A
male
age
30-35,
*hostChild
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for over a year now in a long distance relationship. There's about a 700km distance between us but we still manage to see each other nearly every month. Ever since we started going out, she's brought up engagement and marriage a lot. I know that it's always been her dream to get married and start a family young, but that's not something that I want, at least not yet in this stage of my life.We even broke up briefly at the start of 2010 for about two-three months because she had offered me the ultimatum of promising to propose to her before she's 21 (she'll be 21 this year) or else we might as well "break up then and there." So I broke up with her since I didn't feel it fair to continue the relationship.But after a couple of months, we agreed to meet up as friends, but we had a long talk and decided to give a relationship another go, on the basis that she promised me we would take things slow.But of course, after about two or three weeks of being back together, she started talking about engagement rings again.Late last year, she told me that she wanted to be moved in together by March, and she wanted us to be engaged by no later than April. She doesn't work and I only work part-time in a small retail store so neither of us are equipped financially to move interstate yet.But she's still adamant that we get engaged, regardless of if we're living together or not. She's spent several nights on the phone, crying to me about how getting married is all she's ever wanted and how she wants to do something great to show to her family and friends. And she wants that to either be her getting engaged, or her travelling overseas.Valentine's Day is coming up soon, and we've made plans to go away and spend it in a nice hotel and have a nice dinner, be all coupley etc.But she has said that she wants me to propose that day because she's sick of waiting, and if I don't propose then she's going to leave me and start looking into travelling and/ or studying.I made a bad choice and said that I'd propose, I don't even know why I said I would. I think I said it just to calm her down as she was crying and panicking at the time. But now the date is looming closer, and I'm realising that I'm really not ready for it. I feel very much like I'm being forced into this. Marriage isn't something that I think should be rushed, and I don't see myself doing it for at least another 8-10 years yet. However, I do love her and care about her. I don't want to lose her, as I do actually see us moving in this year sometime. But I don't know how to tell her that I'm not ready for engagement, at least without her panicking and/or breaking up with me. I want us to have a great Valentine's Day, but I don't know how to make her understand that I still want to be with her, I just don't want to get engaged yet. Any help would be very much appreciated
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male
reader, GhostChild +, writes (9 February 2011):
GhostChild is verified as being by the original poster of the question Just an update, I spoke to my girlfriend tonight about the situation. There were some tears, and it was a difficult conversation. But once I started talking it all just came out.She was definitely upset by it, and said that she felt hurt that I would completely rule out the idea of proposing. I told her that she had put me under a lot of pressure and I'd felt kind of forced into proposing this weekend.After talking, I said to her that I wouldn't rule it out completely, but at the same time, I can't promise that it will happen. She said she wouldn't pressure me any more, and if I propose then great, and if I don't then she understands.She still wants me too though, and she's basically said that she'd like it if we've made progress in our relationship by April (we're going to a concert together then). We're still talking it through, and I can tell she's disappointed and it has hurt her, but I'm glad that I said it. It wasn't easy, but the right thing is usually the hardest thing to do.Thankyou again to everyone who replied! It's much appreciated!
A
male
reader, GhostChild +, writes (2 February 2011):
GhostChild is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone for replying, it's very much appreciated. My stomach has been in knots for ages about this, I don't quite know how to bring it up to her. But I've decided that this weekend, I'll call her and tell her that I love her, want to be with her, but that I'm not prepared to propose on Valentine's Day. I'll still give her an amazing trip, take her everywhere, doing everything for her.
I have a feeling her threatening to break it off is just an empty threat... she's threatened to break up with me countless times before over minor things but she never follows through. It'll be an ugly conversation, and she'll cry, but I'd rather tell the truth and be single, than lie to her and get married just to please her.
@golddigger99 - Actually, we already have promise rings haha. I gave one to her a few months ago. I didn't tell her when I would propose when I gave it to her, I've always had proposal in mind for us, but nowhere near this soon. I was thinking when we were living together and a few years older, but not when we're barely into our 20's with no money or prospects.
Thankyou again to everyone that replied, you've all been so helpful, I know what to do now :) Thankyou!
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A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (2 February 2011):
OP I can see that your gf has put you under a LOT of pressure over this issue.
I think she doesn't really appreciate or understand the value and meaning of marriage. If she is equating getting engaged with going abroad then it seems to me that she wants nothing else than to do something that makes her look good. From what you have said, this engagement doesn't seem to have anything to do with you, in the sense that it is all about what SHE wants, when SHE wants it. You just seem to be there to facilitate things. I don't mean to sound nasty, but it appears that she just has her own goals to fulfil, regardless of how you feel. This is no basis whatsoever on which to get engaged, and of course you know this already.
