A
male
age
51-59,
*matthews
writes:i met my girlfriend in may 2002 and we fell in love but since then we have had a very rocky ride...it started off very well and we had a healthy attraction coupled along with effective communication..her daughter who was 8 at the time hardly ever spoke to me..in feb 2003 she left her house and rented it out and decided to move in with me..things were okay for a while but i soon realised that she became very needy and complained all of time that i was in my studio (i have a music studio at the back of the garden)...in hindsight i must admit that i maybe spent too much time in there which could have led to neglect..our problems really began in july 2004...she went out with some of her girlfriends for a birthday drink..she called me when she was on her way home (10 mins away)...however she came back an hour later drunk as hell...it became apparent that her girlfriends went their separate ways and she got a lift back from another man...she was so drunk i had to put her to bed and that's when i noticed that her panties were pushed to one side...she had had penatrative sex which she said she knew nothing about...we reported it to the police but the case was later dropped due to lack of evidence.....this was very hard for me deal with and still hurts to this day...in august 2005 she said she wanted to move back to her council property as she had been renting it...we had discussed marriage in the months leading up to this and i had remortgaged therefore having a larger mortgage payment we were sharing..i asked her on several occassions to stay as we had talked about and planned for the future...she declined and we had many arguments...in one of the arguments she got real nasty with her verbals and i got angry....i marched her down the stairs (she constantly says "dragged" when referring to this) just to scare her as if I was going to kick her out of the house...when i got to the front door i thought better of it and let her back in the house....for this reason she decided to go to the travel agents and cancel me off a £2500 holiday to Barbados of which i paid £1600....we were due to go a week after our argument and through several days of me begging her not to cancel me off the holiday she still declined....she actually finished with me before she went on holiday...in Dec 2005 i regret to say that i did a sneaky manouvre...she had forgotten that she had given me her password to get into her email account...i looked in her email and saw she had been dating another man since September 2005...a month after we had splitin Dec 2005 i confronted her about this and we started talking about getting back together as she thought she had made a mistake going out with someone else...by the end of December 2005 she dropped me again and went back out with this other manin Feb 2006...we began talking again we got back together...by the end of Feb she dropped me again...we got back together in March 2006...by the end of March 2006 she dropped me again and went back to the other guy...we started speaking again in June 2006....by the end of June 2006 she dropped me again..this time she said she was finishing with me because when her car broke down i didn't offer to come to her house and offer a solution for paying for the repairs...(my argument was that she had not offered a penny back for the holiday she cancelled me off)in July 2006 my father died...i was deeply hurt by this and i told her as she knew my father quite well...she began to show interest again and began to tell me that she loved me...she didn't know what to do though as she didn't want to upset me again....drastic action was need and as i was trying to get over my fathers death....i gave her a deadline...i told her that by a certain date in late September i would not be taking her seriously anymore....in late September 2006 she got down on one knee and asked me to marry her....i accepted...on Oct 14th she called me to her house and ended the relationship and said she does not want to have children with me and does not see a future....Regrettably i hit her....my excuse even though there isn't one is that I was still getting over my fathers death and she is still giving me stress about not know what she wants....her daughter ran down the stairs and saw the tail end of me cursing and slapping her that day and i deeply regret that.....she called the police the next dayon Nov 1st 2006 i was arrested for common assualton Feb 27th 2007 i was sentenced to 160hours community service on September 22nd 2007 i decided to apologise to her for my actions the year before....my community service had ended and i did not want to feel bitter...on Septmeber 23rd 2007 she came to my house stating that she had made a mistake and if she could rewind back time she would have never of left my house in the first place...she stated she wants to try again.....for three weeks it was fine but last week i started to see the signs of oooohhh "i am so stressed" and "i am busy" when she calls me and i am fearing the worst...i love her but i fear i do not like herwhat do you think i should do ?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007): Totally unhealthy relationship you are in dear. She is very unstable. You both abuse each other due to your emotional problems. This won't change. The only possibility I see is couple's therapy, but I'm afraid she won't stick to it because firstly she needs to address more personal situations she is been having.
You are in an abusive relationship and you are an abuser. But I have to congratulate you in your sincerity and in your efforts to make this relationship work.
You must deal with your problems on therapy also or you'll end up finding another previously abused woman to abuse and the cycle will repeat itself again and again. It's us abused people who have like a radar to attract other abused people to our lives and build a little hell of our own. It has to do with the way we were brought up and what we saw in our parents. It makes us think the abusive pattern is normal and it makes us feel "comfortable' because that's the environment in wich we grew up in.
Abusive relationships are supposed to teach us a lesson in what to avoid on future relationships, so you clearly need to learn what to look for and what to avoid in your next relationship so this never happens again.
I say forget about the lady. Don't believe in her anymore and move on. As to her daughter you'd help her a lot if you'd apologize to her. Sadly she too is headed to look for abusive partners as soon as she starts dating.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (23 October 2007):
 That's a common feeling when someone is like a yoyo, just in and out, no wonder where the phrase "getting f**ked" comes from. It sounds as if she is extremely dependent. She has to have someone there, all though she does, she gets board easily, then moves off to something else. The problem is, you keep taking her back. You're actually teaching her it's OK to treat you this way because she can do it over and over again and each time you've taken her back.
I'd tell her, "this is it, last time, leave again don't even think for a second I will be taking you back because it's not going to happen." She needs to understand this is really crappy behavior. She also needs to understand she is really disrespecting and using you by repeating this behavior.
I know it's hard sometimes to say that's enough. It was very hard for me to tell my ex "I love you, but I can't be with you." I had to make that decision because I deserve to live peacefully, and be happy weather with or without her, and she was proving I'd be happier without. She cried, it's been 5 years since I said that, she's gotten counseling, began going to church again and has made a complete turn around. Now she understands why I made that decision, and says if she was in my position at the time she would have said the same thing.
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A
female
reader, Yogichickk +, writes (23 October 2007):
 Do you like yourself for the way you treat her?
If the answer is "NO", correct your behavior and maybe she will stop acting "strange". When she stops acting like that maybe you won't have a reason to not like her and will continue to love her.
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