A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm currently in a serious relationship with a girl I love. The only problem is that I cant get over her sexual past (which really isnt that bad) She's 21 and has been with 6 guys, all of them short flings that lasted a couple weeks. (the tot. amount of times she had sex was 19) The kicker is that three of them are with guys I know. I feel bad dwelling on this, and very hypocrytical, especially when I have been w/27 girls. But I also want someone elses input because I feel like this is the only problem in our relationship. How can I get over this???? Please help...
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2008): Well, I have some differing thoughts on this predicament of yours. I had the same problem years ago with my girlfriend and now my wife and it came up again a few months ago. My situation was different, as she had many more partners than me and had a number of one night stands. However, the feelings can be the same.
First, I think that the advice by the anon female (third post from bottom) is excellent. You need to talk to your gf about your feelings. If you don’t insult her and she cares for you then she should be willing to talk about your feelings. You also need to understand why you are bothered by her 6 partners when you have had so many more. It’s not like you have a need to catch up to her or anything like that. You need to talk and understand why both of you did the things that you did. The fact that she has had 6 partners just means that she can be more sure that you are better than she is likely to find. My wife had 10 partners and she told me very early on that none cared for her as much as I did and that she considered me more caring, respectful and considerate than the others. That does a lot to help a guy get over these feelings. Talk to her about this without being judgmental as much as possible.
Tisha-1 made a very good point: “please remember that she's been honest with you, which counts for a lot!” That is very important and you should be very grateful for that. The fact that she has been honest is very important and should give you confidence that you can trust her. Trust is even more important than her number of partners, at least it would be to me.
Someone said that 100 percent of women will lie about their sexual past. I completely disagree. I think that the majority of women will either tell the truth as best as they can remember or will just refuse to talk about it. From my experience and reading what many women have said about this subject on women’s forums, a fairly small minority lie if they say anything.
Many people say to either forget about it and accept it or get out of the relationship. Well, I consider that a very unrealistic black or white approach. It’s easy to say something as simple as just forget about it. I could use that same lame line on every woman who is bothered by their bf watching porn or cheating. Easy to say, but it is of little help. There is middle ground and middle ground is almost always better than the simplified black or white approach. If the 2 of you can talk about this then it will make you feel better about it. You will probably never totally accept it if you have a problem now, but you can learn to live with it and she can learn to accept that you are somewhat uncomfortable with it if you don’t insult her and try to make her feel cheap. I made my girlfriend feel cheap many years ago when she told me about her past and it made it impossible for us to discuss it intelligently. I didn’t mean to, but that’s what happened. However, I kept quiet about it until we could both comfortably talk about it. That worked for us. By the way, I see people just assuming that you asked her about her past and that you deserve it. I guess I didn’t have my between-the-lines magnifying glass out, because I didn’t see where you said that you asked her about it. I didn’t ask my girlfriend. She wanted to tell me, not to brag, but to let me know before the relationship got any more serious, as she was looking at me as a long term partner, which we have been for nearly 29 years.
You are right, it is hypocritical of you to think about it this way, but that is the way you feel and you cannot just turn it off. If you want to keep her, then you will have to learn to suffer with your thoughts and she will have to learn to accept that you are having trouble accepting her past. It does not necessarily have to ruin the relationship. My wife and I have had very few difficult times because of this because I have to learned to just feel some hurt without bothering her at times and she has been willing to talk to me when I need a boost. We have had a very happy relationship as gf and bf and husband and wife without neither one of us being completely satisfied. However, that is what marriage is all about – compromising and talking about your feelings and being as happy as possible with any situation without total agreement, whether it be sexual pasts, religious beliefs, moral beliefs or whatever else.
Again, talk about it and see if both of you can feel reasonably happy with your respective thoughts on the subject. By the way, does she know about your past partners and what does she think of that? If she doesn’t know, then I think that she should know to be fair and to intelligently discuss it. The anon female also said, “Good luck, and don't let the little things get in the way of how you feel about her!” Try to take this to heart. You won’t forget your feelings, but you can learn to comfortably live with them. My wife and are both happy that we didn’t allow my feelings to cause us to break up. We both believe that the small amount of hurt that both of us have endured occasionally has been worth a terrific marriage. Not perfect, but none are perfect, unless one has blinders on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): Change the following comment from
"you don'ts seem to respect what she brings to the tanle"
to
"you don't seem to respect what she brings to the table"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): How can you state you 'love'her? Loving someone else is moving into a future with them, it's being mutually caring and giving to that person. It's not all about one's own feelings of entitlement You almost sound like you want to 'own' her, like she is spoiled goods,. Yikes! Those dysfunctional feelings has have no place in a healthy relationship. SO if you can't let this go, dear...you may has well send her packin'. Let her go find someone who doesn't care what her past was like. And there are many secure, understanding guys out there, that would accomodate her, in their life.
