A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I posted a question earlier about a relationship with an older man who is married with children. I thought he was flirting with me and it turns out he was.We met to talk about the project we're both involved in and he drove me home (again!). I finally asked the question, ”What is the deal here, with this relationship? what do you want from me?” To this he replied,” I am attracted to, as it think you are to me." we ended up talking in his car, and 20 min. later he kissed me. We were in the car were for a little over an hour, and by the end, my dress was half off and around my waist and I had given him blow job. We agreed to meet again at some point during the week, and parted ways.It will escalate to sex, I have no doubt. My morals told me that I shouldn't do anything with a married man, but my feelings betray me; I told him as much. however after doing so, he still kissed me. Just for reference he kissed me first. how do I handle this? I am attracted to him, and I do want him, if only for fun. However, I am scared of but I think he'll will do anything to me, there's too much at stake, but just getting too involved. How are you supposed to keep anything secret? How can it work?This is happening like it or not, so if you're going to try and dissuade me, please don't comment. I am looking for something that will help this work. Thank you so much for your feedback.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (6 June 2012):
To help this "work," you need to come to terms with the fact that at some point you will realize -
1 - He is a cheater and will always be a cheater
2 - You are nothing more than slam-piece to him and have encouraged and allowed that to be the case.
3 - Someone will do to you with someone you love like you are doing to his wife. Things do tend to come around.
If those things are fine to you, then I really dont need to coach you on how to lie and be dishonest.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012): I am trying to work out what it is exactly that you to make "work". It's not clear what he wants, as when you asked him he fobbed you off by telling you he is attacted to you. That's not really an answer. OK clearly he wants sex, but was he clear about whether this is a fling, whether he is looking for a long term mistress or whether he sees you two being a long term item and he is thinking of leaving his wife and family? And more importantly, what do *you* want out of all of this? And whatever that is, is it worth the very real risks (which have been pointed out already by other agony aunts)? You can't seriously be asking people how to keep whatever this is a secret. If you decide to go ahead and get even more involved than you already are, that's something you and he will have to work out for yourself. I feel sorry for your situation. I think you're getting seriously out of your depth, but I am not telling you what to do except to give all of this some very serious thought.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 June 2012):
 Tisha is very wise.
Emotions you will need to deal with include:
Anger (that he ignored you yet again for his wife and kids)
Frustration (that he didn’t call when he said he would because he had to be with his wife and kids)
Jealousy (that he’s with his wife and kids)
Hurt (that he didn’t pick you over a school play or his wife’s office event)
Embarrassment (when folks find out you are sleeping with a married man you will be called a home wrecker by folks even if you are not the REASON his marriage ends, you will be considered the reason.)
Sadness (that he can’t call you nightly, that he can’t be with you nightly that he ignores you when it’s easy for him to ignore you because he has family things going on)
Disappointment (with him, with the situation and with yourself)
Loneliness (he will be with his family nights and weekends most of the time)
Insecurity (that you will always be second best and not good enough and probably end up alone)
Uncertainty (as to what your future holds as the “little bit on the side” that a sleezy married man manipulates into giving him sexual favors)
The feelings of being used (nuff said on this one, you are being used dear… no matter what this man says to you, you ARE not worth it to him to end his marriage. I know… I ENDED a marriage for my “little bit on the side”… broke up a family, destroyed my life as I knew it… but mine was not a secret affair and my husband at the time was happy to leave…. The issue is that his wife will not know about you, she won’t be happy to leave and if there are small kids it’s worse)
Learning the ability to lie, to him, to yourself, to his wife, to your parents and siblings, friends, school mates and co-workers (can you lie? I can’t. I never have lied or cheated and I don’t because I know that I could not cope with those horrible feelings)
You will go to events ALONE. You will concoct stories and folks who KNOW you will KNOW you are lying… can you pull that off?
So let’s say you have this affair… in the back seat of a car… I hope you don’t lose your virginity to this man… I think you are younger than 18 right? So you have sex in the back of his car… you get pregnant… then what? You want to keep the baby… he says NO.. then what? Sue him for child support? Bring the whole thing out in the open? Deal with the wife, the siblings… etc…. Sure mature responsible adults do not get pregnant when they don’t want to… but accidents happen. And planning to have an affair with a married man is not a mature adult thing to be doing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012): Aaahhhh Tisha, excellent answer: however the OP being the naive person she is , may not comprehend your well thought out answer.
OP, the folly of youngins! Seems like you got everything down to a T.
