a child on your own. But if you really feel you're doing it for him and not yourself, then, with respect, I have to think you'll regret it. You'll come to resent him for it. And, honestly, a guy who treats you like this isn't going to be there for long -- certainly he won't stick around if you ever decided to be true to yourself in a way that's inconvenient for him.
If there is someone else in your life whose judgment you value, please speak to them before you go any further. You owe it to yourself to get some impartial advice from someone you trust.
Please accept my best wishes, whatever happens tomorrow and in the days ahead.
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A
female
reader, babu3u +, writes (2 February 2011):
 If a man is going to leave you because you decide to keep your baby, this means this man doesn't love you. If he loved you, even if he did't want the responsibility of having the baby he would support your decision.
In reality this is YOUR decision. He is not the one having this baby, YOU are.
You are the one that will always have this guilt not him. I hope you make the right decision for yourself and not for this man who cant even go to the clinic with you when you need him the most.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (2 February 2011):
 He can't be bothered to hold your hand while your having this surgery. This aint prince charming, this is the frog.
If you have the baby, he'll dump you...don't wait, dump him as soon as you get home.
Good guys don't act like this. They hurt when we cry and they don't threaten, and they don't leave us pregnant and alone.
Think carefully about what YOU want. If you have an abortion just to keep some worthless, uncaring man, you hate yourself for life.
DO YOU WANT A BABY OR NOT? You can change your mind right up until the last minute. Adoption or having the baby might suit you better, or maybe not, it's your choice.
(Bastards too cheep to pay for an abortion and too cheap to buy a bloody condom)
DUMP HIM
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (2 February 2011):
 Well you found yourself a winner...
1. He is pressuring you to get this abortion. When a man loves a woman he does not stress her like this. He does not govern selfishly, but by what is best for her.
2. He has been with you for four years and does not want a child. Very curious - why? Is it that he doesn't think you're the one and is dragging you along. Before you know it you'll be 40 and without any children and a guy that dumps you for a younger woman because suddenly he has the revelation that he indeed does want children!
3. He is directly/indirectly telling you/making you feel that he will not want to continue in the relationship if you keep the child. How pernicious! What a vile thing to do. How does not love you if this is the ultimatum he has given you.
4. You're on your own doing this - you go to the clinic, you pay for it, you get it done. No guilt on him right? What a selfish unloving ass! Again, he is not treating you with love. This is not love, this is some twisted man who is treating you no better than a stranger. No matter what he has to do, he should be there with you.
You know, the love of your life will be that child you are carrying. Not this man. That child could potentially be the only child you will ever have. You're in you 30's, you never know. I wouldn't sacrifice something so important for this man. He simply is not worth it. Surround yourself with family and friends who are good to you.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (2 February 2011):
 Oh my, this is such a sad situation. I don't want to say too much about your boyfriend, but I think you know where his values and priorities lie. Actions speak louder than words my dear. Your intuition is correct. He is not acting like someone that loves you.
I have a feeling the relationship will be over no matter what you decide to do about the baby. You have spent four years with a man that has shown, through his actions, he is not committed to your relationship. If you have an abortion you will let him off the hook financially. If you were to have the baby, yes, he has said he will leave the relationship, but he will still be responsible to your for child support. I think that is his main concern and the reason he told you he would continue with you only if you had an abortion. This is so very sad.
You are 35. Pregnancy after 35 is very difficult. How do you feel about being a mother? If you do not have the means to support a child, have you thought about giving it up to a childless couple? There are options to abortion. Especially if you are not comfortable with the idea. This is a decision you will have to live with for the rest of your life. Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, dont wanna say +, writes (2 February 2011):
 Well, I have a boyfirnd problem like that. Well, i mean the part when you walk away and he says the right words to make you come back but not the part about the abortion. Well girl... I think you should dump him. I mean, he should listen to you and understand your feelings and depend on them girl!He shouldn't be treating you like this! So, straight up tell him you wanna keep the baby and if he don't want it thats his problem, not yours! Sorry you gotta go through this girl, i feel for ya! So, say how it goes! Hope it goes well!
~Lexi
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A
male
reader, df30 +, writes (2 February 2011):
Please don't go through with it! I'm not saying that from a strict religous standpoint.. don't put yourself through it. I have never heard a "i'm happy that I got an abortion story". I have a 6 month old son with the woman I love, I'm 22. She talked about abortion when she found out she was pregnant, she thought I would leave if we had a child, she didn't know how she could go to school. Literally the decision was in my hands. I had the choice to end my son's life before it began, no pressure there right? My parents being strong christians who alwasy spoke against abortion weren't sure she was right for me, my dad didnt want me to go through a split up and child support and a broken heart like he once did, I had to make the decision with pressures coming from everywhere.I prayed to God that night and for some reason I just knew it wasn't right for me, who was stopping from living? I talked to my dad the next day alone, He hasn't gotten to see his daughter in 23 years (due to the crazy ex- inlaws)I asked him dad"If you could have stopped her from living and avoided all the heart break and sleepless nights you went through would you have gone through with?"He smiled and said "no"So I decided against it, me and the mom are still together and have only grown closer. I love my son more than I thought it was possible to love anything, it wasn't planned I wasn't ready, but I can't be happier, I love my family. I would DIE for them.I would KILL anyone who tried to harm them.Thank God I chose my son.That was my story,yours may be different, don't let a man tell you what you can or can't do. I think you already know the choice you need to make. I don't want to tell you how to live your life but please do live YOUR life, You get one shot at it. This is Your child, if he doesn't want to be in the picture then I guess there couldn't be a better example of how actions speak louder than words. He SHOULD respect your feelings and step up for what you both have created. Either way the best of luck to you. I hope that this reaches you in time.
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