You also seem to be far more realistic than her as regards moving in with each other, as she seemingly doesn't have a concept of cost and paying for things if she wants to move in with you yet doesn't have a job. This is not a good sign either. She seems a bit immature to me from what you have said.
Your thoughts seem to be clear and rational over this engagement issue, and you mustn't lose sight of what you want just because she starts crying and panicking. Everything you have said makes sense. The fact that she is giving you an ultimatum to indicates quite how selfish she actually is. I know you don't want to lose her but using an ultimatum to get a proposal is simply emotionally manipulating you. Don't be a victim of this. It is nasty behaviour and shows an unpleasant character trait which is clearly present.
OP I know you want to have a good valentine's day, but you know that she is simply waiting for you to pop the question. I think you should tell her that you have no intention of proposing before the two of you go away, so that her hopes don't get built up any more than they already are. I know it's not going to be a nice conversation but you need to be honest with her. She may then chose not to go away with you, who knows. But after you have promised a proposal I think you are better to cancel that sooner rather than later. If she decides to leave you well, sad though that would be, it says far more about her than it does about you. Getting engaged shouldn't be the result of emotional blackmail.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, faenon +, writes (2 February 2011):
 To be honest you know where and when you'd rather settle down her goal is self centered you said she said over the phone how she wants to do something great to show to her family and friends all this marriage to her is about proving a point to family and putting a notch on her belt in front of her friends she isn't ready for marriage herself from her own statement she is still immature and it sounds more like its a one up and competition with one of her girlfriends by sounds of things.
Lay a ultimatum on her tell her you love her and care for her tell her if she wishes to study to study now Valentines Days is a day I don't support or follow far too amercanised and focus on material objects for my liking. Tell her you'd prefer to wait until your both at least 25/26 to get engaged (if you last that long with her unrealistic ideals) another thing you said you would out of pressure so you need to man up and be honest with yourself do you see yourself marrying this lass and growing old with her or not too if you dont see yourself wanting to settle down with her then you need to just say no and let the ties be cut.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): im on your side with this, your young and your thoughts about being to young to be married are right.
shes pressuring you into this, dont let her, it doesnt mean you dont love her if you say to her your really just not ready to be married. i think that she really should understand this.
marrige is a big step foward in any relationship whether or not you have been with eachother for a year or 20.
its a really big thing.you have to be ready for it.
explain to her that you are really looking looking foward to valentines day and you are excited about moving in with her later in the year but you dont need to be married to enjoy the time you have with her.
ok so you said you would propose to her that day, well your not ready so maybe try sitting her down and explaining that although you do hope to get married down the line its not now.
if she says that shes leaving you then im afraid thats her decision, but aleast you didnt do anything you wernt ready for. i really hope this works out for you both!!!
travelling and studying is a good idea for though, maybe it would take her mind off the whole marrige thing.
as for having something nice to tell her family, she could always say she has found a really nice guy that in the future she hopes to get married to.
i really hope this has helped!
all the best.
xxx
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A
female
reader, Denizli  +, writes (2 February 2011):
 I don't think marriage can be seen as 'something to show to her friends & family'. Marriage is the biggest commitment you can have to someone, it's just probably one of the most important decisions you'll ever make so you just can't propose someone cause it's their biggest dream in life if you're not ready and sure about it. It's crazy. You should talk to her maybe before valentines day, tell her how you feel, tell her you love her but you just don't feel it's the right time yet. Tell her things like you think she deserves a fancy wedding and you'd like to make it happen and you just can't afford it now. If she loves you, she'll understand. Maybe living tomorrow before marriage could help both of you to at least have an idea about how a marriage works. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, babu3u  +, writes (2 February 2011):
 This girl sounds very desperate and selfish. All she is thinking about is marriage and not how this makes you feel. I believe that when you are both ready to be married then you'll get married.
You have to be honest with her and tell her how you feel.
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A
female
reader, golddigger99 +, writes (2 February 2011):
 If you can see yourself being together in the future, then try giving her a PROMISE RING. A promise ring symbolizes your final committment to her before an engagement. It's also a huge step, or at least it is in the US, although it is loosing tradition.
My husband is a few years older than I am, and it just so happens that he was ready to get married before I was. We spoke about it, and for Christmas one year, instead of showing up with an engagement ring, he gave me a promise ring, which was so sweet! 2 years after the promise ring, came the engagement ring, and 2 years after that, we were married!
If you're not ready to take the Promise Ring step, then tell her she needs to get a job and help you save for the apartment you will need, the vehicle, the insurance, gas, upcoming bills, and the wedding, and this should get her off your back!
Good Luck!
Oh...and a promise ring shouldn't have diamonds--this will give her the wrong idea. Try going for something plain and simple, a band of some sort.
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