I thought freebees in cars were outdated and only prostitutes get out and about in the cars these days. Foolish me, huh!!!
As someone said, OP you have the wrong website. Its not Cheaters or Adultery condoned or Homewreckers Alert.
If you really want cheating advice why dont you ask this guys wife?
So young but brain left at work.
LoveGirl
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 June 2012):
 To help this work, you will need to learn how to lie convincingly, keep a straight face and hide your feelings. You will need to learn to ignore it when people in the office whisper and giggle while they are clearly discussing you and your married man. You should keep your resume polished and ready for the next job because often, in these types of situations, it is the younger, inexperienced person who winds up looking for work. The older, experienced worker is the one who will be kept around.
You will need to learn how to handle learning that you are not the first young thing he has done this with. In fact, there may be one or two or even more of his previous conquests still around, if they haven't left, and they will look at you knowingly. Maybe your radar hasn't developed well enough yet, but they are there, they are there.
You will need to tell your morals and your logical brain to go take a hike. You will need to learn to live with the dissonance of doing something you know is wrong. You will need to become comfortable with uncertainty, and feeling guilty all the time.
You will need to learn to deal with being alone on holidays and weekends. You will need to learn how to let him go the instant his wife contacts him or his kid is sick with the flu. You will get used to being kept hidden and you won't be able to enjoy a proper date, go out to the movies or dinner or hold hands in public.
You will need to learn how to deal with it when he has to cancel at the last minute. You will come to really know the meaning of 'disappointment.'
You will find most of your friends and your family won't approve and won't want to hear about how wonderful he is or how great the sex is. You will have to keep all the fun and joy you would ordinarily want to share with other people to yourself.
You may not be able to help your feelings, but you can certainly handle your actions. The fact you are putting this much effort into figuring out how to do it tells me that you can't tell anyone you know about it, so you have to turn to an anonymous forum in order to 'share' your excitement. It's really kind of sad. I feel sorry for you, actually.
Be well.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (5 June 2012):
 I don't think you can keep it a secret but that's not the point.
Think about this properly. You don't *have* to take things further with this guy. It's your choice, and you should make that choice based on thinking of all of the positive and negatives and see if they balance each other out.
Personally I'd be worried about STDs. I wouldn't put my mouth anywhere near the dick of an unfaithful married man - God knows where else it's been. Although that's only the tip of the iceberg regarding potential problems.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 June 2012):
 Seriously? Words fail...
Cerberus nails it.
Grow up and stop risking breaking up a family! Sure he will probably end up doing it with someone else, but you don't be that person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012): Okay I'm going to play devil's advocate here. The aunts here are destroying you and with good reason OP they've either made that mistake themselves, had another girl do this to them and we've all seen what happens to girls like you OP. Girls naive enough to give blow jobs after the first kiss, girls who get with coworkers and girls who get with married men. Any one of those things indicates bad things but you're all three combined.
OP we guys don't respect girls who act that way in any deep or meaningful way and your future relationships will be doomed because of it, no guy wants to marry a cheap, cheating blow job queen. As wrong as it may be you're lowering your value to us. You'll be that sad old woman you see in nightclubs who dresses like a teenager and wears. hilarious clown makeup.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (5 June 2012):
I second iAmHereToHelpYou's post. You're playing with fire here. Do you think you're special to him if the person he actually married gets puts aside like a piece of trash? It's only a matter of time before you lose your shine and his eyes wander to a new naive girl. Why do you even want to be with someone who holds such little regard for other people's feelings? Aren't you insulting yourself by going along with this?
"This is happening like it or not, so if you're going to try and dissuade me, please don't comment. I am looking for something that will help this work."
The reason people are trying to dissuade you is because there is no way this will work. You're naive if you think otherwise. You're being dense as a brick as well. That's never a good combination; basically synonymous to stupidity. Good luck with that. Don't come crying to us when titanic sinks.
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female
reader, Roxypuss +, writes (5 June 2012):
Wow, seriously judgemental here. I don't agree with what you're doing but I don't think one bad action makes a bad person so I'm not going to character assassinate you.
This is only going to work for you if you really are just looking for sex, now i don't know you but make sure you're not just telling yourself you're only looking for sex and then get attached later.