Because what will happen, is you are at great risk for damaging this relationship anyways. Just knowing she had sex with 6 guys is already eroding your soul. and causing you to doubt her. What happens when this relationship gets to the settled and complacent phase...when the real work and efforts of loving her and keeping this relationship fresh and loving, comes into play. Or when you both have an arguement. Plainly you don'ts seem to respect what she brings to the tanle so it probable, you could eventually use her sexual past as a bludgeon to hurt her. This will just cause new injuries to the this relationship, to use as ammunition for future fights. Indulging in recriminations about the sexual past, couples do find themselves in a never-ending loop of bad behavior and recriminations. An ego and tainted attitude such as this, will cause this relatioship to self-destruct. Either you grow up, get over it or you drop her and go find yourself, the perfect woman, that you can 'own'. That may be difficult...because that woman does not exist.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): I don't understand why you see this as a problem with the relationship. The problem is all yours. Get over it. She's with you now, and I'm sure she feels a bit funny about the 27 girls you've been with and whether she's going to bump into any of them when you're out and about. I learned that it's best not to ask, and although I am still curious about my boyfriend's past, I really don't want to know because I know it will make me jealous. This is ridiculous because he's with me and he wants only me, but jealousy is a weird thing. Having said that, you need to stop thinking that this is a problem with her and/or the relationship. It's all in your head. If you carry on like this, you will probably lose her.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (1 March 2008):
 Try to walk away from her and see if you can do that.
If you can , then find another virgin girl.
If you cannot , then tell your brain to shuddup.
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A
male
reader, davie  +, writes (1 March 2008):
In future don't ask your partner about their sexual past as it's in the past and what you don't know won't bother you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 March 2008):
 Whoops! Pushed the wrong button.
I was fiddling around trying to come up with equation that would make sense in which you both wind up with a balanced sheet, but you know, it's just so much wasted time.
If you are having such a problem with it, maybe you should just let this girl that you love go. I'm surprised she's happy to be with you since you've had way way more partners than she has...
(If I figure the equation out, I'll try to post it.)
Good luck, hon, and please remember that she's been honest with you, which counts for a lot!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 March 2008):
You sound a bit like an accountant...
"I've been with 27 girls on average of 2.47 times each, which adds up to
She's been with 6 guys with an average of 3.17 encounters per guy, which adds up to 19. However, the
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): I honestly hope that you can get over it. I don't know how, as I was in the other end of the relationship. Sadly, I just posted a topic because for this same reason I had to break up with my BF.
He thinks I'm a whore. Granted, my past didn't involve intercourse, just oral sex with a guy we both knew, but that happened even before metting my now ex. My ex wasn't a virgin, and I was but that wasn't the point: the thing was that he thought you should only be physical with people who you had an official relationship with (he lost his virginity to his first GF).
Please, if you truly want to work on this, go to therapy, if you start feeling that you can't handle it yourself. Really, that was the only problem in my relationship too, but my BF got so upset by it that I had to break up with him (because he insulted me). If you truly love her and want to fight for your relationship then go for it and do everything that you can to overcome this. I wish my ex had done it.
Really, it's not an issue worth losing a relationship over. I tell you because I know... I had to leave against my will because my BF couldn't take it and now I'm here suffering because I lost my everything...
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (1 March 2008):
 I suggest you watch the movie "Chasing Amy." It has some terrific and funny insight on the subject of a girl’s past getting in the way a good relationship with her boyfriend. What's funny about the movie is that she happens to be a lesbian, and slept with dozens of women, but the one thing that gets to her boyfriend that messes with his brain is when he learns about a one-time threesome she had with two guys. I'm not giving it all away, but see this movie and you might get a better grasp of the fact that a woman's past is just something you have to live with...if you love her you have to look past it. Its part of growing up, and as you get older and you go out with older women, you'll get to where you just don't want to know about their past...and honestly its their business anyway, their history.
When you tell your girlfriend how many women you've been with how do you think she should react? If she is mature she will accept it, just as you should likewise do about her past. The jealous uneasy feeling you have is perfectly normal, every guy and girl faces this with every relationship. Just stuff those feeling inside, and don't let it get in the way of a good relationship. In time it won't matter much at all.
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A
male
reader, Jugurtha +, writes (1 March 2008):
Although you may feel upset about her sexual history, in my opinion you don't really have any right to.
Her sexual history is just that - 'hers' and 'history.' It doesn't belong to you, and unless there are sexually transmitted diseases involved, has nothing to do with you either.
Look, I went through these issues myself when I was younger- but came a day when I realised the above points. Focus on the here and now and the good times that you share together, because the past cannot be changed, so it is pointless getting yourself in a dither over it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): Well dear, I think the best thing to do is follow your heart. If your really love her, why don't you sit down and talk to her face-to-face and be like '' Hun, There's something I really need to share with you...'' and go from there. Or maybe you should break up with her because if it's making you sad hun then you shouldent let that break your heart. good luck, xoxxoxxoxoxo.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): Surprisingly, this is a very common thing, and goes both ways - girls can feel that way about a guy's past, too. You have to keep in mind that the past is not going to change, only you can change how you feel about it. Having a long talk with either her or someone close about how it makes you feel, no matter how silly, will allow you to get it out, and you should be able to let go this hang up. It might take a few talks, but ultimately you should stop yourself from thinking about it. I think that's key- don't think about it!
As for her being with 3 of your friends - that makes it tough to not think about! I don't know how close you are with these guy friends, but what I would do is tell them you don't want to hear about it, ever, and if they're good friends, and you say it to them like you mean it, they should respect that and never bring it up. Hope this helps! Good luck, and don't let the little things get in the way of how you feel about her!
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (29 February 2008):
 "What is good for the goose is good for the gander."
It simply means, in this case, that you have to accept and move past whatever occurred before (you had no control over it), so just move on or lose. Sometimes you will likely end up losing until you finally learn the lesson.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): Hmmmmm....I don't think the problem is as much the amount of guys as it is that three of them are guys that you know. Look over her faults is she is willing to look over yours. Maybe it will just take time. I'm surprised she's counted the amount of times she's had sex.
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