Sexually what do you feel that only this man can offer you? Do you KNOW that he's good in bed? Chances are if he's playing the field it's because he feels his wife doesn't desire him (not because she's undesirable), so he's likely to be rather sexually selfish with you, expecting you to be all about pleasing him now if you're like me and you dig being submissive great but it won't be a fantasy in this case more just laziness on his part. Make sure next hook up you're the one coming over the car at least, so the precedent of how much pleasure you expect is set. I wouldn't bother with all the moral baggage he comes with just for sex personally, once the fireworks calm down it'll get into ure head when you're trying to come etc. he seems like he's gonna get more from this situation than you, you could get hot desirable sex from someone else without the hassle.
I'm assuming he has something more you covet, money? Status? Life experience? Does he seem to be real intelligent? Do you feel he could be a mentor? I'm not by the way implying anything along the lines of 'daddy issues' etc. we all like someone to look up to, we're all shoved in a world with very little guidance but I doubt this man who can't manage his own life very well has much to teach you, he won't be going on a sexual adventure with you, trying out new positions new sex clubs I shouldn't think.
So my only advice here is make sure you're always getting something out of this because you're sacrificing your reputation possibly feeling a little morally unnerved and opening yourself up to vulnerability, Don't let the mistress arcetype take over your personally and self confidence it's an action that is possibly wrong but it doesn't make you that we've all had our naughty moments.
I won't advise you on how to keep it secret, when I was the other woman i came clean because it was taking everyones freedom involved. Mine because I had to accomodate it, and have all bullshit running through my head, his because he was allowing himself to trap himself in something safe instead of moving on and hers because she was in a falsehood of a relationship and could be out there with something better (turns out she was cheating too and ironically i was the only honest one out of the three of them).
Also remember to play safe, you don't know what his wife has, the other ladies could have, or he could have and since he's lying to his wife please don't assume he's honest about his STI status. Good luck and make sure you get out before the ship sinks.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 June 2012):
 I hear hoof beats...ah here she comes, that high-riding bitch called Karma!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012): You really think your worth more than his wife and kids to him? because angel from the sounds ofo it your being used, and in the worst kind of way! best of luck with this, i tru;y mean that, because this is not a matter of will it work out, its just a matter of how long!
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 June 2012):
 Whatevahhhhh.
You will receive no help here, because there is no advise that you want, nobody can tell you how to make something work that is doomed before it even starts.
So give him his blow jobs, stuff up your chances of being taken seriously at work, your feelings are not true emotions but simply rampaging hormones, without thought or concern for the consequences of you actions.
Just keep dropping your knickers where ever and when ever he expects it of you, eventually he will have had his fill, or his wife will start to get suspicious, or a new cheap tart might start working for him and it will be a case of out with the old and in with the new.
So ignore that little voice inside that cried "MORALS" come here and tell the volunteers you are not interested in their advice, go your merry way and when you get well and truly dumped on your little pattootie dont come crying to us!
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 June 2012):
 Your submittal makes it crystal clear that you KNOW how wrong it is, what you're doing.... Yet, you say you can't hold out, and will go on and do this, anyway....
Have you given any thought to what's "in this" for YOU?????(Clue: the answer is "nothing, but heartache...")
Good luck...
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 June 2012):
 So, your first conversation regarding his attraction to you ends up with you with your clothes half off giving him a blowjob?? Geeze...how romantic. NOT.
If your response to this is "This is going to happen like it or not", then by all means, get used cheap.
I agree with the others...you aren't in any sort of relationship. You are now his sex toy. He can't take you on public dates. He can't give you his heart. His words are worthless, and of course the obvious, he's devastating his family.
I don't know about you, but a 10-second orgasm which you haven't even had yet wouldn't make me even think of setting foot inside a cheap affair. You're going to get used for sex and then dropped once you even think about demanding more from him in terms of emotional intimacy or commitment.
Not only that, but he's going to suck up your youth, and once this ends, and it will, you'll be a hollow, used-up shell of the person you are, possibly wasting years you won't ever get back on a disgusting married man. But hey, you gave him a blowjob! Woohooo! That's worth destroying your life over.
No sympathy here from me. If you can't control yourself and discipline your mind or emotions, you're already railroaded for life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012):
You are nothing more than a human mattress to this married man. Do you think you are the first girl he has or will try this with?
It has nothing to do with attraction either. He just wants sex and knows he can get it from you.
If you truly valued yourself, your body and had an ounce of self esteem, you would walk away now and save his poor wife and children the destruction you are helping to create.
If his marriage does fail, allow it to fail by itself. Do not contribute to it.
You wont like it when you are married and have children and some younger, arrogant girl comes along and makes a play for your husband.
YOU WILL GET HURT. The sad part is we all know you wont listen to anyone on this sites advice.
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female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (5 June 2012):
I'm not going to get into the moral issues raised by others on here ...
But I do think you should look at it and get disgusted by his behavior towards you. He kissed you and you gave him a blow job?? It's already one sided. Do you want to be used by a guy who is clearly older and taking advantage of someone he knows he can use and throw away?
He will never respect you as a person. Aren't you worth more? Don't you deserve to be the number one woman in a single man's life - not some easy fling giving out free blow jobs in a car? Love yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012): Your morals? No offence, but you obviously don't have any.
"This is happening like it or not".
Wow.
You're extremely selfish and have zero class or morals and i doubt many people here are going to help you with your little plan.
Karma will bite you on the backside eventually. When you fall in love with him and he drops you you'll get a taste of your own medicine.
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male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (5 June 2012):
 I don't think anyone here will help you in your cause.
Basically, you are asking people to assist you with having a fling with a married man. To help both of you get away with it, and keep it quiet from his wife and family.
Two things:- Firstly, if he is the type of guy who thinks he can get away with it, sooner or later when he gets bored, YOU will become the other woman. You know he just wants to nail you a few times, and then brag about it, right? If you're happy with that, I am wondering what kind of girl you are. Blow job already? Hmmmm.
Secondly, imagine that in 15 years time, some pretty young thing is on a website looking for help in having an affair with YOUR husband. Would you want anyone to help HER?
"It will escalate to sex, I have no doubt". "Just for reference, he kissed me first". "This is happening, like it or not".
Get on with it then. If you believe you are mature enough to handle sex and an affair with a married man, why ask anyone for help? Or did you come here just to gloat? Look at me, I have got a married man, I am more attractive and more desirable than his wife!
Big whoop.
I am hugely disappointed with your general attitude, but like most people here, we have seen it all before, and can predict the sad results.
Good luck with your endeavour.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2012): Nope sorry OP. This is the wrong website for that. We won't help you to hurt others and break up families.
Why would we try dissuade you? That would be helpful and you've done nothing to deserve that. You reap what you sow.
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female
reader, shellycg +, writes (5 June 2012):
 Hi
Please dont be fooled by his advances he is in it for one thing and think about if you had a husband and how would you feel if he did this with someone else behind your back - the whole thing is bad news - you be the one to say no to his advances ... very rarely do men leave their wives and kids... Think about what you want.... and im sure its not a casual fling in acar for an hour or so x
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female
reader, missmatador +, writes (5 June 2012):
 Dear Anon,Firstly, I don't support your actions as I am sure no other woman would. However I do understand that sometimes we are forced to act upon our instincts even if just to satisfy the weakest of our needs.Secondly, it sounds that you are trying to justify a guilt that needn't be there in the first place. It is up to you if you wish to be involved in the breakdown of a marriage and a family. Though you won't be the cause, you will certainly be a key part in this mans need to break away from a situation that he no longer wishes to be a part of. Once you come to terms with that then it is all about organising your clandestine affairs around his partner and his family. Understand that you come second until he no longer cares about being caught. His children are above you, his marriage is above you AND any other affairs he chooses to have are equal to yours. You also need to come to terms with the fact that you are in no way exclusive to him and that if it was not you, then it would be any other woman available to him. The important thing to remember about an affair is that you understand that it is just that. An Affair. Any man having an affair is simply looking for a way out. He wants to get caught so he can escape. If you don't, then wait until he is single. Regards,Miss Matador xxx
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 June 2012):
 Uhm. So basically you are asking our help to backstab and hurt some poor woman that has never done anything to you.
I don't know if you'll get any help over here. And tbh, I hope you won't.
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female
reader, Nephertite  +, writes (5 June 2012):
 Hello. It seems like you really want it. But it also seems like you aren’t sure as well. Are you willing to get hurt? Because you will be likely to get hurt. It seems exciting and absolutely stomach-flipping fun now. But, that’s because it’s the beginning and at the beginning it’s always exciting.If you decide that you still want to go through with this, even though you know it’s wrong, then be prepared for the insecurities that will be sure to follow with ANY affair. As for how to keep it a secret.. when you have made up your mind to do something like this, then lying and sneaking will come naturally…but the fact you wrote this question could possibly mean you are having doubts? If you are, then don’t go forth unless you ABSOLUTELY want it ..because it’s wrong and unless you are sure your conscience won’t prick… don’t do it.. it’s mind over matter and sexier men are out there. :) Good luck
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